Basically, my dad is a jerk.

msmelodypond

So, I've had a bunch of issues with my dad stretching WAY before I even thought about getting married, but since the wedding planning kicked up he's been a total a**. He and my mom are going through a nasty divorce, and he has decided that he's not coming to my wedding and doesn't want to be involved with it in any way. 
My fiance's parents, though they get along well with my mom, have never met my dad, and they don't really understand why. So today, my future MIL asked me to invite my father out to dinner with them and my fiance and I sometime soon (since they're moving out of town next month and won't be back until the wedding in October). 

I tried broaching the subject with my dad, and he flipped out at me. He said that he had no interest in meeting them, and that I was wasting my time trying to include him in any wedding things because "my marriage was doomed to fail just like his did." I admit that I lost my temper and called him selfish, and then he said both my mother and I could go to hell. 

At this point, I don't even care; I don't want him involved in my life in any way and I'm glad that he doesn't want to come because he would just make a scene. But the problem is, my future in-laws just do NOT understand this situation I'm in with my dad. They are genuinely nice people who would never say or think anything bad about anyone, and I don't know what to tell them. My dad is not a good person. I accepted that a long time ago, but I don't know how to get that point across to them.

Any tips? 

VarunaTT

Don't slam your father, even though he might deserve it, to the in-laws.  Just say that he's refused the invitation, apologies and change the subject.  Repeat as necessary.  They don't need to know all of your family's history or have an intimate understanding of your father.

ReturnOfKuus

You could just say he's not involved in your life right now and leave it at that.  They don't have to "understand" or approve or even know all that goes into that.

msmelodypond

The thing about my MIL is that she's very persistent. I already explained to her that he and I aren't on good terms and she insisted that I ask him anyway- so I did, leading to a big fight that left me and tears for hours. 

HisGirlFriday13

My parents didn't meet DH's parents until our wedding day. My mom asked me, once, very early after we had gotten engaged, about meeting DH's parents.

The truth is that DH's parents are abusive, alcoholic, drug-addicted, un-medicated assholes who spent his childhood using him as a punching bag, and so he has nothing to do with them. They came to our wedding only because it was in a church and we couldn't legally bar them from entering it.

I told my mom, at first, an abridged version of the truth -- that DH doesn't have a relationship with his parents and that therefore, my parents wouldn't be meeting them.

I later told my parents, privately, the full version, but only AFTER DH's parents demanded the right to attend "their oldest son's first wedding." Thank you, assholes, for that.

My parents met DH's grandmother, who essentially raised him, and have met his aunt, too, whom he does have a relationship with (his father's sister).

I think your FI should tell his parents some version of the truth -- emphasizing that it's your DAD'S issues that are preventing this and it's nothing to do with them. My parents, until I explained things, were afraid DH's parents didn't want to meet them and were offended. Once I explained the situation, they were fine with everything.

dharmabunny

msmelodypond said:

The thing about my MIL is that she's very persistent. I already explained to her that he and I aren't on good terms and she insisted that I ask him anyway- so I did, leading to a big fight that left me and tears for hours. 

So outpersist. No deets or justifications needed for things between you and your father needed. If you need to get a bit more blunt or curt (like an active shutdown instead of simple avoidance) then maybe it's what you need to do.

VarunaTT

You'd better get trained right now, to deal with a persistent MIL that you have to shut down.  If you have to say, "I'm not discussing this any further", say it.

Wzz

her persistance isn't going to make your dad want to be involved. i agree with kuus and dharma. there isn't any reason you need to over explain the situation to her.

JCbride2015

Ditto PPs on how to deal with MIL.

Solidarity on the dad thing.  It got better for me.  I had a lot of issues with my dad, stretching pretty far back just like you.  Dad has substance addictions and was missing/high/angry for a lot of my childhood.

Dad once told me I should never get married, because marriage is pointless and only a construct of the government.  And I should also never have kids, because the world will soon end in nuclear destruction.  I wish I were kidding.

Dad got married again in 2009 to a wonderful woman, and he recently sounded the tiniest bit happy when I mentioned Fi and I having kids in the next few years.  As far as I can tell, he isn't using and hasn't for the past few years.  So there's hope.  But your dad will need to straighten out his own issues first.

HisGirlFriday13

VarunaTT said:

You'd better get trained right now, to deal with a persistent MIL that you have to shut down.  If you have to say, "I'm not discussing this any further", say it.

This. A million times this. You need to set boundaries and those boundaries need to include saying, 'FMIL, the subject is closed. I will not discuss it further and do NOT bring it up again. Ever.'

'No' is not a four-letter word.

AddieCake

Just b/c she insisted doesn't mean you had to do it. You know your father's feelings about all of this. Don't indulge your MIL and create drama for yourself. 

jacobsgorgeous

msmelodypond said:

The thing about my MIL is that she's very persistent. I already explained to her that he and I aren't on good terms and she insisted that I ask him anyway- so I did, leading to a big fight that left me and tears for hours. 

Tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Closing the topic will make her feel like your shutting her out. Yes barriers must be set, but she's not trying to control you or the wedding. She wants to know you and understand your background better by meeting your dad. Tell her about the talk and how he made you feel and ask her to at least fake understanding and accept your decision as an adult. If she brings it up again, remind her that you've already discussed it and that nothing has changed since.

HisGirlFriday13

jacobsgorgeous said:

msmelodypond said:

The thing about my MIL is that she's very persistent. I already explained to her that he and I aren't on good terms and she insisted that I ask him anyway- so I did, leading to a big fight that left me and tears for hours. 

Tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Closing the topic will make her feel like your shutting her out. Yes barriers must be set, but she's not trying to control you or the wedding. She wants to know you and understand your background better by meeting your dad. Tell her about the talk and how he made you feel and ask her to at least fake understanding and accept your decision as an adult. If she brings it up again, remind her that you've already discussed it and that nothing has changed since.

No. This is not necessary. If OP doesn't want to delve into this with her FMIL, then it's her right not to. Just because FMIL wants to know something doesn't mean OP has to tell her anything.

People get to set the boundaries they're comfortable wirh. Other people don't get to set those boundaries for you.

kerbohl

I say tell her what you feel comfortable with.  If that is only that he refused the invitation, then that is that.  If she is persistent, what more do you need to say?  He didn't want to come, and that is all that she really needs to know.
My parents have never met my FFIL.  They have not persisted, and there was no need to tell them anything about it.  Sometimes parents are just a little too intrusive on such things, and it is perfectly all right to only tell them what you feel they should know.