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Bridesmaid change

BrittBearbBrittBearb member
Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
edited December 2013 in Wedding Party

Re: Bridesmaid change

  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 Blue Smokey Mountains
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Okay So originally I asked 5 girls to walk in my wedding. My MOH who I have known for 14 years ( half of which we did not talk) We were really close in college and godmother to each others children, however over the passed year we have drifted apart. We barely talk about anything let alone get any help of planning the wedding. Another one I asked simply because we are related, she didn't even show up to try on bridesmaid dresses. The other three seem to be interested enough but still no planning. I understand this isn't their job but seems like if they were really interested they would want to... However I just feel like I made have made the wrong decision on asking them. I'm just to the point where I no longer want a bridal party. I still have 7 months until the wedding and this upsets me so bad that I get discouraged to even plan anymore.. just don't feel like I should be planning alone.

    well it's no ones job to plan your wedding except for you and your fiance.So you shouldn't feel like you are alone, your fiance should be helping!  Maybe your bridesmaids don't seem interested because it's so far away to them. It's ok to be disappointed but you can't expect them to plan anything. Just relax and keep planning your wedding.
    image
    PrettyGirlLostBlue_Bird
  • Okay So originally I asked 5 girls to walk in my wedding. My MOH who I have known for 14 years ( half of which we did not talk) We were really close in college and godmother to each others children, however over the passed year we have drifted apart. We barely talk about anything let alone get any help of planning the wedding. Another one I asked simply because we are related, she didn't even show up to try on bridesmaid dresses. The other three seem to be interested enough but still no planning. I understand this isn't their job but seems like if they were really interested they would want to... However I just feel like I made have made the wrong decision on asking them. I'm just to the point where I no longer want a bridal party. I still have 7 months until the wedding and this upsets me so bad that I get discouraged to even plan anymore.. just don't feel like I should be planning alone.
    You are way out of line. This is YOUR wedding to plan. It is no one else's responsibility. When is your wedding? No one will be as excited as you. And by the way, you're not alone- you have a fiance.

    doeydoPrettyGirlLostBlue_Bird
  • I'm not understanding what they are supposed to be doing and aren't....
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I realize its my wedding, I was excited to help with my friends when they asked me to be apart I was there when they needed advise on what my opinion was, I don't see how I'm out of line! A MOH is to help the bride keep her stuff together! And please tell me out of all the married couples you know that the fiance really put in a lot of time and effort. By all means if i say what to you think about this he will give me and answer but does not go out of his way to plan. I not wanting people to help but at least seem interested or at least when I ask for advise receive some sort of input. 
  • My husband absolutely was my Co planner. He even sat with me and tied wedding favors! If you're planning something that isn't interesting him, what does that say about your relationship?

    OP, it's also rude to delete your post. You were quoted.
    PrettyGirlLostHisGirlFriday13
  • My FI has def. been part of the planning process. He's researched guest books, gave opinions on things and has even been planning with my mom something secret (very nervous/excited about that!). I understand that it is important to have supportive friends, and that, from a friendship point of view, the wedding party should be supportive and helpful.... however they are not obligated to help you plan or do anything. At the end of the day, it is your wedding and while they are most likely happy for you, they shouldn't be expected to plan for you. I know if I was at bridesmaid I'd be happy to help if asked, but wouldn't take the initiative to do anything as it's not my place to, unless asked.

    Have you asked them to come along to look at things, or for their opinions? Maybe they are willing to help, but are waiting for you to ask? And if they decline, respect that. They have lives and just because they are part of the wedding party, doesn't mean they have to drop everything to help you out. Be understanding of them and just make it clear that you want them to be involved because it would give you a chance to hang out with them more as you value their friendship (and not because you want the help and expect it).

    If you just don't feel like they are "interested" enough... well that's because they won't be as interested as you. They aren't getting married... you are. Are you looking for them to squeal when you show them centerpieces? Some people aren't wedding obsessed and therefore don't actually care about these things. It has nothing to do with you, or how much they care about you, but maybe they just don't get into weddings. I know I don't... and even planning my own, I find it hard to care about a lot of things others get really into. This doesn't mean I don't care about my wedding, or my marriage, it just means that I find a lot of the details unimportant in the big picture of things.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • erinbethperinbethp member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    My FI has def. been part of the planning process. He's researched guest books, gave opinions on things and has even been planning with my mom something secret (very nervous/excited about that!). I understand that it is important to have supportive friends, and that, from a friendship point of view, the wedding party should be supportive and helpful.... however they are not obligated to help you plan or do anything. At the end of the day, it is your wedding and while they are most likely happy for you, they shouldn't be expected to plan for you. I know if I was at bridesmaid I'd be happy to help if asked, but wouldn't take the initiative to do anything as it's not my place to, unless asked.

    Have you asked them to come along to look at things, or for their opinions? Maybe they are willing to help, but are waiting for you to ask? And if they decline, respect that. They have lives and just because they are part of the wedding party, doesn't mean they have to drop everything to help you out. Be understanding of them and just make it clear that you want them to be involved because it would give you a chance to hang out with them more as you value their friendship (and not because you want the help and expect it).

    If you just don't feel like they are "interested" enough... well that's because they won't be as interested as you. They aren't getting married... you are. Are you looking for them to squeal when you show them centerpieces? Some people aren't wedding obsessed and therefore don't actually care about these things. It has nothing to do with you, or how much they care about you, but maybe they just don't get into weddings. I know I don't... and even planning my own, I find it hard to care about a lot of things others get really into. This doesn't mean I don't care about my wedding, or my marriage, it just means that I find a lot of the details unimportant in the big picture of things.

    EDIT- deleted comment below as it was a double post.
    BrittBearb
  • erinbethperinbethp member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
  • Okay, Instead of everyone freaking attacking me I thought I might get support here! There is nothing wrong with my relationship, he is fine with helping with anything that I ask. Obviously where I am from things are much different. Our men are more excited to marry us than details of the wedding. And I said absolutely nothing about the BM being slaves to me! And the reason I deleted the original post was because I dont know how to delete the whole damn thing. Because instead of getting anything positive on here from other brides I'm being bullied into thinking that I'm some horrible bridezilla for wanting my friends to be happy and excited with me! No need to respond back unless someone could be kind enough to help me delete this. Thank you
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You said you understood this isn't their job, but yet you're complaining. Relax. You're right. It's not their job to help you plan. They'll be more excited as the event approaches.
    BrittBearbdoeydoPrettyGirlLostRebeccaB88
  • No what I was hoping to hear was "It's okay to feel this way" or maybe its normal for the girls to not be as involved. I didn't expect for people to tell me to take a look at the relationship that I have with my FI. Maybe I have issues with the girl I have in my wedding and that's making me feel worse. Is that my MOH and I don't have a relationship anymore. I'm upset because I always thought my BF would be there with me to make decision. I'm not wanting to bully anyone into anything. I'm hurt not childish, everyone gets hurt! I've asked them for help, I've talked to them about getting together. I send group messages and get no responses. My fiance is supportive of me and tries to help, he has come to all venues with me and we decided on the one together. He helped with invitations and picking out favors. But the truth with him is he doesn't care about the little details, he just wants me to walk down the aisle to him and become his wife. This is why I felt I needed more support from my girls on details, this is where I feel alone. I don't expect total excitement, My questions have been simple I need help with this do you like a or b better and I still can't get input. I'm sorry that I got offensive, but I truly felt attacked.
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @BrittBearb - My FI has helped me plan very little for our wedding. He's excited to get married and we have a great relationship, but party planning just isn't his thing. I know a lot of groom's that have been like that as well. I don't think there is anything wrong with your relationship.

    As for having someone to bounce ideas off of and things like that, if your BM's aren't interested in that is there someone else who would be. My MOH is awesome and has done a ton of stuff with me because she wants to and is really excited. My BM's really haven't because they have a lot of other stuff going on. My mom also isn't interested in wedding stuff. That one was disappointing to me even though I knew to expect that. My FMIL and FSIL have been awesome though and even send me pinterest pictures and ideas for the wedding and have wanted to go to appointments and shopping with me. Maybe you could find someone like that to bounce ideas off of instead of just your bridal party.
    image
    BrittBearbPrettyGirlLostmajesty318Alexandrathgr8
  • @Tammym1001 Thank you! I may just have to find others to be there to help me when I get to a point where I'm just unsure.

    @ClimbingBrideNY Yes I can make decision on my own. But have you honestly never looked at 2 things and liked them both equally but could only have one? That's the help I'm talking about. Not everything about planning my wedding can I visualize completely so I may have a question on envisioning the tablecloth with the center pieces I pick out.
  • It's not a pass on being interest in the wedding itself. He is a man, I don't expect him to care about the type of flowers I carry,

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2013
    It's not a pass on being interest in the wedding itself. He is a man, I don't expect him to care about the type of flowers I carry,


    Where are you from that the men only care about marrying their woman and aren't interested in wedding details?

    Also, you admit you asked women you barely care about to stand up in your wedding; why are you surprised they aren't jumping through hoops for you?


    AddieCakePrettyGirlLostBlue_Bird
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Can we nix the "being attacked" and "being bullied" nonsense because neither of those things even remotely came close to occurring.

    PrettyGirlLostAshleyNicole1218
  • Yes I admit to one of the girls i don't really care out but shes family, not surprised about her. They other We were best friend until I got engaged and started planning the wedding now its almost impossible to meet. So her I do care about. And where I'm from really shouldn't matter but we live in the south.

    My FI was interesting in venue, cake, food, photographer, videographer, helped pick out invitations. My point isn't about him not being involved its about little things. It's a lot of little details that I never dreamed would be thing you would have to decide on and things that probably no one else will remember.

    I'm upset that I asked these girls, I did it fast at the very beginning out of excitement, but I surely cant ask the cousin to step down.

    Thank you for the help I did receive, it has now just been the same thing. I got it, the girls may get excited closer to the wedding, my groom should be more involved. Thanks.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    @Tammym1001 Thank you! I may just have to find others to be there to help me when I get to a point where I'm just unsure.

    @ClimbingBrideNY Yes I can make decision on my own. But have you honestly never looked at 2 things and liked them both equally but could only have one? That's the help I'm talking about. Not everything about planning my wedding can I visualize completely so I may have a question on envisioning the tablecloth with the center pieces I pick out.
    For situations like that, I ask my FI. I don't bother my friends. My wedding is not the most important thing in their lives. I don't badger them with stuff like that. It's annoying. Or I'll ask my mom or FMIL. 

    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleupBlue_Bird
  • just don't feel like I should be planning alone.

    .
    Do you have a fiance
  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    Yeah, it's really not "okay" to complain about your friends not helping you with your wedding...
    It's not a pass on being interest in the wedding itself. He is a man, I don't expect him to care about the type of flowers I carry,

    ^^ That right there, is an untrue generalization. I know that you continued in another post, but that needed to be addressed. My FI has been very hands on with the planning process because we are looking at it as something special for the two of us to share. Therefore, when a decision on a little detail needs to be made and it isn't important to him, I realize that if its not important to him, the groom, then its sure as heck not going to matter to anyone other than myself. 

    It's not anyone's job to be excited for how you wear your hair or what your shoes will look like, and the more resentful you become, the more your relationships will suffer. 

    Edited: Deleting the original post won't make the replies go away!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I realize its my wedding, I was excited to help with my friends when they asked me to be apart I was there when they needed advise on what my opinion was, I don't see how I'm out of line! A MOH is to help the bride keep her stuff together! And please tell me out of all the married couples you know that the fiance really put in a lot of time and effort. By all means if i say what to you think about this he will give me and answer but does not go out of his way to plan. I not wanting people to help but at least seem interested or at least when I ask for advise receive some sort of input. 
    My fiance helps plans a ton. Just saying. And when I need to bounce ideas off of people, I use my parents. Hey, you never know yours might just be as excited to willing to let you bounce ideas off of.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    PrettyGirlLost
  • My H was very involved in the wedding. He picked the venue, along with where the ceremony, first look and reception would take place. He selected the menu from the caterer, designed the invitations, hell he took longer picking out a tuxedo then I did for my wedding dress! He also had lots of opinions about the flowers, colors, you name it. So frankly I disagree with your statement about the groom being disinterested in planning. As for wanting someone to feign interest you can come here and share your ideas with us. That's what we're hear for. I got the opinions of the girls on here before we made a lot of decisions, both etiquette and non-etiquette.
    Anniversary
  • If you want some thoughts from your BMs, did you try doing something like shooting out an email asking what they think of X, Y, or Z? It's a low pressure way to get some feedback. They can respond if they want, but don't have to. I have one BM that loves this stuff, but the rest we mostly just talk about schedules, whether they want me to book them hair and makeup, and which dress they liked. My FI's sister doesn't even respond, so I just bought her dress and handed it to her one day when she came to visit. She's in college and super busy and doesn't have a lot of extra money to spend, so I totally get it. You picked these girls for a reason, but they have lives of their own too, so just be happy with whatever they can do.
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