Pennsylvania-Pittsburgh

do I have to send a gift?

so you konw that couple that are having a destination wedding? The ones that invited us, but they aren't even on our guest list.  Well- I was just invited to her shower as well- in Maine!!  WTH!?  Its a thing of the past to invite every single female guest to your shower- at least I *think* you only invite close friends and family to showers now.  but either way- theres no way I can go- I dont evenknow her all that well!  Are they just trying to get a gift? They know theres no way we could go to their wedding or shower- so anyway.... do I need to send a gift for the shower? (we're def sending one for the wedding)

Re: do I have to send a gift?

  • edited December 2011
    I say no to sending one for the shower- personally (do not have emily post book in my locker to reference, so no idea if this is etiquette).  Only in town family and friends were invited to my bridal shower, I think inviting ppl that are more than say 2 hours away, is really reaching unless they are bridesmaids or your best friend.  Just send a wedding present.
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  • edited December 2011
    is plenty IMO.  post fail - boo
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  • LaFemmeRousseLaFemmeRousse member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This is what Miss Manners has to say:

    "How many gifts?: How many gifts am I supposed to give when I attend a wedding? I used to think one (a substantial one, usually from their registry), either given at the bridal shower or sent prior to the wedding, but now I've heard I'm also supposed to bring a gift to the wedding regardless. I thought that gift table was for those people who didn't send one prior to the wedding, but maybe I'm wrong. Essentially, the rule I've heard is now a substantial wedding gift is expected upon announcement of the nuptials, and another if you actually attend the wedding.

    Am I supposed to give another substantial one as well if I'm in the wedding or at the bachelorette party as well? Engagement party? Usually, I'll give smaller, more personal gifts at those times, such as a framed snapshot of the happy couple, but is more expected?  I'm not even complaining about the expense of it all, but I get so frustrated with getting caught between everyone's differing expectations!

    Miss Manners: And the expectations become larger and greedier by the minute. Anything beyond a small present if you attend a bridal shower and one wedding present is ridiculous, no matter what people seem to expect."

    So... I don't think you're required to send anything, but maybe you can send a nice note if you don't.  It is weird that she invited you to her shower in Maine, I agree that it isn't done anymore.

    To be honest, though, if I were in that situation I would send something small- like $20 small.

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  • edited December 2011
    Hmm... that's a tough one (and how annoying!). Etiquette-wise, you should send a gift (IMO at least). If you decide to, maybe you could find something small on her registry. I wouldn't spend much more than $20 on it though. But, on the other hand, is this "friend" really going to care? I mean, are you ever going to see her or talk to her much again? I'm torn... I'd probably send something small out of etiquette, but that's me.
  • edited December 2011
    Yay, I am in line with Miss Manners' way of thinking, lol. (And no, I didn't read LaFemme's response before posting mine...got interrupted, and took longer posting.)
  • Er&JerLemEr&JerLem member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    IMO - gift giving shouldn't be out of obligation, but whether or not you want to.  Screw etiquette, whatever it says.  If you want to get her something, then do.  If you don't feel like you are close to her, or feel a need to get her something, then don't.  I don't think anyone should ever have to give anyone a gift.
  • edited December 2011
    hmmm... I think I'm going to go with a mix of Er and Miss Manners here.  I'll send a nice note, AND get a very cheap gift- I'm sorry, but I'm not even planning on spending that much money on their wedding gift. I still dont know why we were even invited! So- small gift and not for shower. and then maybe like a $30 gift for the wedding.

    I honestly think they just want invited to our wedding. Which seems to be a theme with our distant friends lately.  so annoying

    Thanks ladies!
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Jen, although a gift should NEVER be an obligation, sending a note and a small gift would be nice (which is exactly what I am doing with a baby shower that I didn't want to go to this weekend).  
  • edited December 2011
    If I'm out of town from a shower I usually go with the if I'm a close friend or family I send a gift, if not I usually send a card.
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