Cash Bar vs. Open Bar - What Your Friends Are Saying

vt&dt

I can say I've lived in the midwest my whole life, and have been to several weddings, and only one has been a cash bar.  Nobody said anything to the bride on her day, but I was quite disappointed and we've absolutely talked about it since then.  Guests who didn't have cash (they didn't accept cards) couldn't have a glass of wine at this wedding at a winery.

It's rude.  Period.  You can choose to be rude and talk to your friends about it (if they're requesting specific brands/types of liquor they're also being rude) and they probably won't tell you that it's rude, but it is.

Isn't this why TK forums exist?  So brides-to-be can get objective & honest advice from people that know weddings/etiquette but don't have a reason to say "whatever you want!" when it's wrong?

Every week I'm surprised that this is (still) an issue.

photokitty

I have to say this -- I would rather be asked to bring a covered dish to a potluck wedding reception in someone's backyard than go to a wedding with a cash bar - I think they are that rude and tacky! 

Both are poor hosting, but at least at a potluck I don't have to pay for anything once I'm there.

Fairyjen1

     Cash bars are pretty normal here, especially in my family! That said, I'm not having one as I'm trying to model correct behavior, which will be lost on a lot of my family, but what can you do? I'm having beer and wine only along with soft drinks, coffee, water and tea. Were I doing something with only my family I would probably consider a cash bar, own the fact that I was being rude (and certainly not post about it here!), and move on, HOWEVER, it's not just my family involved, there's friends and my FI's family and that is when etiquette comes into play, they may not love and accept me after rudely having a cash bar at my wedding, as my family does,  so I'll host properly what I know to be correct to start the relationship off on the right foot, even if cash bars don't personally offend me. I actually didn't even know they were rude until I started reading etiquette boards. 

    Will some members of my family complain that liquor wasn't available? Yes they will! Will some wander down 3 floors to the hotel bar and buy a drink? Yes they will! Is it my problem? No it's not!I will be a good host and hopefully most of them will be good guests and eat and drink only what I provide, but if they are not, its not on me! 

    Do people really wait to give gifts only after they see if the wedding is up to their standards? I don't expect, nor even care about gifts, being an older bride with more stuff than I know what to do with. However, now I will be paranoid that if someone doesn't give me a gift it will be because they will think my wedding wasn't up to snuff and I offended them in some way. 

   

photokitty

Fairyjen1 said:

     Cash bars are pretty normal here, especially in my family! That said, I'm not having one as I'm trying to model correct behavior, which will be lost on a lot of my family, but what can you do? I'm having beer and wine only along with soft drinks, coffee, water and tea. Were I doing something with only my family I would probably consider a cash bar, own the fact that I was being rude (and certainly not post about it here!), and move on, HOWEVER, it's not just my family involved, there's friends and my FI's family and that is when etiquette comes into play, they may not love and accept me after rudely having a cash bar at my wedding, as my family does,  so I'll host properly what I know to be correct to start the relationship off on the right foot, even if cash bars don't personally offend me. I actually didn't even know they were rude until I started reading etiquette boards. 

    Will some members of my family complain that liquor wasn't available? Yes they will! Will some wander down 3 floors to the hotel bar and buy a drink? Yes they will! Is it my problem? No it's not!I will be a good host and hopefully most of them will be good guests and eat and drink only what I provide, but if they are not, its not on me! 

    Do people really wait to give gifts only after they see if the wedding is up to their standards? I don't expect, nor even care about gifts, being an older bride with more stuff than I know what to do with. However, now I will be paranoid that if someone doesn't give me a gift it will be because they will think my wedding wasn't up to snuff and I offended them in some way. 

   

First bold - Go You!!

Second - Funny story. The only wedding I can recalling going to with a cash bar was in hotel and we kept going out to the big bar in the lobby to get drinks bc they had a better selection and we could take a break from the loud music. The groom complained after that we had done this bc they didn't meet the minimum for the bar in the reception room as the hotel bar was not included in the count. I thought it was hysterical and KARMA. Bawhahah

HisGirlFriday13

One of the venues we considered (and rejected immediately) was a winery. We had planned to host only beer and wine -- that was what our budget allowed. The winery (a) wouldn't let us bring in beer, so the reception would have been wine-only and (b) wouldn't let us do either hosted wine or consumption wine -- they would ONLY allow a cash bar, by-the-glass, pour. I heard that, stood up, said, "Thanks for your time, we won't be using your venue," and walked out. I didn't need to hear any more than that.

artbyallie

For the record, there are lots of people who aren't offended by racist jokes. Doesn't make the jokes/joke-teller not rude as all hell.

huskypuppy14

HisGirlFriday13 said:

One of the venues we considered (and rejected immediately) was a winery. We had planned to host only beer and wine -- that was what our budget allowed. The winery (a) wouldn't let us bring in beer, so the reception would have been wine-only and (b) wouldn't let us do either hosted wine or consumption wine -- they would ONLY allow a cash bar, by-the-glass, pour. I heard that, stood up, said, "Thanks for your time, we won't be using your venue," and walked out. I didn't need to hear any more than that.

This makes no sense- and really bad business. If they have your credit card or you pay for an estimated amount per person ahead of time, why does it matter? They literally have to take the cash from the person who wants the drink? Sounds ridiculous to me, and good for you for walking out.

HisGirlFriday13

laurynm84 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

One of the venues we considered (and rejected immediately) was a winery. We had planned to host only beer and wine -- that was what our budget allowed. The winery (a) wouldn't let us bring in beer, so the reception would have been wine-only and (b) wouldn't let us do either hosted wine or consumption wine -- they would ONLY allow a cash bar, by-the-glass, pour. I heard that, stood up, said, "Thanks for your time, we won't be using your venue," and walked out. I didn't need to hear any more than that.

This makes no sense- and really bad business. If they have your credit card or you pay for an estimated amount per person ahead of time, why does it matter? They literally have to take the cash from the person who wants the drink? Sounds ridiculous to me, and good for you for walking out.

Yeah, that's the part I didn't get. I would have understood no selling by the glass, that we would have had to buy full bottles for use and anything not used was just not used. But I couldn't for the life of me fathom why they had to charge my GUESTS for drinks rather than me and DH. I was like, 'What does it MATTER?'

I got an e-mail follow up, asking why we weren't using them, so I sent them this book of an e-mail detailing ALL of the reasons (this was just one of many) that we wouldn't be using their venue. They came back with, "Well, it's a liability thing. People get sloppy drunk at open bars but don't get drunk at cash bars."

I was just like, WTF?!? Yeah, OK. Whatevs.

huskypuppy14

HisGirlFriday13 said:

laurynm84 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

One of the venues we considered (and rejected immediately) was a winery. We had planned to host only beer and wine -- that was what our budget allowed. The winery (a) wouldn't let us bring in beer, so the reception would have been wine-only and (b) wouldn't let us do either hosted wine or consumption wine -- they would ONLY allow a cash bar, by-the-glass, pour. I heard that, stood up, said, "Thanks for your time, we won't be using your venue," and walked out. I didn't need to hear any more than that.

This makes no sense- and really bad business. If they have your credit card or you pay for an estimated amount per person ahead of time, why does it matter? They literally have to take the cash from the person who wants the drink? Sounds ridiculous to me, and good for you for walking out.

Yeah, that's the part I didn't get. I would have understood no selling by the glass, that we would have had to buy full bottles for use and anything not used was just not used. But I couldn't for the life of me fathom why they had to charge my GUESTS for drinks rather than me and DH. I was like, 'What does it MATTER?'

I got an e-mail follow up, asking why we weren't using them, so I sent them this book of an e-mail detailing ALL of the reasons (this was just one of many) that we wouldn't be using their venue. They came back with, "Well, it's a liability thing. People get sloppy drunk at open bars but don't get drunk at cash bars."

I was just like, WTF?!? Yeah, OK. Whatevs.

Ha ha ha!  Oh yeah, bars on Saturday nights are full of sober people. 

MGP

So you want me to stop talking to my closest friends, my relatives, and my co-workers to get their opinion on something my guest have asked for? 

Yes, because your guests have no business being polled about their wishes for an event that they are not hosting or financing.

I thought being a good host involved being accommodating? 

Yes, to a certain point.  Be accommodating but don't fill a wish list.  You are never going to please everyone. Host what you can afford and host it properly. Even doing the best you can someone will have an issue with something that you did. People are a-holes like that. 

So how is rude to offer guest an offer they are asking for? 

Because they shouldn't be asking. He who pays gets a say. 

After talking to people I'm either going to have the cash bar so people can choose to buy what I can't afford (and it is a choice to buy alcohol from the cash bar, no one is making them do it) or tell people they can bring a bottle of whatever they want to the reception. 

Bad idea on both counts.  Depending on the liquor laws in your area it could be illegal for guests to bring their own alcohol into a venue.  And with your name on the contract you could be held liable, even if you didn't know about it or told them not to.  Again, host what you can afford.  A BYOB wedding is the lowest of the low to me.

Edited:  paragraphs!

cruffino

I'd like there to be a difference between going to a wedding and going to a bar. If I have to pay for drinks, then I'll choose the bar over the wedding. This way I can wear jeans and not have to bring a gift. It also frees me from watching stupid dances, garter throws, bouquet tosses, and the myriad other dumb things I have to endure at a wedding.

Bruins63

Schatzi13 said:

The one time I saw a cash bar at a wedding, someone bought me a drink because I didn't have any cash with me. (Why would I? It was a wedding.) That same person bought drinks for about half of the table because she felt bad that they'd no cash and couldn't get their own. 

I didn't hear anyone near us speak poorly of the couple over the bar, but there was a lot of "WTF"ing. Cash bars are unheard of in our circle. I don't think anyone saw it coming.

Disregarding the bar situation- I feel like adults should always leave the house with $20-40 on them for emergencies and unknowns lol. Once in a while there's a highway toll or parking lot or something you didn't expect. (or in my case girl scouts selling cookies wink wink)

southernbelle0915

xmobergx said:

Schatzi13 said:

The one time I saw a cash bar at a wedding, someone bought me a drink because I didn't have any cash with me. (Why would I? It was a wedding.) That same person bought drinks for about half of the table because she felt bad that they'd no cash and couldn't get their own. 

I didn't hear anyone near us speak poorly of the couple over the bar, but there was a lot of "WTF"ing. Cash bars are unheard of in our circle. I don't think anyone saw it coming.

Disregarding the bar situation- I feel like adults should always leave the house with $20-40 on them for emergencies and unknowns lol. Once in a while there's a highway toll or parking lot or something you didn't expect. (or in my case girl scouts selling cookies wink wink)

I don't disagree that the bolded is a good practice, but by this logic you wouldn't spend that "emergency" money on a cash bar - you'd save it for an emergency. IMO,

A) drinking is not an emergency; and 

I expect to be hosted - even if that means no alcohol at all. Fine whatever, I'm happy to be offered whatever they offer. But if they offer alcohol and charge me for it? I pay for it with the only money I brought - the money in the card I brought for the B&G. It's not a mean thing, it's just that it's the only money I have. Sorry B&G.

Jen4948

Drinking at a wedding is not an emergency.  Nobody should have to bring money to a wedding.  It is not a fundraiser for the venue.  If the hosts don't want to pay for alcohol, they shouldn't offer it.

BMoreBride6

One of my aunts told me about a wedding she was invited to years ago...on the RSVP card there were entree choices...for one of the entrees, next to it, it had directions to mail a check for $16 made out to _______ if you'd like that choice.  They did not attend.  

photokitty

BMoreBride6 said:

One of my aunts told me about a wedding she was invited to years ago...on the RSVP card there were entree choices...for one of the entrees, next to it, it had directions to mail a check for $16 made out to _______ if you'd like that choice.  They did not attend.  

Maggie0829

BMoreBride6 said:

One of my aunts told me about a wedding she was invited to years ago...on the RSVP card there were entree choices...for one of the entrees, next to it, it had directions to mail a check for $16 made out to _______ if you'd like that choice.  They did not attend.  

That's just...uh...wow...

misshart00

BMoreBride6 said:

One of my aunts told me about a wedding she was invited to years ago...on the RSVP card there were entree choices...for one of the entrees, next to it, it had directions to mail a check for $16 made out to _______ if you'd like that choice.  They did not attend.  

Why are people so outraged by this but not cash bars? It's the same concept.

MooMoo089

I would just parking lot party at their wedding.

Bruins63

southernbelle0915 said:

xmobergx said:

Schatzi13 said:

The one time I saw a cash bar at a wedding, someone bought me a drink because I didn't have any cash with me. (Why would I? It was a wedding.) That same person bought drinks for about half of the table because she felt bad that they'd no cash and couldn't get their own. 

I didn't hear anyone near us speak poorly of the couple over the bar, but there was a lot of "WTF"ing. Cash bars are unheard of in our circle. I don't think anyone saw it coming.

Disregarding the bar situation- I feel like adults should always leave the house with $20-40 on them for emergencies and unknowns lol. Once in a while there's a highway toll or parking lot or something you didn't expect. (or in my case girl scouts selling cookies wink wink)

I don't disagree that the bolded is a good practice, but by this logic you wouldn't spend that "emergency" money on a cash bar - you'd save it for an emergency. IMO,

A) drinking is not an emergency; and 

I expect to be hosted - even if that means no alcohol at all. Fine whatever, I'm happy to be offered whatever they offer. But if they offer alcohol and charge me for it? I pay for it with the only money I brought - the money in the card I brought for the B&G. It's not a mean thing, it's just that it's the only money I have. Sorry B&G.

Oh I know- I have been sober for 6 years so I definitely know that drinking doesn't constitute an emergency. Just saying people should always have money on them wherever they're going- not saving they need to/ should spend it at the bar.

chiualover

clairekundinger said:

1) saying that if guests want a cash bar that it's their problem is not caring about your guest. A lot of people would rather have a cash bar than no bar. 2) if the beer and wine were free and that was all there was, a person who didn't drink that would be sober around drunk people while as a partially hosted bar with beer and wine and then a cash option would allow you the same kind of options if you didn't want to pay for drinks and an option to have something you like drinking if you want. 3) if a bride isn't in a designer dress and the couple spends 90% of their budget on trying to feed and drink and host their guests and still have only a partially hosted bar... Is that as insulting? Do you judge them as much?

You must have had a cash, or as you put it, partial cash bar, at your wedding.

Mitch617

@clairekundinger I think it would be confusing to have some drinks free and some for cash. If you want to only provide beer and wine for free then I say just only have beer and wine, no other alcohol. I know people who like mixed drinks better, but if they are drinking for free they would be fine with beer or wine. Or have a signature drink or 2, also included in open bar. Honestly I have paid for drinks at weddings and didn't mind too much, knowing a couple is on a budget. It would be different if I knew her dress cost more than an open bar would have. My question is, how do these people know it is cash bar before going? To decide to give less of a gift because of that seems rude and its not like you would write "cash bar" or "open bar" on the invitation.

wrigleyville

I don't understand all of the people justifying things by saying, "Well, I asked my family/friends, and they said it was okay."

Of course they did. Your family/friends love you and aren't going to lie to you. It puts people in an awkward position when you come right out and ask if something is rude or tacky. They're going to hem and haw and try not to piss off the bride.

Asking if it's okay to have a pretty princess day, have a honeyfund jar, and have a cash bar is the wedding equivalent of, "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

csuave

Cash bar advocates, would you have a cash bar if drinks cost $25 each?  I'm going to guess no because your guests would be offended by having to take that kind of money out of pocket. 

I've seen some people on TK that are OK with cash bars because they are "regionally acceptable" praise the $2/toonie bar.  The reason is it costs them less to drink at these weddings.  Well guess what is better than $25 or $2 per drink....$0! 

$0 will not require any money out of pocket, $0 is not rude, $0 will not offend.  It's not complicated.....$0 is better.

 

csuave

double post

MGP

cruffino said:

I'd like there to be a difference between going to a wedding and going to a bar. If I have to pay for drinks, then I'll choose the bar over the wedding. This way I can wear jeans and not have to bring a gift. It also frees me from watching stupid dances, garter throws, bouquet tosses, and the myriad other dumb things I have to endure at a wedding.

All of this!  

OK I am sure everyone on this board has attended a conference or some type of corporate meeting where the food was catered (and paid for).  What happens at these things?  Lemon poppyseed muffins?  You prefer blueberry, but you manage.  Ham sandwiches?  You prefer turkey but you manage.  Pepsi?  You prefer Coke, but you manage.  Has anyone got an email asking about what they want beforehand?  I sure haven't.  

When you cater for the masses most of the time you have to take the middle ground.  Someone is bound to be pissed off because they didn't want gravy on top of their mashed potatoes but in the grand scheme of things it's easier to slightly piss one person off than spend and ungodly amount of time doing every single thing to order. Unless, that is you are willing to pay top dollar.

I fail to see how a wedding is any different.  Especially if you are properly hosting and your guests aren't paying for anything.