Invite questions- Causing world war 3 in my house

LeighShahbazian

We are getting married in late March and this weekend I constructed a beautiful and fun invite on vistaprint. My parents are graciously hosting the reception and FI and I are paying for all vendors, accessories, morning after brunch etc. FI family is OOT and we decided to prioritize a shuttle bus to and from the ceremony and reception (so they do not have to rent cars while staying) and have borrowed from other places in our budget- namely invites and centerpieces.
My mother has decided that the invitations I have created do not accurately reflect the formality of the wedding and has decided she wants them "fancier" as they have her name and reflect hosting. After I bristled at that statement, I gave in, told her my budget and asked her to find invites within the budget. She actually did a good job and stayed close to budget to I will appease and use the ones she picked

Now the actual questions...
Is it ever proper etiguette to word this way..
Mr and Mrs Smith invite you to the wedding of
Sally
and
John
Son of Mr. and Mrs. Johnson

I understand they (my parents) are hosting and therefore their names should be on the invite but I also feel like this wording makes it APPARENT that FI parents are NOT contributing financially (when they are- they are paying for RD and have graciously hosted a shower in his home state that they flew us both out for). Can I get both etiquette feedback and personal feeling feedback on this wording?

Second question- my mother is insisting all responses be addressed to her home and that she gets to open them first. Is that proper etiquette as well as she is technically "hosting"? In  that arena I am just bummed, I am really excited to get them (don't worry we are not sending them out until the end of January) and it is one of those things that seem incredibly real and gratifying to open and get happy about. Random vent on this second one I think- I disagree with her but "she is paying so she has a say"

ShanaKatherine

That wording for your invitation is fine, I am doing the same thing since my parents are hosting our wedding and paying for the whole reception. In fact, I have The Knot wedding planner binder at home with all my wedding details, and that's how they show you it should be worded if the brides parents host. Also, since they are hosting, the RSVP's should be sent to them. I'm sure your Mom will keep you up to date on all the responses! In the end, you need the head count!

As for your FI parents, same goes for them. They are hosting your RD so their names should state that on the RD invites. And whether you do snail mail or e-vites for the RD, the RSVP's should go to them too. It's kind of nice to delegate some of those things, seeing as Brides have enough to do!

Hope this helped you! 

Jen4948

You can use that wording.

Your mother is right that as host she should receive the replies, but do you not trust her to share them with you?

If the problem is that she's using "I pay I say" as a weapon against you, maybe you need to tell her how you feel and pay for more of the wedding yourself (if she's doing this, she's not "graciously hosting") to take this weapon away from her.

PS-the wording is not supposed to indicate who's paying, as hosting does not equal paying and the financial arrangements are not the guests' business.  If your FILs will be acting as "point persons" of the wedding-greeting guests and making sure their needs are attended to, then they are "hosting."  It is possible to be a silent financial contributor without hosting.

doeydo

I agree with Jen4948 that paying does not necessarily mean hosting.  You could just say "Together with their families" or "Together with their parents", but here are some other wording options:
"Mr. and Mrs. John L. Smith &
Mr. and Mrs. Mark Franklin Jacobson
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their children
Heather Marie
to
Michael Francis"

 

or 

"Mr. and Mrs. Patrick Lewis Manning
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Amelia Rose
to
Liam Quinlan
son of Mr. and Mrs. Riordan Timothy Cullen"

AddieCake

Why does she feel she HAS to be the one to collect the RSVPs?  Who is keeping track of the guest list, you or her? We had all of our RSVPs sent to us since I was keeping track and doing the seating chart. I loved going to the mailbox for those as well. I would just tell her what you told us, that you are looking forward to those fun mailbox moments. 

lauracutter

I would want the RSVPs sent to me because I'll be doing the seating chart and letting the planner/ venue know the final headcount and what meals are being ordered.  As for the wording, "hosting" doesn't necessarily mean paying. 

southernbelle0915

That's how we worded our wedding invitations. It's not TRADITIONAL, but it's not against ETIQUETTE (two different things). We did it because my parents were technically hosting, but wanted to include DH's parents on the invitation. It's inclusive - it's not a slight saying "oh you're not paying for anything". At all. 

It's fine if the RSVPs go to your mom's house. Do what makes sense. We had the RSVPs come to our house because we were interfacing with all the vendors. To have another cook in the kitchen would have been confusing and unnecessary.

HisGirlFriday13

The wording is fine. Hosting doesn't mean paying, but since your mother is both paying and hosting, her wording is correct. Including your FI's parents' names is a courtesy for people whom his family might want to invite but who are a little fuzzy on who he is.

The issue of the RSVPs, however, is not one of etiquette. I would tell your mother that the RSVPs are going to come to you because (a) you want the excitement of going to the post box and (b) you are the one doing the seating charts and head counts for vendors and (c) as they are YOUR and YOUR FI's guests, you two should be the ones to handle the eventual add-ons (people who assume their children are including, single guests who want to bring a plus-one, etc.).