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doeydo

britsteptoe said:

Here it is, the first wedding planning fight! My fiance comes from a very large family, made even bigger by divorced parents and step-parents. In total his immediate family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and spouses) comes to about 85 people. My family is much smaller, about 10 people including all aunts / uncles and cousins. To make matters worse, his parents (biological and step) are not planning on helping out. My fiance says it is not their responsibility and that we will cover the cost of his whole family. I would like to limit the # of guests his parents are able to invite but he is the one who wants everyone there... We have made very significant cuts already (no kids, no plus 1's, and a number of friends I would like to have) to accomodate his request...

Is there anything I can do or say to make him see how this is unbalanced? That parents should be contributing? That some uncles and aunts aren't as close to us as others and friends may trump them?...

I cannot find help for this anywhere!

Thanks all

He is right.  It is not their job to pay for your wedding.  It is on you and your FI to pay for it.  Save up for a little while to pay for the wedding and/or have a brunch wedding or something that is more affordable.  Also, you don't have to invite every living blood relative, just people you and your FI truly want to invite.

doeydo

britsteptoe said:

Yes true it is between us... my parents are being really cool about the guest list and said it's our decision, on "my side" is the 10 pluse some extended family who I am close with and a few very close friends / bridal party. Total is about 50/60 people.

I suppose the real question is how can I get him to compromise on his family invites when he doesn't want to? Everytime I suggest it he tells me they're more important than so-and-so (a friend of mine). Venue is already booked so we can't compromise on getting married somewhere cheaper...

 Now he sounds selfish, IMO... I think that you two need to make your own "must have" lists and "would like" to invite lists.  Then, figure out the cost of everything and the price per person.  Then come to some sort of compromise/agreement on who all to invite.  Perhaps seeing a couples' counselor would be able to help you two work on this and be able to come to compromises/agreements in the future.

huskypuppy14

He shouldn't be making the OP not invite her friends because he has a big family. It works both ways.

HisGirlFriday13

He shouldn't be making the OP not invite her friends because he has a big family. It works both ways.

*stuck in the box*

^^^^^This. If they can only afford X people, he doesn't get to exclude her friends for the sake of his family. They need to compromise -- a smaller guest list, an off-season or off-peak hour wedding, etc. But the wedding can't be all his family at the exclusion of people who matter to her. That's not fair.

marshmallow1982

britsteptoe said:

Yes true it is between us... my parents are being really cool about the guest list and said it's our decision, on "my side" is the 10 pluse some extended family who I am close with and a few very close friends / bridal party. Total is about 50/60 people.

I suppose the real question is how can I get him to compromise on his family invites when he doesn't want to? Everytime I suggest it he tells me they're more important than so-and-so (a friend of mine). Venue is already booked so we can't compromise on getting married somewhere cheaper...

 

Can you then save on the per head cost? E.g can you have a buffet instead of sit down meal?

SP29

I agree that it is not up to FI's family to contribute.This isn't an FIL problem but a FI problem.

I do agree though, that if FI wants his big family there it should not be at the sacrifice of all your friends. 

Determine you budget. Get your parents to give you a total number they are comfortable with, you and FI determine the final number you are comfortable with and figure out how many guests that allows you to invite. No, fiance shouldn't have to cut his family just because it is larger than yours, but compromises need to be made on the guest list all around. 

You can also look at changing your meal to a buffet (as said), hosting beer and wine only instead of a full bar, bringing the ceremony time closer to the reception and doing photos before so that a cocktail hour isn't needed, don't use flowers for decorations (only bouquets/ boutonnieres) or centerpieces (use candles, vases with stones, etc), no limo. 

delujm0

britsteptoe said:

Yes true it is between us... my parents are being really cool about the guest list and said it's our decision, on "my side" is the 10 pluse some extended family who I am close with and a few very close friends / bridal party. Total is about 50/60 people.

I suppose the real question is how can I get him to compromise on his family invites when he doesn't want to? Everytime I suggest it he tells me they're more important than so-and-so (a friend of mine). Venue is already booked so we can't compromise on getting married somewhere cheaper...

 

Here's the problem: i understand that it stinks to cut your friends because of his large family, but these people are FAMILY.  They are about to be YOUR family too, and you can guarantee they'll be around the rest of their/your lives because they are family.  You truly don't know which of your friends will be around in a year, or ten, or twenty.  Family is more important.


However, you shouldn't have to cut all of your friends on account of his large family.  You have two choices here: lower your per person cost or lower your guest list. To lower your per person cost, come up with a "must invite" list and then start investigating venues/options where that amount of people will fit into your budget.  To lower your guest list, you're going to have to have hard conversations and make deep cuts.  But it is within FI's rights to invite his whole immediate family.  Maybe he won't have room to invite any of his friends as a result of this.  It's a hard discussion to have, but it will prepare you for the difficulties of your upcoming marriage.  I'd suggest not punishing FI for the size of his family though - there is no way that conversation will end well.

JellyBean52513

delujm0 said: britsteptoe said: Yes true it is between us... my parents are being really cool about the guest list and said it's our decision, on "my side" is the 10 pluse some extended family who I am close with and a few very close friends / bridal party. Total is about 50/60 people. I suppose the real question is how can I get him to compromise on his family invites when he doesn't want to? Everytime I suggest it he tells me they're more important than so-and-so (a friend of mine). Venue is already booked so we can't compromise on getting married somewhere cheaper...  Here's the problem: i understand that it stinks to cut your friends because of his large family, but these people are FAMILY.  They are about to be YOUR family too, and you can guarantee they'll be around the rest of their/your lives because they are family.  You truly don't know which of your friends will be around in a year, or ten, or twenty.  Family is more important.


However, you shouldn't have to cut all of your friends on account of his large family.  You have two choices here: lower your per person cost or lower your guest list. To lower your per person cost, come up with a "must invite" list and then start investigating venues/options where that amount of people will fit into your budget.  To lower your guest list, you're going to have to have hard conversations and make deep cuts.  But it is within FI's rights to invite his whole immediate family.  Maybe he won't have room to invite any of his friends as a result of this.  It's a hard discussion to have, but it will prepare you for the difficulties of your upcoming marriage.  I'd suggest not punishing FI for the size of his family though - there is no way that conversation will end well.
I think this is a very bold line to draw. For some--many--people, their family only consists of friends. Just because someone is blood-related, that doesn't make them more important than a friends based on shared DNA alone.

PrettyGirlLost

delujm0 said:

britsteptoe said:

Yes true it is between us... my parents are being really cool about the guest list and said it's our decision, on "my side" is the 10 pluse some extended family who I am close with and a few very close friends / bridal party. Total is about 50/60 people.

I suppose the real question is how can I get him to compromise on his family invites when he doesn't want to? Everytime I suggest it he tells me they're more important than so-and-so (a friend of mine). Venue is already booked so we can't compromise on getting married somewhere cheaper...

 

Here's the problem: i understand that it stinks to cut your friends because of his large family, but these people are FAMILY.  They are about to be YOUR family too, and you can guarantee they'll be around the rest of their/your lives because they are family.  You truly don't know which of your friends will be around in a year, or ten, or twenty.  Family is more important.  No, not necessarily.  People determine who is important to them, regardless of DNA.  Don't you know anyone who comes from a family where blood relatives are estranged and feuding and no longer on speaking terms?  I sure do.  Being related to someone doesn't automatically make them close or important to you.  If OP has friends that are as important to her as her FI's family, then her FI needs to compromise and find a way to include them.


However, you shouldn't have to cut all of your friends on account of his large family.  You have two choices here: lower your per person cost or lower your guest list. To lower your per person cost, come up with a "must invite" list and then start investigating venues/options where that amount of people will fit into your budget.  To lower your guest list, you're going to have to have hard conversations and make deep cuts.  But it is within FI's rights to invite his whole immediate family.  Maybe he won't have room to invite any of his friends as a result of this.  It's a hard discussion to have, but it will prepare you for the difficulties of your upcoming marriage.  I'd suggest not punishing FI for the size of his family though - there is no way that conversation will end well.  Ok, well then maybe FI needs to pony up and pay for more of the reception himself so he can accommodate his entire family and so OP isn't forced to cut people she loves and holds dear.

The horse has already left the barn on this one, but for the benefit of lurkers this is one of the reasons why it is important to develop your budget and guest list in concert with one another, and THEN start looking for and booking venues.

SP29

Family may not be there in 20 years, heck, not even in 2 years.

My FI invited some extended family members that were very important to his grandmother (who is dying I might add) to be there- she wanted all her family to be together for this special occasion. Most of them declined to come. For myself, I don't care, as I've never even met these people, and it saves us money, but I am upset for my fiance as these people are supposedly FAMILY and "so" important. 

I am inviting members of my own family (aunts/uncles, cousins) who are all nice people, and we can get a long, but we honestly are NOT close and only stick together because we are "family" (aka, see each other 2-3 times per year). I like them all, but friends and acquaintances of myself and my parents have been more like family and they are the people I would call on if I needed something. 

Yes, FI should not have to cut his family (if they are important- some families really are super close knit) just because his side is bigger, but nor should the OP have to cut her important friends. I also think it is fair for the OP to tell her FI that he needs to come up with more money to host all these people, or else the guest list needs to be cut. 

aurorajanette

I completely agree with @PrettyGirlLost on that. FI's family are not close. Most of them he hasn't seen in years, and probably won't see again during our lifetime. My family is incredibly close. I am having a large number of family and he is having a large number of friends at the wedding. His friends are like his family to him, and in no way are they less important than my family. No one gets to decide who is close to you and who isn't based on whether or not they are family. That is a completely personal decision.

WedReMix13

I can tell you from experience- When someone else pays, they get the say and it SUCKS. I regret everything about my wedding because i had NO say. 

My renewal was wonderful, we paid for it and it went according to our plans. 

My advice:

Get a budget with your FI on board

Invite who you can and be done with it! 

chibiyui

Why delete? You've been quoted, so everything you've typed is still readable. Empty titles just bring more viewers in.

huskypuppy14

This is a weird deleted post. No one was mean, and a lot of people agreed with her.

Viczaesar

OP, quit editing your thread title. It's rude and you're only calling more attention to your thread.

jenniferurs

All I will say is...sharing blood alone does not make one automatically more important than friends.

MadHops21

I came in here for the vague title...but I also agree with the ladies here about compromising. I'd feel awful if I had to pay for FI's family that he barely knows and get rid of my friends from my guest list.