What to do about an embarrassing guest?

jenna8984

My sister and I are a year apart so we have a lot of friends in common. One girl in particular we've never been BFF but still pretty close. Well....at my sister's wedding a few months ago this girl was a hot mess! She showed up with blue hair and a skanky inappropriately short dress. She drank too much and was all over the dance floor with her dress riding up....to the extent that the photographer literally had to photoshop her butt cheeks out of most of the photos!!!! Not making this up- everyone kept asking who she was and my sister was so embarrassed. Now I'm debating not inviting her to mine...it sucks because we have been friends for 5 years but that behavior I do not want to deal with...is that awful of me? 

(p.s. we're all 30 years old not 21 and it wasn't a one time thing- she gets annihilated every time she goes out) 

netskyblue2

I wouldn't invite her, and I wouldn't feel bad about it.  I wouldn't want to be associated with that kind of behavior on a regular day, much less my wedding day.

climbingsingle

How good of a friend is this girl to you? Do you see each other/hang out often? 

I'd probably not invite her if she was just an acquaintance. 

jenna8984

ClimbingBrideNY said:

How good of a friend is this girl to you? Do you see each other/hang out often? 

I'd probably not invite her if she was just an acquaintance. 

Her and I were actually roommates before I moved in with my FI a few years ago. So we're in the same town and actually do hang out a good deal. That's what makes it hard. 

PolarBearFitz

You said in your OP that you aren't best friends but are still close. If this was a close friend and you didn't invite her she might feel slighted and it may cause a rift in your relationship. That being said it's just something you need to think about when you make this decision.

I personally might sit down and talk to her since you say she gets annihilated every time she goes out. Has she always been this way or is this behavior a new development? Is she going through something? I would further investigate what's going on with her and be there for her as a friend if she needs it.

monkeysip

I agree, this is really more of a friend issue than a wedding issue.  If this is someone you care about staying friends with, then maybe try and talk to her about her lifestyle.  Not in a judgy, I don't think you should party/drink way, but just to see if there's anything going on in her life that she might be unhappy with that causes her to act this way.

If she's resistant or lashes back, maybe you want to reconsider the friendship.  Is this someone you still want in your life?  IMHO, I don't have time in my life for friends that I just tolerate.  I only stay friends with people I care about.

If you honestly care, and she seems receptive to help or advice, then keep the relationship going and stick by her. 

chibiyui

It sounds like your friend has a drinking problem, which I'd be more concerned about then her blue hair or a "skanky" dress.

jenna8984

monkeysip said:

I agree, this is really more of a friend issue than a wedding issue.  If this is someone you care about staying friends with, then maybe try and talk to her about her lifestyle.  Not in a judgy, I don't think you should party/drink way, but just to see if there's anything going on in her life that she might be unhappy with that causes her to act this way.

If she's resistant or lashes back, maybe you want to reconsider the friendship.  Is this someone you still want in your life?  IMHO, I don't have time in my life for friends that I just tolerate.  I only stay friends with people I care about.

If you honestly care, and she seems receptive to help or advice, then keep the relationship going and stick by her. 

True, trust me I do care about her and her personal life. She's in an unhappy place and many of us have tried talking to her and helping her with no luck. She had a miscarriage and a resulting breakup (he was a douche). This was over a year ago and we've all tried to be there for her and help her and invite her to non-drinking events but she self loathes and there's nothing more we can do for her  

MrsDeRuyter87

I would say have a talk with her about your event and tell her you want to invite her but don't want her to find the same kind of trouble she did at your sisters wedding. Inform her that you have her best interest and reputation in mind. Invite her to the wedding but if you have a DOC or maybe put your mother in charge of escorting the friend out or calling her a cab home if she gets out of control.

jdluvr06

Firstly, what is wrong with blue hair? Lol. Seriously though it does sound like your friend has a drinking problem. It might be time to get her family and friends together and do an intervention. At this point I think I would be more concerned with her health than her behavior at your wedding. That being said, I would have a talk with her about her behavior at your sister's wedding and ask her to refrain from acting that way at yours, then have someone keep an eye on her during the reception. I wouldn't not invite her.

Anaelsea

redbull coffee and a babysitter, also, you can tell her not to do what she did at your sis wedding dance floor scene, you can say anything with the right tone of voice, or you can write it on her invitation, "dont freaky up the dancefloor like sis wedding! lol" if you say it point blank and positive tone of voice you can do it, but if youre unsure and uncertainty shows in your tone of voice, shell read into it and get upset

HisGirlFriday13

Anaelsea said:

redbull coffee and a babysitter, also, you can tell her not to do what she did at your sis wedding dance floor scene, you can say anything with the right tone of voice, or you can write it on her invitation, "dont freaky up the dancefloor like sis wedding! lol" if you say it point blank and positive tone of voice you can do it, but if youre unsure and uncertainty shows in your tone of voice, shell read into it and get upset

Stop giving rubbish advice. Seriously, you're all over these boards giving utter crap advice, and you're wrong.

NOTHING you suggested in this post is acceptable behaviour. NOTHING.

lizzypoo96

I agree that it's more of a friend issue than a wedding one. Maybe politely ask her what happened and say that there were a lot of questions at your sister's wedding- and is she ok? Maybe she needs to hear that her behavior was embarrassing and she'll pick up what you're hinting. I do not think you should let it go without talking to her though.

It sounds like she's too much involved in your life for her to be not invited and she truly is going through a hard time. I wouldn't want a mess at my wedding either, but sounds like she needs a friend more right now.

climbingsingle

Anaelsea said:

redbull coffee and a babysitter, also, you can tell her not to do what she did at your sis wedding dance floor scene, you can say anything with the right tone of voice, or you can write it on her invitation, "dont freaky up the dancefloor like sis wedding! lol" if you say it point blank and positive tone of voice you can do it, but if youre unsure and uncertainty shows in your tone of voice, shell read into it and get upset

This has got to be one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever read on this board. What the actual fuck? 

I have a friend situation that is sort of similar. We were best friends from Kindergarten, through high school and well into our 20s and 30s. However, she's developed a bad drinking problem. She's going through a divorce. She's even been arrested twice (which is fucking crazy. This girl was the smart, straight-A, goody-goody when we were growing up). 

We've tried an intervention. She's still drinking. And most of our friends don't have a relationship with her anymore. However, she's like a sister to me and I can't imagine not inviting her to my wedding. So, she will be invited. And I will cross my fingers that she behaves. If she doesn't, oh well. That's on her. It certainly won't ruin my day. 

Amyzen83

@anaelsea - Really??? A babysitter? That is the most insensitive f--d up thing to say about a person w a problem!

Op it sounds like this friend actually means something to you, so I'd just do what pps said and invite her but have a heart to heart with her about her tendencies to go overboard.

Amyzen83

Also when you talk with her please keep in mind that she may be more embarrassed by her own actions than you are and if she gets defensive that's probably why. Handle this situation with sensitivity but still be firm and straight forward

hellohkb

It does sound like she has an issue with drinking. Talk to her in private about your concerns about her drinking. Like @amyzen83 said, she may feel embarrassed and defensive. Be patient and loving. I do agree that not inviting her would cause a rift in the friendship, especially if you're good friends and you see her frequently.

(and how is blue hair embarrassing? Blue hair rules!)

ginger2431

I know this would probably be an awkward situation, but maybe have an actual sit down with her over coffee or something, and address your concerns.  Tell her that she means a lot to you, and you're concerned about her, especially given her behavior at your sister's wedding.  You know she's gone through a lot, such as the miscarriage, and you want to be there to support her (all while not necessarily enabling her).

PolarBearFitz

Anaelsea said:

redbull coffee and a babysitter, also, you can tell her not to do what she did at your sis wedding dance floor scene, you can say anything with the right tone of voice, or you can write it on her invitation, "dont freaky up the dancefloor like sis wedding! lol" if you say it point blank and positive tone of voice you can do it, but if youre unsure and uncertainty shows in your tone of voice, shell read into it and get upset

Adding lol to the end of a stupid note just makes it even less intelligent. As PPs have said don't do any of these things please.

Also @Anaelsea are you having a PPD? I ask because in your picture it looks like you are wearing a wedding dress? Have you already gotten married somewhere else and are now doing it over again? Considering your other posts it seems you might be...or you just got married...(if that's the case my apologies)

CLI242009

Anaelsea - Wow really? How old are you? You sound like someone who's between the ages of 11-16.

I don't care how anyone says anything, if it's something that sounds snarky/sarcastic/rude then the person can still take offense to it! Doesn't matter if you are saying it with a grin on your face or through a text with "lol ;-)" attached at the end of it, it's still rude and offensive!

I know it's been said but please listen to PPs....do NOT follow this advice. At all.

Amyzen83

aefitz29 said:

Anaelsea said:

redbull coffee and a babysitter, also, you can tell her not to do what she did at your sis wedding dance floor scene, you can say anything with the right tone of voice, or you can write it on her invitation, "dont freaky up the dancefloor like sis wedding! lol" if you say it point blank and positive tone of voice you can do it, but if youre unsure and uncertainty shows in your tone of voice, shell read into it and get upset

Adding lol to the end of a stupid note just makes it even less intelligent. As PPs have said don't do any of these things please.

Also @Anaelsea are you having a PPD? I ask because in your picture it looks like you are wearing a wedding dress? Have you already gotten married somewhere else and are now doing it over again? Considering your other posts it seems you might be...or you just got married...(if that's the case my apologies)


I was wondering that myself!

PolarBearFitz

She is in fact having a PPD as I ran across another thread she posted it on.

Amyzen83

Yup I confirmed it too when reading her comment in ppd nightmare