Just Engaged and Proposals

Been engaged less than a month. Haven't been able to enjoy it much at all. PLEASE HELP

natmullnatmull member
10 Comments Second Anniversary
edited December 2013 in Just Engaged and Proposals
My fiance proposed on Nov 16th. When he proposed, I was feeling nauseous and was telling him that I was going to head to bathroom because I didn't feel well. Right after I told him that, he proposed. After I said yes, I had to run to the restroom where I was sick. I feel like this engagement was just bad from the start. We had been together for 6 years before getting engaged and it felt very rushed, forced, and not all that romantic. Now that we are home, (we have lived together for 3 years) have been engaged for the past 3 weeks, and have started trying to plan the wedding, it has been nothing but arguing and tears (on my part). I thought being engaged was supposed to be such a blissful feeling where everything was supposed to be right with the world. We were actually happier before we got engaged, it seems. I'm just wondering if I'm not the only person who has experienced this. If wedding planning is going to be like this, how will harder things be when we get married? Like buying a house? Having a baby? Financial issues? I'm just having a terrible time

Re: Been engaged less than a month. Haven't been able to enjoy it much at all. PLEASE HELP

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    What exactly are the two of you arguing about?

    As far as the proposal, so it didn't go the way you had envisioned, so what.  Try to remember whether super romantic or not he asked you to marry him.  You are engaged.  Focus on the positive not the negative.  Years down the road you will most likely look back on your proposal and laugh and joke that when he proposed you answered by throwing up.

  • Mostly arguing about what to do for a wedding. We always talked about doing something small even before the engagement was made official. Family members are now voicing their opinions and objections to our ideas. In a way, I would like to skip all of the planning and just get married, but he is so worried about disappointing people. It's a constant battle discussing wedding stuff and I hate to bring it up. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Are you paying for the wedding yourselves or are you families contributing? 

    I'm not sure what to say about the engagement. In the long run, it doesn't matter. My FI proposed on top of the rock of Gibraltar, which we were surrounded by the wild apes that live on the rock and lots of their poop. I was also in yoga pants, sneakers and was a sweaty mess. But I didn't give a shit because the man of my dreams was asking me to marry him. That's all that mattered. 

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    natmull said:
    Mostly arguing about what to do for a wedding. We always talked about doing something small even before the engagement was made official. Family members are now voicing their opinions and objections to our ideas. In a way, I would like to skip all of the planning and just get married, but he is so worried about disappointing people. It's a constant battle discussing wedding stuff and I hate to bring it up. 
    No pay, no say. Plan the wedding that you and Fi want to have. Tell your family thanks for their opinions and you will consider them. Then continue on with your planning
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Neither family is going to help pay for the wedding. I'm not even sure what my fiance wants. He seems just as defeated by the aspect of planning a wedding. I just worry we're going to end up breaking off the engagement.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    natmull said:
    Neither family is going to help pay for the wedding. I'm not even sure what my fiance wants. He seems just as defeated by the aspect of planning a wedding. I just worry we're going to end up breaking off the engagement.
    If your families aren't paying, they get no say in what type of wedding you're having. Sit down with your FI tonight and ask him to tell you specifically what he envisions for that day. Then tell him what you want. Hopefully you guys can meet in the middle and compromise. A relationship is all about give and take. 

  • Check out the book "A Practical Wedding." The first few chapters have some good advice for wedding planning. First, sit down together and discuss how you want your wedding to feel. Awesome dance party? Intimate gathering? Romantic? Fun? Then write down your top three priorities for the wedding. Ours were: people (close family and friends), photography, and good food and drink. From there, start thinking about your rough guest list and budget.

    Planning a wedding can be stressful because you have to learn to communicate and compromise, as well as define your new little family (as opposed to your origin families). But it's great practice for your marriage.

    Nothing in life is "supposed" to be anything. Sometimes proposals are big and splashy or heartfelt and romantic. But not always! This is your proposal, and your early engagement, and you get to make of it what you choose. Try to enjoy it!
  • Stop talking to your families and talk to each other instead. If your family tries to through in an opinion, simply state, "Well FI and I were thinking X, but we'll keep that in mind," and then change the subject. Once you've made a decision on something, stand firm and tell them it's not up for discussion. 

    It sounds like you guys aren't remotely communicating with each other and that's the bigger issue here. Sit down and have a chat over your visions and what you want from life. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Just remember that you will never please everyone no matter how hard you try.

    If you and your FI are paying for the wedding then no one else's opinions matter.

  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm not 100% sure what you're going through - so I can tell you what happened with FI and I.

    FI and I are paying for our wedding.  His family wants a large wedding - my family wants a small wedding.  What do we want -- Neither one of us likes being the center of attention and we want to be able to have fun and not have to worry about 'did we greet everybody - how's the food going to turn out - is the music too loud -etc etc etc'.  What we are heavily considering is an all inclusive destination wedding with immediate family only.  If FI's parents insist, we'll have a casual celebration when we get home (I'm talking like backyard BBQ).

    So my advice - sit down with your FI, come up with a budget - after that talk about what you want and what he wants and figure it out from there. 


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    Anniversary
  • OMG So glad you posted!  You are not alone in this at all girl!  

    My fiance and I have been together 6 years as well and I was so misled thinking this would be some incredible experience and I'm in the same boat although l don't see any plans of breaking off the engagement. 

    I am like your FI in that I do care about what other people think whether they are paying or not, I am an admitted people pleaser.  It's exhausting trying to please everyone, I know first hand, but I also know it is not a breakable characteristic.  And if he's anything like me, being told CONSTANTLY to "forget what other people think" by friends, family and complete strangers just isn't realistic for me.  

    I can't give you advice on what to do because I'm trying to figure it out myself, but I can say that what does help me when I start to change my mind on things is going back to the "why's" of what we really wanted in the first place and remembering why it was important that we chose that way in the first place, and only changing my mind for a better reason.  

    If he is shutting down on the wedding planning front, maybe take a small break from wedding planning and talks for another month and agree to talk about it again at a designated date.  That way he won't feel bombarded and you won't feel like you are getting shut out.  

    My solution so far has been contacting my church to see when the soonest possible date that we can get pre-marital counseling is!
  • I know how you feel! I actually got engaged the day before you November 15th and also stressed. Me and my fiance fight sometimes(everyone does) and that's okay! A little fighting is going to happen it shows you love each other and that your only human. You honestly have to quit thinking your enagement was not a fairy tale, no ones is, its not the movie where everything perfect happens! My fiance proposed to me in our living room, I didn't plan on it going that way. I always look at the videos of them doing the dances and him start dancing and me have no idea whats going on but that didn't happen and I still loved how he did it! No ones is how they expect it but its the fact you have someone down on one knee ready to spend his life with you!!! My fiance is no help at all with planning our wedding, but that does not mean he does not care. Most guys just want you to have the perfect wedding day and have it the way you want. Also, its YOUR AND HIS wedding, explain this to your family and don't let them tell you how things should go. Like my mother for example wants the Bride maids dresses to be long, but if i want short then she will have to deal with my decision. Just enjoy your engagement and your fiance and plan your alls dream wedding at your own pace because getting engaged does not mean you must get married right away!

    Goodluck!
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