FILs ignoring our boundaries (long rant)

JCbride2015

CNs: We told FILs we would come over their house in the afternoon, they started whining for us to come over early in the morning to open presents like we are still kids.  Fi's siblings are all in their twenties and FILs expect us not to have our own lives.  Fi dealt with it but I'm annoyed.

I was feeling so low-key and looking forward to seeing FILs for Christmas, until it actually happened, at which point everything went to shit.

While at FILs last night, Aunt asked us to arrive at her place around 4PM for Christmas dinner; great.  Fi says to FPIL: "Why don't we come over tomorrow before we go to Aunt's house so we can exchange gifts-- maybe around 2:30?"  FPIL says, "Oh, you aren't coming for breakfast?" Fi: "No, we want to stay home in the morning.  We'll come over in the afternoon."  FPIL: "Ah, I remember those years before kids.  Okay."

As we're walking out the door at 1:30AM (!!!), FMIL asks us what time we're coming over.  I say early afternoon.  FMIL: "How about 10:30 or 11:00?  We're having brunch."  Fi: "No, it's already really late and we want to get some sleep."  FMIL: "You can't try to make it earlier?"  Me and Fi pretty much simultaneously: "Nope."

So you can guess what happened.  This morning, it's 10:30, we're rolling out of bed, making coffee, and FMIL, then FSIL, start blowing up Fi's phone.  Fi kept telling them to just go ahead and open the presents, and FMIL starts pitching a fit (texting and calling) that they can't open the presents until we get there.  WE HAVE NEVER DONE IT THAT WAY.  Ever.  And I have no idea why they would expect that after we definitely told both of them "No" last night.

To Fi's credit, he did not actually let me see any of the texts and he held his ground on the phone, and told them to go ahead without us, it was never in the plan that we would come over early, just start and we'll get there when we get there.  We got there at 2 (when we said we would), and things were tense and awkward.

It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts.  FILs' children range in age from 21 to 28 (Fi is oldest).   It's just like they want us all to still be kids.  And Fi's siblings aren't helping by still being joined at the hip to FPILs.  Heck, Fi and I are figuring we probably only have one or two more Christmases before WE have kids in tow, and we want the holidays to be quiet while they still can be.  

I think Fi handled this the best way he could at the time.  He said he's going to have a talk with his parents soon about their expectations for holidays (FMIL gave us a lot of guilt when we spent Thanksgiving with my dad.... like we do every single year).  I'm just sitting here super frustrated, because my Christmas turned into a big stress-fest.  *scowl*

Edited: cutting some length and adding CNs.

hlvonb

@JCBride2014

I am sorry to hear that you had to deal with it. The holidays always make people crazier than normal. I do agree that your fiance DID handle it as well as he could have and good job sticking to your guns and sticking to what you told them. 

Kohl95

Sounds like you have a good future husband that will stand up for his wife.. but I feel your pain regarding in-laws and refusing to follow boundaries..  my fiance is stuck between his parents and me when it comes to any holiday celebration until we're on our own.. hope you had a Merry Christmas despite the craziness..

HisGirlFriday13

Holy crap!

Sounds like your FI did an awesome job! Good for him.

I would only suggest having him sit his folks down in a week or so, and telling them that what happened on Christmas was unacceptable and cannot happen again. Ever. And that if it does, he and you will not come at all.

They need to know that pushing the boundaries will not be tolerated and that pushing them will have consequences.

JCbride2015

Thanks all.  I was so proud of Fi, I didn't even have to tell him to handle it by himself-- he just did.  

I really love them, and generally enjoy spending time with them.  I had fun at their house Christmas Eve even though we stayed super late.  But something about the holidays this year has brought out the extra crazy.  I wonder if it's because their two oldest sons are now engaged and they're worried their nest will be empty soon.  FBIL, his Fi, and her mom AND brother all slept over at FPILs' house last night.  I worry that they spend so much time with FILs to appease them, and it ends up making Fi and me look like the bad guys.

Fi will be having a talk with them soon.  And I won't be there.  

HisGirlFriday13

Wait, wait, wait.

Your FBIL's F'S MOTHER -- a grown - ass woman with children of her own AND HER SON-- spent the night at her daughter's FILs house on Christmas Eve so that her daughter could be at the beck and call of her FILs.

Is that what you're telling us?

Because she and her mother are setting your FILs up for a world of disappointment if that's the precedent they're setting.

And no, there is NO WAY you and FI can compete with that level if crazypants.

JCbride2015

@HisGirlFriday13: Yes to all of the above.  They were all in their PJ's, opening presents around the tree this morning.

It's totally crazypants, we can't compete with it, nor do we want to try.  They are setting up WAY nutty expectations.  The problem is, since FPILs look at FBIL and his Fi's behavior, Fi and I acting like independent adults is totally unreal for them.  

HisGirlFriday13

Blessed. Lord. God.

You have my sympathies. And yes -- up against that, any level of independence is going to seem like treason.

AddieCake

I will never understand people who treat their grown children like little kids on the holidays and act like the day won't begin or move forward unless EVERYONE is there.

Senecaf

Yikes! Why can some parents not let their traditions go. Things have to change, new ways formed and new things can ways be enjoyable..

And I cannot imagine even asking my mother and brother to spend the night at FI's mother's house. So strange.

climbingsingle

Yikes. That is crazypants. Your FI is awesome, though. 

MairePoppy

Wow, your fi should have turned his phone off after he responded to the first call. 

JCbride2015

The whole thing is NUTS.  The whole family is really all about each other.  For example, most of the cousins only have one or two external friends; they pretty much only hang out with cousins and siblings.  It's sweet that they love each other, but it gets to be too much.

My family is not as close as I would like us to be, but FILs are so codependent.  Fi and I are trying to go for a happy medium with starting our own baby family.  It's hard.

pumpkinsandturkeys

Holy. I can't get over FBIL's FMIL and FBIL staying over with your FPILs! That's SO weird.

My FBIL's in-laws always join us for the holidays, but FBIL hosts every holiday gathering, and no one expects anyone to act like we're some deranged version of the Brady Bunch, sitting around in pyjamas on Christmas. That's just messed.

jdluvr06

We don't spend the night or anything (that part is strange) but my FILs and my sister's in laws always come over to my mom's on Christmas. My FILs even come to our big family thing on Christmas Eve since my FI's family is so small (it is only his parents and brother).

CMGragain

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

pumpkinsandturkeys

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

I have SO many issues with this response. First of all, there was no real 'plan', according to OP, to go over there early in the morning. Her FI offered to go to FPIL's before going to the Aunt's house (which is tradition), and FMIL made a stink when this offer didn't fit into her ideal Christmas vision. Bear in mind that they were also over there on Christmas Eve, too.

OP is now part of this extended family, and is also creating a family of her own with her FI. That's what entitles her to question the pyjama party. Just because you did something as a child doesn't mean that it's appropriate to become a continuing tradition as adults. My parents used to tuck me in at night and cut up my food for me, but it's not appropriate for them to do that now, and if they did, I would really hope my FI would question that and call it out as weird.

Finally, why is it her 'duty' to try to fit in with something she's not comfortable with? She's marrying her FI, not the whole family. Not everyone likes the same things or does things the same way, and that goes for extended families, too. Just because you become part of a family via marriage doesn't mean you need to become exactly like them.

JCbride2015

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

I have SO many issues with this response. First of all, there was no real 'plan', according to OP, to go over there early in the morning. Her FI offered to go to FPIL's before going to the Aunt's house (which is tradition), and FMIL made a stink when this offer didn't fit into her ideal Christmas vision. Bear in mind that they were also over there on Christmas Eve, too.

OP is now part of this extended family, and is also creating a family of her own with her FI. That's what entitles her to question the pyjama party. Just because you did something as a child doesn't mean that it's appropriate to become a continuing tradition as adults. My parents used to tuck me in at night and cut up my food for me, but it's not appropriate for them to do that now, and if they did, I would really hope my FI would question that and call it out as weird.

Finally, why is it her 'duty' to try to fit in with something she's not comfortable with? She's marrying her FI, not the whole family. Not everyone likes the same things or does things the same way, and that goes for extended families, too. Just because you become part of a family via marriage doesn't mean you need to become exactly like them.

Thank you @pumpkinsandturkeys, especially the bolded!

@CMGragain: I think your response was really off-base.  Do you want me to be a doormat?

A little more explanation.  Fi and I have been together for 10 years and have lived together for 5.  In all that time, every single year, this is the tradition: Christmas Eve dinner at FPIL's house, we usually stay really late until the middle of the night.  We go home and have a private Christmas morning together.  Christmas Day sometimes varied (when my mom was local, we would spend it with her), but the past few years we've gone over to Fi's Aunt's house for Christmas dinner.  This does not happen until later in the the day, like 4 or 5.  Sometimes we exchange presents with FPILs at Aunt's house after dinner, sometimes at their house before.  Last year we did not set foot in FPILs house on Christmas Day, we spent the morning alone and then went to Aunt's house for dinner.

We have never ever gone to their house first thing in the morning for a PJ party to open presents.  FMIL didn't have a "party" planned, she wanted us to spend our whole Christmas over at their house.  Fi and I are pretty private people and really enjoy our quiet Christmas at home under our own tree.  They already got us all night on Christmas Eve and all Christmas afternoon and evening.  We made very clear to them on Christmas Eve what our boundaries are for Christmas, they said at the time it was OK with them, and then they did not respect the boundaries.  That's the problem.

And yeah... I will allow there is some judgment going on at least for the part where FBIL's Fi's MOTHER and BROTHER stayed at FPIL's house to open presents in the morning.  These are all adult people, I just don't get why they need this level of codependence.  Fi doesn't get it either and has no interest in living our lives that way.  We are on the same page as a couple.

And as I said in a PP, I love FPILs and usually enjoy celebrating with them.  I have made a lot of concessions to be part of their events over the years, which is usually fine-- Christmas morning is just something Fi and I think is important to have together.

smalfrie19

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

And what about HER families traditions that they aren't adhering to? Her FI is ALSO marrying into a family. Not everyone can partake in EVERY "tradition". There is a time when you say that's not what WE as a couple want to do. It would be totally different if OP's FI were BEGGING her to participate and she straight up told him no or to go alone. But they as a couple made this decision...

NYCBruin

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

No no no.  This logic applies to things like apple vs. pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  You have always been a fan of pumpkin pie but your in-laws have a (seemingly strange) tradition of eating apple pie.  In that case, you fit in to their plans and enjoy their apple pie and find a different time to have pumpkin pie and don't say a word about it.

It certainly doesn't apply to much bigger things like planning your entire day around someone else's plans that you never agreed to be a part of.  This is the type of mindset that makes FI tell his mother "if you keep this up, we'll be flying to a different city to spend Christmas with NYCBruin's family next year."  

As a new family, OP and her FI can and SHOULD start their own traditions.  Those traditions can include as much (or as little...or none at at all) of their respective families' traditions.  

CLI242009

NYCBruin said:

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

No no no.  This logic applies to things like apple vs. pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  You have always been a fan of pumpkin pie but your in-laws have a (seemingly strange) tradition of eating apple pie.  In that case, you fit in to their plans and enjoy their apple pie and find a different time to have pumpkin pie and don't say a word about it.

It certainly doesn't apply to much bigger things like planning your entire day around someone else's plans that you never agreed to be a part of.  This is the type of mindset that makes FI tell his mother "if you keep this up, we'll be flying to a different city to spend Christmas with NYCBruin's family next year."  

As a new family, OP and her FI can and SHOULD start their own traditions.  Those traditions can include as much (or as little...or none at at all) of their respective families' traditions.  

I agree with both of you.

To the first bold. This is very true. It's not just about your FI's family or your family, you have to take both into consideration. Especially when it comes to traditions. That is something you and your FI (not to OP specifically but to the board in general) should sit down and talk about. What if FI wants to do one thing that his family has always done, yet you want to do the exact opposite. This should be discussed between the couple and then they should let in laws know accordingly.

To the second bold: Yeah that did sound very judgmental. My FI's family does exactly this. Everyone comes over in their PJs and we sit around the living room and open our gifts one at a time, starting with the youngest (or oldest) and so on and so forth. This is his mother's way of letting everyone appreciate their gifts. I had to get used to this because my family doesn't do this. So this was something I definitely had to get used to. That was my choice though. And Christmas Day has always been an important day to my FI's mom and dad. So we decided that Christmas Eve is when we will celebrate (when we do) and exchange gifts between the two of us, etc. That was a choice FI and I made together because I know how important this day is to my future in-laws. 


To the 3rd bold: I agree with this to an extent. Like NYCBruin said, you shouldn't have to plan your entire day around these traditions and customs but also if this is what everyone is used to, then I think the couple should let folks know "hey we have different plans" ahead of time. That way it isn't such a disappointment. I know there are some things you can't plan till the last minute but I just think it's nice to say something to the in laws especially if they're used to things. So it would be expected. (I know it shouldn't be expected but if it's a tradition they've been doing for 20+ years...I would seriously consider letting them know there's a change of plans way before the night before).

smalfrie19

CLI242009 said:

NYCBruin said:

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

No no no.  This logic applies to things like apple vs. pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  You have always been a fan of pumpkin pie but your in-laws have a (seemingly strange) tradition of eating apple pie.  In that case, you fit in to their plans and enjoy their apple pie and find a different time to have pumpkin pie and don't say a word about it.

It certainly doesn't apply to much bigger things like planning your entire day around someone else's plans that you never agreed to be a part of.  This is the type of mindset that makes FI tell his mother "if you keep this up, we'll be flying to a different city to spend Christmas with NYCBruin's family next year."  

As a new family, OP and her FI can and SHOULD start their own traditions.  Those traditions can include as much (or as little...or none at at all) of their respective families' traditions.  

I agree with both of you.

To the first bold. This is very true. It's not just about your FI's family or your family, you have to take both into consideration. Especially when it comes to traditions. That is something you and your FI (not to OP specifically but to the board in general) should sit down and talk about. What if FI wants to do one thing that his family has always done, yet you want to do the exact opposite. This should be discussed between the couple and then they should let in laws know accordingly.

To the second bold: Yeah that did sound very judgmental. My FI's family does exactly this. Everyone comes over in their PJs and we sit around the living room and open our gifts one at a time, starting with the youngest (or oldest) and so on and so forth. This is his mother's way of letting everyone appreciate their gifts. I had to get used to this because my family doesn't do this. So this was something I definitely had to get used to. That was my choice though. And Christmas Day has always been an important day to my FI's mom and dad. So we decided that Christmas Eve is when we will celebrate (when we do) and exchange gifts between the two of us, etc. That was a choice FI and I made together because I know how important this day is to my future in-laws. 


To the 3rd bold: I agree with this to an extent. Like NYCBruin said, you shouldn't have to plan your entire day around these traditions and customs but also if this is what everyone is used to, then I think the couple should let folks know "hey we have different plans" ahead of time. That way it isn't such a disappointment. I know there are some things you can't plan till the last minute but I just think it's nice to say something to the in laws especially if they're used to things. So it would be expected. (I know it shouldn't be expected but if it's a tradition they've been doing for 20+ years...I would seriously consider letting them know there's a change of plans way before the night before).

the whole point was that OP and her FI had decided TOGETHER not to go over to his parents that early, and his parents knew that and yet they continued to act like children and threw a temper tantrum when they didn't get their way. I am sorry, being a parent with tradition does not give you right of way to dictate how your GROWN CHILDREDN decide to celebrate the holidays.

NYCBruin

smalfrie19 said:

CLI242009 said:

NYCBruin said:

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

No no no.  This logic applies to things like apple vs. pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  You have always been a fan of pumpkin pie but your in-laws have a (seemingly strange) tradition of eating apple pie.  In that case, you fit in to their plans and enjoy their apple pie and find a different time to have pumpkin pie and don't say a word about it.

It certainly doesn't apply to much bigger things like planning your entire day around someone else's plans that you never agreed to be a part of.  This is the type of mindset that makes FI tell his mother "if you keep this up, we'll be flying to a different city to spend Christmas with NYCBruin's family next year."  

As a new family, OP and her FI can and SHOULD start their own traditions.  Those traditions can include as much (or as little...or none at at all) of their respective families' traditions.  

I agree with both of you.

To the first bold. This is very true. It's not just about your FI's family or your family, you have to take both into consideration. Especially when it comes to traditions. That is something you and your FI (not to OP specifically but to the board in general) should sit down and talk about. What if FI wants to do one thing that his family has always done, yet you want to do the exact opposite. This should be discussed between the couple and then they should let in laws know accordingly.

To the second bold: Yeah that did sound very judgmental. My FI's family does exactly this. Everyone comes over in their PJs and we sit around the living room and open our gifts one at a time, starting with the youngest (or oldest) and so on and so forth. This is his mother's way of letting everyone appreciate their gifts. I had to get used to this because my family doesn't do this. So this was something I definitely had to get used to. That was my choice though. And Christmas Day has always been an important day to my FI's mom and dad. So we decided that Christmas Eve is when we will celebrate (when we do) and exchange gifts between the two of us, etc. That was a choice FI and I made together because I know how important this day is to my future in-laws. 


To the 3rd bold: I agree with this to an extent. Like NYCBruin said, you shouldn't have to plan your entire day around these traditions and customs but also if this is what everyone is used to, then I think the couple should let folks know "hey we have different plans" ahead of time. That way it isn't such a disappointment. I know there are some things you can't plan till the last minute but I just think it's nice to say something to the in laws especially if they're used to things. So it would be expected. (I know it shouldn't be expected but if it's a tradition they've been doing for 20+ years...I would seriously consider letting them know there's a change of plans way before the night before).

the whole point was that OP and her FI had decided TOGETHER not to go over to his parents that early, and his parents knew that and yet they continued to act like children and threw a temper tantrum when they didn't get their way. I am sorry, being a parent with tradition does not give you right of way to dictate how your GROWN CHILDREDN decide to celebrate the holidays.

Yup!  Also, to the argument of "well, they should have said something earlier" I'm sorry but why on earth would you expect two people who were NOT planning on spending the night to come over for breakfast.  If OP's FMIL wanted them over for breakfast, she should have properly invited them in advance (and would have found out well in advance that they would not be attending).

HisGirlFriday13

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

No. It's not. Not even close. It's her duty to be polite and respectful -- assuming their behaviour warrants it -- but it is not her duty to just 'fit in' with whatever her FILS wants.

Presumably the FILs started their own traditions at some point and it seems like OP and her FI want to do that, too, and that's OK.

OP didn't change plans the FMIL had made; they counter - offered and that's allowed.

MairePoppy

When we were young parents, we had the pleasure of being awakened at 7 a.m. by excited children who wanted to open their gifts in PJs. Before we had kids, we enjoyed those quiet hours on Christmas morning before heading out to our parents' homes to celebrate with our families. Our parents had to accept those changes. Now, it's our turn to accept changes. My daughter and SIL were married this year. I realize that our family has to adapt if we want all our family members to enjoy our Christmas celebration.

I put out pre-made breakfast items and coffee for the early arrivals. We had a late lunch to allow my daughter and her husband time for their own quiet celebration. We didn't worry about a schedule. As each set of guests arrived, we exchanged gifts and everyone ate together and had a wonderful time. 

I agree with CMGragain on one thing,  it was judgey to say the pajama party was weird. They were having fun and there's nothing wrong with that. It

 was also ok to decline the PJ party invitation. To each his own.

JCbride2015

I freely admit I was judgmental of the PJ party including FBIL's Fi's mom and brother.  That's the part that was really weird and I don't take back my judginess about it, although of course I would never be rude to them directly over it.  And they are of course free to do whatever they want... just please don't harass us to be part of it after we said no.

We weren't changing plans they had already invited us to (as PPs pointed out, thanks).  There was no invite ahead of time at all.  Fi asked if it would be nice for us to come over in the afternoon, they said they wanted us in the morning, we said no, they proceeded to throw a fit in the morning anyway.  And from a logical standpoint, I still don't understand why, because in the five years Fi and I have lived together, we've never done things this way.  It's not like we were even changing a tradition.  So on that part, I'm just confused.

It is a challenge to meld families at holidays, and it's something we are always working on.  I do appreciate those who take the perspective that we need to compromise and decide as a couple.  And that's exactly what we did: we came to a decision together about what we wanted, and FILs trampled all over it.  Fi did a good job standing up for our decision and held to it.

JCbride2015

MairePoppy said:

When we were young parents, we had the pleasure of being awakened at 7 a.m. by excited children who wanted to open their gifts in PJs. Before we had kids, we enjoyed those quiet hours on Christmas morning before heading out to our parents' homes to celebrate with our families. Our parents had to accept those changes. Now, it's our turn to accept changes. My daughter and SIL were married this year. I realize that our family has to adapt if we want all our family members to enjoy our Christmas celebration.

I put out pre-made breakfast items and coffee for the early arrivals. We had a late lunch to allow my daughter and her husband time for their own quiet celebration. We didn't worry about a schedule. As each set of guests arrived, we exchanged gifts and everyone ate together and had a wonderful time. 

I agree with CMGragain on one thing,  it was judgey to say the pajama party was weird. They were having fun and there's nothing wrong with that. It

 was also ok to decline the PJ party invitation. To each his own.

What a great attitude for a mom to have.  Putting pressure on scheduling and guilt about who spends time with whom, and who shows up when, just adds so much stress to the holidays.

MairePoppy

Thanks. It's our family tradition to be flexible. My parents were kind and understanding when I, the first child, married and wanted to start our own traditions. My MIL wasn't so wonderful. She was jealous and catty about my husband/her son spending time alone with me and splitting the rest of the day between my family and her family. It escalated after we had children. Guess who we preferred to spend time with? The parents who were flexible. I hope my daughter and her husband will WANT to spend time with us. My SILs parents live on the other side of the country, so there will be holidays when they travel and we won't see them at all. That's life.

misssunshine17

CMGragain said:

Every family has it's traditions for special holidays.  You are joining their family, and they expect to include you in their celebrations.  I think that is very nice.
MIL had a party planned, and instead of attending, you told her you would come at a different time.  I understand why she was upset.  How would you feel if you asked someone to a dinner party at 7:00 PM, and they said, "No, that's too early for us.  We usually eat at 9:00 PM.  We'll come then."
There is a bit a judgement in your post.  "It is weird to me that they still all sit around in their PJs together and open gifts."  Who the heck are YOU to judge their family customs?  If they like to open Christmas gifts early in the morning, that's not your call to make.  FMIL was disappointed that you didn't come.  She was going to make brunch.
Remember, you are the newcomer in this family.  It is your duty to try and fit in.  It is not their job to rearrange their plans to suit you.  Try to be more flexible in the future.

@CMGragain... is that your CMGr? How's the grandbaby!?