Invite wording mentioning parents but not "daughter" or "son"

CrazyCatLady3

OK, so fiance and I will both be 34 when we get married.  I don't feel comfortable with invite wording stating "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter, Sally Smith, to...."

To me it evokes marrying off a young girl.  I didn't want to put parent names at all on the invites at all but my mom got all offended and she is contributing a generous amount to the wedding, so I'm not going to die on that hill.  Does this wording sound weird instead?  Since I have the same last name as my parents I'm presuming it will be obvious that I'm their daughter without having to use the actual word "daughter."

(Btw I also don't like subsuming my mom's name under my father's first name, so want to put both of their first names).

Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of

Sally Smith

to

Michael Jones

[date, time, place]

My fiance's parents are not contributing or hosting, so I was going to leave them off. 

CrazyCatLady3

Also, should it be "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith" or "Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith"?

southernbelle0915

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OK, so fiance and I will both be 34 when we get married.  I don't feel comfortable with invite wording stating "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter, Sally Smith, to...."

To me it evokes marrying off a young girl.  I didn't want to put parent names at all on the invites at all but my mom got all offended and she is contributing a generous amount to the wedding, so I'm not going to die on that hill.  Does this wording sound weird instead?  Since I have the same last name as my parents I'm presuming it will be obvious that I'm their daughter without having to use the actual word.

(Btw I also don't like subsuming my mom's name under my father's first name, so want to put both of their first names).

Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of

Sally Smith yourmiddlename

to

Michael hismiddlename Jones

[date, time, place]

My fiance's parents are not contributing or hosting, so I was going to leave them off. 

To answer your second question, technically a man isn't supposed to be separated from his name - hence the Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. That's why it's dicey to put Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith. Because "and Jane" separates him from his last name. You also don't satisfy the rule with Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith because.. yea. I have seen Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith to get around this. 

Personally, this traditional/formal way of addressing couples makes the feminist in me barf. I'm pretty sure we addressed all of ours Mr. and Mrs. Smith to avoid it. I realize it wasn't very formal, but it didn't break any etiquette rules so I didn't really care.

CrazyCatLady3

southernbelle0915 said:

CrazyCatLady3 said:

OK, so fiance and I will both be 34 when we get married.  I don't feel comfortable with invite wording stating "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter, Sally Smith, to...."

To me it evokes marrying off a young girl.  I didn't want to put parent names at all on the invites at all but my mom got all offended and she is contributing a generous amount to the wedding, so I'm not going to die on that hill.  Does this wording sound weird instead?  Since I have the same last name as my parents I'm presuming it will be obvious that I'm their daughter without having to use the actual word.

(Btw I also don't like subsuming my mom's name under my father's first name, so want to put both of their first names).

Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of

Sally Smith yourmiddlename

to

Michael hismiddlename Jones

[date, time, place]

My fiance's parents are not contributing or hosting, so I was going to leave them off. 

To answer your second question, technically a man isn't supposed to be separated from his name - hence the Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. That's why it's dicey to put Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith. Because "and Jane" separates him from his last name. You also don't satisfy the rule with Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith because.. yea. I have seen Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith to get around this. 

Personally, this traditional/formal way of addressing couples makes the feminist in me barf. I'm pretty sure we addressed all of ours Mr. and Mrs. Smith to avoid it. I realize it wasn't very formal, but it didn't break any etiquette rules so I didn't really care.

It makes me want to barf too, which is why I'm trying to avoid it.    I'm clear on the "Mr and Mrs" issue now, but shouldn't I keep my last name in there since I am not saying that they are inviting people to the wedding of "their daughter"?

Jen4948

Who is paying for your wedding is not something your guests need to know.  Are any of your parents going to greet guests and look after their needs?  If so, that makes them hosts and they should be listed as such.  But honestly, "their daughter" just makes them sound like parents, not like you are an immature girl.

I would not use Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith.  The woman comes first unless you are using Mr. and Mrs., in which case it is properly "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith."  If your parents have different last names, you would use "Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith" on one line if they are married and they fit, "Ms. Jane Doe/and/Mr. John Smith" if they are married and the names don't fit on one line, or "Ms. Jane Doe/Mr. John Smith" on separate lines if they are not married to each other.

CrazyCatLady3

I agree that guests shouldn't need to know who's paying, but my mom isn't buying that argument.

As for "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," I don't care that it's technically proper, societal change for the good needs people to buck traditions.

Jen4948

CrazyCatLady3 said:

I agree that guests shouldn't need to know who's paying, but my mom isn't buying that argument.

As for "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," I don't care that it's technically proper, societal change for the good needs people to buck traditions.

Not always.  It hasn't come up with a good change for this one.

CrazyCatLady3

But why can't a man be "separated from his name" but a woman can?  What difference does it make?

Jen4948

CrazyCatLady3 said:

But why can't a man be "separated from his name" but a woman can?  What difference does it make?

It's aesthetic.  It just doesn't sound right.  Maybe one day the English language will come up with something better, or "Mrs." will go away.  Until then, it's still "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith," regardless of how out of date or sexist it sounds.

SKPM

I won't lie; a small piece of the reason I didn't change my name at all when I married is so that I would still be addressed by both my first and last name without the "Mr. and Mrs. His Name" verbiage.

CrazyCatLady3

Yeah, while the traditional may be aesthetically pleasing to some, to me it just makes me cringe, so I am going to modern route.

Jen4948

Just to clarify: I myself don't like the "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" wording either; it's just that the Mr. and Mrs. format doesn't really have any pleasant-sounding alternatives.  If someone comes up with one (maybe all women just need to keep their own last names and not use Mrs.), that would be great.

CrystaH11

Why would you use the bride's first and middle name without the last name on the invite?

CrazyCatLady3

 

CrystaH11 said:

Why would you use the bride's first and middle name without the last name on the invite?

Some people do that when the bride's parents' names are listed first because it's assumed that she has the same last name as her parents.  I am not doing it this way.

melbenso

My FI and I are also in our mid-thirties, his father passed away a few years ago, and his mother recently remarried.  (We are paying for the majority of the wedding, but each of our families is helping with certain things.)  We decided to go with:

Together with their families
Melissa Anne Smith
and
Michael James Jones ...

My parents and his mom also preferred that word choice.

Also, I've never been crazy about the Mr. and Mrs. Bob Smith thing (and my mom would have hated that).  And I'm not changing my name either, but that's just because it's always been my name and I like it.  My FI didn't care at all.  We talked about hyphenating both of our names, but our last names are so similar (both 6 letter names ending in -son), it just sounded weird when we did it.

emmyg65

I know it won't work for you, but we did "Together with their families." My mom also wanted a few announcements to send to her cousins. They said:

John and Jane Doe

are proud to announce the marriage of their daughter

First Last 

and

Groom Last

On date blah blah blah

So I just skipped the "Mr. and Mrs." business all together. Also, I put my last name on the announcements because I didn't change it.

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

You are their daughter. It's just a simple fact. I guess I'm not seeing the problem there or some weird meaning. People know you aren't 15.

Sometimes couples, especially older ones, prefer not to use traditional language because the connotations are that they are immature kids marrying out of their parents' homes, even if that's not the case in reality.  They'd just rather have language that reflects their real situation.

I've lived away from my parents for 18 years, and the last 15 of those have been spent in a city 1600 miles from where they live, so I'd rather not even list them on my wedding invitation-even if it hurts their feelings-because they will not be performing the functions of hosts at my wedding.

CrazyCatLady3

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

You are their daughter. It's just a simple fact. I guess I'm not seeing the problem there or some weird meaning. People know you aren't 15.

Sometimes couples, especially older ones, prefer not to use traditional language because the connotations are that they are immature kids marrying out of their parents' homes, even if that's not the case in reality.  They'd just rather have language that reflects their real situation.

This.

princessleia22

I'm the same way.  I'm mid-thirties, FI is 40's.  I live 2000 miles from my parents and have for many years.  We are paying for the wedding ourselves.  We are handling & hosting everything ourselves.  So, it just didn't seem right to say that my parents are announcing the marriage.  I didn't even think to ask them, really.  We just put "you are invited to the marriage of bride & groom".

peggerzz

i will be 33 when i get married in feb.  people know exactly how old i am and that my parents helped pay for the wedding. weddings are just so expensive these days.  it doesn't make you sound like a young girl.  regardless how old you are you are still their daughter, that doesn't change.

i would say let mom have this one, there are plenty of other ways to show who you are that day.

Jen4948

peggerzz said:

i will be 33 when i get married in feb.  people know exactly how old i am and that my parents helped pay for the wedding. weddings are just so expensive these days.  it doesn't make you sound like a young girl.  regardless how old you are you are still their daughter, that doesn't change.

i would say let mom have this one, there are plenty of other ways to show who you are that day.

Parents are not the hosts by default; nor is the purpose of the invitation to "honor" the parents.  So I would not let mom have this one by default.  If she's not paying, she shouldn't be listed as the host.

CMGragain

Here are two options:

Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name
Day, date
time
Venue
Address
City, State

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
(etc)

I don't really understand your objection to being named as your mother's daughter.  I am 63, and I am still the daughter of my late mother.  I introduced myself that way at her funeral in October.  There is nothing young or girlish about me!