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Perspective needed on MOH problem!

So I have a slight problem with picking my MOH. I originally was going to have my sister, even went as far as to mention it in passing the day after the engagement. However, I'm not quite sure I can/should anymore and I don't know how to break it to her.

So the reason for this is a long story, my sister is very out there, she's always needing to have attention, she dresses "scandalously" as my mother calls it, which isn't a problem for me in general but sometimes it goes too far, i.e. having a dress with a hemline more than halfway up your thigh, in the middle of winter, without nylons or tights but bare leg for a family function, is a bit much IMO, and that's what she does. She also can have intense mood swings, if you look at her wrong she gives you attitude and yells, but when she's happy she's very nice and thoughtful. My FI has always been supportive of her because she acts a lot like he did when he was her age (he is in his early 30s while my sister and I are early 20s) and he mellowed out. But because of something that happened recently he wants nothing to do with her. We went out for her 21st birthday on the day I got engaged (didn't plan it I didn't know i was getting engaged that day). I was with my girl cousin (married) and my sister and our DD left us at the bar to go to a grocery store because they didn't want to wait for us to finish our drinks. We didn't know they left, we didn't even know they had gone to the car at first (we thought they were taking their time in the bathroom). The next decision was mine and I take full responsibility for it, but basically the bar closed and my cousin and I got kicked out into the rain. I had called our DD and she said she was still waiting for my sister to be done getting a movie from Redbox at the store. So my cousin and I then got a ride from a guy that had been talking to our group over to the store (about 3-5 min away).
Now you all are probably judging me, but I know it was incredibly stupid, after a few drinks even with another female to take a ride from a guy at the bar, I am not saying that wasn't a bad decision, horrible decision. But I did tell my FI because I didn't want to keep it from him that it was another guy. He was soooooo pissed, the day of our engagement this happened, and he has been married before and there was a lot of cheating so he always has to deal with his past. But we worked through it and we are fine now (we've been together for over 2 years and have a very strong trust with each other, hence me telling him when I could have just not mentioned it). However, he also is very pissed at my sister, and DD, for leaving us at the bar in the first place, so much so he didn't want my sister at the wedding at all. I told him I couldn't do that, but I am seriously considering someone else for MOH now. My FI's sister and I get along wonderfully, and she has been more involved with our lives the past couple years than my own sister really. She also planned her own wedding in 3 months, I have 5 months to do mine, and my sister knowns nothing about it. Is it completely reproachable for me to ask my FI's sister and have my own sister be just a BM? I don't want trouble with my FI and sister, and TBH I don't really trust her very much to have my best interests in mind while planning.
I have worried about this so much I almost just don't want a MOH, but then I think this is supposed to be my day right, should I have to give up a MOH because of wanting to appease everyone?


thank you for any advice with similar situations of choosing family etc. I also should mention my sister has known about my engagement for a week now, and seen me at least three times, and not a word about plans, or what I want to do, or how I feel about it or anything. Even when one of those times we were with my whole family and we all were talking about it, she didn't join in, which hurt a little bit.

Re: Perspective needed on MOH problem!

  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 Blue Smokey Mountains
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    So I have a slight problem with picking my MOH. I originally was going to have my sister, even went as far as to mention it in passing the day after the engagement. However, I'm not quite sure I can/should anymore and I don't know how to break it to her.

    So the reason for this is a long story, my sister is very out there, she's always needing to have attention, she dresses "scandalously" as my mother calls it, which isn't a problem for me in general but sometimes it goes too far, i.e. having a dress with a hemline more than halfway up your thigh, in the middle of winter, without nylons or tights but bare leg for a family function, is a bit much IMO, and that's what she does. She also can have intense mood swings, if you look at her wrong she gives you attitude and yells, but when she's happy she's very nice and thoughtful. My FI has always been supportive of her because she acts a lot like he did when he was her age (he is in his early 30s while my sister and I are early 20s) and he mellowed out. But because of something that happened recently he wants nothing to do with her. We went out for her 21st birthday on the day I got engaged (didn't plan it I didn't know i was getting engaged that day). I was with my girl cousin (married) and my sister and our DD left us at the bar to go to a grocery store because they didn't want to wait for us to finish our drinks. We didn't know they left, we didn't even know they had gone to the car at first (we thought they were taking their time in the bathroom). The next decision was mine and I take full responsibility for it, but basically the bar closed and my cousin and I got kicked out into the rain. I had called our DD and she said she was still waiting for my sister to be done getting a movie from Redbox at the store. So my cousin and I then got a ride from a guy that had been talking to our group over to the store (about 3-5 min away).
    Now you all are probably judging me, but I know it was incredibly stupid, after a few drinks even with another female to take a ride from a guy at the bar, I am not saying that wasn't a bad decision, horrible decision. But I did tell my FI because I didn't want to keep it from him that it was another guy. He was soooooo pissed, the day of our engagement this happened, and he has been married before and there was a lot of cheating so he always has to deal with his past. But we worked through it and we are fine now (we've been together for over 2 years and have a very strong trust with each other, hence me telling him when I could have just not mentioned it). However, he also is very pissed at my sister, and DD, for leaving us at the bar in the first place, so much so he didn't want my sister at the wedding at all. I told him I couldn't do that, but I am seriously considering someone else for MOH now. My FI's sister and I get along wonderfully, and she has been more involved with our lives the past couple years than my own sister really. She also planned her own wedding in 3 months, I have 5 months to do mine, and my sister knowns nothing about it. Is it completely reproachable for me to ask my FI's sister and have my own sister be just a BM? I don't want trouble with my FI and sister, and TBH I don't really trust her very much to have my best interests in mind while planning.
    I have worried about this so much I almost just don't want a MOH, but then I think this is supposed to be my day right, should I have to give up a MOH because of wanting to appease everyone?


    thank you for any advice with similar situations of choosing family etc. I also should mention my sister has known about my engagement for a week now, and seen me at least three times, and not a word about plans, or what I want to do, or how I feel about it or anything. Even when one of those times we were with my whole family and we all were talking about it, she didn't join in, which hurt a little bit.

    I know i may be missing something but your fiance shouldn't be "punishing" you and not wanting your sister at the wedding. you get to choose who you want in your bridal party let alone invite your sister to your wedding. look i know how siblings can be embarrassing or can hurt our feelings. but it doesn't seem she is doing it on purpose. i'm not sure if i like your fiance, i know accpeting a ride from a stranger isn't always the best idea. but would he rather you have been out in the cold rain, and shouldn't he be happy that you are ok? and your bridesmaids aren't expected to plan you anything, it would be nice. however it isn't your job. honestly i think you should talk to your sister, she may not know if anything is wrong. i hope it all works out!  
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    STARMOON44
  • Your FI is seriously over-reacting to 1) freak out that you got a ride to a store from a guy and 2) refuse to speak to your sister because she left the bar.  Sure, she shouldn't have left, but the fact that it's something that he needed to "work through" is crazy.  You shouldn't let his reaction affect how you treat your sister.  

    Your MOH should be your closest person.  If you needed to hide a body at 3 am, would you call your sister or your FI's sister?  That's your MOH.  It doesn't matter how old she is, how she dresses, or if she left you at the bar on her 21st birthday.  

    Your wedding timeline and planning have nothing to do with it, since your MOH and BMs are not responsible for any wedding planning.  
    This.
  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 Blue Smokey Mountains
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Rebl90 i know it isn't the wisest choice anyone has done, but we have made all bad decisions. i just don't think her fiance should be blaming her sister for her decisions. i can just see why she made the mistake. i also think that maybe her fiance should be happy that nothing bad happened to her. thats what i meant. i just think the op needs to focus on how she wants to interact with her sister without her fiance blaming the sister.
    image
  • Rebl90 i know it isn't the wisest choice anyone has done, but we have made all bad decisions. i just don't think her fiance should be blaming her sister for her decisions. i can just see why she made the mistake. i also think that maybe her fiance should be happy that nothing bad happened to her. thats what i meant. i just think the op needs to focus on how she wants to interact with her sister without her fiance blaming the sister.
    @buttercup1958  - It is in fact a very stupid decision that would have never crossed my mind, but I didn't say that her FI should be blaming her sister, it's entirely the OP's fault. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Ditto NYCBruin

    Also, you've already mentioned to your sister that you wanted her to be MOH. Demoting her to bm would be very rude.
                       
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't understand any of this drama. So way overblown.



    Rebl90zitiqueen
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    delujm0 said:

    this is ridiculous.

     

    Why were you out at a bar on the night of your engagement without your FI?  all i wanted to do the night of my engagement was hang out with my FI.  Why didn't he just go with you?

     

    Also, he's blaming your sister for something that is not her fault.  It is YOUR fault that you accepted a ride from some random guy.  That is what cabs are for.

     

    And i don't see what her clothing choices have to do with anything, as you'd get to tell her what to wear for this event.  In fact, if you're afraid to leave her to her own devices, you should DEFINITELY leave her in the wedding party for that reason alone.

     

    You say you're really close to her but might kick her out because your FI is mad at her.  that is insane.  he needs to get over this, blame the correct person (you), and make an effort to get along with your family, or else you're about to be in for a rough lifetime with this guy.

    These are good points. 

    OP took her sister to a bar because it was her twenty-first birthday, a pretty traditional thing to do. I wonder if the Fi popped the question on that particular day because he didn't want @effiechristina to go to the bar without him. effiechristina, don't let Fi drive a wedge between you and your sister. 


                       
    jenniferursPrettyGirlLost
  • Im not going to bash you for the choices you made, or the choices of anyone else that night...I think at this point its really up to you to decide who you want as your MOH.

     

    The thing is your future husband, as he might have been upset with your sister at the time its no reason to hold a grudge on her actions because as it seems to me nobody was really in the right. However if you really feel like you want the other girl to be your MOH then just tell them. OR you can always had a maid of honor and a matron of honor. Not sure which one is which but i do know one of them actually has more responsibilites.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Maid and Matron of Honor are exactly the same thing. If the MOH is married, she is a Matron OH, if she is single, she is a Maid OH. Neither have responsibilities beyond buying the bm dress, showing up on time for the ceremony and having good will toward the bride and her groom. 
                       
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    delujm0 said:

    this is ridiculous.

     

    Why were you out at a bar on the night of your engagement without your FI?  all i wanted to do the night of my engagement was hang out with my FI.  Why didn't he just go with you?

     

    Also, he's blaming your sister for something that is not her fault.  It is YOUR fault that you accepted a ride from some random guy.  That is what cabs are for.

     

    And i don't see what her clothing choices have to do with anything, as you'd get to tell her what to wear for this event.  In fact, if you're afraid to leave her to her own devices, you should DEFINITELY leave her in the wedding party for that reason alone.

     

    You say you're really close to her but might kick her out because your FI is mad at her.  that is insane.  he needs to get over this, blame the correct person (you), and make an effort to get along with your family, or else you're about to be in for a rough lifetime with this guy.

    Totally agree. This is silly, childish nonsense. 

  • jenniferursjenniferurs member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    1) If you already mentioned something to your sister about being MOH, it's rude to rescind the offer. The fact that it was "in passing" is of no consequence.

    2) You wanted to finish your drink; your sister wanted to pick up a movie on her birthday. They probably figured that since the store was so close, they'd be back by the time you guys were done. It's not as if she left you alone and it's not as if she had no plans of returning. You could have waited or taken a cab, but chose not to. It happens, we all make bad decisions at times, but that is on you and no one else.

    3) If your fiancé is going to get mad at your sister for not being by your side all night and making sure you got home safe, why is he not also blaming himself? Seems to me he chose not to join his fiancée and his future sister in law for the sister in law's birthday on the night of the engagement. It's weird to me that he wouldn't want to spend such a monumental milestone event with his future family member and even weirder that he wouldn't want to spend his engagement night with you. Either way, he's every bit as responsible for your well being as your sister is, so if the blame doesn't lie with you in his eyes (which it should), then he needs to turn his anger towards himself as well.

    4) Your sister's usual wardrobe choice is of no consequence, as you'd be choosing your bridal party's attire.

    5) Your sister's planning acumen is of no consequence since it's nobody's responsibility to plan your wedding but you and your FI.

    6) You're wondering why your sister hasn't jumped into planning mode after a week? It's been a week! Most people take some time to enjoy their engagement before jumping into planning. It says nothing negative about her if she assumed the same about you. Does she know that you're on a 5 month deadline? And why are you set on 5 months anyway?

    I agree with a PP. Seems to me you're trying to appease FI by demoting the scapegoat and instead picking someone near and dear to his heart, but I promise you that that's a recipe for disaster, not only w/r/t to your relationship with your sister, but in regard to future arguments that you will have with your FI and the ensuing expectations to follow.

    My advice? Leave your sister be and deal with your relationship problems in a healthy, adult way. Do not deflect. Do not distract. And most importantly, do not sacrifice your relationship with your sister, because she decided to run and get a movie from a nearby store on her birthday while you finished your drink.
    Viczaesar
  • Co-MOH, that way when you sue FI's sister for stuff, it's just, she has been there and done it already so using her help in the planning. But if possible, plan something that you and your sister can do together, or at least invite her to come along or help if she is available. If she doesn't come, nothing you can do, but you invited her. In regards to sister's dress, good news is you are the bride, you get have a say. Just make sure the dresses are something you feel are tasteful and that the shop orders her the size that will give her the coverage she needs. Like if she is large chested but small waisted, have the dress ordered to fit her chest, the waist size can be altered. No matter what happens the attention will be on you and if she acts up, she will be the one how ends up in the dog house with the rest of your family. Good luck!!

  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    First of all, it sounds like your FI is totally overreacting and being unreasonable.  That's his issue and he needs to deal with it.  Yes, he may have had unfaithful relationships in the past, but you need trust to have a stable and successful relationship.  If he can't trust you fully, you probably shouldn't be getting married.  I've been cheated on in most of my past relationships, but I don't hold their actions against my current FI.  He hasn't done anything to me to make me question that his is trustworthy.  He has female friends, he still talks to his ex, he can go out to bars or whatever with his buddies, even weekend in Vegas with the guys, and I 100% trust that he won't cross any lines.

    Second, yeah, going with a stranger isn't the smartest idea, but you already know that so there's no point getting into it.

    Third, MOH should be your choice, not anyone else's.  This incident was in no way your sisters fault, so why should she have to pay for it.  It sounds like you wanted her to be MOH prior to this incident, so this shouldn't change that. If your FI's feelings toward her is the issue, you need to stand up to him, tell him this wasn't her fault, and that the needs to fix his attitude. But, like MyNameIsNot said, who would you call if you needed to dispose of a body at 3am? That's who it should be. If you would call both of them, why not have 2 MOH's?  I am having both my sister & SIL as MOH's because they are both so important to me and I couldn't choose.  Honestly, if I had to dispose of a body, I wouldn't be surprised to call both of them and all 3 of us would figure it out together.  So, you need to decide without letting this incident cloud your judgment.

    Fourth, if you already mentioned being MOH to your sister, it would be extremely rude to take that back now.

    Fifth, MOH & BM have no responsibility to help you plan anything.  Yes, most of them will help you out just because they are your closest friends, but they aren't obligated to.  Maybe your sister doesn't want to intrude or mess with your vision, but will be willing to help you plan or help with tasks if you ask for her help.  And even if she's your MOH, that doesn't mean you can't have FSIL helping you also, if she's more open to doing so. MOH & BM's are just titles to honor those closest to you and they are only obligated to buy a dress and stand beside you on your big day. Beyond that, for planning or whatever, it doesn't have to be MOH helping out.  It could be any BM or even someone without a wedding party title.  So, don't let their wedding experience or anything like that be the basis of your decision either.

    image 

  • Rebl90 said:
    So I have a slight problem with picking my MOH. I originally was going to have my sister, even went as far as to mention it in passing the day after the engagement. However, I'm not quite sure I can/should anymore and I don't know how to break it to her. What exactly does this mean? Did you say to her that you wanted her to be your MOH? Or did you say to your FI, "I think I want my sister to be my MOH" ?

    So the reason for this is a long story, my sister is very out there, she's always needing to have attention, she dresses "scandalously" as my mother calls it, which isn't a problem for me in general but sometimes it goes too far, i.e. having a dress with a hemline more than halfway up your thigh, in the middle of winter, without nylons or tights but bare leg for a family function, is a bit much IMO, and that's what she does. She also can have intense mood swings, if you look at her wrong she gives you attitude and yells, but when she's happy she's very nice and thoughtful. Knowing all of this, she was your first thought for MOH? My FI has always been supportive of her because she acts a lot like he did when he was her age (he is in his early 30s while my sister and I are early 20s) and he mellowed out. But because of something that happened recently he wants nothing to do with her. We went out for her 21st birthday on the day I got engaged (didn't plan it I didn't know i was getting engaged that day). I was with my girl cousin (married) and my sister and our DD left us at the bar to go to a grocery store because they didn't want to wait for us to finish our drinks. We didn't know they left, we didn't even know they had gone to the car at first (we thought they were taking their time in the bathroom). The next decision was mine and I take full responsibility for it, but basically the bar closed and my cousin and I got kicked out into the rain. I had called our DD and she said she was still waiting for my sister to be done getting a movie from Redbox at the store. So my cousin and I then got a ride from a guy that had been talking to our group over to the store (about 3-5 min away).
    Now you all are probably judging me, but I know it was incredibly stupid, after a few drinks even with another female to take a ride from a guy at the bar, I am not saying that wasn't a bad decision, horrible decision. But I did tell my FI because I didn't want to keep it from him that it was another guy. He was soooooo pissed, the day of our engagement this happened, and he has been married before and there was a lot of cheating so he always has to deal with his past. But we worked through it and we are fine now (we've been together for over 2 years and have a very strong trust with each other, hence me telling him when I could have just not mentioned it). However, he also is very pissed at my sister, and DD, for leaving us at the bar in the first place, so much so he didn't want my sister at the wedding at all. Stop right there, it is in no way your sister's fault that you took a ride from a guy at the bar. Yeah, she shouldn't have left you without telling you, but if you're a big enough girl to get engaged then you are old enough to realize that engaged women do not accept rides from guys they meet at the bar. Your FI needs to be pissed at you, NOT your sister. In fact, you need to be telling him that it is entirely your fault and that he needs to stop pinning this on your sister. In fact, if my FI pulled this the same day we became engaged, I would seriously reconsider. I told him I couldn't do that, but I am seriously considering someone else for MOH now. My FI's sister and I get along wonderfully, and she has been more involved with our lives the past couple years than my own sister really. She also planned her own wedding in 3 months, I have 5 months to do mine, and my sister knowns nothing about it.This has absolutely nothing to do with being a MOH, there is no planning or experience required. Is it completely reproachable for me to ask my FI's sister and have my own sister be just a BM? If you haven't asked your sister, then no. If you have talked to your sister, then yes. I don't want trouble with my FI and sister, and TBH I don't really trust her very much to have my best interests in mind while planning. Um, there is nothing for her to plan as your MOH, unless you count purchasing a dress and standing next to you that day as "planning".  Your MOH is not your "planning buddy", that is your FI's responsibility and if the two of you can't do it then you hire a wedding coordinator. 
    I have worried about this so much I almost just don't want a MOH, but then I think this is supposed to be my day right, should I have to give up a MOH because of wanting to appease everyone?


    thank you for any advice with similar situations of choosing family etc. I also should mention my sister has known about my engagement for a week now, and seen me at least three times, and not a word about plans, or what I want to do, or how I feel about it or anything. Because it's not her wedding.  It is not anyone's job to be excited for your wedding or want to know how you feel (In fact, you should be feeling excited/happy that your are engaged, I would never think to ask a bride how she is feeling about being engaged, that sounds like the stupidest question). Unless of course you are paying her to be your coordinator, then you can fire her.  Even when one of those times we were with my whole family and we all were talking about it, she didn't join in, which hurt a little bit. Maybe she's already tired of hearing about it, she's 21 years old, weddings are most likely not going to be what gets her excited, give it a rest.
    I recommend spending some more time on these boards reading about proper etiquette and the true responsibilities of BMs and a MOH.

    I agree with every comment on here. I'm not sure why getting in a car with strangers from a bar was even a remote consideration. Of course it was a poor decision, but more so a complete lack of respect for FI. Your sister shouldn't be blamed for your poor decision, regardless of how self centered she may be, she didn't make you get in that car. This incident has nothing to do with her ability to be your MOH.
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