I'm probably making this more complicated than necessary...

jimandpam87

My FI and I have recently started planning our wedding for January '15.  Obviously, one of the first steps is determining the guest list (i.e. how many to invite?).  We are slightly confused on the etiquette for "plus ones", mostly b/c I've seen and heard so many different opinions on it.  Obviously, we will be inviting married/engaged/living together people together.  However, what about people that are just in a relationship? 

My concerns here are twofold:  1) What if said person is single now, but in a relationship by the time the wedding rolls around (or vice versa)?  2)  Where do you draw the line with relationship length?  Over a year?  6 months?  Or do you just not have criteria and do a plus one for anyone that's dating somebody?

We've got 20-30 friends who may or may not be in a relationship when the wedding gets here.  These are the people we're wondering about.  Mostly, I just don't want to offend anyone.  Case in point:  a family member is getting married in January and I did not get my own invitation (I was included with my parents).  I am 26 yrs. old and living with my now fiance, then bf.  I think this is rude. 

ANYWAY, like the title says, this probably isn't that complicated, but I wanted to get opinions before I make a final decision on this.  Any advice would be great. 

ac411020

Any one who considers themselves in a relationship should be invited with their significant other. It's not up to you to draw a line on relationship length.

OliveOilsMom

jimandpam87 said:

My FI and I have recently started planning our wedding for January '15.  Obviously, one of the first steps is determining the guest list (i.e. how many to invite?).  We are slightly confused on the etiquette for "plus ones", mostly b/c I've seen and heard so many different opinions on it.  Obviously, we will be inviting married/engaged/living together people together.  However, what about people that are just in a relationship? 

My concerns here are twofold:  1) What if said person is single now, but in a relationship by the time the wedding rolls around (or vice versa)?  2)  Where do you draw the line with relationship length?  Over a year?  6 months?  Or do you just not have criteria and do a plus one for anyone that's dating somebody?

We've got 20-30 friends who may or may not be in a relationship when the wedding gets here.  These are the people we're wondering about.  Mostly, I just don't want to offend anyone.  Case in point:  a family member is getting married in January and I did not get my own invitation (I was included with my parents).  I am 26 yrs. old and living with my now fiance, then bf.  I think this is rude. 

ANYWAY, like the title says, this probably isn't that complicated, but I wanted to get opinions before I make a final decision on this.  Any advice would be great. 

Any one who defines themselves as in a relationsip, should be invited with their SO's name on the invitation.  The length of time doesn't matter.  Anyone over 18 and living at home should receive their own wedding invitation too.  And lastly, as you make up your guest list, give anyone truly single now a plus one.  That way if anyone gets into a relationship during the planning of your wedding, your budget is ready to accomodate them.  If in the end, your current single friends are still single, then that money you budgeted for can go in to upgrade food or booze or even your honeymoon!

jellybeann

akosakow said:

Any one who considers themselves in a relationship should be invited with their significant other. It's not up to you to draw a line on relationship length.

Agree - at the time you send out invites, you should extend plus ones (really you should find out the significant other's name and address it to both people by name) to anyone who is in a relationship at the time. If between the time of invites going out and the wedding, someone previously single starts a relationship with someone new, you are not obligated to extend a plus one to the new significant other. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I understood.

ashleyep

Leave some wiggle room in your guest list for those who might start a relationship between now and when invites go out - we budgeted for every single guest with a date. This might mean not sending out save the dates to everyone - we have a sort of "B list" of guests that didn't get Save the Dates. We'll decide whether to invite them or not when we get ready to send out our invitations (note - not *that* kind of B List! All invites are going out at the same time).

phira

Here's how we're handling the situation--

Our wedding is in about a year, but obviously we needed to come up with a preliminary guest list so we could start budgeting. We drew up the list and included all significant others. Then we counted all of the single guests and added that number to our total. That became our maximum guest list, meaning that we knew we had to find a venue in our budget that could accommodate that number of people, and we needed to be able to afford to feed that many people.

When we send out invitations, we will not be giving +1s to single guests. But that means that if John or Jane Smith was single when we drew up the guest list a year before the wedding, and he or she starts dating someone during that year, we're not scrambling to figure out if we can include the new significant other.

And yes: what happened to you (being included on your parents' invitation and being invited without your boyfriend) was super rude.

daveANDkristen

jellybeann said:

akosakow said:

Any one who considers themselves in a relationship should be invited with their significant other. It's not up to you to draw a line on relationship length.

Agree - at the time you send out invites, you should extend plus ones (really you should find out the significant other's name and address it to both people by name) to anyone who is in a relationship at the time. If between the time of invites going out and the wedding, someone previously single starts a relationship with someone new, you are not obligated to extend a plus one to the new significant other. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I understood.

I agree that you are not obligated in this situation to accomodate your guest's new SO, but I personally would make the accomodation if at all possible.  I just think it is the courteous thing to do as a good host(ess).

 

 

OliveOilsMom said:

 

Any one who defines themselves as in a relationsip, should be invited with their SO's name on the invitation.  The length of time doesn't matter.  Anyone over 18 and living at home should receive their own wedding invitation too.  And lastly, as you make up your guest list, give anyone truly single now a plus one.  That way if anyone gets into a relationship during the planning of your wedding, your budget is ready to accomodate them.  If in the end, your current single friends are still single, then that money you budgeted for can go in to upgrade food or booze or even your honeymoon!

And this, especially the bolded.

misssunshine17

You need to invite the SO if they consider themselves in a relationship. This includes people who have been together for a day. If people are truly single, they aren't required a plus one. Budget for everyone to have a plus one. We gave everyone plus ones (10+ people) and none of them took it.

s-aries8990

What your family member did was rude. You are an adult, you should have gotten your own invitation and it should have been addressed to you and FI (BF).

To address your concerns:

1) Try and leave some extra wiggle room. Say you're venue holds 150 and you have 20 people who are currently single, keep your list below 130 so you will have room for add ins. Always make sure there is enough room to accommodate couples (and potential ones), and if a couple breaks up before invitations go out,you can either invite them with a plus one or solo. Anyone who is truly single does not require a plus-one. If you know the name of the significant other, you need to address the invite to:
Mr. Friend O'B&G
Ms. SO Lastname
Friend's-address
city, state zip

2) You draw the line on the relationship based on how those in the relationship define their relationship. If they consider someone their significant other, you should also. I say if POSSIBLE, plan and budget to invite everyone with a plus one. If they are in a relationship by the time invitations go out, you need to invite their significant other. If they get into a relationship in the 6-8 weeks between when your invitations go out and when your wedding is, please make every possible effort to accommodate them. I think that if you are inviting children and teens, a teen in HS doesn't require a plus-one or for their SO to be invited, but I think that if the SO's been around for "a while" (relative to you & yours - I'd say if they'd been to at least 1 or 2 major family gatherings) it's really nice to invite them.

Hmm, what else, everyone over the age of 18 requires their own plus one I mean INVITATION (personally, I say anyone out of High School).

I think you are over-complicating it. Just relax.

ashleyep

s-aries8990 said:

Hmm, what else, everyone over the age of 18 requires their own plus one (personally, I say anyone out of High School).

I think you are over-complicating it. Just relax.

I think you mean requires their own invite?

Teddy917

ashleyep said:

Leave some wiggle room in your guest list for those who might start a relationship between now and when invites go out - we budgeted for every single guest with a date. This might mean not sending out save the dates to everyone - we have a sort of "B list" of guests that didn't get Save the Dates. We'll decide whether to invite them or not when we get ready to send out our invitations (note - not *that* kind of B List! All invites are going out at the same time).

I don't think you need to go track down every one of your guests and determine if they're in a relationship right before invites go out. FI has a lot of old friends he wants to invite, but if someone he doesn't talk to all that frequently gets a girlfriend and we don't know about it - I don't think it's the worst thing in the world. If we get a call asking to bring their new girlfriend, we'll apologize profusely for excluding her and say of course you can! But absolutely don't knowingly invite someone without their SO.

Actually you should track them all down. If you try to track them all down and you can't get a hold of John for whatever reason, then it's not the worst thing in the world. But if you don't try tracking them down, that's on you. People shouldn't be calling to ask if people not on the invite are invited, because it's rude but they also shouldn't have to.

Maggie0829

Your best bet is to just plan that every guest will be brining a significant other. When the time comes to send out invites you invite those that are in relationships (no matter the length) together and those that are single you can then decide if you want to extend a plus one or not.

By planning it is way you won't get surprised by an increase in costs and such but rather you may get a happy surprise of things not costing as much as you had first thought.

jimandpam87

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I think we will end up just giving any adult living on their own a plus one, just in case.  My main concern is that most of the venues we're looking at are smaller and we are already at the top of the "maximum capacity", so to speak.  Mostly, my parents are paying for the wedding and want to invite people that I haven't seen in years.  Obviously, since they are paying, I'm not objecting, but it's frustrating trying to keep them happy b/c they're paying and also not offending people we may not have room for (that we actually care about).  But, I guess ultimately I can sacrifice financially on other areas so that we can invite the number we want.

Inkdancer

jimandpam87 said:

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I think we will end up just giving any adult living on their own a plus one, just in case.  My main concern is that most of the venues we're looking at are smaller and we are already at the top of the "maximum capacity", so to speak.  Mostly, my parents are paying for the wedding and want to invite people that I haven't seen in years.  Obviously, since they are paying, I'm not objecting, but it's frustrating trying to keep them happy b/c they're paying and also not offending people we may not have room for (that we actually care about).  But, I guess ultimately I can sacrifice financially on other areas so that we can invite the number we want.

It is almost always better to cut costs in other ways, if it means you can invite the people who are important to you and their significant others. If the choice is between open bar and not inviting people's girlfriends, beer and wine it is.

Gisellerina

I invited everyone who was not married, as either a couple or with a plus one.  I probably had 20-30 truly single people too, so that could have potentially been a lot of "randoms".  Most of our single friends either came alone or didn't come.  I only ended up with 7 people who brought a guest, and I enjoyed meeting all the six dates and seeing one friend's father again.  One of the 7 is now a couple with her date and expecting a baby next year! 

If you have the space, I think it's nice to give your single friends and family the option of bringing someone with them.  Wedding receptions can be lonely for some people - especially if you have many guests who don't know eachother.

jimandpam87

Inkdancer said:

jimandpam87 said:

Thanks everyone for the advice.  I think we will end up just giving any adult living on their own a plus one, just in case.  My main concern is that most of the venues we're looking at are smaller and we are already at the top of the "maximum capacity", so to speak.  Mostly, my parents are paying for the wedding and want to invite people that I haven't seen in years.  Obviously, since they are paying, I'm not objecting, but it's frustrating trying to keep them happy b/c they're paying and also not offending people we may not have room for (that we actually care about).  But, I guess ultimately I can sacrifice financially on other areas so that we can invite the number we want.

It is almost always better to cut costs in other ways, if it means you can invite the people who are important to you and their significant others. If the choice is between open bar and not inviting people's girlfriends, beer and wine it is.

I agree with you.  I'm trying to be low-maintenance and remember what the important part of all this is lol.

s-aries8990

ashleyep said:

s-aries8990 said:

Hmm, what else, everyone over the age of 18 requires their own plus one (personally, I say anyone out of High School).

I think you are over-complicating it. Just relax.

I think you mean requires their own invite?

YES!!! SORRY!!!

HaileyDancingbear

I was actually wondering the same thing for my wedding, the thing is I want a really small wedding.  I've never done well in big groups.  The more people you pack into a room, the less comfortable I am.  I wish I could change that, but that's just how I am.  I like small, intimate groups.  I also don't want an expensive wedding.  I want it small, intimate, and as carefree as possible- but I have a big Italian family.  I'm not close to all of them, so I'm hoping the guest list will be solely close family members and close friends.  What is the etiquette on plus ones then?  Obviously I'd invite the spouses and fiancés and girlfriends of family members, but as far as giving a single person a plus one, do I have to?  I just feel like if I give a plus one for a girlfriend/boyfriend that isn't even around yet, I'd be giving away a spot that could have gone to another family member.  Would it be acceptable to ask my single friends if they would mind not getting a plus one, or is that non-negotiable?

s-aries8990

HaileyDancingbear said:

I was actually wondering the same thing for my wedding, the thing is I want a really small wedding.  I've never done well in big groups.  The more people you pack into a room, the less comfortable I am.  I wish I could change that, but that's just how I am.  I like small, intimate groups.  I also don't want an expensive wedding.  I want it small, intimate, and as carefree as possible- but I have a big Italian family.  I'm not close to all of them, so I'm hoping the guest list will be solely close family members and close friends.  What is the etiquette on plus ones then?  Obviously I'd invite the spouses and fiancés and girlfriends of family members, but as far as giving a single person a plus one, do I have to?  I just feel like if I give a plus one for a girlfriend/boyfriend that isn't even around yet, I'd be giving away a spot that could have gone to another family member.  Would it be acceptable to ask my single friends if they would mind not getting a plus one, or is that non-negotiable?

If a person is truly single at the time invitations go out, then you do not need to give them a plus one.

Define "isn't even around yet." I think that it's better to err on the side of caution and respect for loved ones by inviting their significant other.

And, you can ask your friends, but you will come off as bride-zilla-ish because you're essentially asking for them to either 1) not get in relationships until after your wedding or 2) ditch THEIR significant other so you can MARRY YOURS (see the double standard there?). I think you'll just have to either alter your "vision" or make some tough cuts.

s-aries8990

DP

KPBM89

We assumed that all of our unmarried friends will bring someone when creating our guest list.  Most of them are in some kind of relationship for now anyway, with only a handful that are just plain single.  And even if they are still single at the time we send out invites, we're still extending them a plus one anyway and we'll see on their RSVP if they actually take it.  Also, you should have gotten your own invitation to that family member's wedding.  

MandyMost

You really never have to give someone a "plus one". You do, however, have to invite everyone's significant other, regardless of you YOU view their relationship or how long they've been together. Even if they've only been a "significant other" a week, you need to find out that person's name and put it on the invitation. So, the invitation doesn't go to "Ms. Jane Doe and guest", it goes to "Ms Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith". 

The point others are making is that up until the day you send the invites (usually around 6 weeks prior to the wedding, correct?) you don't know for sure who is or is not in a relationship at that time. Therefore, you should make sure you have space and money in case all of your single friend/relatives are in relationships. It would be a disaster if you only had the money and budget for 100 people, and you counted only 100 guests right now, but then by the time your wedding rolls around 20 of your previously-single guests are in relationships, so you therefore need to accommodate 120 guests. 

HisGirlFriday13

The general rule is that the deadline is when invites go out -- if people aren't in relationships then, you're free to invite them without a plus-one. Invitations aren't subpoenas, but they are non-negotiable and non-transferrable.

We had one guest who had a first date scheduled for the Friday night before our Sunday afternoon wedding. He tried to RSVP for two. I was like, "Uhm, yeah, no. You're not in a relationship, you've never even met this girl, so no."

He was pissy about it, but then his date ended up cancelling on him anyway. 

We had another guest who, between our invites going out in August and our wedding in October, who started a relationship. He changed his FB status and I reached out to him and said, "Please feel free to bring your new GF; just fill out the RSVP card with her name so I can write out the escort card." He did, and she was very grateful to be included. I know we didn't have to, technically, allow that, but we had the space (we invited 152 and our venue could hold 350), and we had had a ton of declines, so the extra person was NBD financially.

HaileyDancingbear

s-aries8990 said:

HaileyDancingbear said:

I was actually wondering the same thing for my wedding, the thing is I want a really small wedding.  I've never done well in big groups.  The more people you pack into a room, the less comfortable I am.  I wish I could change that, but that's just how I am.  I like small, intimate groups.  I also don't want an expensive wedding.  I want it small, intimate, and as carefree as possible- but I have a big Italian family.  I'm not close to all of them, so I'm hoping the guest list will be solely close family members and close friends.  What is the etiquette on plus ones then?  Obviously I'd invite the spouses and fiancés and girlfriends of family members, but as far as giving a single person a plus one, do I have to?  I just feel like if I give a plus one for a girlfriend/boyfriend that isn't even around yet, I'd be giving away a spot that could have gone to another family member.  Would it be acceptable to ask my single friends if they would mind not getting a plus one, or is that non-negotiable?

If a person is truly single at the time invitations go out, then you do not need to give them a plus one.

Define "isn't even around yet." I think that it's better to err on the side of caution and respect for loved ones by inviting their significant other.

And, you can ask your friends, but you will come off as bride-zilla-ish because you're essentially asking for them to either 1) not get in relationships until after your wedding or 2) ditch THEIR significant other so you can MARRY YOURS (see the double standard there?). I think you'll just have to either alter your "vision" or make some tough cuts.

By "Isn't around yet" I mean the person I'd be giving the plus one to is completely single- so I'd be giving a plus one on the off chance that they met someone between sending out invites and the wedding- and those truly single people would be the people I'd ask if they'd be ok with not getting a plus one, I wouldn't ask anyone who was in any sort of relationship.  Should I just skip asking and just not send out the plus ones to single people?  I wasn't sure if that was something I should double-check was okay with my single guests.

Inkdancer

If the invited person is not in a relationship at the time you send invites, you do not have to offer a +1. However, while you are planning right now you should assume that they will have someone, so you do not accidentally under budget.

As far as determining if they're in a relationship/ if it's okay not to give them a +1, Facebook and gossip can be your friend here. Rather than going to your friend and saying "Hey, met any hunks lately?" try to find out who does and does not have an SO through other means.

SomethingBeautiful08

Another word of warning about "plus one"s.   Once you put "plus one" or "and guest" you leave it open for them to bring whomever they want.  You would assume that is probably a SO, but it could be a family member or friend, and might be someone you don't know.  It will probably be ok, but look around this board and you will see horror stories about brides stressing over someone bringing "the wrong" plus one.

SomethingBeautiful08

Another word of warning about "plus one"s.   Once you put "plus one" or "and guest" you leave it open for them to bring whomever they want.  You would assume that is probably a SO, but it could be a family member or friend, and might be someone you don't know.  It will probably be ok, but look around this board and you will see horror stories about brides stressing over someone bringing "the wrong" plus one.

huskypuppy14

HisGirlFriday13 said:

The general rule is that the deadline is when invites go out -- if people aren't in relationships then, you're free to invite them without a plus-one. Invitations aren't subpoenas, but they are non-negotiable and non-transferrable.

We had one guest who had a first date scheduled for the Friday night before our Sunday afternoon wedding. He tried to RSVP for two. I was like, "Uhm, yeah, no. You're not in a relationship, you've never even met this girl, so no."

He was pissy about it, but then his date ended up cancelling on him anyway. 

We had another guest who, between our invites going out in August and our wedding in October, who started a relationship. He changed his FB status and I reached out to him and said, "Please feel free to bring your new GF; just fill out the RSVP card with her name so I can write out the escort card." He did, and she was very grateful to be included. I know we didn't have to, technically, allow that, but we had the space (we invited 152 and our venue could hold 350), and we had had a ton of declines, so the extra person was NBD financially.

This x 1000!  

Though technically you don't have to, wouldn't you feel like an ass if you didn't let someone bring their new SO and then they end up getting married in a couple years. 

Like others have said, in the planning stage, always add plus ones for everyone for budget purposes. If people are not in relationships you don't have to give them plus ones, but you would have the money if it were necessary. 

We have less than 10 people who are truly single, so they are all getting plus ones. 

s-aries8990

HaileyDancingbear said:

s-aries8990 said:

If a person is truly single at the time invitations go out, then you do not need to give them a plus one.

Define "isn't even around yet." I think that it's better to err on the side of caution and respect for loved ones by inviting their significant other.

And, you can ask your friends, but you will come off as bride-zilla-ish because you're essentially asking for them to either 1) not get in relationships until after your wedding or 2) ditch THEIR significant other so you can MARRY YOURS (see the double standard there?). I think you'll just have to either alter your "vision" or make some tough cuts.

By "Isn't around yet" I mean the person I'd be giving the plus one to is completely single- so I'd be giving a plus one on the off chance that they met someone between sending out invites and the wedding- and those truly single people would be the people I'd ask if they'd be ok with not getting a plus one, I wouldn't ask anyone who was in any sort of relationship.  Should I just skip asking and just not send out the plus ones to single people?  I wasn't sure if that was something I should double-check was okay with my single guests.

OH, OK. I see what you mean.

If you are sending STDs and they are single now, there is no need to include a plus-one on the STD.

If when you send invites, they are STILL single, you DO NOT have to extend a plus one. I wouldn't ask, especially if you know they will know others there and sit them with people they know. It would make it too complicated.

[Deleted User]

On the STD for people who were single, we didn't put & guest. We looked at what their relationship status was at the time of sending out invitations. The core group of our friends are all single & no one was dating either. So we opted to just invite them without a guest. We sat them together & they seemed to have fun because they were with friends. Now one of my BM, even though she wasn't in a relationship I gave her +1 because she wasn't really going to know anyone at the reception besides me and my parents and I was going to be busy hosting & dancing, etc. So I figured if she brought a date/friend then she would have someone she knew at the reception making it a more fun experience for her. So I think you have to look at the different situations on first what will your budget allow for and second do they know anyone else, if not, if you can afford it, allow them to bring a guest so they have someone to talk to and they will enjoy the evening more then too.

kgd7357

"Leave some wiggle room in your guest list for those who might start a relationship between now and when invites go out - we budgeted for every single guest with a date. This might mean not sending out save the dates to everyone - we have a sort of "B list" of guests that didn't get Save the Dates. We'll decide whether to invite them or not when we get ready to send out our invitations (note - not *that* kind of B List! All invites are going out at the same time)."

We are doing exactly this too. We had about 20 solo guests when we sent out STDs. We budgeted for about 20 extra people. And we have a second list of 10 people that we would like to invite, but don't really have the budget for if all 20 solo people get a SO by the time invites go out. These 10 people didn't get STDs. We will follow up with our solo guests just before invites go out to determine if they have a SO or not, and get the exact name. From there we will determine if we can invite any of the remaining 10 people and their SOs if they have one. They will get invites then at the same time as everyone else. The only difference is they didn't get a STD, which is not required.