Inviting your future in-laws...UGH!

Kate61487

ipilya said:

Alright, so here's a dilemma I've been battling for 4 and a half years now.

My boyfriend and I have been together for that long, at the start of the relationship, I was moved in with him and his mother. Here is where I learned of her ugliness. She lies and manipulates to get her way, even with her own family. We found evidence of her stealing her other sons ssn to open credit cards, etc, etc. She has always been saying rude things about me to other people, we've seen her emails that have been forwarded to us through other people. The WORST case of this was getting emails from his best friends wife. My boyfriend was the best man, and unfortunately I could not make the wedding due to them getting married on an important day for my work place ( april 19th, customer appreciation day at subway, remember that! lol)

Anyway, I guess when my boyfriends mother, Sue, found out, she was VERY happy. So happy, she sent emails back and forth with the bride to be asking her to try to set him up with one of the other bridesmaids, or something. "ANYONE is better than her!" she said.  Like, Sue has never liked me, always talking about me behind my back, quite loudly, on the phone (lol, I can hear you geeze >_<). And I think I know why....whenever she would come home, she would always, like CLOCKWORK, yell for my boyfriend to do some form of labor, somewhere, somehow. I told him that's not normal, it's demanding, and he caught on, and started to tell her off a bit about it. You know, like: "Mom, I'm busy, I'll do it later." or "can't you do it yourself?" I think she was po'd that I'm taking away her slave.

So that was his mom, now let's tell you about his dad, Tom. Sue and Tom are divorced. So Tom is a manic depressive, bipolar mess. I'm sorry, but he is. So a while ago, he told us that we could stay in his house and have it signed into TJ's name since he's going to get gov't assisted housing, he doesn't work. Three months later now, he's still here. So my damage is, we now pay for everything, house insurance, water, taxes, electric, cable, tv, internet, our car insurance, our cell phones, our credit cards, we even pay for HIS health insurance. Everything, he pays for nothing. He TOLD us he would let us use some of his food stamps for repayment, never happened. He disappears for weeks with different "girlfriends" and comes back, goes into his room, says nothing to us, and uses our stuff. Watches TV, uses the internet, etc etc, etc. He's using us, but my boyfriend doesn't see this, all he sees is that it took away our rent. What I see is connecting to a story he gave us shortly before. He told us that his current live in girlfriend wanted to foster a child, and he wasn't flying with that, so he kicked her out. So who was paying for all these amenities? No one, he doesn't pay for anything! So, with no one to pay for his crap, he invited us in, now we're doing it, he gets a free ride. That's what I see.

Now that youv'e got the two parents, there is his brother. His mother, Sue, had my boyfriend with some other guy, a love child. The other son, sean was through the above mentioned father, sean is blood, that's what I think this is. So I have Sean on my facebook account, and all the time I see my boyfriends dad spamming him w/ messages, but never anything on my boyfriends account, as well as sean's girlfriends account. What you need to remember here is that me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 5 years now, these two have been together, just over a year, and I see comments like this about their anniversary from the dad: " The only thing missing is white dress, tux and two gold bands." and "Sean is the best son ever,and Marisa is the best girlfriend ever,and they are the best couple ever, that is the best Christmas Decorations ever, that is the best looking house ever, and may you both have the best live together forever." Like you have another son, you know?

Not EVER has he EVER praised either me OR my boyfriend. You know, the son he's is getting EVERYTHING from. What the..? and the mother also spams how she wants them to get married all the time as well. The two of them are like obsessed with Sean and his girlfriend of one year, yet they ignore their eldest son and his girlfriend of over four years now, take our money, and treat me like junk.

So there's the whole she-bang! So MY issue is....I have no desire, because of the mistreatment from the two of them, to invite them to our wedding. I feel like neither of the two have ever been supportive of the two of us, since they have no issue showing support for the other son, obviously they have a problem with it. Why should I have them there? They'll only make me angry. Whenever I look at them, I get angry, knowing they're saying horrid things about me in their heads, probably wishing for a break up, and at the wedding, a divorce! Why would I want that negativity? But my boyfriend just doesn't see any of this! I mean he doesn't care for his mother very much, but is still nice to her face, of course, but he like LOVES his dad, and every time I say you know, he ignores you, he says no, he doesn't! But I say why then does he have pictures of sean all over his bedroom, none of you? Why does he never say anything to us on any of our previous 4 anniversaries, but has jumped all over their first year? He brushes it off, like it's okay. It's not okay to me. We pay for all your stuff, your health insurance, etc etc, and you can't even wish us happy anniversary, or anything? I DON'T WANT THEM THERE.


But I know my boyfriend will want to, just to have them happy. How, knowing all of this, going through all of this, can I put up with that? Please, please help.

1)  I'm all for responsible grown up adults asserting themselves and cutting the apron strings; but y'all are straight up mooching off her.  It's totally her prerogative to make him do "slave labor" for living in her house for free.  

2) Pot, meet kettle.  You're all about living for free at his mom's without even having chores, but his dad GAVE HIM A HOUSE and you're going to complain about the fact that he doesn't help pay for stuff when by your own admission he's not even there most of the time?

3) What wedding?  Are you engaged?  If not, there's no need to worry about this.  If yes, then he's your fiance, not your boyfriend.

4) This is not a wedding issue it's a broader life issue.  If his family is disrespecting you then you two need to talk about that like adults.  Either he needs to recognize the poor behavior of his family and back you up and make it clear to them that you are the one he's chosen and if they don't like it they can get out of your lives; or you need to decide if you can live forever with their treatment.  If he wants them at the wedding (if the wedding actually happens) they should be invited.

**ETA** This was written off the first post only - going back to read responses now

Kate61487

Just finished reading the thread - the girls gave some great advice with the additional info you provided.  Wishing you the best; I'm sure this will be difficult but it will really be best for you in the long run to step away from this toxic relationship.  He's got some growing up to do and you do not need to be along for the ride.  *internet hugs*

newenglandgal0802

Jennja22 said:

Also, not trying to be the fraud police, but your boyfriend's dad "signing the house into your boyfriend's name" so he can get government housing is wrong.  As is sharing/selling food stamps.  As a taxpayer, I hate to see my tax dollars being wasted on situations like this.    

T.H.I.S. I don't know why this didn't cross my mind before. Now I'm even more annoyed with this nonsense.

delujm0

First of all, have you ever seen tax-subsodized housing for the elderly?  It is TERRIBLE and an absolute worst case scenario.  You want his father, who he clearly loves, so give you his house for free so he can move into a $hit-hole?  No wonder his family doesn't like you, you're an entitled brat.

 

Also, FYI, the government would do a background check on him, realize that he had made this transfer for less than fair value to a family member, and figure it into his income anyway, so he likely wouldn't even qualify for government housing.  I am familiar with the compliance procedures required of housing authorities/government housing agencies because i used to audit them.

 

I understand that everyone falls on hard times.  But he is 28 years old and he didn't just move back in with his parents when he lost his job - he's never lived without them, and this isn't a temporary "until i find a job" situation.  He plans to live with his father indefinitely.  Red flag.  I lost my job when i was 28 for 6 months.  I used my "rainy day" savings and unemployment to pay for my half of our living expenses (FI could have easily supported me at that time, but I thought that was unfair, and i wanted to continue to pay my own way).  My parents gave me $0 during that time.  They offered money and i refused it.  Because i'm an adult.  Your BF is not.

 

It sounds like you are only in this relationship because you don't want to "waste" 5 years and you possibly can't afford to live on your own.  Those are terrible reasons to be in a relationship, especially for someone so young.  You could meet someone else and be married to them before this guy comes around.  I don't know how he's "saving for a ring" when he's unemployed and can't even afford his own apartment; if you really wanted to marry him you'd just go down to the JOP and do it without a ring.  A ring isn't necessary.  Again, you sound selfish and entitled.

 

Expecting your BF to cut off his parents is insane.  So you can either deal with them forever, or get out of this mess, move in with your parents for a few months to figure out what you want to do, and then move on with your life.  If you stay in this relationship, you have no one to blame but yourself.  And wouldn't you rather wind up single at 25 than 35?  Because it sounds like this guy will drag this out as long as you let him.  Best to get out now.

hoffse

OP I'm glad you're getting out.  Though the whole "Love is everything and money doesn't matter" argument just doesn't fly with me.  Most marriage that end in divorce can be traced back to financial issues.  So I think it does matter - a lot, actually.

But that said, you aren't happy there.  So it's best to leave.

HaileyDancingbear

ipilya said:

AddieL73 said:

If you have nowhere else to go, then, yes, I believe you should move back with your parents. And if your boyfriend "won't follow [you] elsewhere," that's kind of a red flag for me as well. I'm not saying you guys must live wherever works for only you and he gets no say, but it seems like if you can't make it work where you currently are, then he should at least be open to discussing a move where you could be more successful. 

ETA: My husband gave up his job and his friends and his life and moved from VA to TX to be with me before we were engaged. I never pressured him to; it was his choice. We spent 2 years together there, and he was miserable. Seeing how miserable he was, I suggested we move to VA where he had been living a much happier life, and that's what we did soon after our wedding. 

He never once asked me to do that. I did it b/c I could see he couldn't be happy in TX. I love our life here, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself and for us. Marriage is all about compromise, and he should at least be open to discussing a potential move if need be. 

That's awesome, I wish it was that doable for us. I just feel trapped at this point. Part of me just doesn't want to break down and go back with my parents, we'd been doing so well on our own for so long. But at this point, with my one income and his meager unemployment check, that just wouldn't happen. So yeah, you're right, at least at my parents I'd be happy and I could focus on myself, I guess. Maybe then I'd realize just how unhappy I was and could break it off...just so hard to think about, you know? Four and a half years is a long time to be with someone...just to not be there anymore...it's like he died....

ETA: Just noticed I was only on the second page, scrolled forward, and noticed you already decided to end it.  Changed the whole comment

Don't call those five years "Wasted."  If those five years pushed you to the point where you decided to define what you want from your life and leave a toxic situation, that time was not "Wasted."  That time taught you to go after what you want, and it sure as hell taught you what you don't want, and why you don't want it.  

Now make up for all that crappiness by having the best damn life you can.

clg1213

Stay strong and committed to your decision to leave.  It sounds like the best choice for your future and your happiness, even if it is hard right now. 

When my marriage ended, I felt like I'd wasted so much time too...8 years total...I'd gotten together with him right after finishing grad school so very different in some ways, but it was similar in that it really had been all I knew as an "adult".  But I learned from that relationship.  In some ways, I don't know if I'd be in my wonderfully happy relationship now without some of those lessons.   

Stay strong.  Rely on those who love you to help you get through this time.  Don't back down on your decision.  Print out the thread to help give you the kick in the butt you might need at hard moments.  You WILL survive.  And after some time passes and you spend time getting to know yourself a bit more, you will meet some lovely man who values you and who acts like the adult man worthy of being your life partner.

vt&dt

OP, I just read this thread this morning and have to echo what some PPs have said.  Good for you for making the decision to get out now.

It's going to be rough at first - don't back down.  I hope you are excited about being independent - for a while, I lived by myself in a teeny one-bedroom apartment, and getting to be completely on my own was so good for me.  I think it will be very good for you, too.  My one piece of advice is that whenever you talk to your BF, make it a last conversation (at least for a long time).  It'll be easier to focus on yourself and moving on without talking to him. 

You can do this - and it's going to be tough, but I bet even a few months after you leave and get on your own two feet independently, you'll be through it and be in a much better place in so many ways.