Difficult Situation with Future In-Laws

HisGirlFriday13

mobkaz said:

GrrArgh said:

1. (his sister with a jr bridesmaid) refusing to show up for final fittings because they're sure their little snowflake's stuff will fit just fine - the seamstress was requesting a final fitting because she had made test garments for them to fit them in and has now cut from good/final material

2. Offering at length to help... the entire process.. and every time I find something I REALLY need help with... Too busy! in this particular case I needed FMIL to call the folks on their part of the guest list that didn't RSVP.. it was like 6 people all of which she did not provide me with phone numbers for or I would have done it myself. She told me she was too busy to call them, they probably aren't coming anyways. I asked if she could at least get me their numbers, that was a week ago still nothing. 

and 3 and most important of all... it's like my FMIL is erasing my FI from her life... He has several siblings all whom are married and has done this to none of them... she's given him his baby albums and Christmas ornaments and stocking... and it's like she's getting every scrap of him out of her house. It's hugely upsetting him, and I'm just down right confused by it.

This is the only area I may be able to address logically.  In our home, St. Nicholas always gave my kids an ornament to commemorate that particular year.  I started that tradition with the thought that when they moved away, they would have some "starter" ornaments for their first tree.  In hindsight, I now wish I would have purchased doubles for every ornament.  My tree looked particularly sad and stark once the kids took theirs to their new homes.

As far as the rest.....she just seems a little....off.

I hadn't thought about that, @mobkaz, but that's a good point -- my parents did the same thing for us, so I have a bunch of "my" ornaments for the tree DH and I put up this year. But they also kept a lot of them -- like the one that says "Baby's First Christmas" and whatnot.

smalfrie19

HisGirlFriday13 said:

mobkaz said:

GrrArgh said:

1. (his sister with a jr bridesmaid) refusing to show up for final fittings because they're sure their little snowflake's stuff will fit just fine - the seamstress was requesting a final fitting because she had made test garments for them to fit them in and has now cut from good/final material

2. Offering at length to help... the entire process.. and every time I find something I REALLY need help with... Too busy! in this particular case I needed FMIL to call the folks on their part of the guest list that didn't RSVP.. it was like 6 people all of which she did not provide me with phone numbers for or I would have done it myself. She told me she was too busy to call them, they probably aren't coming anyways. I asked if she could at least get me their numbers, that was a week ago still nothing. 

and 3 and most important of all... it's like my FMIL is erasing my FI from her life... He has several siblings all whom are married and has done this to none of them... she's given him his baby albums and Christmas ornaments and stocking... and it's like she's getting every scrap of him out of her house. It's hugely upsetting him, and I'm just down right confused by it.

This is the only area I may be able to address logically.  In our home, St. Nicholas always gave my kids an ornament to commemorate that particular year.  I started that tradition with the thought that when they moved away, they would have some "starter" ornaments for their first tree.  In hindsight, I now wish I would have purchased doubles for every ornament.  My tree looked particularly sad and stark once the kids took theirs to their new homes.

As far as the rest.....she just seems a little....off.

I hadn't thought about that, @mobkaz, but that's a good point -- my parents did the same thing for us, so I have a bunch of "my" ornaments for the tree DH and I put up this year. But they also kept a lot of them -- like the one that says "Baby's First Christmas" and whatnot.

I actually HAVE my first Christmas ornament my mom gave it to me.

GrrArgh

I figured it was something like that, it seems off to me because in my family... I'll get all my ornaments when my parents pass away. the Super strange part is to me, she gave us his stocking. She has kept all the others stockings and most of their ornaments as well and sets them out on christmas morning so everyone has to come by an open things at her house... I guess we wont be doing that? She even gave him an ornament that was clearly made FOR her.. something like "mommy loves me best!" style picture ornament. And a lot of the ornaments she has given him look newer, and he had no memory of them. He then figured out why, she would put an ornament on the tree every year he missed Christmas while deployed or stationed overseas. He has no desire to keep those in particular, they don't remind him of a very good time in his life. I've convinced him to at least keep the handmade ones (he was so irritated by the whole situation he was going to toss everything) then one day when we have kids he and his sons and daughters can put them on the tree and he can be all "I made this for my mommy when I was your age little GrrArgh Jr" 

Sorry guys I know this is etiquette board, I just needed to vent. She really has me baffled, and as best as we can tell she actually seems to be waiting for him to screw this up somehow.... I really honestly think she thinks he's going to knock me up and then walk out. It's why she's so nice to me, but tends to be very sharp with him... I'm the woman he's going to screw over in her mind. 

MoreChocolatePlease

Hi Guys,

 

Apologies for the delay.  The last week was crazy with Christmas shopping and activities. I hope you all had a great holiday if you celebrate and regardless, Happy New Year!  Again, I really appreciate all of your opinions and advice!

 

@nicoann – thanks for your kind words and perspective. That’s a great idea about Skype. I will have to look into that. It definitely helps knowing other people have gone through similar situations with family. You are right – it’s knowing the critical people will be there that is the important thing. But oh how I wish I was a millionaire and could just fly everyone out on a private jet!

 

@HisGirlFriday – Yeah, I know you’re right about not being able to please everyone. I also know weddings can tend to bring out drama in families and I was probably unrealistic to think everyone would just be on board. Oh well…

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It honestly really helps so much hearing other people’s experiences. (PS – I love your DH’s response to granny. I wish I had his balls! I can’t believe her first response was “I’m losing you?” wtf!) You mentioned that you suspected some people didn’t come because of granny. Were you a bit upset or how did you reconcile this (with your relationship with them)?

 

Your suggestion is point on and exactly what I needed to hear. I don’t think they realize the future repercussions of this and will suggest that my FI talk to them. Thank you!!!

 

@wrigleyville – Thank you for the support. I really really appreciate it and also really look forward to your perspectives on the board. (PS – I love your pic! Gorgeous)

 

@csuave – Thank you for your sympathy. I really appreciate it.  It’s difficult but I do think I need to let FI deal with this parents, and like you suggest just try to be sweet about it. We did give his whole immediate family Christmas gifts that we thought was excite them and are relevant to the trip. I think it even worked on his dad a little…

 

@GrrArgh – I just love your name.  And haha! I feel you with the unhelpful FMIL. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. That Christmas ornament thing is so odd. What a bummer…

HisGirlFriday13

MoreChocolatePlease said:

Hi Guys,

 

Apologies for the delay.  The last week was crazy with Christmas shopping and
activities. I hope you all had a great holiday if you celebrate and regardless,
Happy New Year!  Again, I really
appreciate all of your opinions and advice!

 

@nicoann – thanks for your kind words and perspective.
That’s a great idea about Skype. I will have to look into that. It definitely
helps knowing other people have gone through similar situations with family.
You are right – it’s knowing the critical people will be there that is the
important thing. But oh how I wish I was a millionaire and could just fly
everyone out on a private jet!

 

@HisGirlFriday – Yeah, I know you’re right about not being
able to please everyone. I also know weddings can tend to bring out drama in
families and I was probably unrealistic to think everyone would just be on
board. Oh well…

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It honestly really
helps so much hearing other people’s experiences. (PS – I love your DH’s
response to granny. I wish I had his balls! I can’t believe her first response
was “I’m losing you?” wtf!) You mentioned that you suspected some people didn’t
come because of granny. Were you a bit upset or how did you reconcile this
(with your relationship with them)?

 

Your suggestion is point on and exactly what I needed to
hear. I don’t think they realize the future repercussions of this and will
suggest that my FI talk to them. Thank you!!!

 

@wrigleyville – Thank you for the support. I really really
appreciate it and also really look forward to your perspectives on the board.
(PS – I love your pic! Gorgeous)

 

@csuave – Thank you for your sympathy. I really appreciate
it.  It’s difficult but I do think
I need to let FI deal with this parents, and like you suggest just try to be
sweet about it. We did give his whole immediate family Christmas gifts that we
thought was excite them and are relevant to the trip. I think it even worked on
his dad a little…

 

@GrrArgh – I just love your name.  And haha! I feel you with the unhelpful FMIL. I’m so sorry
for what you’re going through. That Christmas ornament thing is so odd. What a bummer…

You're welcome! Honestly, DH was more off-put by it than I expected, given that he invited them largely to please his grandmother. He seemed offended that they didn't come, even though we don't see or socialise with them outside of obligatory family functions.

I don't care one way or the other; I just figure it releases me/us from future family obligations with them.

It bothered DH that his grandmother sabotaged it, though, and it has seriously impacted his relationship with her. She'll say, 'You must do X because it's family' and he'll be like, 'Yeah, no I don't.'