@KnotPorscha

Maggie0829

Can I ask why the thread "bridesmaid in pants" was closed? I don't see anything in any of the responses that would deem it out of hand for an admin to close it.

Maggie0829

And please tell me that the reason it was closed wasn't because the poster came crying to you because she was "bullied" (which she wasn't) and didn't like the responses she got. If you let one poster do it then I am guessing we are going to have a flood of closed posts in our future.

Alexandrathgr8

I asked her to close it because I didn't get any constructive feedback- merely harsh judgements and mean comments. Making someone feel shitty about themselves is not the way to help.

Alexandrathgr8

Thank you @knotporscha

Maggie0829

You did get constructive feedback. We all told you that your reasoning to leave your close friend out was horrible (like you had asked if it was) and we told you to speak with her about her outfit and come it a compromise. Instead you chose to focus on the fact that we weren't agreeing with you or validating your bad idea. Grow the hell up because if you consider what was said bullying then count yourself lucky.

And @KnotPorscha I thought you said a few months back that you wouldn't close a thread if someone asked you to? Does that no longer hold true?

southernbelle0915

@Alexandrathgr8 - I gave you constructive feedback as did a lot of other posters.

Not only did you get a lot of good ideas on alternatives to dresses, you got some advice that might help save your friendship with this person who is obviously important to you. 

@knotporscha - I'm with @Maggie0829 on this. That was a really mild thread where I don't even think what anyone said was against the TOS. Am I wrong about that? Could you please clarify the criteria for closing a thread? I know zombie threads and nasty threads that get out of hand get closed, but can someone just ask to have a thread closed because they don't like what they're hearing? What about lurkers with the same questions? 

Alexandrathgr8

@Southernbelle0915

I did appreciate the comments- i guess i was just sensitive to being called a "horrible" person because I can't picture everyone in dresses and one person in pants and a blouse looking good.... i guess i wasn't prepared for people telling me that it was ridiculous to consider the aesthetics of my bridal party.. thats all.. i was hurt.. but if she wants to reopen the thread that's fine.. you are right. maybe there is someone else out there wondering the same thing.

QueerFemme

I think my advice about addressing your own homophobia before entering into a same sex marriage was VERY contstructive. 

If you can't be comfortable with your own sexuality, how do you expect anyone else to be? 

misshart00

Wow, I haven't really been on in months and @KnotPorscha is just as flakey as she was then. I also remember you saying you would no longer close threads just because someone asked. I thought we were making progress.

Maggie0829

@Alexandrathgr8 - you were the one who originally used the word horrible to describe yourself for the reason of not wanting to include her so all we were doing was agreeing on your own assessment.

Alexandrathgr8

@prettybirdy27- no you were fine. thanks for the feedback.


Sorry i caused such an uproar.

southernbelle0915

Alexandrathgr8 said:

@Southernbelle0915

I did appreciate the comments- i guess i was just sensitive to being called a "horrible" person because I can't picture everyone in dresses and one person in pants and a blouse looking good.... i guess i wasn't prepared for people telling me that it was ridiculous to consider the aesthetics of my bridal party.. thats all.. i was hurt.. but if she wants to reopen the thread that's fine.. you are right. maybe there is someone else out there wondering the same thing.

I can understand being hurt, but nobody is trying to hurt you. They're trying to help you. Here are some photos I would have posted on the other thread if it were open. Hopefully they make it easier to picture:

QueerFemme

that's exactly what I was thinking.  The OP already knew she was being horrible.  How does agreeing with her own assessment make us bullies?    Just because you don't like what you hear, doesn't mean you were bullied or attacked.

Alexandrathgr8

@southernbelle0915

Thank you thank you!!! Thats the kind of stuff i wanted to see.. i just couldn't picture it...  and wanted to know of other brides experiences.

rajahmd

QueerFemme said:

I think my advice about addressing your own homophobia before entering into a same sex marriage was VERY contstructive. 

If you can't be comfortable with your own sexuality, how do you expect anyone else to be? 

As always, @queerfemme is a genius and right. OP, I too am concerned that you seem so worried about hiding the fact that two women are getting married. It's not healthy to think that way.

Alexandrathgr8

@prettybirdy27

Just because I said it and felt it, didn't mean i was ready for other people to tell me it was true....and i can't give you a reason for changing it. i just did- i have no idea.

Maggie0829

Well if you aren't ready for blunt answers then I would suggest not posting on these boards. We don't sugar coat things to save your feelings. We don't know you so we will tell you the truth even if it hurts. And that is exactly what you were told, the truth.

[Deleted User]

@Alexandrathgr8 did ask to have the post removed. After reviewing the thread I decided to close it before comments started violating any rules. That way, we can keep the conversation live for anyone else that may need the same advice.

Alexandrathgr8

RajahBMFD said:

I think my advice about addressing your own homophobia before entering into a same sex marriage was VERY contstructive. 

If you can't be comfortable with your own sexuality, how do you expect anyone else to be? 

As always, @queerfemme is a genius and right. OP, I too am concerned that you seem so worried about hiding the fact that two women are getting married. It's not healthy to think that way.

Yes.. well unfortunately it's something I deal with, i don't like to make a spectacle of my sexuality and it has never been my defining point, and i don't like that it will be very much the front spectacle of the wedding... and i worry about our families(who may or may not attend) and how they will react.... not everyone  is as comfortable in their sexuality as @queerfemme is...there is much more this story- but this is neither the time nor place..i appreciate your concern though...it will be a great celebration of love and my commitment to my girl.

Maggie0829

KnotPorscha said:

@Alexandrathgr8 did ask to have the post removed. After reviewing the thread I decided to close it before comments started violating any rules. That way, we can keep the conversation live for anyone else that may need the same advice.

I am sorry but that is ridiculous. If that was the thought behind closing it then that could be true for a great number of threads on these boards. So any time you "think" someone may violate the rules then the thread will be closed? Do you see how that could not be the best idea? And what made you even think from what was posted that someone was going to violate the rules?

misshart00

KnotPorscha said:

@Alexandrathgr8 did ask to have the post removed. After reviewing the thread I decided to close it before comments started violating any rules. That way, we can keep the conversation live for anyone else that may need the same advice.

But no one violated any rules. It's not fair to anyone to close a thread just because it COULD get out of hand. ETA: You might as well shut down the forums altogether. Every single thread on here has the potential to get out of hand.

rajahmd

Hey @knotporscha, http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/6816129#Comment_6816129 In case you forgot your previous stance on closing/deleting threads because of complaints.

Kerigirl9

If you ask me there has to be some way for items to be removed or closed if the OP would like to stop receiving feedback. I, for one, know that the first time I posted something I was not prepared for the "honest" responses i received. I'm sorry, but some of you ladies are unnecessarily mean to new posters...., it nearly drove me straight out of here. The fact is that most of you sure do know your etiquette (I would challenge anyone to say otherwise) but I can see where new poster might start to panic when receiving these "helpful, honest and unbiased" responses and want to put a stop to it. Since there is no way to delete a thread in your own, and changing the name to try to stop responses is met with ridicule (I know this as when I tried to delete my first thread someone gleefully pointed out how it had already been quoted in its entirety so there was no use trying to "hide"). I can see the poster's point here.

AddieCake

Kerigirl9 said:

If you ask me there has to be some way for items to be removed or closed if the OP would like to stop receiving feedback. I, for one, know that the first time I posted something I was not prepared for the "honest" responses i received. I'm sorry, but some of you ladies are unnecessarily mean to new posters...., it nearly drove me straight out of here. The fact is that most of you sure do know your etiquette (I would challenge anyone to say otherwise) but I can see where new poster might start to panic when receiving these "helpful, honest and unbiased" responses and want to put a stop to it. Since there is no way to delete a thread in your own, and changing the name to try to stop responses is met with ridicule (I know this as when I tried to delete my first thread someone gleefully pointed out how it had already been quoted in its entirety so there was no use trying to "hide"). I can see the poster's point here.

What do you do in real life when you hear things you don't want to hear? Ask someone to make the people stop talking to you?  Are posters going to make this request EVERY time they don't like the responses they get?  If they are unhappy with the way people respond, nobody is forcing them to stay here. There are other websites they can go to if they prefer the atmosphere there. It's no different than going anywhere in the world. If you don't like the place, don't go back. If users really feel that upset over the feedback and yet still want to stick around but are embarrassed to do so or whatever, just make a new screen name and start over. 

ETA: Also, there are several regs here who had a rough start, but they took their licks, didn't go crying about it, and stuck around and became valued and welcome members of this community b/c people respect that they didn't act like babies when they got flamed. 

ktjanesmom

My pastor says, "say anything you want, but say it with love"   Some of you ladies say it with venom. 

AddieCake

ktjanesmom said:

My pastor says, "say anything you want, but say it with love"   Some of you ladies say it with venom. 

And that's all a matter of opinion, now isn't it? What one person thinks is venom, what another thinks is love, etc, is all personal opinion. And BECAUSE it's all opinion, even when people ARE saying things "nicely," if it's not what the poster wants to hear, they still cry foul. It's bullshit. 

Fran1985

KnotPorscha said:

@Alexandrathgr8 did ask to have the post removed. After reviewing the thread I decided to close it before comments started violating any rules. That way, we can keep the conversation live for anyone else that may need the same advice.

You might want to shut down this one too then in case any comments start violating any rules.

This is a ridiculous position. If this is the new policy it is going to be awful. 

MobKaz

There is a TOS for a reason.  It affords posters an understanding of what is and is not acceptable.  

New posters are always encouraged to lurk in order to get a sense of what they may encounter when posting on the boards.  Being an international board, there is an INCREDIBLE amount of diversity regarding the type of responses given.  One person's "venom" is another's blunt. One person's "attack" is another's honest.  The one thing I do not expect, nor find necessary, is censorship.  Reading and posting on these boards is VOLUNTARY.  If you do not like what you are reading, the simple solution is to stop reading.  

I am not a fan of the profanity spewed on many of the posts.  I have had it spewed specifically my way on a few occasions.  I prefer to make my own choice as to how to receive and/or handle it.  I do not need someone else coming to my rescue, nor would I ever think to go crying to mommy because something offended my sensibilities.  

If a poster is not adult enough to handle themselves, and others, in their own way, then they really have no business on an internet forum.  I have to wonder how they handle themselves on a day to day basis out in the real world.  And, the last thing I want or need is to have a KG use their ESP or moral compass decide for me what I can and cannot handle on an internet forum.

@KnotPorscha, I hate to beat a dead horse....but would this not best be served by the reinstatement of mods?  Or have the secret police failed in their appointed duties?

Kerigirl9

AddieL73 said:

Kerigirl9 said:

If you ask me there has to be some way for items to be removed or closed if the OP would like to stop receiving feedback. I, for one, know that the first time I posted something I was not prepared for the "honest" responses i received. I'm sorry, but some of you ladies are unnecessarily mean to new posters...., it nearly drove me straight out of here. The fact is that most of you sure do know your etiquette (I would challenge anyone to say otherwise) but I can see where new poster might start to panic when receiving these "helpful, honest and unbiased" responses and want to put a stop to it. Since there is no way to delete a thread in your own, and changing the name to try to stop responses is met with ridicule (I know this as when I tried to delete my first thread someone gleefully pointed out how it had already been quoted in its entirety so there was no use trying to "hide"). I can see the poster's point here.

What do you do in real life when you hear things you don't want to hear? Ask someone to make the people stop talking to you?  Are posters going to make this request EVERY time they don't like the responses they get?  If they are unhappy with the way people respond, nobody is forcing them to stay here. There are other websites they can go to if they prefer the atmosphere there. It's no different than going anywhere in the world. If you don't like the place, don't go back. If users really feel that upset over the feedback and yet still want to stick around but are embarrassed to do so or whatever, just make a new screen name and start over. 

ETA: Also, there are several regs here who had a rough start, but they took their licks, didn't go crying about it, and stuck around and became valued and welcome members of this community b/c people respect that they didn't act like babies when they got flamed. 

So being "flamed" is a rite of passage? I took my licks so now I am entitled to dole them out to others? Sorry, don't agree with that philosophy.

MobKaz

Kerigirl9 said:

AddieL73 said:

Kerigirl9 said:

If you ask me there has to be some way for items to be removed or closed if the OP would like to stop receiving feedback. I, for one, know that the first time I posted something I was not prepared for the "honest" responses i received. I'm sorry, but some of you ladies are unnecessarily mean to new posters...., it nearly drove me straight out of here. The fact is that most of you sure do know your etiquette (I would challenge anyone to say otherwise) but I can see where new poster might start to panic when receiving these "helpful, honest and unbiased" responses and want to put a stop to it. Since there is no way to delete a thread in your own, and changing the name to try to stop responses is met with ridicule (I know this as when I tried to delete my first thread someone gleefully pointed out how it had already been quoted in its entirety so there was no use trying to "hide"). I can see the poster's point here.

What do you do in real life when you hear things you don't want to hear? Ask someone to make the people stop talking to you?  Are posters going to make this request EVERY time they don't like the responses they get?  If they are unhappy with the way people respond, nobody is forcing them to stay here. There are other websites they can go to if they prefer the atmosphere there. It's no different than going anywhere in the world. If you don't like the place, don't go back. If users really feel that upset over the feedback and yet still want to stick around but are embarrassed to do so or whatever, just make a new screen name and start over. 

ETA: Also, there are several regs here who had a rough start, but they took their licks, didn't go crying about it, and stuck around and became valued and welcome members of this community b/c people respect that they didn't act like babies when they got flamed. 

So being "flamed" is a rite of passage? I took my licks so now I am entitled to dole them out to others? Sorry, don't agree with that philosophy.

If the OP wants to stop receiving feedback, the simplest solution is to stop reading the thread. There is also an "ignore" button that the poster can implement.  Finally, posters are able to message anyone privately if they want their communications to be private or restricted.  

Lurking is what helps posters 'prepare" for the diversity in responders.  Have you never read an online article?  The conclusion of any internet publication is filled with comments and responses that vary in content from insanely offensive to intelligent contribution.  Unless the comment violates that publishers TOS, the comments remain.  It is up to the reader to choose how they filter what they read.  Censorship does not belong on an internet forum.  Personal responsibility does.

AddieCake

It's not about "entitlements" or doling them out if you got them. You're missing the point.