Chit Chat

FILs ignoring our boundaries (long rant)

JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
edited December 2013 in Chit Chat
CNs: We told FILs we would come over their house in the afternoon, they started whining for us to come over early in the morning to open presents like we are still kids.  Fi's siblings are all in their twenties and FILs expect us not to have our own lives.  Fi dealt with it but I'm annoyed.

I was feeling so low-key and looking forward to seeing FILs for Christmas, until it actually happened, at which point everything went to shit.

While at FILs last night, Aunt asked us to arrive at her place around 4PM for Christmas dinner; great.  Fi says to FPIL: "Why don't we come over tomorrow before we go to Aunt's house so we can exchange gifts-- maybe around 2:30?"  FPIL says, "Oh, you aren't coming for breakfast?" Fi: "No, we want to stay home in the morning.  We'll come over in the afternoon."  FPIL: "Ah, I remember those years before kids.  Okay."

As we're walking out the door at 1:30AM (!!!), FMIL asks us what time we're coming over.  I say early afternoon.  FMIL: "How about 10:30 or 11:00?  We're having brunch."  Fi: "No, it's already really late and we want to get some sleep."  FMIL: "You can't try to make it earlier?"  Me and Fi pretty much simultaneously: "Nope."

So you can guess what happened.  This morning, it's 10:30, we're rolling out of bed, making coffee, and FMIL, then FSIL, start blowing up Fi's phone.  Fi kept telling them to just go ahead and open the presents, and FMIL starts pitching a fit (texting and calling) that they can't open the presents until we get there.  WE HAVE NEVER DONE IT THAT WAY.  Ever.  And I have no idea why they would expect that after we definitely told both of them "No" last night.

To Fi's credit, he did not actually let me see any of the texts and he held his ground on the phone, and told them to go ahead without us, it was never in the plan that we would come over early, just start and we'll get there when we get there.  We got there at 2 (when we said we would), and things were tense and awkward.

It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts.  FILs' children range in age from 21 to 28 (Fi is oldest).   It's just like they want us all to still be kids.  And Fi's siblings aren't helping by still being joined at the hip to FPILs.  Heck, Fi and I are figuring we probably only have one or two more Christmases before WE have kids in tow, and we want the holidays to be quiet while they still can be.  

I think Fi handled this the best way he could at the time.  He said he's going to have a talk with his parents soon about their expectations for holidays (FMIL gave us a lot of guilt when we spent Thanksgiving with my dad.... like we do every single year).  I'm just sitting here super frustrated, because my Christmas turned into a big stress-fest.  *scowl*

Edited: cutting some length and adding CNs.
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Re: FILs ignoring our boundaries (long rant)

  • hlvonbhlvonb member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2013

    I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with it. The holidays always make people crazier than normal. I do agree that your fiance DID handle it as well as he could have and good job sticking to your guns and sticking to what you told them. 
  • Sounds like you have a good future husband that will stand up for his wife.. :) but I feel your pain regarding in-laws and refusing to follow boundaries..  my fiance is stuck between his parents and me when it comes to any holiday celebration until we're on our own.. hope you had a Merry Christmas despite the craziness.. :)
  • Thanks all.  I was so proud of Fi, I didn't even have to tell him to handle it by himself-- he just did.  <3

    I really love them, and generally enjoy spending time with them.  I had fun at their house Christmas Eve even though we stayed super late.  But something about the holidays this year has brought out the extra crazy.  I wonder if it's because their two oldest sons are now engaged and they're worried their nest will be empty soon.  FBIL, his Fi, and her mom AND brother all slept over at FPILs' house last night.  I worry that they spend so much time with FILs to appease them, and it ends up making Fi and me look like the bad guys.

    Fi will be having a talk with them soon.  And I won't be there.  :)
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  • Wait, wait, wait.

    Your FBIL's F'S MOTHER -- a grown - ass woman with children of her own AND HER SON-- spent the night at her daughter's FILs house on Christmas Eve so that her daughter could be at the beck and call of her FILs.

    Is that what you're telling us?

    Because she and her mother are setting your FILs up for a world of disappointment if that's the precedent they're setting.

    And no, there is NO WAY you and FI can compete with that level if crazypants.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • @HisGirlFriday13: Yes to all of the above.  They were all in their PJ's, opening presents around the tree this morning.

    It's totally crazypants, we can't compete with it, nor do we want to try.  They are setting up WAY nutty expectations.  The problem is, since FPILs look at FBIL and his Fi's behavior, Fi and I acting like independent adults is totally unreal for them.  
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  • Blessed. Lord. God.

    You have my sympathies. And yes -- up against that, any level of independence is going to seem like treason.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I will never understand people who treat their grown children like little kids on the holidays and act like the day won't begin or move forward unless EVERYONE is there.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Yikes! Why can some parents not let their traditions go. Things have to change, new ways formed and new things can ways be enjoyable..

    And I cannot imagine even asking my mother and brother to spend the night at FI's mother's house. So strange.

  • Yikes. That is crazypants. Your FI is awesome, though. 
  • Wow, your fi should have turned his phone off after he responded to the first call. 
                       
  • The whole thing is NUTS.  The whole family is really all about each other.  For example, most of the cousins only have one or two external friends; they pretty much only hang out with cousins and siblings.  It's sweet that they love each other, but it gets to be too much.

    My family is not as close as I would like us to be, but FILs are so codependent.  Fi and I are trying to go for a happy medium with starting our own baby family.  It's hard.
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  • Holy. I can't get over FBIL's FMIL and FBIL staying over with your FPILs! That's SO weird.

    My FBIL's in-laws always join us for the holidays, but FBIL hosts every holiday gathering, and no one expects anyone to act like we're some deranged version of the Brady Bunch, sitting around in pyjamas on Christmas. That's just messed.


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  • We don't spend the night or anything (that part is strange) but my FILs and my sister's in laws always come over to my mom's on Christmas. My FILs even come to our big family thing on Christmas Eve since my FI's family is so small (it is only his parents and brother).
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
    MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
    There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
    Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • NYCBruin said:
    CMGragain said:
    Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
    MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
    There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
    Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.
    No no no.  This logic applies to things like apple vs. pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  You have always been a fan of pumpkin pie but your in-laws have a (seemingly strange) tradition of eating apple pie.  In that case, you fit in to their plans and enjoy their apple pie and find a different time to have pumpkin pie and don't say a word about it.

    It certainly doesn't apply to much bigger things like planning your entire day around someone else's plans that you never agreed to be a part of.  This is the type of mindset that makes FI tell his mother "if you keep this up, we'll be flying to a different city to spend Christmas with NYCBruin's family next year."  

    As a new family, OP and her FI can and SHOULD start their own traditions.  Those traditions can include as much (or as little...or none at at all) of their respective families' traditions.  
    I agree with both of you.

    To the first bold. This is very true. It's not just about your FI's family or your family, you have to take both into consideration. Especially when it comes to traditions. That is something you and your FI (not to OP specifically but to the board in general) should sit down and talk about. What if FI wants to do one thing that his family has always done, yet you want to do the exact opposite. This should be discussed between the couple and then they should let in laws know accordingly.

    To the second bold: Yeah that did sound very judgmental. My FI's family does exactly this. Everyone comes over in their PJs and we sit around the living room and open our gifts one at a time, starting with the youngest (or oldest) and so on and so forth. This is his mother's way of letting everyone appreciate their gifts. I had to get used to this because my family doesn't do this. So this was something I definitely had to get used to. That was my choice though. And Christmas Day has always been an important day to my FI's mom and dad. So we decided that Christmas Eve is when we will celebrate (when we do) and exchange gifts between the two of us, etc. That was a choice FI and I made together because I know how important this day is to my future in-laws. 


    To the 3rd bold: I agree with this to an extent. Like NYCBruin said, you shouldn't have to plan your entire day around these traditions and customs but also if this is what everyone is used to, then I think the couple should let folks know "hey we have different plans" ahead of time. That way it isn't such a disappointment. I know there are some things you can't plan till the last minute but I just think it's nice to say something to the in laws especially if they're used to things. So it would be expected. (I know it shouldn't be expected but if it's a tradition they've been doing for 20+ years...I would seriously consider letting them know there's a change of plans way before the night before).
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  • CLI242009 said:
    NYCBruin said:
    CMGragain said:
    Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
    MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
    There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
    Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.
    No no no.  This logic applies to things like apple vs. pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  You have always been a fan of pumpkin pie but your in-laws have a (seemingly strange) tradition of eating apple pie.  In that case, you fit in to their plans and enjoy their apple pie and find a different time to have pumpkin pie and don't say a word about it.

    It certainly doesn't apply to much bigger things like planning your entire day around someone else's plans that you never agreed to be a part of.  This is the type of mindset that makes FI tell his mother "if you keep this up, we'll be flying to a different city to spend Christmas with NYCBruin's family next year."  

    As a new family, OP and her FI can and SHOULD start their own traditions.  Those traditions can include as much (or as little...or none at at all) of their respective families' traditions.  
    I agree with both of you.

    To the first bold. This is very true. It's not just about your FI's family or your family, you have to take both into consideration. Especially when it comes to traditions. That is something you and your FI (not to OP specifically but to the board in general) should sit down and talk about. What if FI wants to do one thing that his family has always done, yet you want to do the exact opposite. This should be discussed between the couple and then they should let in laws know accordingly.

    To the second bold: Yeah that did sound very judgmental. My FI's family does exactly this. Everyone comes over in their PJs and we sit around the living room and open our gifts one at a time, starting with the youngest (or oldest) and so on and so forth. This is his mother's way of letting everyone appreciate their gifts. I had to get used to this because my family doesn't do this. So this was something I definitely had to get used to. That was my choice though. And Christmas Day has always been an important day to my FI's mom and dad. So we decided that Christmas Eve is when we will celebrate (when we do) and exchange gifts between the two of us, etc. That was a choice FI and I made together because I know how important this day is to my future in-laws. 


    To the 3rd bold: I agree with this to an extent. Like NYCBruin said, you shouldn't have to plan your entire day around these traditions and customs but also if this is what everyone is used to, then I think the couple should let folks know "hey we have different plans" ahead of time. That way it isn't such a disappointment. I know there are some things you can't plan till the last minute but I just think it's nice to say something to the in laws especially if they're used to things. So it would be expected. (I know it shouldn't be expected but if it's a tradition they've been doing for 20+ years...I would seriously consider letting them know there's a change of plans way before the night before).

    the whole point was that OP and her FI had decided TOGETHER not to go over to his parents that early, and his parents knew that and yet they continued to act like children and threw a temper tantrum when they didn't get their way. I am sorry, being a parent with tradition does not give you right of way to dictate how your GROWN CHILDREDN decide to celebrate the holidays.
    Yup!  Also, to the argument of "well, they should have said something earlier" I'm sorry but why on earth would you expect two people who were NOT planning on spending the night to come over for breakfast.  If OP's FMIL wanted them over for breakfast, she should have properly invited them in advance (and would have found out well in advance that they would not be attending).
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • When we were young parents, we had the pleasure of being awakened at 7 a.m. by excited children who wanted to open their gifts in PJs. Before we had kids, we enjoyed those quiet hours on Christmas morning before heading out to our parents' homes to celebrate with our families. Our parents had to accept those changes. Now, it's our turn to accept changes. My daughter and SIL were married this year. I realize that our family has to adapt if we want all our family members to enjoy our Christmas celebration.

    I put out pre-made breakfast items and coffee for the early arrivals. We had a late lunch to allow my daughter and her husband time for their own quiet celebration. We didn't worry about a schedule. As each set of guests arrived, we exchanged gifts and everyone ate together and had a wonderful time. 

    I agree with CMGragain on one thing,  it was judgey to say the pajama party was weird. They were having fun and there's nothing wrong with that. It
     was also ok to decline the PJ party invitation. To each his own.




    What a great attitude for a mom to have.  Putting pressure on scheduling and guilt about who spends time with whom, and who shows up when, just adds so much stress to the holidays.
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  • edited December 2013
    Thanks. It's our family tradition to be flexible. My parents were kind and understanding when I, the first child, married and wanted to start our own traditions. My MIL wasn't so wonderful. She was jealous and catty about my husband/her son spending time alone with me and splitting the rest of the day between my family and her family. It escalated after we had children. Guess who we preferred to spend time with? The parents who were flexible. I hope my daughter and her husband will WANT to spend time with us. My SILs parents live on the other side of the country, so there will be holidays when they travel and we won't see them at all. That's life.
                       
  • CMGragain said:
    Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
    MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
    There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
    Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.
    @CMGragain... is that your CMGr? How's the grandbaby!?
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