Not Engaged Yet

I Used to Dream About My Wedding, But Now I'm Planning My Funeral?

Over the last year I have lost three people who were my age (I'm young, 21). One was my cousin, who died of the same immune disorder I have, one of my friends was murdered, and my best friend, the one who I once considered my future maid of honor, committed suicide. I have lost many many people in my life and have been to 7-10 funerals in the past 6 years (most of them young, like me). I have only been to one wedding in my lifetime. 

 I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy who I love very much. I don't mind waiting decades if it means I can marry him. I used to dream about our wedding and all the details it would contain (Pinterest, Say Yes To The Dress, etc.), but lately I can't think about that at all. All I can think of is that I should start making plans for my own Celebration of Life. I've been researching home services, how embalming works, different methods of burial, etc., and looking at all the different things that you can contain in a memorial service. I've been thinking of writing a will to leave behind for my family, so they know exactly what to do if something happens. 

I am very spiritual and am not afraid of death, only that I will leave behind the ones I love most before it's my time. I loved looking at wedding pictures before but now when I look at them I want to cry because I feel like that dream will never come true for me. A wedding and marriage seems so far away, a fantasy even, while death appears to be luring on my doorstep. I just wish I could go back to being hopeful and begin daydreaming again, instead of feeling like I should be making plans for my own demise.

Re: I Used to Dream About My Wedding, But Now I'm Planning My Funeral?

  • It's clear that you've been through a lot. I'm so sorry for that. I do hope that you have reached out for support from your SO and family. I truly understand why you are grieving.

    Why are you so pressed to research your own services? Have you received news that urged you to look? 


  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I am so sorry to hear about your cousin and your friends. I don't think it's unusual that you're considering these issues. It definitely crossed my mind when my mom passed away. We were thankful that she had given instructions, and if I passed away, I would want my family to have my wishes laid out and have to make as few decisions as possible.

    As for writing a Will, I think it's a good idea for any young adult. I made one through Legal Zoom and the process is fairly simple. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking some time to document what you'd like for your service - any specific readings, music, burial instructions, etc. Maybe completing a Will would help you feel that you've done what you need to do and can focus on life again.
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  • I have an immune disorder, and it has killed several members of my family, which worries me. 
  • lala, thank you…maybe this is what I need to do in order to focus on living again. 
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm so sorry you've lost so many that were close to you. The death of a loved one is always so painful and we all deal with it in our own way. I do hope you have or will reach out to someone close to you who you feel comfortable telling all this - maybe your spiritual leader if you have one or someone else who shares the same spiritual views?

    I agree with @lalalaurita that perhaps making a will, having an actual plan others can follow if you were to pass, would give you some peace of mind.

    But the reality is we could all drop dead tomorrow but we can't live in fear of that we should still find joy in looking toward the future in making plans. Maybe our plans won't happen but that's no reason not to make them and look forward to them!


    CLoGreenEyesCrazyCatLady3
  • You're right. I want to be married more than anything, and I can't stop that dream now
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm going to second the will thought.  My health insurance plan actually covered meeting with an attorney to have a will wrote up.  It was a simple process and included a bunch of other things that I never thought of - living will, power of attorney, there was also a few things that would give a named person access to my accounts if for example I was in an accident and would be in a coma for 2 weeks but I was going to come out fine - my family could have access to my bank accounts to make my car payment and house payment and stuff. Totally recommend everybody do this, because you never know!

    Don't be afraid to dream, sometimes life's goals and our dreams help us stay on the right path for us.


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  • -hugs- I agree with the PPs. I went through something similar a few years ago when I lost four loved ones within two years. I sat down and wrote out an unofficial will. What I want done with my belongings, where I want my ashes to be scattered, etc. Both my parents and H know where it is. It brought me a lot of peace of mind and I was able to get back to my usual self.

    Though now that H and I are married, we probably will make an official will.

    Just know that it does get better and stay focused on the good things.
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  • I'm so sorry for everything you're going through! 

    You can't give up on your dreams, especially if you're in a relationship with someone you love. If you can talk to him about how you've been feeling, you should. It's probably very difficult for him to see you struggling as well. 

    As to the will- all I will say is be sure to have it done by a legal professional. I am currently in law school and know first hand that wills are overturned by courts all the time. If there is anything you feel very strong about (leaving someone something, or putting your resources towards something) PLEASE have it done by a professional. It's worth paying a lawyer to know it's done right and your loved ones and your wishes are protected. 
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