Gift problems, the sequel

JCbride2015

So... my mom is coming down from Boston tomorrow to celebrate Christmas and my sister's college graduation.  We are exchanging gifts with Mom tomorrow, and I'm giving Sis her grad present, which I'm psyched about.  

Mom told me today that she is just "so broke" that she has no presents for us.  She said she had a handmade gift for me and Fi, but nothing for my sister, not even stocking stuffers.  Mom claims she was going to go out today and spend $20 on Sis, but now it's snowing in Boston and she can't drive in the snow.  (I think this is an excuse because she doesn't actually have the money... she could go tomorrow if she wanted).

This is going to get really awkward really fast, because I have several gifts to give Mom tomorrow, and Sis and I are going to wait to exchange gifts until real Christmas.  So this means that Mom coming down to spend Christmas with us is going to turn into... JCBride gives gifts to Mom, Mom gives one gift to JC and Fi, Sis has nothing.

I am really tempted to take Mom out shopping for Sis before Sis gets to my house tomorrow for dinner.  I want to just tell her, buy something for Sis, I'll pay.  I have the cash and would not have to put it on a credit card, but money in general is tight.

Am I enabling my mom being irresponsible?  I know it would hurt Sis' feelings to get literally nothing for Christmas from her mom, especially if she's going to sit there and watch Mom open presents from me.

melbelleup

Is your mom getting her a grad gift? Any way for her to make that grad gift and christmas gift? I think it's nice you're welling to help your mom, but at the same time your mom might take extreme offense to it.

JCbride2015

No, she doesn't have a grad gift.  And Sis' bday is the 30th, I'm sure there's no bday present either.

My grandma told me in an email she has to wait to give Sis her grad gift because she has to help my mom with her bills first.  Wtf, my grandma is a retired public school teacher.

Just talked to Fi and he's pretty pissed about the whole situation.  He said I should get Sis a couple of gifts to give her tomorrow, but don't say they're from Mom, just label them from me.  That way she has something to open, but he really doesn't want me giving money to Mom for that.

melbelleup

I guess to me, if I had the money to spare and my mom wouldn't be offended (which if she asked gma for help, I'd imagine she wouldn't be) and you know for a fact she's broke, I'd offer. Think of all the things mom has done for you. It might be a nice way to help her out. Then again, she might rather have the money to spend on herself than on your sister.

JCbride2015

scribe95 said:

I would call and ask your mom what is going on with her financial situation that she can't even get her daughter a token gift? This sounds serious.

I know what's going on with her financial situation, at least in a general way.  Cliffs Notes version is she got laid off, spent her severance on buying her boyfriend a car/ paying their rent and his bills, then the boyfriend dumped her.  Now she's trying to run a small business but she habitually makes very bad decisions.  I've been telling her for a year she needs to get a day job, but she refuses because "I can't work for someone else anymore, I have to be my own boss."

I love her, but it's like she's a teenager and I'm her mom.

MrsMack10612

I don't know where in Boston your mom is, but it's not snowing that bad yet here.

Has your mom always been irresponsible with money or is this a new thing because of a recent hardship?

I think if it's a normal thing, then I think your FI as a right to be pissed and I agree to get a few things for your Sis  If this is not normal, than I don't understand his anger and would help her out.

Either way I think it's a nice gesture to make sure Sis has something to open.

ETA:  You posted while I was typing. It sounds like this is a combo of normal/hardship.  I guess the bottom line is don't reward your mother for bad decisions, but don't punish your sis because of mom's bad decisions.

JCbride2015

MrsMack10612 said:

I don't know where in Boston your mom is, but it's not snowing that bad yet here.

Has your mom always been irresponsible with money or is this a new thing because of a recent hardship?

I think if it's a normal thing, then I think your FI as a right to be pissed and I agree to get a few things for your Sis  If this is not normal, than I don't understand his anger and would help her out.

Either way I think it's a nice gesture to make sure Sis has something to open.

I think I wrote my above response while you were typing-- yep, this is normal and it's due to bad financial decisions on Mom's part.  She means well but just doesn't know how to manage money, which is a bad combination when trying to run your own business.  

climbingsingle

Ugh. What a sucky situation. I'm sorry. If I were you, I'd take her out shopping to get something for your sister when she first gets there. It sucks you have to pay for it, but I'm sure your sister will feel terrible when the the only one that didn't get a gift. 

HaileyDancingbear

If I were in your situation I would pay for your sister's gift, just because it's the nice thing to do and it sounds like you don't want her to feel left out.  Wether you say it's from you or your mom is something you should talk to your mom about.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm with missax -- I'd do the good deed and have something for your sister to open, and give your mom the credit.

Yes, she's making bad financial decisions, and you and FI are totally within your rights to be pissed off, but she's also probably really embarrassed that she can't afford to buy her daughter a Christmas/graduation/birthday present.

At least, that's what I'd do, if I knew my parents were strapped for cash and feeling embarrassed. If they habitually made bad financial decisions and just expected to be bailed out (like DH's father does), I'd be like, "sorry, tough shit."

misssunshine17

Does sis have something for her? Something similar happened to me. We exchange gifts yearly with a cousin and they ended up making us ornaments, which was very nice, but we spent over $80 on the two of them. I would NOT have cared if we said let's scale back. I know gifts shouldn't be tit for tat, but it certainly does sting. 

That said, I would probably take her out to buy her something small.

MrsMack10612

I'm sorry this is normal.  Would she be open to any kind of financial classes that will help her?  Or would they be a waste of time?

After reading PPs, I think I would probably take your mom shopping to get something for your Sis.  I don't like the idea of bailing her out, but making sure that Sis has something from her mom is more important than making your mom "pay" for her mistakes.