Wedding Woes

I don't understand him lately...

Well, there's a couple things that have happened in the space of one month.
He gave me the prenup.  It basically said everything goes to him (he makes way more $ than I do), which he has purchased during the marriage (no community property, in otherwords)  It states also, if he dies everything will go to his estate.
I didn't understand parts b/c of the legal wording, and asked him if he would pay my atty. so I could have it expained to me, and not feel so confused about it all.
He refused.  Well, that fight ended with him hiding the prenup from me after I glanced at it once.

2nd thing:
Yesterday, he went out and bought a second car.  Ok, no problem with that right?  wrong!  He picks me up from work, I asked if he was trading his car in or something, and he said, well we need a second car (the transmission went out on mine), He asked me if I liked it I said "it's ok", meaning it's not one that I would pick out, and if it was, it was the wrong color), I asked if it came in any other colors, he said behind us in the lot there was a navy blue one a white one and another gray one like he was driving.  I said I like the white one.  He said he has a black car and it's a pain to keep it clean, he doesnt want a white on. It is pretty much the same deal as theyre all 2013's w/low miles, etc.  He said well, I'm gonna need some money from you for the payments on it.  Wait a minute, he makes a major decision without me, doesn't consider my opinion, and now he wants me to make payments oh, and it's in his name!  Which he said we can switch it over later.....   I was livid.  I think he was thinking this was to be my Christmas present.  That I have to pay for.  I asked him if he would pay for a car I picked out and he said no, he still didn't get the metaphor.  So, anyway he got all mad because I was upset (with good reason)  and said well, he's just gonna give it to his son who can make the payments and I can just go get a junker car on my income, and I can walk to the car on  my way to work because he parks his truck about 1 mile from here.  We have snow up here, so it's a kinda big deal.
I don't get it....Is he just being "guy stupid" or does he seriously think that I should be appreciative of this something I never got a choice on, which I (he says) I have to help him pay for.  Back to the dealership; he said I could take the other car home and he would finish the paperwork.  Well, I texted him when I got home, and asked him if the white one had more miles on it, he replied yes, then I asked if the white one had a sunroof, he said yes.  Well even after those hints ( would have been kinda ok with it if he would have switched it to the white one I liked) he pulls into the drive in the gray one.
I don't know what to say to him, I am still mad.  And, if this ends up to be my Christmas present, I think I'm just gonna spend the whole day in tears.

Re: I don't understand him lately...

  • Something is wrong with that prenup, and you should pick out your own car.  You are driving it - why should he have any say in a vehicle that you want?  I just bought my own vehicle, and I didn't even consult FI on what kind I was getting (except I said I was getting a truck).  It's my vehicle, and aside from making sure I don't blow too much money, it's no concern of his!  The same should be said for you.  And if you are paying for it, get your name on it ASAP!!  Go out and get that white one without FI - if it's in the same price range. 

    Though personally I wouldn't get a white car because rust and dirt shows up too quickly.  But if its what you want, don't listen to me!

  • Ditto all PPs. Why are you even considering planning on marrying this man? Those are HUGE red flags, and ones you should be very, very concerned about. 

    Forget about Christmas; call off the engagement and be thankful you dodged the bullet of marrying an asshole.

    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Just going off of what was posted here, he sounds like he's immature and self-centered in the best case, or manipulative and potentially abusive in the worst case. I have personally witnessed similar situations within my own family and friend circle, and it did not get better after the wedding. You do not deserve to be treated this way. The prenup should protect both of you, and he should not be making decisions for you. Both of these actions point to control issues.

    I do not mean this with any ill-will, but do not stay in this relationship out of fear or because you think you need to. Please carefully think about whether his recent actions are part of a larger pattern; if they are, please consider solo counseling. Your happiness and self-respect are worth more than any wedding deposits.

    I hope I didn't offend you, but this hit a little close to home for me (I saw things like this turn into dangerous control and abuse situations). I wish you all the best.
  • I have to know - do you think these are normal, committed relationship actions?  It's pretty scary to think that you do.

    Let's set aside the "why are you marrying him" question and let's ask "does he really want to get married?"  It really sounds like your FI wants a roommate he can bang.  He wants to share NOTHING with you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.  Think about that.

  • Is this his first marriage?
  • he sounds really controlling. get out quick! 
    Married 10/09/11
    Miss Claire born 5/29/13
    Our Happy Little Family
  • This guy sounds awful.  What are you doing?


    Prenups aren't always bad - they exist for a reason.  It sounds like this guy has a son and makes more money than you do.  If he was a reasonable person, he would just want a prenup to make sure that if your marriage ended he wouldn't be putting himself and by extension his son in a bad financial position.  However, you should NOT agree to anything that specifically gives up your right to community property - that is ridiculous.  Most prenups just say that property that each individual had upon entering the marriage will remain with the original owner if the marriage ends, and that community property is divided equally, or by some close to equal percentage (60/40, 70/30, etc).  I think you're ok with the estate - that basically means that in the absence of a will his possessions would be divided 50/50 between you and his heirs if he were to die.  However, if he has a will, or makes a will during your marriage, you should review it, because he sounds liek the type to completely cut you out of it.


    Fortunately, most of what he's trying to pull here would NEVER hold up in court.  If he made a complicated prenup and you can't afford your own attorney to explain it to you, and he's not offering to pay for you to get an attorney, and you sign it and subsequently get divorced - your lawyer should be able to argue that you were under duress when you signed it and get it thrown out of court.  Just don't accept a payment for signing it.  If you do that, the "duress" thing may not work out.  Also, if he is pushing this on you and offers to pay you to do it, that is a sign that he is aware of this loophole and is trying to close it.  RUN FOR THE HILLS.


    Obviously you shouldn't sign this thing, and you need at a minimum an attorney, probably an attorney and a psychiatrist, and potentially an attorney, psychiatrist, and a labotomy for even being with this guy.  If i were you I'd get out while you still can.

  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    My recommendation is to cut your losses and gtfo. This guy is not worth hanging around. He sounds like a grade A shitbag.

  • My recommendation is to cut your losses and gtfo. This guy is not worth hanging around. He sounds like a grade A shitbag.

    Yup, this is not normal, loving behavior. GTFO.
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  • Hmmm... If i were were you I would make a list of the pros and cons in this relationship. From what I read and looking over people's comments this relationship sounds like a high-maintenance, high-drama relationship. If your dealing with problems like this now, it is only letting you know what your in for if you continue this relationship. Then again I'm only going off what's going on here.

    #1 red flag. I always find it a red flag if a guys brings up the prenup in the relationship. For me what he is saying is that he believes that you are only marrying him for his money and that could be true or not depending on when you met him. I don't know this guys but I'm just going off generics. Prenup is not all bad it could also protect you too if you have something of value to bring in the relationship. Not all prenups have to do with money. If i was a famous writer and i married my husband I might have him sign a prenup so he wouldn't be able to sue for any earnings I made from my sales if we weren't together. If you have nothing to bring to the relationship more and likely that's why he's throwing the prenup at you. To protect himself. Cause it doesn't sound like he's trying to protect the both of you.

    #2 red flag. He buys a car and then wants you to make payments under his name.... That's not good. I wouldn't do that at all. If anything happens in the relationship where it ends, you will be out of a car, especially if you threw payments onto which is in his name. So its almost like leasing the car. Bad for you, good for him. If I were you, the color of the car would be the least of your problems. Also relationships should have some form of respect, so if he's not listening to you now, don't expect that to change anytime soon.

    I think some serious counseling is needed. I've seen this cycle before. Good luck whether or nor you go with it.
  • Thank you all for your responses.  Only have a couple of minutes to respond to you as I have guests coming tomorrow, so here goes,
    We have both been married once, this is our second marriage each.  We both have two kids.  He has a will and a trust.  He is type 1 diabetic and has had that since b4 we dated.
    His last wife took half his savings, and that is (i guess) why he is being such a hard ass with me.
    He has said nothing more on the car but he knows I am unhappy with the situation and had not talked to him for two days.  I will not pay for this car, if I do, I will pay with my personal check written out to the bank so it can be traced should there be any confusion as to who made the payments.
    I have a feeling he will balk at this, but, if I do it, tough.
    I am definately the low wage earner.  He has supported me through being jobless for 2 years after I graduated, (non-traditional student), did give me some shit along the way, but stuck by me.
    I left him last month, thought it was the end.  He told me to get out.  We both had had a few drinks.  So I did.  3 days later, I came back with my dd to get some things I didn't think he'd be there, but he was.  I took some stuff and left.  I got a text, I miss you.....   BLAH.
    He called me the next day apologized, and said I never really wanted you to leave......
    jSince then, every time he gets pissy, I ask him "why did I come back?"  he shuts up.  quick.
    So, that's where we're at, sorry it was all so sketchy at first, I was just really mad, and that's how it came out.  Thanks again.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was with someone like this. You won't like this, but... your choices are to get out for good or buy yourself a burial plot now that you love, because you will be there pretty damn fast. This man is a sick, cruel, selfish, manipulative, and abusive individual. Nothing you've said here that he's done is right. I can't even imagine why you'd have gotten past your first date with him. Trust me, I was there myself. I chose to get out and he's now on his way to prison.
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    DP, but get out. Now.
  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013

    so after you get married, you're on your own? so what is the point of being married to him...?

    i don't believe you get married to have someone financially support you, but essentially you do become this person's partner. so sure you make less money, but if you are married to him, are you really going to keep score over who earns more and who pays more bills? so ultimately, what is the benefit of having the legal tie to him if it sounds like you'll only get screwed with a false sense of security?


    even if he wants to protect his assets and his son (children) - let's say you become very ill during the marriage. how will he handle your medical expenses? will he itemize what he ended up paying for and hand you the receipts for reimbursment? will he tell you that since you only make so much, you can only afford certain medical treatments and you're SOL if you can't?


  • Run girl, run. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

    A prenup isn't necessarily bad, but you should definitely have your own lawyer read through it. If he doesn't understand that, that alone is a dealbreaker. In a successful partnership, each person has the other's best interests at heart. They are able to communicate. They don't make big decisions alone. And they don't hide things from each other.

  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    " He has supported me through being jobless for 2 years after I graduated, (non-traditional student), did give me some shit along the way, but stuck by me."

    This. If he really supported you, he would not give you shit. Please reevaluate your relationship. You said you left him recently, please consider leaving him for good. This does not sound like a healthy, happy relationship. Think about it this way, if DD was with a man like that, how would you feel? Would you want that for her? If not, then why would you want that for yourself? 


  • I guess I'll have to save up in order to leave.  I have nowhere to go, and I'll need a downpayment on an apt.  It might take a while, in the mean time I'm gonna get some counseling, it's not like I haven't been through this b4, my exhb was a violent man, but FI is nothing like him.  He's a bit of a skinflint and gets stressed if he's not making enough money.  He is way more of a 'gentleman' as well.  He told me he would never lay a hand on me, and I believe him.  I think his first marriage ended over money, and he was not taking care of his diabetis, and was having a lot of reactions, and his ex would have to take care of him or call an ambulance.  But his dd told my dd in confidence, that they used to yell a lot about money, and him not taking care of himself.  He does take care of himself now, and goes to the gym too.  He does love me, and improves when I tell him he's screwed up.  So, it's not all bad, communication is the key thing, though b/c he clams up like no other but I can usually get him to open up if I do it in a non accusatory way.  I watched for the abusive red flags, believe me, and other than the secretiveness about money, crankyness when he's stressed (about money)--that was the shit I got along the way, and I think every husband/wife does it to each other once in a while, even when they dont mean to.  I'm not trying to make excuses, but for every action there is a reaction, and I know the fact that I left him for a month made a difference, as it would for any guy who is in love with his girl.  And the car was not my gift yesterday, he bought me a beautiful gold and diamond necklace.
    Anyway, I AM going to start saving, and if this is all for naught (which I hope it's not true, I do love him, but honestly, I've been wrong b4).  Also, we haven't set a date yet, anyway.  We were planning to elope since we don't want all the 'hoopla' since we both had it already with our ex's.
    And just have a party at home.  So, whatever, see what happens.
  • Just an FYI ..... It doesn't matter what name is on the checks that make the payments for the car... The owner is the name on the paperwork of the loan and with dealership!!!!! You should NOT make payments on something that you may never get possession of.
  • If you decide in the end that you are really going to leave him don't save up wile living with him just to get out. It isn't the right thing to do if he doesn't know what's going on, and you will feel worse about leaving him in the end. You left for a month before. Can't you go where ever you went then? Friends? Family? if you are still thinking things over that's one thing, but if you come to the decision to leave him you have to actually leave him despite the difficulty. IF not you would not only be using him under false pretenses, you would also feel guilty and have a harder time leaving once the money was saved. One more thought. It might just be that he does love you... but he is getting cold feet and doesn't want to marry you anymore, so he is subconsciously sabotaging things, and making the prospect an unhappy one for you. his past fears can do that.
  • I cant go back to the other place, it has been rented.  I am saving not just b/c of him, but for myself and kids as well.  Friends, no room for me and too far from work, since I have no car at the moment, family all over no one close by. 
    I have stood on my own feet.  After I left my ex, I was a single mom of 2 who work part time jobs and went to school full time, got my bachelors degree--only took me 7 years, lived on welfare(for about 1 month for the food, still on for the medical), kids on free lunch, for 9 years.  I applied for and received several grants to help put myself though college (but still have student loans) and at the age of 49, graduated.  Oh, and one of my kids has special needs (LD, etc), so I handled IEP's, and therapy, medical appts/meds, all those things for her too.  I dated rarely, there was one guy I dated for a year, but decided he was too much drama for me, so I took some time off from it.  Yes, I know it's tough out there, and no, I am not attracted to guys so they can "pay my way".  FI knows this, he's seen it first hand.  I met him about 1 year b4 I graduated and we've been together since.  After my grad. I could not find work.  It is REALLY HARD to find a job as an older adult when you are competing with all the other younger grads....I've had endless interviews, temp. jobs, seasonal jobs, and finally this job where I'm at, but it's not exactly what I went to school for.  I was out of full time work for 2 years.  I continue to look for better jobs. 
    So, like a snowball, the debt came in, car repo'd, the whole 9.  Kinda stuck where I live, not that I want it this way, I am not attracted to whoever can care for me, and I am trying not to take offense, b/c I know you couldn't have any way to know my personal circumstances, as I would not know yours, I am working on getting back on my feet, kids are staying with grandma, and since they're both over 18 now, they like it b/c she spoils them.  I have my dd in some programs which help her to find work, and she also volunteers, my son, is in college.  So, here's mom, trying to pick up the pieces of her life (again), That's about the gist of it.
    I love my FI, and I hope upon hope that it's just him being "stupid guy" by some of his actions, because he has not mentioned the car since we had the "discussion" and this morning I asked him why he was going into work today  (I thought he had off)  his answer:  "I have another car payment to make, gotta go to work"
  • Also might add, I made it to every single LL baseball game, HS baseball game, and 5 different travel baseball teams I got my son, yes, I did go it alone for some time, just me and my 2 kids.
  • The red flag here for me is "his first wife took half HIS savings". Why was it not THEIR savings? That is typically what happens in divorce. Assets are divided in half.
    Fran1985 PrettyGirlLostVivandiere8themuffinman16
  • The prenup sounds fishy. Agree with @redheadtmk, assets get to split in half upon divorce, didn't he know that? It would be a very unhealthy marriage if he always reminds you how much $$ he spent on you. 

  • A guy can be better than your abusive ex and still be an awful, undateable jerk.  That's exactly what this guy is.  Throw him back and get a roommate, a platonic one.
  • And it must be said...

    4 men in the world. 
  • OP, as someone who was almost in an emotionally abusive marriage, I ask you to really step back and try to look at your situation objectively.

    Love is great, but is not enough when there are issues like there seem to be here for you.

    From your posts, your FI sounds at best inconsiderate, untrusting, and controlling.  At worst, manipulative, dishonest, completely self-absorbed, and potentially abusive.  It sounds like he is using his higher income and prenup to get you stuck doing whatever he wants you to do because you won't have other options.

    I know you probably wrote the first post when you were upset, and maybe he isn't those things.  But please, please, honestly and objectively look at this and re-evaluate where you should be with this relationship.  I know we don't know the whole story... but please, please try to objectively look at this and see if this relationship is healthy or stable or positive for you.

    Him not being violent or physical is not enough.  Control and manipulation are forms of abuse, too.

    No marriage is infinitely better than an unhealthy or abusive one.
  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 The Concrete Jungle member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, I read your prior posts. You have been going through this crap for  OVER A YEAR. In January of 2012 you wrote that your wedding date was on 4-12, but that he still would not give you an exact answer as yo whether he wanted to get married on that date or not. It is now January 2014, and you are still not married. Please think carefully about this situation you are in.


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