Do you find this bizarre?

Bruins63

I was a BM for my friend a year ago (known her since 3rd grade). Before the wedding day I met the groom one time and since the wedding a year ago I have seen him zero times. Every time we get together he's "working". She says their work schedules only allow them to be together on Friday nights (he's not a surgeon on call or a truck driver or something, he supposedly manages a bar right in their town). She always goes on expensive vacations with friends, not him. I mentioned that my fiance and I are saving up to redo our bathroom so he would be a little upset if I just randomly took $1500 and flew to St. Thomas with girlfriends. Her response was he does what he wants with his money, I do what I want with mine. I understand this to a degree, I don't ask permission to buy a pair of shoes but a trip to the caribbean without him?! Her entire facebook there's not one picture of him....her honeymoon pics are just her, her wedding pics posted are her and the bridesmaids. The whole thing just seems SO strange to me and so opposite of how me and FI are. What's your take??

krizzo17

I wasn't finding this too strange until you mentioned she only posted wedding pics of her and the bridesmaids. I'd get it if she didn't post any wedding photos, but to specifically leave out the groom is odd.

As for the first part, I often go places alone, and my mom does too, because the men we're married to aren't always comfortable in social situations. My dad is also a ridiculous work-aholic, and so yes, he really is at the office at 7pm on a Saturday. And if it works for their marriage, her spending money on a trip with her gfs is no big deal. But the facebook thing is odd - if you hadn't met him at the wedding, I'd wonder if he existed.

...any chance their marriage was one of convenience, for a green card or insurance for one of them?

LakeR2014

krizzo17 said:

I wasn't finding this too strange until you mentioned she only posted wedding pics of her and the bridesmaids. I'd get it if she didn't post any wedding photos, but to specifically leave out the groom is odd.

As for the first part, I often go places alone, and my mom does too, because the men we're married to aren't always comfortable in social situations. My dad is also a ridiculous work-aholic, and so yes, he really is at the office at 7pm on a Saturday. And if it works for their marriage, her spending money on a trip with her gfs is no big deal. But the facebook thing is odd - if you hadn't met him at the wedding, I'd wonder if he existed.

...any chance their marriage was one of convenience, for a green card or insurance for one of them?

This I find odd.  How do you not have a groom in any of the wedding photos?  Are you sure, since this wedding happened last year, that it's not already over and maybe she's just trying to hide that? Or as the PP said, it wasn't one of convenience? 

If you're still worried ask what bar he works at and suggest that you two stop in there sometime to say hi to him.

hikebikebemerry

Maybe he requested that she not put anything up of him on Facebook?

There are so many ways for a relationship dynamic to work, I have plenty of people that I know who operate very differently than we do as a couple, but manage to do a great job making their relationship work.  My FI and I have pretty opposite schedules, so we aren't usually out with friends together, and he misses lots of my work social functions because of his work schedule; so that is understandable.

On the vacation bit, my FI hates the idea of going to a beach.  He wants to be doing something active, and the thought of laying on a beach to him is wasted time off.  He is also *very* fair skinned and doesn't like being in the sun for too long.  However, we've always said that if I really want to go, I can just go with girlfriends.

Bruins63

hikebikebemerry said:

Maybe he requested that she not put anything up of him on Facebook?

There are so many ways for a relationship dynamic to work, I have plenty of people that I know who operate very differently than we do as a couple, but manage to do a great job making their relationship work.  My FI and I have pretty opposite schedules, so we aren't usually out with friends together, and he misses lots of my work social functions because of his work schedule; so that is understandable.

On the vacation bit, my FI hates the idea of going to a beach.  He wants to be doing something active, and the thought of laying on a beach to him is wasted time off.  He is also *very* fair skinned and doesn't like being in the sun for too long.  However, we've always said that if I really want to go, I can just go with girlfriends.

Definitely if it were a one time vacation thing. I have a friend who moved over 1,000 miles away and I have left FI at home to go visit her and her kids. But in the last 2 years this girl has gone to Italy, Romania, Iceland, and St. Thomas all separate trips all with friends. And it's not like those are all beach destinations that he would hate. So I just can't wrap my head around that.

@LakeR2014 that's a really good idea, I should try to see if we can pop in and see him.

 I met his sister when she was a bridesmaid and she seemed totally normal, and neither of them seem foreign. Maybe it really is just what works for them, but she never gushes and says how much she loves him or anything like that.

hikebikebemerry

I say good for her if she's going on all of these awesome trips!  I know so many people who LOVE to travel, but have given up on it because their SO doesn't want to.  Some people hate traveling.  But if you have that gut feeling that she might be trying to hide a broken relationship, the best thing for you to do as a friend is just be there for her, and not push to try and see him/ get him to hang out.  You risk insulting her if she intreprets your curiosity/concern to be questioning the legitimacy of her marriage.

I know that I get annoyed constantly explaining that my FI has to work shitty hours, so that is why we have to spend weeknights/ weekends/ holidays/ etc. apart.  And the restaurant industry is brutal, I was the bar manager of a small, shitty bar for a hot second, and I was pulling 60 hour weeks, minimum.

emmyg65

I get more annoyed by couples who are always together. This is a little odd, but different strokes for different folks.

JCbride2015

Yeah, I think the pictures and constant separate vacations is a little weird.  To post only photos of herself alone or with BMs is just strange.

Maybe they are going through a tough time and this is how she handles it.

Bruins63

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah, I think the pictures and constant separate vacations is a little weird.  To post only photos of herself alone or with BMs is just strange.

Maybe they are going through a tough time and this is how she handles it.

Yea! The weird thing is it's ALWAYS been like that since she met him....she's never posted a single picture of him in 3 years, so it's not like they just got in a fight recently or something. And it's not like he's deformed or anything hahahha. Oh well......?

pittiemama14

I'm really not trying to be snarky so please don't take this the wrong way, but why are you so concerned about it? Why does it bother you they don't have couple pics on fb and she takes vacations with friends? Are you worried that she isn't happy or lonley or that there is some sort of mistreatment of her going on? I'm just trying to see why this is an issue to you. It could just be that this is the way their relationship works, and if that's the case you should be a supportive friend, not a judgemental one.

Bruins63

pittiemama14 said:

I'm really not trying to be snarky so please don't take this the wrong way, but why are you so concerned about it? Why does it bother you they don't have couple pics on fb and she takes vacations with friends? Are you worried that she isn't happy or lonley or that there is some sort of mistreatment of her going on? I'm just trying to see why this is an issue to you. It could just be that this is the way their relationship works, and if that's the case you should be a supportive friend, not a judgemental one.

I don't know, I wasn't really judging her relationship. She is a good friend so I am just curious- it's so different from my relationship- not that either of ours is right or wrong just different. It intrigues me so I was wondering if other people have relationships like this and it's more common than I realize. I'd love to open my horizons and learn if there are a lot more people taking the separate "yours & mine" marriage approach instead of "ours".  

OliveOilsMom

My H doesn't have a fb account, so I try to limit the pictures of him that are on there.  If your friend's H is private, he may have requested that there be no pictures of him.

Separate vacations can be as easy as he doesn't like to fly due to a fear of planes, so he happily lets her go, while he stays home.  Did they drive or fly to their HM?  There are couples out there who purposefully take separate vacations every year.

Ask your friend to go to her H's bar for happy hour once.  If she refuses, make a joking statement that you never see him, even on her fb wall!

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto @OliveOilsMom. A friend of mine is married. Her husband isn't on FB and she rarely posts photos of him on FB. It's just how he prefers it. It's not indicative of them having problems, it's just how he is.

Couggal12

The only thing odd I find is the picture thing on Facebook, but like a PP said it could be at his request.

I have a friend who's BF works Tuesday - Saturday from 2 PM until midnight or 1 AM . He's a manager, so sometimes even later or he has to work OT on Mondays. . Since their only day off together is Sunday, rarely do I see him when we go to gatherings because he's normally sleeping or working.

winelover123

It's odd to me, but PPs summed up reasons as to why he may not be in any fb pictures. I find it odd that they vacation separately, but whatever works for them.

Jells2dot0

If it were me, I probably would think it's strange, but to be honest, my relationship with my DH isn't much different. We do go away together, but I also travel a lot without him. He hates FB with a passion, so I try not to post too much about him. I always run any pics by him first. I also almost never see him. I'm on a never ending business trip and I work 3am-12pm Mon-Sat. I am lucky if I talk to him once a way while i'm gone because of our schedules and the nature of what we do. I'm sure a lot of my friends, especially those with kids, think i'm crazy. However, we have a great relationship and while it's not ideal to be apart, we are closer than ever.

Edit- we also have separate bank accounts, so we often spend money without really chatting with one another. I often spend money on travel and he has no idea what I spent for my arrangements.

WinstonsGirl

DH and I are similar to that in a lot of ways.  He's not on FB, and I use it for me, not us, so there's little to nothing about DH on my profile.  We have a joint account for bills, but the rest of our money is ours separately and we spend it how we please.  It works out well cos he's a bot (lot) of an Apple addict, so he's always buying the new iPad/Iphone etc.  I don't mind him spending the cash cos it's his, not ours.  

We do vacation together, but he's not as in to travel as I am.  I have suggested different rips in the past if he's not interested in a particular location, but he says he doesn't mind going cos I'll be there, so we've rarely gone apart.  It's normally when the trip is for something specific such as work conferences or cheer competitions and one of us can't make it due to work reasons.  

And he rarely comes to certain functions with me.  Close friends, yes, but staff parties with a bring your spouse thing are always no's.  He doesn't know them and doesn't want to listen to me talk shop all night, so I give him a pass and he stays home.  I don't mind.  I'd be bored there if I was him too

Blergbot

I'm not allowed to post pics of my FI on fb, or really online--hence my avatar (I requested that shot specifically so that I could post at least one of our engagement photos online!). It's just a privacy thing. And I don't mention him by name in any of my posts. I find the trip thing a little more odd, but I do know a few couples who are just really independent of eachother.

KytchynWitche

I do think it's a little odd, but whatever works for them, right? My best friend often goes out, and even takes vacations, without her hubby (I've only socialised with him a handful of times) because he's a workaholic who is also not fond of socialising. I find it weird, but clearly it works for them.

What I find more disturbing is her reaction to you saying that you can't spend that kind of money because you're saving for your bathroom reno. Surely your financial business is just that, your financial business? She should respect your situation and your decision, and back off. Or if it's a really big deal for her that you be there then she should be shelling out for your ticket instead of pestering you about your finances.

ZeroOrchestra

Most of these things sound like they are really none of your business. Every couple operates differently.

FWIW, my H is neither a surgeon on call or a truck driver, and we generally have only one or sometimes two nights a week to ourselves.

cruffino

It's weird to me because FI and I are not at all like this, but if it works for them then great.

I know a couple who have a house in the country and an apartment in the city. He works in the city and she is a SAHM. She lives in the country full time. He lives in the city Mon-Fri and comes home to the country on weekends. I find this really strange, but they are happy and it works for them.

So different strokes for different folks. If both partner's needs are met then that's what matters.

Bruins63

Thanks everyone- it doesn't seem quite as odd now that many of you have similar situations! Before I kind of thought if she wants to travel the world and he doesn't, how are they compatible? But I guess people just make it work!

My parents have been happily married for 35 years and they never do anything apart, they even take walks around their block together at night and grocery shop together every Sunday. So that's just what I was used to seeing.