Cousin expects to be in my wedding party

Ashleyb2678

I have a fairly small family, with only 2 female cousins, and they are both sisters. I really want one in my wedding as we are very close, but not the other. She expects to be in my wedding, and has already informed me of the type of dress she needs to wear and I haven't even asked her to be in it. She is very negative, and has done a lot of bad talking about me. Type of person that puts people or things down to make herself look or feel better. Every time I invite her anywhere, she causes some sort of drama. We rarely talk anymore because of this. I feel like if I don't have her she will blow up and I might upset her parents. We haven't chose our wedding party officially because of this. Groom has 4 people on his side, and I have my Moh, grooms sister, my sister in law, and want my one cousin. Just want some opinions. Feel like maybe I should have both or neither. Any advice would help...

southernbelle0915

Ashleyb2678 said:

I have a fairly small family, with only 2 female cousins, and they are both sisters. I really want one in my wedding as we are very close, but not the other. She expects to be in my wedding, and has already informed me of the type of dress she needs to wear and I haven't even asked her to be in it. She is very negative, and has done a lot of bad talking about me. Type of person that puts people or things down to make herself look or feel better. Every time I invite her anywhere, she causes some sort of drama. We rarely talk anymore because of this. I feel like if I don't have her she will blow up and I might upset her parents. We haven't chose our wedding party officially because of this. Groom has 4 people on his side, and I have my Moh, grooms sister, my sister in law, and want my one cousin. Just want some opinions. Feel like maybe I should have both or neither. Any advice would help...

Ugh - it's always so rude when people ask to be in the WP and even worse when they just assume they are.

If you don't want her in the WP, don't ask her. Just have your one cousin stand up on your side. If you want to (ONLY if you want to), have the other one do a reading or something. You don't have to involve her at all if you don't want to. It's a huge honor for her to attend as a guest. You could also have neither as a BM and just ask the cousin you're close with to do a reading.

ETF: clarity

clarke10

It doesn't have to be both or neither. Don't let your difficult cousin prevent you from including the cousin you really want as a BM. That girl is just going to have to accept the fact that she doesn't get to be a BM. I would ignore her comments. When she finds out you've chosen your bridal party and she wasn't asked, hopefully she'll get the idea. 

Jen4948

There is no "all-or-none" when it comes to wedding party members.  Those not asked need to suck it up and accept that it's not up to them.

For now, ignore her and bean-dip her (change the subject) when she brings it up.  If that doesn't work, tell her outright, "Cousin, I'm sorry, but I'd really appreciate your dropping the subject of my wedding party.  I'm not willing to discuss it."

Ashleyb2678

Thanks for the advice. I did plan on talking to her. I just know how she will react. She's a bull, and very jealous person. I'm not sure what to say to her to explain why I want her sister and not her. We all grew up together, but she is in extreme denial of how mean of a person she can be. Any ideas how to break it to her?

AddieCake

When she asks why she's not in it, I would just tell her, "Cousin, you and I are are not that close. In fact, we rarely talk, and I have chosen people I'm close to for my wedding party. Have you seen Catching Fire? It's pretty good...."  

Amson19

I have a cousin who is exactly like this and in fact I asked her sister to be my MOH.
When she asked me to be in her wedding, I said yes and her response was "Ok great, now I can be in your wedding, whenever it happens." Not a thank you before or after that, only that response.
I knew that she was going to be very upset finding out that she wasn't in the wedding, but she's just gonna have to get over it. Her sister actually talked to her (without me knowing) and said "listen, you guys aren't close at all and she has a lot of people who are closer to her that she wants in her wedding. So get over it!" Maybe the cousin that you do want in the wedding could do the same?

Alexandrathgr8

AddieL73 said:

When she asks why she's not in it, I would just tell her, "Cousin, you and I are are not that close. In fact, we rarely talk, and I have chosen people I'm close to for my wedding party. Have you seen Catching Fire? It's pretty good...."  

That cracked me up!

Ashleyb2678

Ugh! So since I posted, my cousin went around telling everyone she wasn't coming to my wedding if she wasn't in it. It really upset me as I do want her there. When I spoke with her about what she had said she told me everyone was mad at me for not having her, and they all thought I was rude and it was nonsense to have one sister and not the other. She made me feel awful thinking my family was mad at me, so I told her we just hadn't asked everyone yet that was why we hadn't asked her. I was trying to make peace and not have everyone mad at me....I just found out she lied about it all, no one in my family even cared when she complained to them. She made me feel awful about it, and I feel like she manipulated her way in my wedding party. Now I don't know what to do, I can't even stand the thought of it all. HELP!

Ashleyb2678

I agree! I am just worried that I will be the bad person i kicking her out at this point. I shouldn't have cared so much before and made the right choice from the beginning.

Jen4948

Tell your cousin, "Cousin, it's come to my attention that you've decided not to attend my wedding if you're not in the wedding party.  If you decide not to come, that's certainly your right, but I do not appreciate your attempts to manipulate me by making me feel guilty if you don't attend.  The only persons who get to make the decision about who is in the wedding party are me and FI, and we are not going to make it on the basis of threats of hurt feelings and non-attendance.  In other words, drop it."

HisGirlFriday13

But wait: it sounds likw you already asked. You can't kick her out now just because you found out she lied. Yeah, she's a shitty person for lying, but you can't kick her out without ending the friendship.

If you're willing to do that, go for it and kick her out.

OliveOilsMom

Ashleyb2678 said:

Ugh! So since I posted, my cousin went around telling everyone she wasn't coming to my wedding if she wasn't in it. It really upset me as I do want her there. When I spoke with her about what she had said she told me everyone was mad at me for not having her, and they all thought I was rude and it was nonsense to have one sister and not the other. She made me feel awful thinking my family was mad at me, so I told her we just hadn't asked everyone yet that was why we hadn't asked her. I was trying to make peace and not have everyone mad at me....I just found out she lied about it all, no one in my family even cared when she complained to them. She made me feel awful about it, and I feel like she manipulated her way in my wedding party. Now I don't know what to do, I can't even stand the thought of it all. HELP!

I don't think there should be any debate about it, she DID manipulate her way into your BP.    You probably should have been prepared for her to confront you this way and used Addie's wording about what to say to her.

But now she is in your WP.  And if you kick her out, you will be the one that looks bad.  You know this will only fuel her fire about speaking about you behind your back if you kick her out.  If you are prepared to end your relationship with her, then go ahead and tell her that you found out that no one else in the family cared about her status in the WP.  Tell her she manipulated you to letting her into the WP and now you know about her lies and scheming.  Tell her you never had any intention of having her in the WP since you aren't close and her lies only confirm why you aren't close.  Then tell her she is out.  She will then go around and tell everyone she was kicked out.  Maybe your family won't care because they already see how often she tells lies and manipulated people.  Decide what is more important to you and follow through on that.

Ashleyb2678

Thank you all! Great advice!

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

But wait: it sounds likw you already asked. You can't kick her out now just because you found out she lied. Yeah, she's a shitty person for lying, but you can't kick her out without ending the friendship. If you're willing to do that, go for it and kick her out.

I read back through the posts, but no, none of them say that the OP already asked her.  She told the cousin that she and her FI hadn't made their decisions.  But it doesn't say anywhere that the OP has actually asked her, just that she feels like she's being manipulated and is worried about "kicking her out" of the wedding party, but it doesn't sound like she's actually already "in" the wedding party based on what's actually been posted.

But OP, if you haven't asked her, there's nothing for you to "kick her out of."  By way of clarity, don't use the language "kick her out" if she isn't already in.  Just make clear that you're not going to ask her and stop worrying about hurting anyone else's feelings.  That's not a good basis for making decisions about who should or shouldn't be in the wedding party.

HisGirlFriday13

Jen4948 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

But wait: it sounds likw you already asked. You can't kick her out now just because you found out she lied. Yeah, she's a shitty person for lying, but you can't kick her out without ending the friendship.

If you're willing to do that, go for it and kick her out.

I read back through the posts, but no, none of them say that the OP already asked her.  She told the cousin that she and her FI hadn't made their decisions.  But it doesn't say anywhere that the OP has actually asked her, just that she feels like she's being manipulated and is worried about "kicking her out" of the wedding party, but it doesn't sound like she's actually already "in" the wedding party based on what's actually been posted.

But OP, if you haven't asked her, there's nothing for you to "kick her out of."  By way of clarity, don't use the language "kick her out" if she isn't already in.  Just make clear that you're not going to ask her and stop worrying about hurting anyone else's feelings.  That's not a good basis for making decisions about who should or shouldn't be in the wedding party.


Her update post; she says she told the cousin they hadn't gotten around to asking everyone yet which is why cousin hadn't been asekd5, then further on, she says she feels like cousin manipulated her way into the wedding party. I took both of those to mean OP did ask her.

Jen4948

HisGirlFriday13 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

But wait: it sounds likw you already asked. You can't kick her out now just because you found out she lied. Yeah, she's a shitty person for lying, but you can't kick her out without ending the friendship. If you're willing to do that, go for it and kick her out.

I read back through the posts, but no, none of them say that the OP already asked her.  She told the cousin that she and her FI hadn't made their decisions.  But it doesn't say anywhere that the OP has actually asked her, just that she feels like she's being manipulated and is worried about "kicking her out" of the wedding party, but it doesn't sound like she's actually already "in" the wedding party based on what's actually been posted.

But OP, if you haven't asked her, there's nothing for you to "kick her out of."  By way of clarity, don't use the language "kick her out" if she isn't already in.  Just make clear that you're not going to ask her and stop worrying about hurting anyone else's feelings.  That's not a good basis for making decisions about who should or shouldn't be in the wedding party.

Her update post; she says she told the cousin they hadn't gotten around to asking everyone yet which is why cousin hadn't been asekd5, then further on, she says she feels like cousin manipulated her way into the wedding party. I took both of those to mean OP did ask her.

But telling the cousin that they hadn't gotten around to asking everyone yet does suggest that no one, including the cousin, was asked. 

I agree that the statement further on where she says she feels like cousin manipulated her way into the wedding party might mean that she was asked. 

But if no one was asked and the cousin was told that they hadn't gotten around to asking anyone yet, the cousin need not be asked, just told that she was not going to be asked with a "Sorry to hear that, we'll miss you" if she threatened to boycott.

Ashleyb2678

I had told her we haven't asked everyone and that we Had planned on asking her. I only said it because she told me both grandmas and aunts/ uncles and one cousin were all mad at me and thought I was rude for not having her, really let me have it. I felt awful thinking my family was mad at me and wanted to keep the peace, so I dug my own hole and covered it up by saying that. She has been in for 3 weeks now, and just recently I found out that she had complained about it to everyone and no one cared, no one was mad at all, she made it all up so I would feel bad, and it worked. I don't want to look bad by telling the bully she's not in now, I will just play nice and move on to happy planning

Jen4948

If you told her you planned on asking her, I think you're stuck asking her.