Help!- kicking out a groomsman

cczech21

Hey everyone! My name is Courtney and I am getting married in August 2014 to my wonderful, amazing fiance Alex. When we first choose our wedding party, we decided that 4 people on each side was a good size. Not too big, not too small. At the time, my fiance really didn't have many guy friends, so we chose one of my guy friends to be part of the wedding party. He is/was a great friend that has done so much for us, including bringing us back to the church where God has really done some amazing things in our life together. Since then, he hasn't been the best of friends, and I actually caught him talking badly about me to another friend of ours. My fiance was so angry when I told him about it. It made me question our friendship, so needless to say we have slightly grown apart in the past few months. My fiance has also become really close to a friend at work that he would prefer to have in the wedding party, as would I. So I am very conflicted on what to do. To make matters worse, this 'friend' of mine is not only my small group leader at church, he is also my supervisor at work. I want to believe that we can keep our friendship seperate from work, but I fear by kicking him out of the wedding party that it will have a negative effect for me at work. HELP!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

Jen4948

Your FI can add the work friend, but if he kicks your guy friend out, it will be a friendship-ending move, and as you pointed out, could cause problems with you at work.

If I were your FI, I'd just add the work friend and let the other guy know that trash-talking you is not okay.   (Don't get involved yourself.)  If this causes problems for you at work, file a complaint with HR.

Fran1985

1) It seems like you were overly concerned with even sides. You can both have different size wedding parties. 2) Kicking someone out is a friendship ending move. So - be prepared. I think its possible it will have an impact on you at work. I think your best bet is what jen suggested- add one more but don't tell your boss that he is out.

HisGirlFriday13

cczech21 said:

Hey everyone! My name is Courtney and I am getting married in August 2014 to my wonderful, amazing fiance Alex. When we first choose our wedding party, we decided that 4 people on each side was a good size. Not too big, not too small. At the time, my fiance really didn't have many guy friends, so we chose one of my guy friends to be part of the wedding party. He is/was a great friend that has done so much for us, including bringing us back to the church where God has really done some amazing things in our life together. Since then, he hasn't been the best of friends, and I actually caught him talking badly about me to another friend of ours. My fiance was so angry when I told him about it. It made me question our friendship, so needless to say we have slightly grown apart in the past few months. My fiance has also become really close to a friend at work that he would prefer to have in the wedding party, as would I. So I am very conflicted on what to do. To make matters worse, this 'friend' of mine is not only my small group leader at church, he is also my supervisor at work. I want to believe that we can keep our friendship seperate from work, but I fear by kicking him out of the wedding party that it will have a negative effect for me at work. HELP!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

You don't do anything. You asked him. You can't un-ask him. You don't need even sides.

If he's your small group leader at church, and you found him talking trash (i.e., gossiping) about you, then that's a wholly separate issue, and you should talk to your pastor about that separate of your wedding.

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

So ignore the wedding completely for now. As a friend you should sit down and talk to him (not text or email or phone) about what you heard and hash that out. That is the adult thing to do - see if you can work through the problem instead of just taking the easy way out and ending the friendship.

Kind of hard to "hash that out" when the guy is her boss and can get her written up or fired.

I'd let her FI do the "hashing it out."

Lauderdale Pink

Personally, I'd leave it alone.  If your FI wants to ask another man, that's great.  Bridal parties are not butterflies, meaning they do not have to be symmetrical.  If this man is doing trash talking, he may self-cut.  If not, he may want to mend fences.  Over a lifetime, friendships come and go.  Your bridal party is representative of the people who stood by you at that time of your life. This man is part of the reason you are back in church, so did play an integral part in your relationship.  Keep the good memories.

MairePoppy

scribe95 said:

So ignore the wedding completely for now. As a friend you should sit down and talk to him (not text or email or phone) about what you heard and hash that out. That is the adult thing to do - see if you can work through the problem instead of just taking the easy way out and ending the friendship.

I agree with this. If you're considering kicking the man out of your wedding party, which would most likely cause problems at work, then you should try having a  conversation with him about what you heard. This could be a misunderstanding. 

Your fi can still ask his new friend to be a gm. Sides don't have to be even. You can have them walk single file or one lucky bm can be escorted by two gm.

climbingsingle

You can't kick him out. I agree about having a conversation with him about it. Maybe it was misconstrued? Maybe it's not true? If your FI is really close with this guy from work, he can ask him too. Sides don't need to be even. 

Alexandrathgr8

HisGirlFriday13 said:

cczech21 said:

Hey everyone! My name is Courtney and I am getting married in August 2014 to my wonderful, amazing fiance Alex. When we first choose our wedding party, we decided that 4 people on each side was a good size. Not too big, not too small. At the time, my fiance really didn't have many guy friends, so we chose one of my guy friends to be part of the wedding party. He is/was a great friend that has done so much for us, including bringing us back to the church where God has really done some amazing things in our life together. Since then, he hasn't been the best of friends, and I actually caught him talking badly about me to another friend of ours. My fiance was so angry when I told him about it. It made me question our friendship, so needless to say we have slightly grown apart in the past few months. My fiance has also become really close to a friend at work that he would prefer to have in the wedding party, as would I. So I am very conflicted on what to do. To make matters worse, this 'friend' of mine is not only my small group leader at church, he is also my supervisor at work. I want to believe that we can keep our friendship seperate from work, but I fear by kicking him out of the wedding party that it will have a negative effect for me at work. HELP!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

You don't do anything. You asked him. You can't un-ask him. You don't need even sides.

If he's your small group leader at church, and you found him talking trash (i.e., gossiping) about you, then that's a wholly separate issue, and you should talk to your pastor about that separate of your wedding.

I disagree- if he has disrespected you and your FI feels it is an issue.. then get rid of him- just because you asked him doesn't mean you need to keep him if he has proven himself to be not who you all thought he was.

Viczaesar

Alexandrathgr8 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

cczech21 said:

Hey everyone! My name is Courtney and I am getting married in August 2014 to my wonderful, amazing fiance Alex. When we first choose our wedding party, we decided that 4 people on each side was a good size. Not too big, not too small. At the time, my fiance really didn't have many guy friends, so we chose one of my guy friends to be part of the wedding party. He is/was a great friend that has done so much for us, including bringing us back to the church where God has really done some amazing things in our life together. Since then, he hasn't been the best of friends, and I actually caught him talking badly about me to another friend of ours. My fiance was so angry when I told him about it. It made me question our friendship, so needless to say we have slightly grown apart in the past few months. My fiance has also become really close to a friend at work that he would prefer to have in the wedding party, as would I. So I am very conflicted on what to do. To make matters worse, this 'friend' of mine is not only my small group leader at church, he is also my supervisor at work. I want to believe that we can keep our friendship seperate from work, but I fear by kicking him out of the wedding party that it will have a negative effect for me at work. HELP!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!

You don't do anything. You asked him. You can't un-ask him. You don't need even sides.

If he's your small group leader at church, and you found him talking trash (i.e., gossiping) about you, then that's a wholly separate issue, and you should talk to your pastor about that separate of your wedding.

I disagree- if he has disrespected you and your FI feels it is an issue.. then get rid of him- just because you asked him doesn't mean you need to keep him if he has proven himself to be not who you all thought he was.

Then you bite the bullet and end the friendship directly, and his involvement in the wedding will end as a result.  Kicking someone out of the wedding by itself is never the answer.