Venting about a bridesmaid

ginger2431

So you may think I'm harsh for posting this, but one of the bridesmaids (let's call her Sam) is driving me absolutely crazy!

For starters, after she told me that she was so excited to be in my wedding (before I had ever even asked her), she also told another girl that she was going to be one of my bridesmaids!  I told Sam that I was sorry, but she'd made a mistake, and she would need to rectify the situation with the other girl.  Instead of doing so, she told the other girl that I changed my mind and that there were other girls I decided I'd rather have as bridesmaids instead of her.  Now, of course, the other girl is no longer speaking to me.

Then there is the issue of bridesmaid dresses.  Sam went to an appointment to try dresses on with some of the other girls and myself, and pitched a fit about every single dress except the one she wanted - which happens to look almost identical to my wedding gown.  Naturally, I vetoed it.  She then decided that she didn't like my color scheme (light purple), and that the bridesmaids should be dressed in yellow instead.  She actually went so far as to email some of the other girls and say that I changed my mind about the color!  Of course, all of them knew better, but I think it's completely ridiculous that she would even try that.  So far, she is still refusing to buy the dress that all the other girls settled on, because it's "not tight enough."  Oy vey!

And finally, there is the issue of her date.  My FI and I are having a very small and intimate wedding, so we're not giving out plus ones unless the guest is actually in a relationship.  Sam has been through three guys in the past three weeks, and has apparently mentioned the wedding to each one of them, as she'll text me and say, "[so and so] is super excited about your wedding!"

Am I within my rights to be frustrated with this girl, or am I just being a bridezilla and overreacting?

AddieCake

ginger2431 said:

So you may think I'm harsh for posting this, but one of the bridesmaids (let's call her Sam) is driving me absolutely crazy!

For starters, after she told me that she was so excited to be in my wedding (before I had ever even asked her), she also told another girl that she was going to be one of my bridesmaids!  I told Sam that I was sorry, but she'd made a mistake, and she would need to rectify the situation with the other girl.  Instead of doing so, she told the other girl that I changed my mind and that there were other girls I decided I'd rather have as bridesmaids instead of her.  Now, of course, the other girl is no longer speaking to me.

Then there is the issue of bridesmaid dresses.  Sam went to an appointment to try dresses on with some of the other girls and myself, and pitched a fit about every single dress except the one she wanted - which happens to look almost identical to my wedding gown.  Naturally, I vetoed it.  She then decided that she didn't like my color scheme (light purple), and that the bridesmaids should be dressed in yellow instead.  She actually went so far as to email some of the other girls and say that I changed my mind about the color!  Of course, all of them knew better, but I think it's completely ridiculous that she would even try that.  So far, she is still refusing to buy the dress that all the other girls settled on, because it's "not tight enough."  Oy vey!

And finally, there is the issue of her date.  My FI and I are having a very small and intimate wedding, so we're not giving out plus ones unless the guest is actually in a relationship.  Sam has been through three guys in the past three weeks, and has apparently mentioned the wedding to each one of them, as she'll text me and say, "[so and so] is super excited about your wedding!"

Am I within my rights to be frustrated with this girl, or am I just being a bridezilla and overreacting?

I think you're right to be frustrated, but I also think you should give members of your wedding party a +1. 

ginger2431

I know that's generally a rule, but I talked to every bridesmaid in the beginning and explained that we were doing a small wedding, and asked them if they were okay without plus ones unless they were in a relationship.  All the girls said that was fine, as they understand that I'm doing a small wedding (immediate family and close friends only - not even extended family).

princessleia22

It sounds to me like you are justified.  Honestly, if she were giving me that much trouble, I would tell her that it's my wedding, not hers, we are doing it my way, and if she doesn't like it she doesn't have to be in the wedding.  She can come as a guest like everyone else.

Amyzen83

Wow, your not a bridezilla, it sounds like you picked yourself up a bridesmaidzilla. I'm sorry she's putting you through all this unnecessary drama. I think I would tell her, "I know you are excited about my wedding and you have some nice ideas, but in the end this is my wedding and I get to make the final decisions, I suggest you save your ideas for your wedding instead. If you can't listen to me, or go along with things, then you don't have to be in it."

HaileyDancingbear

How does being frustrated with an overdramatic, lying, and completely inconsiderate bridesmaid make you a bridezilla?  If that were my wedding, and I had Sam as a bridesmaid, I'd just tell her flat out "Listen, you do not get a plus one, my color scheme is light purple, We picked the bridesmaid dresses.  It is not your wedding, you do not choose the bridesmaids, the dresses are a GROUP decision, and I am not ok with you lying to the other bridesmaids and hurting Jen's feelings (I decided the girl who isn't talking to you anymore because of Sam is named Jen.  Poor Jen.)  Either buy the dress and cut the bulls--t, or don't be a bridesmaid."  

I'm getting sick of everyone being so afraid of being called a "Bridezilla" that they let themselves get pushed around.  Stand up for yourself, you have every right to want your light purple color scheme, small wedding, and bridesmaids dresses that don't look just like your dress, because it's your wedding, not Sam's, and if she really respected that she wouldn't be trying to push you around like this.  

And as for the plus one, I am TOTALLY behind you on only giving them to people in relationships.  You want a small intimate wedding, and photos featuring your family and close friends.  Not photos featuring your family, close friends, and that dude Sam dated for a week who's name nobody remembers.

Amyzen83

I completely agree! Also about the plus ones I think that because it's such a small wedding it's fine if she chooses not to give her bridesmaids a plus 1. If it were a larger guest list then I'd probably allow them a plus 1. I too feel sad for "jen", how dare Sam lie to her like that and how dare she try to manipulate the wedding to suit her wants. Honestly if you don't mind losing her as a friend, I would say that's good enough grounds to kick her out. But I also don't know your friendship w her, she could just have no manners.

NeverTooManyShoes

Poor Jen any chance you could swap Sam for Jen lol

artbyallie

How many bridesmaids do you even have and how many are single? It can't be that many people we're talking about adding, here.

But yes, her behavior sounds pretty obnoxious. Tell her to cut it out and buy the dress everyone has chosen.

misssunshine17

What do you consider an 'actual relationship', OP? 

I'll help: the correct answer is anyone who considers themselves in a relationship. This could be two weeks or engaged for ten years, living together or not. 

PolarBearFitz

misssunshine17 said:

What do you consider an 'actual relationship', OP? 

I'll help: the correct answer is anyone who considers themselves in a relationship. This could be two weeks or engaged for ten years, living together or not. 

This. While the rest of your bridesmaid's behavior is somewhat appalling the +1 situation is a bit off. Judging whether or not someone is in a relationship is not the right way to treat close friends. I would recommend giving all your bridal part +1s. Excluding one girl because she isn't in a 'long term' relationship is hurtful and singling her out.

Belthil

HaileyDancingbear said:

How does being frustrated with an overdramatic, lying, and completely inconsiderate bridesmaid make you a bridezilla?  If that were my wedding, and I had Sam as a bridesmaid, I'd just tell her flat out "Listen, you do not get a plus one, my color scheme is light purple, We picked the bridesmaid dresses.  It is not your wedding, you do not choose the bridesmaids, the dresses are a GROUP decision, and I am not ok with you lying to the other bridesmaids and hurting Jen's feelings (I decided the girl who isn't talking to you anymore because of Sam is named Jen.  Poor Jen.)  Either buy the dress and cut the bulls--t, or don't be a bridesmaid."  

I'm getting sick of everyone being so afraid of being called a "Bridezilla" that they let themselves get pushed around.  Stand up for yourself, you have every right to want your light purple color scheme, small wedding, and bridesmaids dresses that don't look just like your dress, because it's your wedding, not Sam's, and if she really respected that she wouldn't be trying to push you around like this.  

And as for the plus one, I am TOTALLY behind you on only giving them to people in relationships.  You want a small intimate wedding, and photos featuring your family and close friends.  Not photos featuring your family, close friends, and that dude Sam dated for a week who's name nobody remembers.

This. All of it.

crisscrossKG

Boundaries. Boundaries. BOUNDARIES! 

That girl is way out of line. YOU are the bride. YOU make the decision on your color scheme, YOU make the decision on who you have in your wedding. NO ONE should be emailing your bridesmaids telling them you changed your color scheme..That is not okay. 

While the decision to keep her in the loop about any further appointments you have, or be a part of any wedding showers or parties, or if she is even in the bridal party is up to you, think seriously about the kind of drama, chaos, and lack of manners that she is bringing to the table here.  

She needs to know that if she continues any more of that kind of nonsense, there will be consequences (such as ejection from the bridal party, not invited to the appointments, or disinvited to the wedding itself if it keeps escalating) that will be followed through with. 

As to the +1s, if you are keeping the numbers low and she doesn't have a serious relationship and you don't even know the guy, don't feel bad about only keeping the numbers small to have a more intimate wedding with people you're actually close with. Stick to your budget and if the budget doesn't allow for a bunch of +1s, then don't.

ginger2431

Yes, I agree that I'm not the one to be determining whether or not she's in a relationship.  HOWEVER, the fact that she still goes out with other guys makes it pretty clear that she is not, in fact, in a relationship.  I know people have different ideas of what constitutes a relationship, and I don't think there's any length requirement for how long two people have to be together to be considered a couple, but I do believe that to be in a relationship, you can't be seeing other people.  Additionally, if it were just one bridesmaid that was single I would obviously give her a plus one, but more than half the bridesmaids are single.  It's not that I'm just choosing one girl who can't bring a date, the majority of the bridesmaids won't have one.

KeptInStitches

Some people have open relationships. If your BM defines herself as in a relationship - and says that she is - then she is.

AddieCake

I still say it's just a nice gesture to allow anyone in your wedding party to have a date. Like Allie said, how many extra people are we talking here? I'd cut back on something else from my wedding, even my own bouquet, if that was how I would be able to let my nearest and dearest have a date. 

HaileyDancingbear

ginger2431 said:

Yes, I agree that I'm not the one to be determining whether or not she's in a relationship.  HOWEVER, the fact that she still goes out with other guys makes it pretty clear that she is not, in fact, in a relationship.  I know people have different ideas of what constitutes a relationship, and I don't think there's any length requirement for how long two people have to be together to be considered a couple, but I do believe that to be in a relationship, you can't be seeing other people.  Additionally, if it were just one bridesmaid that was single I would obviously give her a plus one, but more than half the bridesmaids are single.  It's not that I'm just choosing one girl who can't bring a date, the majority of the bridesmaids won't have one.

Still behind you 100% on that.  Your bridesmaids already agreed on it (Everyone other than Sam, but screw Sam) so I don't care what is normal or expected or thought to be most polite,  clearly it's fine to your bridesmaids.  If you don't want to pay however much the cost is per head for people you don't know and won't remember to attend the wedding you want to be intimate and small, and nobody other than Sam has an issue with that, it's absolutely fine. 

[Deleted User]

Dresses and dates aside - it sounds like you said she wasn't going to be in your wedding at the beginning of this post... and then she was with you bridesmaid dress shopping? Sounds like y'all have some figuring out to do about more than the details!

WildMagelet

sothenjanasaid said:

Dresses and dates aside - it sounds like you said she wasn't going to be in your wedding at the beginning of this post... and then she was with you bridesmaid dress shopping? Sounds like y'all have some figuring out to do about more than the details!

OP Never said Sam wasn't going to be a BM, but that Sam lied to some other random girl (who we've dubbed Jen), that OP wanted Jen to be a BM.

Bubblegum5586

ginger2431 said:

So you may think I'm harsh for posting this, but one of the bridesmaids (let's call her Sam) is driving me absolutely crazy!

For starters, after she told me that she was so excited to be in my wedding (before I had ever even asked her), she also told another girl that she was going to be one of my bridesmaids!  I told Sam that I was sorry, but she'd made a mistake, and she would need to rectify the situation with the other girl.  Instead of doing so, she told the other girl that I changed my mind and that there were other girls I decided I'd rather have as bridesmaids instead of her.  Now, of course, the other girl is no longer speaking to me.

Then there is the issue of bridesmaid dresses.  Sam went to an appointment to try dresses on with some of the other girls and myself, and pitched a fit about every single dress except the one she wanted - which happens to look almost identical to my wedding gown.  Naturally, I vetoed it.  She then decided that she didn't like my color scheme (light purple), and that the bridesmaids should be dressed in yellow instead.  She actually went so far as to email some of the other girls and say that I changed my mind about the color!  Of course, all of them knew better, but I think it's completely ridiculous that she would even try that.  So far, she is still refusing to buy the dress that all the other girls settled on, because it's "not tight enough."  Oy vey!

And finally, there is the issue of her date.  My FI and I are having a very small and intimate wedding, so we're not giving out plus ones unless the guest is actually in a relationship.  Sam has been through three guys in the past three weeks, and has apparently mentioned the wedding to each one of them, as she'll text me and say, "[so and so] is super excited about your wedding!"

Am I within my rights to be frustrated with this girl, or am I just being a bridezilla and overreacting?

I think it was very strange for "Jen" to accept to be a BM from another BM (Sam) asking!! I would want the bride to ask me herself otherwise I wouldn't think it was real....

Amyzen83

That's very good point! It was kind of Jen's bad for not clarifying with the bride, I hope OP and her can fix things. I think Sam needs to take a chill pill drink a few margaritas and just let OP be the bride and all Sam needs to do is smile and nod and show up on the wedding day.

ashleyep

Let's hope she continues to refuse to buy the dress. That will very quickly take her out of your bridal party without you having to do it.