Can I just complain..?

Angeles61

Bridesmaid who I posted about recently - (Not really responsive to keeping in touch with me, I tried often to talk about non-wedding related topics.) Long story short, she had a baby and we live far apart now. We've grown apart.

I finally was able to talk to her last night a little bit. She brought up the wedding and said "My husband might not be able to come but (my kid) and I will for sure be there."

Why? Why.. when I address the STDate to you and your husband do you assume your kid is invited? So awkward.

I texted her back and explained we weren't able to invite children to the wedding. I hope you are still able to make it but I understand if that makes it difficult."

Her response.. "Oh wow. Yeah I won't be able to come."

…… Ugh

bethsmiles

How did you respond? That really sucks that she isn't even going to try to make it.

emilie250

Wow. That's terrible. I'm sorry that you've grown apart from someone you used to be close to...

Viczaesar

That's a bummer, but it's the risk you took when you chose not to invite her child.

Angeles61

To be honest, I was more put off by her response and the fact that she assumed he was invited. We chose not to invite kids for a handful of reasons which I didn't feel the need to explain to her.

I just told her I'm sorry she won't be there but I understand that it's difficult for her. I sort of saw it coming, I just thought she'd try to be less snippy about it.

Rebl90

That stinks, I'm sorry.  She probably assumed that as a BM that there was no question about bringing her child, but I don't think her response was thoughtful at all. It seems to be a logical consequence to not inviting her child though, she just didn't handle it the nicest way. 

lemonade323

Angeles61 said:

(Not really responsive to keeping in touch with me, tried often to talk about non-wedding related topics.)

That really stinks that she was not responsive to wanting to stay in touch with you.  However, did you expect her to ONLY talk about non-wedding topics?  I mean, there are other subjects too.  

Viczaesar

Angeles61 said:

To be honest, I was more put off by her response and the fact that she assumed he was invited. We chose not to invite kids for a handful of reasons which I didn't feel the need to explain to her.

I just told her I'm sorry she won't be there but I understand that it's difficult for her. I sort of saw it coming, I just thought she'd try to be less snippy about it.

I don't see anything snippy about her response.

misssunshine17

Viczaesar said:

Angeles61 said:

To be honest, I was more put off by her response and the fact that she assumed he was invited. We chose not to invite kids for a handful of reasons which I didn't feel the need to explain to her.

I just told her I'm sorry she won't be there but I understand that it's difficult for her. I sort of saw it coming, I just thought she'd try to be less snippy about it.

I don't see anything snippy about her response.

I agree. I don't understand why so many people don't understand why people get upset when people decline because their kids aren't invited. It always seems so one sided... like it's not okay for people to be upset about it.

kitty8403

Ok, I don't mean this to sound unkind here, but your post sounds a lot like you have been repeatedly getting annoyed with her for trying to talk to you about her life beyond your wedding. This woman had a baby and a major move--those are HUGE life changes. And just as important as your wedding. As a bridesmaid, she might reasonably have thought that you would make the effort to recognize those changes and accommodate her child.

Now, you're well within your rights not to allow any children. Totally OK. And yes, lots of people don't understand the envelope thing and interpret every invitation as an invitation to family. It sounds like an unfortunate misunderstanding. Just understand that this could be a difficult situation for a new mom, *especially* if it requires her to be away from home overnight or even multiple days. Even with her husband around, it'll be hard for her if she's breastfeeding.

southernbelle0915

I'm sorry that this important relationship has gone by the wayside due to her big life changes (move and baby) and yours (engagement). 

I'm curious though. You said you were on the phone with her when she said she'd attend with her child. Then you texted her to tell her the kid can't come? Am I misunderstanding your OP? Why didn't you just tell her when you were talking to her. I'd be kind of annoyed if I were just on the phone with someone and after we got off the phone they texted me something they were uncomfortable telling me... 

kitty8403

On a reread, I see you're responding to a "save the date," not a formal invitation. So I honestly think this is a simple mixup. Did you expect people to study the envelope of a save the date to figure out who is invited? I would think most people would assume the STD was a general heads up to the family that an event was coming up, while the formal invitation would be giving them the information about who was invited.
Since you haven't invited her yet, you still have a chance to follow up with her in case her situation changes at all, and an opportunity to discuss whether you want to make any rule changes with your FI.

Angeles61

I guess I should clear a few things up. 

Our whole conversation was through a text message, I didn't text her after the fact. 

@kitty8403 When I said I tried to talk to her about NON-wedding related topics, I meant - I never, ever tried to talk about the wedding to her. Like I said, we had grown apart and I didn't want to be selfish by just talking about wedding junk. I never wanted to be the person that gets engaged and doesn't shut up about wedding planning, so I don't bring it up unless asked about it. Last night, she brought it up her own and insinuated she'd be coming with her toddler son. I also don't think it's fair to assume that I never cared about what was going on in her life. I was there when her son was born. I actually was the one moving, just for the record. I stayed in town a week past when I was going to move so I could be there for the birth of her son. Once I moved, we didn't speak much and it was not lack of effort on my part.

I don't think I've done anything wrong here. Of course I expect declines, especially since we're not inviting children. 

I think if you got a response two seconds after you told a close friend her kid isn't invited, 7 months before the wedding, and she immediately said "Oh wow, no." You'd be put back a little too. No effort to make it and it was really uncaring. She's not a single mom. She has a husband, lives near her parents (usually I'd never assume grandparents want to babysit but I know her parents well and they'll take any chance they get.)

This whole post was about people assuming their kids are invited and getting insulted when they're not. 

kitty8403

Yeah that sucks. Your original post sounded, well, more like she was the one trying not to talk about the wedding.

I think assumptions about who is/ is not invited depend a lot on your region and social circles. Most people in my area and in my family will have to have the idea of "no kids" beaten into their heads, because not including children is unheard of. Kids ALWAYS go to weddings. Envelope be damned. You have to spell it out. Other areas, this is apparently not the case.

But I also think it's a tiny bit unfair to expect her to read a save the date the same way as a formal invite, you know? A save the date never says who will be invited. It's just a "hey! An invitation is coming!" (ETA: if people have to travel, then they might call or text or e-mail before they get their invite to confirm who is supposed to come. Which is what she was attempting to do.)

So in regard to her kid, she basically RSVPed to a non-existent invitation. Yes, she's in the wrong for assuming who the invitation would include without asking, but it was nice of her to try to give you some early feedback.

Angeles61

Ew, after re-reading my original post, I realized I definitely worded that wrong. Woops!

Viczaesar

Angeles61 said:

I guess I should clear a few things up. 

Our whole conversation was through a text message, I didn't text her after the fact. 

@kitty8403 When I said I tried to talk to her about NON-wedding related topics, I meant - I never, ever tried to talk about the wedding to her. Like I said, we had grown apart and I didn't want to be selfish by just talking about wedding junk. I never wanted to be the person that gets engaged and doesn't shut up about wedding planning, so I don't bring it up unless asked about it. Last night, she brought it up her own and insinuated she'd be coming with her toddler son. I also don't think it's fair to assume that I never cared about what was going on in her life. I was there when her son was born. I actually was the one moving, just for the record. I stayed in town a week past when I was going to move so I could be there for the birth of her son. Once I moved, we didn't speak much and it was not lack of effort on my part.

I don't think I've done anything wrong here. Of course I expect declines, especially since we're not inviting children. 

I think if you got a response two seconds after you told a close friend her kid isn't invited, 7 months before the wedding, and she immediately said "Oh wow, no." You'd be put back a little too. No effort to make it and it was really uncaring. She's not a single mom. She has a husband, lives near her parents (usually I'd never assume grandparents want to babysit but I know her parents well and they'll take any chance they get.)

This whole post was about people assuming their kids are invited and getting insulted when they're not. 

No, I wouldn't be upset at that response. What she said doesn't indicate that she's offended, just that she's unwilling to travel to your wedding without her young child. A lot of people would have the same reaction. Neither of you are in the wrong.

tabathafaye

If she's a bridesmaid, coming with a small child without the father, WHO would watch the child during the ceremony?

Angeles61

@tabathafaye I was wondering the same thing.

Grabows14

Angeles61 said:

@tabathafaye I was wondering the same thing.

Maybe she thought the toddler would be a ring bearer ....

MyNameIsNot

I hate to sound like the old lady here, but this is exactly why I hate text messaging for these conversations.  You didn't "talk" to her last night.  You exchanged texts.  It's not a conversation.  Her response may have seemed snippy to you, but she may have meant it in a totally different tone.  

Anyway, it sucks that she isn't making more of an effort to come to the wedding, but that's her decision.  It sucks that the friendship is coming to an end, but it happens.  She's not wrong to not want to come to a wedding where her baby isn't invited, and you aren't wrong to not invite the kid.