How should you repond?

MissScouter

My FI and I have been engaged for 6 months and it has been awesome. The only problem I have is that some friends (not my close ones) like to comment rather abrasive things after asking me how the engagement has been going. Some of them are married, others divorced, so I understand aspects of their coldness but sometimes it just irritates me. Comments as sublime as "well I hope you realize you have to wake up next to him every day" or as forthright as "divorce costs more than a wedding, you are sure he is the right one for you?" or "believe me, marriage sucks" or as simply rude as "it won't last". I empathize that some of them have had bad experiences but I don't think that it's entirely fair to make assumptions about another couples relationship. So how do you say "Yes I get that forever means forever otherwise I would not have said yes and thank you I am very happy, he is my best friend, and we want to be married and plan on having a great marriage flaws and all - sorry yours did not work out but don't snub mine"...but with more taste....

southernbelle0915

Those are pretty abrasive. It would depend on my relationship with the person, but my rsponse would range from "oh, that's funny, but really...." to "honestly, can you knock that shit off? It's making this happy time really negative." 

With most people though, I'd simply pretend they didn't say it and change the subject. Rude people will be rude. Be happy and don't let them get to you.

s-aries8990

MissScouter said:

My FI and I have been engaged for 6 months and it has been awesome. The only problem I have is that some friends (not my close ones) like to comment rather abrasive things after asking me how the engagement has been going. Some of them are married, others divorced, so I understand aspects of their coldness but sometimes it just irritates me. Comments as sublime as "well I hope you realize you have to wake up next to him every day" or as forthright as "divorce costs more than a wedding, you are sure he is the right one for you?" or "believe me, marriage sucks" or as simply rude as "it won't last". I empathize that some of them have had bad experiences but I don't think that it's entirely fair to make assumptions about another couples relationship. So how do you say "Yes I get that forever means forever otherwise I would not have said yes and thank you I am very happy, he is my best friend, and we want to be married and plan on having a great marriage flaws and all - sorry yours did not work out but don't snub mine"...but with more taste....

Can you maybe start out with ignoring them, and if necessary, say "oh, well thank you for that bit of advice, but don't worry, I'll come to you if I need any? But did you hear Britney Spear's new single?" It is NOT at all fair to make assumptions about other people's relationships.

If they keep at it, I'd start to get more sarcastic: "Oh, really? Because that's not something I ever would have thought to think about in a million years, thank you! Have you ever tried my home made vodka sauce? It's amazing!" OR "Ok, my relationship sensi, you know all... Let's catch up on Sleepy Hollow."

OR if they still persist and/or you don't speak "sarcastic,"  I'd be honest and say something like "I'm sorry that you've had/have a less than stellar experience with marriage, and I sure hope you are coming from a place of love, but when you say those things about my relationship, I lose respect for you."



SIDE NOTE: Do you think that some of these friends may potentially be seeing red flags that you are too "in love" to see?

JCbride2015

Wow, those are hurtful comments.  As PP said, this depends on your relationship.  Since you said these are not close friends, I think the best thing to do is just bean dip them.  And make a mental note these are not people you want to make closer.

My dad is very pessimistic and has told me some similar comments.  He has said he's afraid I will be "bored" with Fi eventually; having kids is pointless because the world is such a terrible place; etc.  I told him, "I know what I'm doing when making this decision.  This is what I want.  I love Fi and he makes me happy."  With closer people (like my dad), it might be worth engaging the conversation and talking about it with them.  But acquaintances like you're describing?  Wow, that bean dip looks really good.  Where'd you get the recipe?  And then... don't invite them to your wedding.

[Deleted User]

I wouldn't be putting up with the abrasive comments from these people that ask how the engagement's going. For every person that made a rude comment I would refrain from sharing any details or opinions on anything. If they ask, just say "Fine. Have you tried this bean dip?" and move on. If they push just say, "Honestly, I'm not interested in letting you vent your frustrations and bitterness about your failed marriage on me. Until you can keep your pessimistic opinions and feelings to yourself I don't care to talk to you about this wonderful time in my life." and walk away. I think that's the nicest way I could think of putting it.

hlvonb

MissScouter said:

My FI and I have been engaged for 6 months and it has been awesome. The only problem I have is that some friends (not my close ones) like to comment rather abrasive things after asking me how the engagement has been going. Some of them are married, others divorced, so I understand aspects of their coldness but sometimes it just irritates me. Comments as sublime as "well I hope you realize you have to wake up next to him every day" or as forthright as "divorce costs more than a wedding, you are sure he is the right one for you?" or "believe me, marriage sucks" or as simply rude as "it won't last". I empathize that some of them have had bad experiences but I don't think that it's entirely fair to make assumptions about another couples relationship. So how do you say "Yes I get that forever means forever otherwise I would not have said yes and thank you I am very happy, he is my best friend, and we want to be married and plan on having a great marriage flaws and all - sorry yours did not work out but don't snub mine"...but with more taste....

@MissScouter

I had a similar situation a while ago. Here is the link to it. Maybe it will help, maybe not. Either way please don't let these people get to you.

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/995495/have-any-of-you-been-through-this#latest

karlipregler

I would just ignore them, to be honest. All that matters is that you are happy with your decision to spend the rest of your life with him, and him with you. I had a lot of co-workers tell me the same types of things when they found out I was engaged. Most of them were either divorced, or cheating on their spouses so I just ignored it. Hope this helps!

MyNameIsNot

We didn't get a single comment like this.  How many people are making these comments?

Rude people will be rude, and misery loves company, but if that many people are making these comments, it would cause me to pause and wonder.  Like PP said, are there red flags that may be causing them to say these things?  

Either way, the best response is to ignore them, change the subject, or walk away.  

HaileyDancingbear

Yeah, I know you call them "Friends" but a real friend wouldn't be that nasty to you.  Frankly I'd ignore all the comments except for "It won't last."  That one, I'd tell them to f off and keep their bitterness to themselves.  That's just flat out mean-spirited, and not something I'd put up with.

MairePoppy

I thought the same thing as MyNameIsNot. It's strange to have more than one person make comments like that. Either those people are rude or they're concerned. Either way, you should ask them, "Why would you say such a thing to me?"  Listen to their answers. If all those people are just being jerks, avoid them as much as possible. 

krizzo17

We got comments like this when we were engaged, but mostly from coworkers and people we didn't really know who just wanted to stick their two cents in (and one girl who was somewhat of a friend at the time, but isn't anymore). Your happiness is likely making them insecure, some people can't help but be a negative nancy about everything! Roll your eyes and move on.

climbingsingle

Wow! Those are incredibly rude people. FI did get a few guys that said things along the line of, "Are you sure you want to get married?" "You know, once you get married, you stop having sex." - stupid things like that. And these comments were all from men in unhappy, loveless relationships, so obviously FI took it for what it's worth. 

Anyway, I'd probably respond with a bitchy reply, because I'm like that. Something like, "I'm sorry that you're unhappy in your marriage; you seem to be projecting those feelings onto me and my relationship." 

misssunshine17

Some people just refuse to be happy for others. I would have to have a bitchy comeback and keep it moving. If it happened more than once, I would definitely be severing ties with those people.

Emmy1493

Sounds like they do not support you and your FI. Time to find a new group of friends, OP. Those comments are very rude and very unnecessary.Surround yourself with people who are positive in that aspect, because eventually, it'll begin to either annoy you (which it already has), or it'll tear up you and possibly your aspect of marriage. 

If I were in your shoes, I would do just that. Drop 'em. I do not like negative/pushy people in my life, and if I want my marriage to bloom, I have to kill of the weeds. Hope all works out for you, OP. Good luck, and congrats!

photokitty

MissScouter said:

My FI and I have been engaged for 6 months and it has been awesome. The only problem I have is that some friends (not my close ones) like to comment rather abrasive things after asking me how the engagement has been going. Some of them are married, others divorced, so I understand aspects of their coldness but sometimes it just irritates me. Comments as sublime as "well I hope you realize you have to wake up next to him every day" or as forthright as "divorce costs more than a wedding, you are sure he is the right one for you?" or "believe me, marriage sucks" or as simply rude as "it won't last". I empathize that some of them have had bad experiences but I don't think that it's entirely fair to make assumptions about another couples relationship. So how do you say "Yes I get that forever means forever otherwise I would not have said yes and thank you I am very happy, he is my best friend, and we want to be married and plan on having a great marriage flaws and all - sorry yours did not work out but don't snub mine"...but with more taste....

I have said something along these lines before, BUT only to friends who are complaining about their FI and I have said it out of love and concern. One friend had said "I don't want to be the girl who couldn't make it work after 10 years of dating" right before I told her that along with "it's not going to get any better than it is right now - if it's not great now, it never will be." 

So if you are lamenting or complaining about FI to your close friends you can expect some honest feedback such as the bold. 

But if you are not complaining, then they are rude and should shut their traps!! :-X

Best wishes and GL

MissScouter

I don't believe that there are any red flags. Me and FI are rather low key and don't see these people often. We don't fight and it is against everything in who I am to insult my FI because that seems like the most disrespectful thing to do when you love someone (in other words I don't gossip, or lament on FB). Most of these people are not really friends so they wouldn't be people I would confide any problems. They are just kind of out of no where know-it-alls. I usually ignore it but some are rather persistent. I've decided that they more or less want to rant about their own flaws and failures - its just rather unfortunate that they have to do it in light of my joy. side note: that actually could be what irritates them so much is that we are so happy....

CLI242009

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Wow! Those are incredibly rude people. FI did get a few guys that said things along the line of, "Are you sure you want to get married?" "You know, once you get married, you stop having sex." - stupid things like that. And these comments were all from men in unhappy, loveless relationships, so obviously FI took it for what it's worth. 

I have had men and women make these kinds of comments to me and my FI. That is exactly how we take them. We are at first like "Umm sorry but our sex life is none of your business or please keep any negative comments to yourself" but if the subject is pushed or if they say "We're just giving you some advice" FI and I just shrug it off. We see it as just misery loves company kind of mentality.