Invite Substituting???

soontobemrsbuccheri

FMIL wants to substitute 2 of her invitees as one had passed away over the summer, leaving his wife widowed but she is still invited and the other has been extremely ill and "probably won't be better in 3 months for the wedding" (her words - how the heck does she know?!).  We told her NO as the invites were final and if we allowed her to "substitute" then my parents should be able to etc.  She then asked if she can invite the 2 "substitutes" if we don't make our minimum.  We told her that we will be giving our single bridal party members first dibs on bringing a date as well as my single brother (who is not in the BP).  She didn't like that answer and said that she should be able to verbally invite more people if we don't make our minimum.  

Is there a such thing as invite "substituting?"  I mean, seriously.  Agh.  Any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated. 

ETA: Our guest list is currently at 168 and our minimum is at 140.  I have a feeling we will make minimum and not have any substitutions.  

photokitty

Have invites gone out? Is she helping pay? 

If she is paying and you divided the guest list up among the people paying and she was giving a number and select her own guests I would let her subs guests. If invites have gone out or she isn't paying then I would not. 

I would not choose to die not his hill and let her invite the 2 other people. I would rather let my MIL have 2 people important to her there, over random plus ones. 

However you should have the plus ones in your counts incase any of them are in relationship between no and when invites go out. GL!

Jen4948

photokitty said:

Have invites gone out? Is she helping pay? 

If she is paying and you divided the guest list up among the people paying and she was giving a number and select her own guests I would let her subs guests. If invites have gone out or she isn't paying then I would not. 

I would not choose to die not his hill and let her invite the 2 other people. I would rather let my MIL have 2 people important to her there, over random plus ones. 

However you should have the plus ones in your counts incase any of them are in relationship between no and when invites go out. GL!

If the invitations have already gone out, then this is B-listing and it's rude, so I wouldn't do it.  If they haven't gone out yet though, then you can go ahead and make the change.

princessleia22

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

FMIL wants to substitute 2 of her invitees as one had passed away over the summer, leaving his wife widowed but she is still invited and the other has been extremely ill and "probably won't be better in 3 months for the wedding" (her words - how the heck does she know?!).  We told her NO as the invites were final and if we allowed her to "substitute" then my parents should be able to etc.  She then asked if she can invite the 2 "substitutes" if we don't make our minimum.  We told her that we will be giving our single bridal party members first dibs on bringing a date as well as my single brother (who is not in the BP).  She didn't like that answer and said that she should be able to verbally invite more people if we don't make our minimum.  

Is there a such thing as invite "substituting?"  I mean, seriously.  Agh.  Any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated. 

ETA: Our guest list is currently at 168 and our minimum is at 140.  I have a feeling we will make minimum and not have any substitutions.  

First of all, this is textbook B-listing, which is rude.  And did she really say that she wants to "verbally invite" them?  Talk about extremely rude?  If someone verbally invited me to a wedding, I would be completely insulted because then you know that you were a last minute addition and you weren't really wanted there.  If I didn't receive a proper invite, I would feel like I would be crashing the wedding, and would definitely not go. No paper invite = no invite at all.

That being said, I think that since she isn't paying for anything, you have no responsibility to allow these additional guests. Just tell her that you will let her know when you get the final head count and if your min. isn't met, you can re-discuss the issue at that time.  If you meet your min., then there shouldn't be anything to discuss, no additional guests. But on the other hand, if it is important to her, is it worth battling with your FMIL over a minor issue like this, and starting your inclusion into her family with bad feelings? But, if you allow her to invite these people, definitely send them a paper invite, or even have her hand deliver them if necessary, rather than verbal invites. 

photokitty

nicoann said:

soontobemrsbuccheri said:

FMIL wants to substitute 2 of her invitees as one had passed away over the summer, leaving his wife widowed but she is still invited and the other has been extremely ill and "probably won't be better in 3 months for the wedding" (her words - how the heck does she know?!).  We told her NO as the invites were final and if we allowed her to "substitute" then my parents should be able to etc.  She then asked if she can invite the 2 "substitutes" if we don't make our minimum.  We told her that we will be giving our single bridal party members first dibs on bringing a date as well as my single brother (who is not in the BP).  She didn't like that answer and said that she should be able to verbally invite more people if we don't make our minimum.  

Is there a such thing as invite "substituting?"  I mean, seriously.  Agh.  Any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated. 

ETA: Our guest list is currently at 168 and our minimum is at 140.  I have a feeling we will make minimum and not have any substitutions.  

First of all, this is textbook B-listing, which is rude.  And did she really say that she wants to "verbally invite" them?  Talk about extremely rude?  If someone verbally invited me to a wedding, I would be completely insulted because then you know that you were a last minute addition and you weren't really wanted there.  If I didn't receive a proper invite, I would feel like I would be crashing the wedding, and would definitely not go. No paper invite = no invite at all.

That being said, I think that since she isn't paying for anything, you have no responsibility to allow these additional guests. Just tell her that you will let her know when you get the final head count and if your min. isn't met, you can re-discuss the issue at that time.  If you meet your min., then there shouldn't be anything to discuss, no additional guests. But on the other hand, if it is important to her, is it worth battling with your FMIL over a minor issue like this, and starting your inclusion into her family with bad feelings? But, if you allow her to invite these people, definitely send them a paper invite, or even have her hand deliver them if necessary, rather than verbal invites. 

First bold - I it is not B listing until you have sent the invites. You can revise your invite list up until you send them. Once they are sent then any additions are B listing. If you have sent the invites out already OP, then I think it's a done deals and she can't change the guest list.

Second bold - I don't think the OP stated if she was paying of not. I read it twice and never saw it. If she is paying then I think she should be able to revise her portion of the guest list if the invites have not been sent IMHO

Yes, verbal invites are never ok. Don't do that, ewwww

soontobemrsbuccheri

photokitty said:

Have invites gone out? Is she helping pay?   

If she is paying and you divided the guest list up among the people paying and she was giving a number and select her own guests I would let her subs guests. If invites have gone out or she isn't paying then I would not. 

I would not choose to die not his hill and let her invite the 2 other people. I would rather let my MIL have 2 people important to her there, over random plus ones. 

However you should have the plus ones in your counts incase any of them are in relationship between no and when invites go out. GL!

We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves.  The guest list was finalized the week before Thanksgiving and she OK'd every person on the list. She had told me about the one family member that had passed away, but never anything about the family member that's been ill.  The invites are going out the week of New Years.  All of the invites have been assembled and have been addressed.  We told her we weren't changing any names on the invites and she should have added these people on a LONG time ago.  We have been "giving in" to the demands of FMIL since we started planning and I have had enough.  If she wants extra people invited (that probably won't come anyway) then she will have to pay the difference.  

photokitty said:

First bold - I it is not B listing until you have sent the invites. You can revise your invite list up until you send them. Once they are sent then any additions are B listing. If you have sent the invites out already OP, then I think it's a done deals and she can't change the guest list.

Second bold - I don't think the OP stated if she was paying of not. I read it twice and never saw it. If she is paying then I think she should be able to revise her portion of the guest list if the invites have not been sent IMHO

Yes, verbal invites are never ok. Don't do that, ewwww

I agree that B lists are not nice.  We have "built in" the plus 1's for the bridal party, if they RSVP with a date.  A few members of the BP are married so where as only a couple are single (no significant others/fi's/wives/husbands).  We are giving the BP the ability to bring dates if they'd like to.  I have a feeling that our single BP members will be going sans date.  At least my Cousin and Sister (both in the BP) have said that they're not bringing anyone, even if given the ability to.  

FMIL has changed her guest list a million times it seems, and we finally put our foot down in regards to how many changes.  First change was just after STD's went out.  Then again when my sister was planning my bridal shower and was sending out invites.  Then again when I was writing thank you's out for the gifts from my shower.  Both FI and I had enough and when we said it was finalized, that means it was finalized.  We had a very LARGE guest list when we first started planning (well over 250) and had to cut it down to below 170.  Which we did.  ALL lists were cut down with the OK's of FMIL, FFIL/FSMIL, and my parents.  Hell, I had to cut out a good number of my friends who I really wanted to have there, because Family is by far the most important.

soontobemrsbuccheri

photokitty said:

Have invites gone out? Is she helping pay? 

If she is paying and you divided the guest list up among the people paying and she was giving a number and select her own guests I would let her subs guests. If invites have gone out or she isn't paying then I would not. 

I would not choose to die not his hill and let her invite the 2 other people. I would rather let my MIL have 2 people important to her there, over random plus ones. 

However you should have the plus ones in your counts incase any of them are in relationship between no and when invites go out. GL!

The invites go out in less than 2 weeks.  We've checked with ALL BP to see if they are in relationships and all single members have said "no".  We are putting in an "invisible plus 1" for each of the single BP's incase they do start dating someone between the invites going out and the RSVP date.  

photokitty

I think you are fine not honoring her request. It sounds like you have been reasonable all the way along.

You said you are "not changing any of the names on the invites" - but you are changing the invite for the widow/widower right? I'm sure you are, but just in case you forgot they would need a new envelope that reflects that only they are invited and not there recently deceased. It's easy to over look these things and I am merely pointing it out so you don't accidentally make them sad by seeing both names on the invite.

GL!

soontobemrsbuccheri

photokitty said:

I think you are fine not honoring her request. It sounds like you have been reasonable all the way along.

You said you are "not changing any of the names on the invites" - but you are changing the invite for the widow/widower right? I'm sure you are, but just in case you forgot they would need a new envelope that reflects that only they are invited and not there recently deceased. It's easy to over look these things and I am merely pointing it out so you don't accidentally make them sad by seeing both names on the invite.

GL!

I knew about the passing of their family member well before FMIL told me. FI's uncle told me over dinner shortly after the members passing. I removed his name and updated the info on my address sheets. All taken care of. Thanks!!!!