An hour drive and dry reception DRAMA!? Help

coronado11

Ok so my FMIL gave us an option of using her church halls for the ceremony and another for reception for absolutely free. Problem is its an hours away from home and MY family, and would have to be a dry wedding due to church rules. Im fine with that and  hes fine with that. His family always comes our way for things why is the world cant mine. Im feeling so unloved and hurt. Ive only talked to one person so far about this and we both had the same sad thoughts. My family are all drinkers and I dont think they would have a good time without drinks. Thats just the way they are. But also the person I spoke to was ok with it but voiced concern about the rest of the family not wanting to drive an hour away! REALLY?! Its sad because in my head I thought the same thing. Question is....Should I change the fact that im saving 4000 dollars to ensure they come to my wedding? They should want to be there no matter what am I right? I dont really want someone there who feels like they have to. I dont want someone there who will think my wedding sucks because they had to drive an hour and theres no alcohol. What are your opinions? Should I do a take it or leave it kind of thing or cater to what they want to ensure they come?

photokitty

I don't think an hour to too far to drive for a wedding. If you want to have it there and have a dry wedding then I think you should do it. I would suggest having a brunch or lunch reception rather than an evening one. People will be more inclined to drive during the day to celebrate with you regardless of alcohol being served or not. At evening receptions people are far more likely to leave early or be grumpy about not having alcohol, but etiquette wise this is not a problem. It will just help with your RSVPs IMHO GL!

doeydo

An hour drive is not that long of a way to go for a wedding.  There is nothing wrong with having a dry wedding, if a family member finds out/knows that your wedding isn't going to have alcohol and then chooses not to come, that is kind of crazy IMO and not something that anyone who actually cares about you would do.

jdluvr06

I don't think an hour would be that far of a drive for a wedding. I don't think it will be too much of an issue to have a dry reception either. People might leave earlier than they would otherwise but I can't see anyone not coming at all because of it.

CLI242009

jdluvr06 said:

I don't think an hour would be that far of a drive for a wedding. I don't think it will be too much of an issue to have a dry reception either. People might leave earlier than they would otherwise but I can't see anyone not coming at all because of it.

Not to discourage OP but you would be surprised how many people do not go once they find out hard alcohol or alcohol at all will NOT be served.

I know quite a few people (co workers and acquaintances) that have said no because they didn't want to go to a dry wedding. "We sit through a boring 30-60 minute ceremony and they don't give us drinks. No thanks" this is what one of my managers said when she was invited to a wedding last year. She was scoffing and saying really bad crap. There are people out there in the world who will look down at not having alcohol at a wedding. To them that's how you have a good time IS the alcohol. If no alcohol, they see the wedding as boring.

Back to the hour drive: that is not that far at all. My FI and I drove an hour away from our home last year for 2 weddings and we were completely fine with it.

OP you know your family best - so only you can make that call about the driving and the alcohol too.

Amyzen83

CLI242009 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I don't think an hour would be that far of a drive for a wedding. I don't think it will be too much of an issue to have a dry reception either. People might leave earlier than they would otherwise but I can't see anyone not coming at all because of it.

Not to discourage OP but you would be surprised how many people do not go once they find out hard alcohol or alcohol at all will NOT be served.

I know quite a few people (co workers and acquaintances) that have said no because they didn't want to go to a dry wedding. "We sit through a boring 30-60 minute ceremony and they don't give us drinks. No thanks" this is what one of my managers said when she was invited to a wedding last year. She was scoffing and saying really bad crap. There are people out there in the world who will look down at not having alcohol at a wedding. To them that's how you have a good time IS the alcohol. If no alcohol, they see the wedding as boring.

Back to the hour drive: that is not that far at all. My FI and I drove an hour away from our home last year for 2 weddings and we were completely fine with it.

OP you know your family best - so only you can make that call about the driving and the alcohol too.

To the bolded, honestly if booze was more important to my guests than watching me get married, I'd think that's pretty crappy of them. Granted your guests should be properly hosted afterwards ie: food and some type of drink. I understand alcohol and dancing have a correlation, and people may not stay as long, but seriously if I heard somebody say that if I decided not to have alcohol, I'd tell them, then perhaps I don't want you there if you care more about your drinks than what we are offering you. I'd enjoy my small intimate wedding with people who genuinely value me to the free drinks.

CLI242009

Amyzen83 said:

CLI242009 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I don't think an hour would be that far of a drive for a wedding. I don't think it will be too much of an issue to have a dry reception either. People might leave earlier than they would otherwise but I can't see anyone not coming at all because of it.

Not to discourage OP but you would be surprised how many people do not go once they find out hard alcohol or alcohol at all will NOT be served.

I know quite a few people (co workers and acquaintances) that have said no because they didn't want to go to a dry wedding. "We sit through a boring 30-60 minute ceremony and they don't give us drinks. No thanks" this is what one of my managers said when she was invited to a wedding last year. She was scoffing and saying really bad crap. There are people out there in the world who will look down at not having alcohol at a wedding. To them that's how you have a good time IS the alcohol. If no alcohol, they see the wedding as boring.

Back to the hour drive: that is not that far at all. My FI and I drove an hour away from our home last year for 2 weddings and we were completely fine with it.

OP you know your family best - so only you can make that call about the driving and the alcohol too.

To the bolded, honestly if booze was more important to my guests than watching me get married, I'd think that's pretty crappy of them. Granted your guests should be properly hosted afterwards ie: food and some type of drink. I understand alcohol and dancing have a correlation, and people may not stay as long, but seriously if I heard somebody say that if I decided not to have alcohol, I'd tell them, then perhaps I don't want you there if you care more about your drinks than what we are offering you. I'd enjoy my small intimate wedding with people who genuinely value me to the free drinks.

I posted in another thread (it was about inviting guests to both or either ceremony/reception). Most of the posters in the thread said how if they weren't invited to the ceremony they wouldn't bother coming to the reception. I have family and friends who are more party crowd/have a good time type of people. So they see the ceremony as the most boring. Yeah they're happy I found my guy, yada yada (their words, not mine) but they are not the lovey dovey type, my FI and I are. So yeah I do have family and friends who they'd rather just get invited to the reception cuz that's where the "fun" is. (I am not like my family. Don't know how it happened but yeah I am total opposite of them).

Hell I have family and friends who think I am being stuck up because 1) I am not allowing my reception to become a frickin family reunion (I know some are okay with this, personally I am not, that's just me). 2) I am only inviting relatives that I actually know and have met throughout my life. 3) because I'm having a formal reception. (Yes my relatives idea of a reception is a backyard buffet bbq so that they can be in their hawaiian shirts and shorts).

Believe me Amyzen83 I would love for my family and friends to be all gushy just like me but they are not. I am getting more support and "Oh my god it's almost time" from my FI's side than I am from my own side. It hurts but I am coming to terms with the fact that I am just not close with my family. Period.

Sorry for jacking the thread OP. >.> I didn't mean for that to happen.

APDSS22

An hour is not that long of a drive.  If someone would miss your wedding because they either don't want to drive an hour each way or because you are not having alcohol, maybe they aren't that close to you after all.  Unless someone has agoraphobia and never leaves their house, I'm sure they've been more than an hour's drive from their home and a wedding of someone you love is definitely a good reason to drive.  If they can't go a couple hours without alcohol or cannot have "a fun time" without it, they might want to seek help for that. 

That being said, have you checked out this church?  If you have and that's the venue you want, then good.  $4,000 is a lot of money that you could use to start a life together so I don't think it's unreasonable to want to save it as long as you like that venue.  I would also recommend you target a morning/early afternoon time for the wedding reception so that alcohol is less expected/anticipated.  Doesn't mean you can't have a later reception, it just makes more sense to people if you have a dry earlier, brunch reception as opposed to a later, dancing reception.

CLI242009

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

An hour is not that long of a drive.  If someone would miss your wedding because they either don't want to drive an hour each way or because you are not having alcohol, maybe they aren't that close to you after all. 

That is exactly how I feel. Unfortunately some people think you HAVE to have alcohol in order for it to be a "fun time" or a REAL party. I'm not saying they do or don't have a problem but there are just some people who need the alcohol to have a fun time.

Example: My FI's older brother and his wife are part of the party crowd. They love themselves a good alcoholic drink or cold beer. The wife is now pregnant and she is happy about having a baby but whenever there's a social gathering you can see it on her face that she HATES that she can't drink. Hell all the siblings and SOs went out to a bar together and she couldn't drink. She still went and she hated it because she didn't realize EVERYONE was going to drink. Everyone but her and the DD. So there's just some people who need the alcohol for it to be a party/good time.

NavyBlue143

I have been to plenty of dry weddings, since most of my college friends were Baptists. I don't mind them. The receptions don't usually last long though.

phira

Hour long drive is fine. Dry wedding is fine. If people don't come to the wedding because there's no alcohol, then they're being pretty damn petty.

However, I don't think that it has to be a packaged deal. You could find a reception hall near your fiance's family, one that would allow alcohol, so that you feel like fair is fair (since they usually have to travel a while to get to you, and now they wouldn't have to).

It really depends on your budget. If you cannot afford a reception hall AND food/booze near your future in-laws, and your options are either venue near you with booze, or venue near them without booze, then I guess my advice isn't too helpful.

Sharpschruter22

We had a destination wedding. The shortest drive was 8 hours for anyone and required a weekend stay. We had an evening dry wedding and it was great. People stayed til the last dance and we all had a great time. My family doesn't drink for religious reasons and many of my friends are the same. I do have about 30 percent of our guests that do drink though so it all depends on your crowd.
We had our reception in a hotel and the top of the hotel had a bar so those that wanted a drink could get it if they wanted but we didn't provide it. I wouldn't put it past those that really want a drink to bring a flask.

CMGragain

Dry weddings are fine.  Anyone who does not come to your wedding because there will be no alcohol served, shouldn't be on your guest list in the first place.  Who wants such ill mannered people at their wedding?
An invitation is just that - an invitation.  It is not a court summons.  If people choose not to attend your wedding, then tell them that they will be missed, and go on without them.  You'll have a much more dignified wedding.
My wedding was not dignified.  My grandmother - the family matriarch - took it upon herself to call all the cousins and inform them that anyone who didn't come to my wedding would be out of her will.  I wish some of them had stayed home.  (Grandma lived to be 98!)

GrrArgh

The hour drive is perfectly fine, the dry reception is also perfectly fine. I agree with a PP though, you should make it a brunch/luncheon or even a tea reception. When you get into evenings/dinner the expectations of drinking start to scale upwards. I went to an extremely formal and classy tea reception once, probably my favorite wedding/reception I've ever attended.

lyndausvi

An hour drive is fine, a dry is fine.  

That said, my family are drinkers.  No way I would consider a venue that didn't have alcohol. It's how we socialize.  As in I've never attended a baby shower, bridal shower, wedding, Sunday dinner at Grandma's or a funeral without alcohol served.  For generations now that is how my family socialized.  So it's not as much as them being snobs as it's just what we do.   A dry event of any kind would be a foreign concept to them.   They would attend, but not be happy about it.

On another note being Catholic we do not have these silly rules about not allowing alcohol at church halls.   Some of our halls have built in bars  :-)

thejucheidea

My husband's entire family drove an hour or more to come to our wedding. We also had a dry wedding and no one seemed to care -- my coworkers actually pre-gamed and then a bunch of our friends came to our house for an after party and had booze. It was awesome.

climbingsingle

An hour is not a long drive, IMO. 

I've never attended a dry wedding. It's just not done in my circle. I would still attend a dry wedding. But I know people that would leave early. Knowing that my family and FI's family and most of our friends enjoy drinking, I wouldn't consider having a dry wedding. 

netskyblue2

Even if you shell out the additional $4k and have the closer, alcoholic wedding - they're not going to love you any more for it.  I hate to be harsh, but if they don't love you enough to drive one hour and spend one evening of their life not drinking, it's not you they'll be showing up for. 

kgd7357

An hour is really fine, dry or not. Seriously, tons of people fly and take hotel rooms for weddings. Our wedding is in DC where we live, 5 hours from Southwest CT where my family is, and 5 hours from Southern WV where his family is. Not exactly a day trip, but it's a perfect inbetween.

As for a dry wedding. It wouldn't be my favorite, and my family would have a fit (more b/c they would be shocked). Seriously we are Jewish an my FI's family is Catholic and neither religion has any issue with booze. That being said, I've attended a dry wedding and it was fine. Although we didn't stay until the very end, and we may have had a beer or two before hand. Afterwards we went to a bar with our other friends that did drink. We travelled and stayed in a hotel for that wedding, and I had a very nice time. I went b/c it was a good friend.

phira

netskyblue2 said:

Even if you shell out the additional $4k and have the closer, alcoholic wedding - they're not going to love you any more for it.  I hate to be harsh, but if they don't love you enough to drive one hour and spend one evening of their life not drinking, it's not you they'll be showing up for. 

This is really my opinion on it, too. If people are going to be assholes about having to drive an hour and/or spend 4-5 hours not drinking, you can't control that, and it reflects poorly on them, not you.

We're not having a dry wedding, but I had to really talk my partner out of a partial cash bar. I want a limited open bar--no top shelf liquor, for example. "But what if my brother [who has very expensive tastes] wants a nicer scotch than what we're offering for free? He should be able to pay for that drink." UM except that if we were providing the alcohol ourselves, then your brother would just have to happily drink whatever whiskey we bought. "It would be ruder to close the bar when we reach the end of our tab than to make it a cash bar. People should still have the option to drink!" UM except that if we were providing the alcohol ourselves, and we ran out, we'd be out of alcohol and no one would be offended.

Nope nope nope. He doesn't get it. Oh well.

Lamiavita

Just on another wavelength here... (I agree with PPs that said it's a shame people would skip just because there's no alcohol... Like, wtf? But that's been covered).

You say you're saving $4,000 if you go with the hour-away venue... How many people were you planning on inviting? How much would it cost to hire a coach or two to get people there and back?

I have no idea if this is remotely feasible... Just a possible suggestion, really.