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FMIL VENT (only semi-wedding-related)

OH. MY. WORD.

So, my FMIL and I have had our spats in the past. She didn't like me at all, and is only just starting to warm up to me. I still haven't entirely forgiven her for getting drunk, calling my mom, and telling her I'm a whore. So there's already plenty of tension there.

When it comes to wedding stuff, we totally disagree. I want a small, intimate wedding with only close family and friends. She wants a 350-guest blowout with everyone she's ever met. She offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but only if her entire extended family (over 40 additional people) could be invited. I declined.

This year, they've decided to reinstate the family tradition of going to the beach over the summer. FMIL and FFIL decided that the week of July 4th would be best for everyone (probably true) and started looking for cottages. I told her repeatedly that because of our jobs, FI and I would not be able to come for the whole week.

Today she sent out an email to the whole family stating that 1) a bedroom was reserved for FH and I for the week, and 2) everyone has to pay $980 for their room, including $500 due in January.

For FI and I, $1000 is a lot of money. We're already stretching our budget thin to pay for our wedding, and we also have a honeymoon to take this year. Where does this woman get off deciding how and when we will spend our money???

I am furious.
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Re: FMIL VENT (only semi-wedding-related)

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    That is obnoxious. FH needs to have a talk with her, and tell her that you both specifically and repeatedly stated that you would not be able to attend for the whole week and $980.00 is too much for you guys to pay. I'm sorry you have to put up with this nonsense.
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    doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    I think your FH should say "Sorry Mom, but we can't afford that and we have to work.  So we are not able to go."  If she want to change the plans to somewhere and time cheaper so that everyone can attend, then she can.  If not, then you just can't go.
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    1. Seriously forgive her for the drunk phone call already. You're being incredibly childish letting a small mistake damage your relationship with her.
    2. You never mention what your Fi wants for your guys' wedding.
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    Teddy917 said:
    1. Seriously forgive her for the drunk phone call already. You're being incredibly childish letting a small mistake damage your relationship with her. 2. You never mention what your Fi wants for your guys' wedding.


    1. if my FMIL called my mother and told her i was a whore, it would take me a pretty long time to get over it.  if i ever did.  holding a grudge in that situation is a heck of a lot less childish than the FMIL's actions were.

     

    2. agree.  as long as OP and FI are on the same page, just ignore FMIL.  But absolutely FI should be the one dealing with her.  not OP.  clearly she doesn't listenn to or respect OP, so her son is going to have to get involved.  immediately.

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    Swazzle said:
    Teddy917 said:
    1. Seriously forgive her for the drunk phone call already. You're being incredibly childish letting a small mistake damage your relationship with her. 2. You never mention what your Fi wants for your guys' wedding.
    Is there background info on this that I'm missing? 

    I wouldn't view it as a small mistake and it would not be easy for me to forgive my MIL if I were in OP's shoes.

    Exactly, being called a whore by my MIL would take a VERY long time to get over. I would also like to know the back story.

    Have your fi talk to his mom about the trip.

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    Inkdancer said:
    OH. MY. WORD.

    So, my FMIL and I have had our spats in the past. She didn't like me at all, and is only just starting to warm up to me. I still haven't entirely forgiven her for getting drunk, calling my mom, and telling her I'm a whore. So there's already plenty of tension there.

    When it comes to wedding stuff, we totally disagree. I want a small, intimate wedding with only close family and friends. She wants a 350-guest blowout with everyone she's ever met. She offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but only if her entire extended family (over 40 additional people) could be invited. I declined.

    This year, they've decided to reinstate the family tradition of going to the beach over the summer. FMIL and FFIL decided that the week of July 4th would be best for everyone (probably true) and started looking for cottages. I told her repeatedly that because of our jobs, FI and I would not be able to come for the whole week.

    Today she sent out an email to the whole family stating that 1) a bedroom was reserved for FH and I for the week, and 2) everyone has to pay $980 for their room, including $500 due in January.

    For FI and I, $1000 is a lot of money. We're already stretching our budget thin to pay for our wedding, and we also have a honeymoon to take this year. Where does this woman get off deciding how and when we will spend our money???

    I am furious.

    What is your FI's take on all of this?
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    @Teddy917 If she had drunkenly called my mom for almost any other thing, I would be over it. But telling my mother I'm a whore who "effing ruined FI's life" is not okay. Not ever. Maybe if she had ever apologized, I would be more inclined to be okay with it.
    My apologies for the oversight. FI wants the same as I do: intimate wedding, WP-only dinner.

    @Zitiqueen FI is just as shocked and upset as I am. He didn't agree to the beach trip, and he also wants a very small wedding and RD. We are both on the same page, thank goodness for that!
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    Inkdancer said:
    @Teddy917 If she had drunkenly called my mom for almost any other thing, I would be over it. But telling my mother I'm a whore who "effing ruined FI's life" is not okay. Not ever. Maybe if she had ever apologized, I would be more inclined to be okay with it.
    My apologies for the oversight. FI wants the same as I do: intimate wedding, WP-only dinner.

    @Zitiqueen FI is just as shocked and upset as I am. He didn't agree to the beach trip, and he also wants a very small wedding and RD. We are both on the same page, thank goodness for that!
    Then he needs to express this to his mom.
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    KatWAG said:
    Inkdancer said:
    @Teddy917 If she had drunkenly called my mom for almost any other thing, I would be over it. But telling my mother I'm a whore who "effing ruined FI's life" is not okay. Not ever. Maybe if she had ever apologized, I would be more inclined to be okay with it.
    My apologies for the oversight. FI wants the same as I do: intimate wedding, WP-only dinner.

    @Zitiqueen FI is just as shocked and upset as I am. He didn't agree to the beach trip, and he also wants a very small wedding and RD. We are both on the same page, thank goodness for that!
    Then he needs to express this to his mom.
    This. 

    It's his mother, he should be the one explaining these things to her. Honestly, after the phone call she made to your mother, drunk or not, I wouldn't even want to explain anything to her myself. 



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    I would say under notmal circumstances I would tell you to confront the MIL about this right away. However because there is already a history there, since you and your Fi are on the same page he needs to confront Mommy on her blatant disrespect. He needs to make a statement that her behavior will not be accepted by him especially now that he is going to have a wife.
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    YAY! Great to hear!!!

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    I am also on the crazy FMIL/in-law train. It's a wonderful help that your FI is on the same page as you. Stand as a united front again the craziness, and good luck!
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    CLI242009CLI242009 member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Answer Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    KatWAG said:
    Swazzle said:
    Teddy917 said:
    1. Seriously forgive her for the drunk phone call already. You're being incredibly childish letting a small mistake damage your relationship with her. 2. You never mention what your Fi wants for your guys' wedding.
    Is there background info on this that I'm missing? 

    I wouldn't view it as a small mistake and it would not be easy for me to forgive my MIL if I were in OP's shoes.

    Exactly, being called a whore by my MIL would take a VERY long time to get over. I would also like to know the back story.

    Have your fi talk to his mom about the trip.

    I'm on this wagon as well. There is no way if my FMIL called my mother up and basically said I ruined her son's life and that I'm a whore..uh no. That is not so easily forgiven. Just no.

    Agreed, after some time has passed and there was an apology but anything less of that no way in H E double hockey sticks!

    Yay for your FI! It's wonderful to hear that he is on your side and that he is sticking up for the two of you. I'm sorry for those of you with crazy FMILs.....I have to deal with my own mother being mean/sarcastic/snarky, etc. Not my FMIL.
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    First of all, about the inappropriate phone call - I agree, the FMIL was completely out of line and should not have called OP any names and should indeed apologize.  And in a perfect world she would apologize, and it would be a bit easier to forgive.  But in my experience, the more time from the offense, the more likely she will not apologize, and then you are stuck waiting for an apology and feeling resentful.  If it truly creates tension, you should tell her that you felt hurt by her actions and you would like to have a conversation about it.  Hopefully the result of the conversation is the apology that she should have given in the first place. 

    Lastly, well done on your FI to side with you and deal with it.  I hope your FMIL shapes up!  Because it is ridiculous for her to completely ignore you when you said that you couldn't spend a week at the house.  Keep letting her know when her behaviour is inappropriate (either you or your FI) and hopefully she understands when she is overstepping her bounds. 

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    Glad this was resolved and ended on a positive note for you.
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    Inkdancer said:
    Thanks, all. You guys rock.

    At our Christmas celebration with FI's family, our last present was a set of beach towels and a card that said "Your week at the beach has been paid for." I'm not sure if that was the plan all along, but it was nice of them. I still won't be coming for the whole week, since I don't have that much vacation time, but it's nice to be able to go for a few days without the financial stress.
    Maybe it's just me, but this comes off as SERIOUSLY passive-aggressive. It's like she had to tell you in front of everyone that she was paying for you to go, because you wouldn't pay up.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    Inkdancer said:
    Thanks, all. You guys rock.

    At our Christmas celebration with FI's family, our last present was a set of beach towels and a card that said "Your week at the beach has been paid for." I'm not sure if that was the plan all along, but it was nice of them. I still won't be coming for the whole week, since I don't have that much vacation time, but it's nice to be able to go for a few days without the financial stress.
    Maybe it's just me, but this comes off as SERIOUSLY passive-aggressive. It's like she had to tell you in front of everyone that she was paying for you to go, because you wouldn't pay up.
    This was my reaction too, but maybe I'm just cynical...
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    Inkdancer said:
    Thanks, all. You guys rock.

    At our Christmas celebration with FI's family, our last present was a set of beach towels and a card that said "Your week at the beach has been paid for." I'm not sure if that was the plan all along, but it was nice of them. I still won't be coming for the whole week, since I don't have that much vacation time, but it's nice to be able to go for a few days without the financial stress.
    Maybe it's just me, but this comes off as SERIOUSLY passive-aggressive. It's like she had to tell you in front of everyone that she was paying for you to go, because you wouldn't pay up.
    This was my reaction too, but maybe I'm just cynical...
    I would have taken it that way too if she hadn't done it for both us and her other son's family. Since it was just me, FI, FFIL, and FSIL there it didn't come across as weird.
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    Inkdancer said:
    Inkdancer said:
    Thanks, all. You guys rock.

    At our Christmas celebration with FI's family, our last present was a set of beach towels and a card that said "Your week at the beach has been paid for." I'm not sure if that was the plan all along, but it was nice of them. I still won't be coming for the whole week, since I don't have that much vacation time, but it's nice to be able to go for a few days without the financial stress.
    Maybe it's just me, but this comes off as SERIOUSLY passive-aggressive. It's like she had to tell you in front of everyone that she was paying for you to go, because you wouldn't pay up.
    This was my reaction too, but maybe I'm just cynical...
    I would have taken it that way too if she hadn't done it for both us and her other son's family. Since it was just me, FI, FFIL, and FSIL there it didn't come across as weird.
    I don't understand why she initially sent you all the cost information in this case. It's weird to me that she didn't just set it up as a full surprise to begin with. I don't feel it's necessary for you to know the cost of the present if they were going to cover it all anyway. Glad it all worked out though!
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    aefitz29 said:

    Inkdancer said:
    Inkdancer said:
    Thanks, all. You guys rock.

    At our Christmas celebration with FI's family, our last present was a set of beach towels and a card that said "Your week at the beach has been paid for." I'm not sure if that was the plan all along, but it was nice of them. I still won't be coming for the whole week, since I don't have that much vacation time, but it's nice to be able to go for a few days without the financial stress.
    Maybe it's just me, but this comes off as SERIOUSLY passive-aggressive. It's like she had to tell you in front of everyone that she was paying for you to go, because you wouldn't pay up.
    This was my reaction too, but maybe I'm just cynical...
    I would have taken it that way too if she hadn't done it for both us and her other son's family. Since it was just me, FI, FFIL, and FSIL there it didn't come across as weird.
    I don't understand why she initially sent you all the cost information in this case. It's weird to me that she didn't just set it up as a full surprise to begin with. I don't feel it's necessary for you to know the cost of the present if they were going to cover it all anyway. Glad it all worked out though!
    I don't either! It seems weird and almost rude to say "look how much we're spending on you".
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    @Inkdancer - I agree, it's a bit showy with the email and then the present. Could have just been a nice no strings attached present to you both. People are weird sometimes.
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    @aefitz29 Ain't that the truth... and my FMIL takes the cake in weirdness!
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