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Wedding Party

Do I have to make ALL the decisions? Rant.

princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

Okay, so I'm about as far from a bridezilla as you could get.  I'm not the type who has imagined for years about what my wedding will look like and I have no big vision that we need to adhere to.  I actually thought I would end up getting married in Las Vegas or a courthouse someday in some relatively informal event. But, now that I'm actually getting married we are doing a more traditional (although destination) wedding with about 30-40 guests.  It's early afternoon wedding, so still not super formal even either. But, most of the wedding is provided in a package (flowers, cake, food, décor, DJ, etc.), which I love because that means it is simple.  I can customize it however I want, but we could show up without doing anything and it would still be a wonderful wedding.  I've thought about ideas to customize it, but honestly I'm starting to seriously consider just leaving it as is for the most part and not worrying about modifying any of it.

I honestly don't care what my wedding party wears.  We picked a color, gave them samples of it (ribbon we bought for décor) and I told them buy anything you like similar to that color.  They don't need to be exact color match.  They don't need all wear same style. I told them they don't even need to run it by me first... if you like it, buy it. It really doesn't matter that much to me.  Honestly, for all I care, they could show up in blue jeans... I'd still marry my best friend and have a wonderful wedding.  So, my BM's have decided to get the same style dress and are coordinating... great, whatever.  But, now I'm getting stuck with lots of text messages (we live in separate states, so I can't shop with them) of "which dress would you prefer we wear... this one or this one?" and "Is this one better than the last one?" or "so what style dress are you thinking we should wear?".  I'm finding myself responding with a lot of "that's pretty, whatever you want". I have absolutely no pre-conceived notions of what I want them to wear. One of my BM's is the fashionista type, which I certainly am not, so they are probably much more apt to pick an outfit than I am.  But, since they are all more fashion conscious than I am, they don't really like my answer of "just find a dress and wear it".

And now my FI is starting tux shopping as well, and I'm getting all the same questions from him. And I know even less about tuxes than I do about dresses.  At least he made the tux vs. suit decision on his own. But, I told him his best bet is to go to the tux store and get their advice on what style to do. Then we plan to coordinate his tie & vest color with whatever the BM's get.  It sounds like my BM's are shopping at David's, so we can get the same colors for tux if FI rents from Mens Warehouse.

We haven't even gotten to the flower girl dress yet.  I told them to just find something cute on clearance after Easter. Probably just something white and we will put a colored bow on it to match wedding color. So, we will see if that turns into the same ordeal.

 

But, I'm kind of annoyed by having to make every decision.  Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know it's my wedding.  But that doesn't mean I should have to dictate every decision.  I don't feel the need to tell my wedding party what to buy or wear.  And if I say it doesn't matter to me, can't people just believe me and make the decision themselves?  I have no desire or patience for micro-managing everyone's shopping trips.  It was bad enough trying to figure out what I'm going wear... I really have no desire to pick out what everyone else is wearing too.

This post was more just to rant.  But, does anyone have any advice?  Am I being unreasonable by not helping pick everything out? I almost feel like I'm starting to sound rude by always telling them that it doesn't matter to me.

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Re: Do I have to make ALL the decisions? Rant.

  • I understand you don't like making decisions, and want your party to get things they like. I am the same way.

    You do not have to micro manage all the details of what they wear. Maybe just give them one more detail besides the color. For example, will it be warm? Then tell them to look for a short dress, like knee length. You may not really care, but just a couple of directions limits their choices, and helps them make a decision.

    My bridesmaids are wearing skirts. I found a skirt for them to wear and asked them to buy. They know their top should be white, but beyond that it is up to them. They can even wear a white top the already own. I think this will work out without me getting too many questions. However, before I chose a skirt, I left it open besides the color and got a lot of questions. I think making it too open ended causes as much problems as too many restrictions. Find a balance that isn't micro managing.
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  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    It's going to be June in New Orleans, so it will definitely be hot & humid. They are already planning on short dresses. I told them something in a lighter material, like chiffon or organza, may be a good idea so they will be more comfortable.  But, they are welcome to choose a different material if they find something else they like.  And preferably something they will wear again... which shouldn't be too hard to do with a short, navy blue dress.

    I told them whatever shoes they wear, just make sure they are comfortable because there will be lots of walking and standing all day, along with dancing of course.  And they can go with any accessories they want (which I'm sure will be another discussion as we get closer).

    But, since they are both the types to know how their wedding should look, they just figure that I do too and they want to make sure they don't go against what I want or end up picking something I don't like. One of them is already married, and we all wore matching dresses, same shoes, same jewelry, even same hairdo.  The other one isn't married or even engaged yet, but has most of her wedding already planned on Pinterest and I'm pretty sure she will be the type to dictate pretty much every detail. 

    So, I understand that they just want to make sure I'm happy with their choices.  And I know that it is weird for some people to realize that a bride could really not care at all about how the wedding looks, but for some of us we don't need to control every detail to be happy... and for some of us we'd rather not have to stress about ANY of the details.  I really look at this as just a small, quick ceremony with a fun party afterward. It's not that much different than any other party. I wouldn't tell you what to wear to a birthday party, so why should I have to tell you what to wear to my wedding party?

    image 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    nicoann said:

    Okay, so I'm about as far from a bridezilla as you could get.  I'm not the type who has imagined for years about what my wedding will look like and I have no big vision that we need to adhere to.  I actually thought I would end up getting married in Las Vegas or a courthouse someday in some relatively informal event. But, now that I'm actually getting married we are doing a more traditional (although destination) wedding with about 30-40 guests.  It's early afternoon wedding, so still not super formal even either. But, most of the wedding is provided in a package (flowers, cake, food, décor, DJ, etc.), which I love because that means it is simple.  I can customize it however I want, but we could show up without doing anything and it would still be a wonderful wedding.  I've thought about ideas to customize it, but honestly I'm starting to seriously consider just leaving it as is for the most part and not worrying about modifying any of it.

    I honestly don't care what my wedding party wears.  We picked a color, gave them samples of it (ribbon we bought for décor) and I told them buy anything you like similar to that color.  They don't need to be exact color match.  They don't need all wear same style. I told them they don't even need to run it by me first... if you like it, buy it. It really doesn't matter that much to me.  Honestly, for all I care, they could show up in blue jeans... I'd still marry my best friend and have a wonderful wedding.  So, my BM's have decided to get the same style dress and are coordinating... great, whatever.  But, now I'm getting stuck with lots of text messages (we live in separate states, so I can't shop with them) of "which dress would you prefer we wear... this one or this one?" and "Is this one better than the last one?" or "so what style dress are you thinking we should wear?".  I'm finding myself responding with a lot of "that's pretty, whatever you want". I have absolutely no pre-conceived notions of what I want them to wear. One of my BM's is the fashionista type, which I certainly am not, so they are probably much more apt to pick an outfit than I am.  But, since they are all more fashion conscious than I am, they don't really like my answer of "just find a dress and wear it".

    And now my FI is starting tux shopping as well, and I'm getting all the same questions from him. And I know even less about tuxes than I do about dresses.  At least he made the tux vs. suit decision on his own. But, I told him his best bet is to go to the tux store and get their advice on what style to do. Then we plan to coordinate his tie & vest color with whatever the BM's get.  It sounds like my BM's are shopping at David's, so we can get the same colors for tux if FI rents from Mens Warehouse.

    We haven't even gotten to the flower girl dress yet.  I told them to just find something cute on clearance after Easter. Probably just something white and we will put a colored bow on it to match wedding color. So, we will see if that turns into the same ordeal.

     

    But, I'm kind of annoyed by having to make every decision.  Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know it's my wedding.  But that doesn't mean I should have to dictate every decision.  I don't feel the need to tell my wedding party what to buy or wear.  And if I say it doesn't matter to me, can't people just believe me and make the decision themselves?  I have no desire or patience for micro-managing everyone's shopping trips.  It was bad enough trying to figure out what I'm going wear... I really have no desire to pick out what everyone else is wearing too.

    This post was more just to rant.  But, does anyone have any advice?  Am I being unreasonable by not helping pick everything out? I almost feel like I'm starting to sound rude by always telling them that it doesn't matter to me.

    I was the same way.  I just told my girls that I wanted a knee length dress in gray.  We all went shopping together and I let them narrow down all the choices.  They were down to 3 and then made me do the final pick.  So maybe the next one they send you, just respond back, OMG!  I love it!  That's the dress! 

    As for tux rental, we just got the most basic of tuxes from Jos A Banks.  The only upgrade was to get the microfiber shirt instead of the standard.

  • I've told my BMs the same thing. I showed them two colors (yellow and black) and told them to pick whatever dress they wanted in one of those colors.
  • I had the same problem, but it sounds like they are like my group.  They are just really good friends trying to make your day how you want it, even if they way you want it is for them to make thier fashion decisions they still just want to make sure you aren't hating their choices.  I agree with the other posters that even if you don't care that much make up a couple more limits to narrow down their choices so they won't have as many questions.  That worked for me. 
  • I'm the same way.

    If they're set on you making the decision, just pick one.  Go with your gut, flip a coin, whatever, just say THAT one. 
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    scribe95 said:

    Okay, I'm on board with you not wanting to make ALL the decisions but have you made ANY?

    I've made almost every decision so far... I just don't feel the need nor have any desire to control what everyone else wears to my wedding.  I figured telling them the color (gave them sample) and to get something that fits their own style.  Keeping in mind that it will be hot & humid, so short & lighter material would probably be best.  How much more should I have to give them? 

    image 

  • I totally understand where you're coming from, I really do.

    Could your friends possibly feel that you don't care about them?
    Let me try to explain what I mean, because I know that's not the case...

    Basically, could it be that they're just trying to please you, and feel like you just don't give a damn?

    "What do you think of this one?"
    "I don't care"
    "Well is this one better?"
    "I don't know, they're both pretty"
    "What about this one?"
    "Whatever".

    Do you see what I mean?

    Maybe give them a little something, just to show them you're interested in what they're wearing... Ask them to show you their top three, then you pick one. That way, it's guaranteed to be something they like, because they chose them to start with, but at the same time, you've had some input.

    I really hope that makes sense...
  • I am the same way - I actually got super frustrated when we went shopping because I said "here's the color, fabric, and designer - pick whatever you are most comfortable in".  And they still tried to rope me into deciding on which dress I liked best (which made no sense since I said they could wear whatever dress they wanted).  Then one tried to get me to agree that maybe everyone SHOULD wear the same dress (argh).

    I felt like I made decisions - I decided the color, the fabric, and the designer.  My other decision was that THEY all pick what they are comfy in.  I get that they want me to be happy with their selections, but I will be happy knowing no one else is constantly having to run to the bathroom to adjust their spanx/bra/top/whatever because they don't like their dress. 

    I think sometimes when the options are too open, people just don't know what to do and look for more guidance.  Luckily it all worked out in the end!

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