Should we still send a gift?

RebeccaB88

Even if I said I probably couldn't attend, I'd still expect the invitation if I was originally on the guest list. I don't see it as gift grabby, that's ridiculous. No one is required to send a gift, whether they receive an invitation or not. The bride and groom in this situation were rude to not send the intended invitation, after they were informed you might not be able to attend. In my mind, that was a verbal save the date, and that means an invitation is forthcoming. Plans can change, maybe you would have been able to go after all, but the lack of invitation sent the message that you weren't welcome anymore. That, to me, is appallingly rude. Under these circumstances, I would not send a gift and I wouldn't think anything of it.

radleyboo

RebeccaB88 said:

Even if I said I probably couldn't attend, I'd still expect the invitation if I was originally on the guest list. I don't see it as gift grabby, that's ridiculous. No one is required to send a gift, whether they receive an invitation or not. The bride and groom in this situation were rude to not send the intended invitation, after they were informed you might not be able to attend. In my mind, that was a verbal save the date, and that means an invitation is forthcoming. Plans can change, maybe you would have been able to go after all, but the lack of invitation sent the message that you weren't welcome anymore. That, to me, is appallingly rude. Under these circumstances, I would not send a gift and I wouldn't think anything of it.

That was the thing...  I never said 'no' for certain because our kickoff meeting dates weren't solid until mid November.  Oh well.

Inkdancer

I wouldn't send a gift. But not because of not getting an invitation... if you aren't very close to this cousin, send a nice card congratulating the new couple and leave it at that.

Kenyayyy

I wouldn't send a gift. 

heathertims

I would only send a gift in the instance your mother said you were sending one. Otherwise I would just send a nice card.

They probably thought they were just making it easier for you. We all know what it's like chasing down RSVPs from people. If someone had told me they couldn't come, I might not send an invite either. More hassle for them, and for me.

chiualover

ktjanesmom said:

I dont understand the concept of sending an invitation to someone that you know will not attend.  It just seems gift grabby to me.  Perhaps that is why they didnt send one.  I wouldnt feel obligated to send a gift.

Yep, this is what I'm thinking.

Lily9911

No invitation, no gift. 

courtneythesquid

I would say it depends on exactly what language was used in the conversation with your cousin ("she may not be able to come because of work" vs. "don't bother inviting her because she can't come.")  Unfortunately, since your Mom had this conversation, it's hard to know exactly what was said.  Your cousin may have thought he was honoring your request, or he may have just been slightly clueless.  I can see the point about worrying that it would seem gift grabby.  I invited some people who I was 95% sure would not be able to attend (but would have loved to have had if they could make it,) and I got a few snarky remarks about how I shouldn't have expected them to come.  Sometimes you can't win.

I must confess that I am also guilty of doing the verbal invite, then not sending an invitation thing... but this was because one person literally sent me a Facebook message that he was on a bus to San Diego to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, and therefore would not be able to attend my wedding.  So it's not like he was going to be home to receive the invite/ RSVP/ etc.

Regarding the gift, of course there is no obligation, but if you had been planning to send one, I would go ahead.  When in doubt, err on the side of kindness.

NYCBruin

radleyboo said:

RebeccaB88 said:

Even if I said I probably couldn't attend, I'd still expect the invitation if I was originally on the guest list. I don't see it as gift grabby, that's ridiculous. No one is required to send a gift, whether they receive an invitation or not. The bride and groom in this situation were rude to not send the intended invitation, after they were informed you might not be able to attend. In my mind, that was a verbal save the date, and that means an invitation is forthcoming. Plans can change, maybe you would have been able to go after all, but the lack of invitation sent the message that you weren't welcome anymore. That, to me, is appallingly rude. Under these circumstances, I would not send a gift and I wouldn't think anything of it.

That was the thing...  I never said 'no' for certain because our kickoff meeting dates weren't solid until mid November.  Oh well.


Yup. This is why you should always send an invitation even if you "know" that someone can't make it. In your case, the meeting date could have changed, you could have gotten a new job that didn't require you to go or the meeting may have been cancelled. Plans change all the time.

You should always send an invitation even if someone said they can't make it for the same reason you shouldn't ask people to RSVP too early: plans change!