NWR Etiquette

Lily9911

I couldn't help but think about a past situation that happened and I wanted to see what you ladies on the E board feel about this.

4 years ago when I was first dating DH, he told me that every year we have Memorial Day Weekend BBQ at his mothers and my SIL cooks. I was so excited to share my cooking skills with everyone so I bought some items, whipped them up and served it during the BBQ. Part of the things I cooked had prosciutto and black truffle oil as part of the ingredients, so, my dishes were a bit pricey for this gathering. 

After the meal was over, my SIL comes over to DH and tells him that our half would be $65. I looked at her and was shocked that we had to pay for what we just ate, especially since I'm a VERY picky eater and didn't have much. It was like a bill from Fridays.

I told my SIL that the price was extreme and if I had known we would be paying for the meal I would have made DH and I something on the side (we were saving every penny towards our wedding since we were paying for it ourselves). I also told her "If everyone is paying, can you chip in for the food I bought?" and her answer to me was "Well I didn't eat your pasta dish because it has onions in it, and I don't eat prosciutto." But I didn't eat your expensive mushrooms!

She basically told me that every year she pays for the food and cooks it, and everyone pays her back, it's been like that for 5 years now and it was DH's fault that he forgot about that rule.

To this day, I feel like I was right and I should have gotten paid for the part I chipped in. I also feel like since I was new to the group and she was aware that we were paying for our own wedding, that she should have reminded us about the dinner having to be paid for. 

Thoughts? Comments? Similar stories you'd like to share with the classroom?

On a side note, SIL and I are totally close and BFFs now. I am not expecting her to pay me in any way, enough time has passed that it's not an issue anymore. And now when we have a party we ALL get separate jobs, someone will be on drinks, another is in charge of side dishes, the host is always in charge of the main course, and someone will be in charge of dessert.  It has stopped any fights about the cost of food and I think this has prevented any type of confusion down the line. 

Jen4948

I agree with you that she doesn't understand what "hosting" is.  If she wants people to pay her for their meals, she should open a restaurant-not expect someone to pay her for what gets served at her or her mother's home.

I don't think you owe her any money regardless of her stupid "rule."

Lily9911

Jen4948 said:

I agree with you that she doesn't understand what "hosting" is.  If she wants people to pay her for their meals, she should open a restaurant-not expect someone to pay her for what gets served at her or her mother's home.

I don't think you owe her any money regardless of her stupid "rule."

At the time I was trying to "fit in" and not get on anyone's bad side so we ended up paying her the $65. 

Now that I think about it I might still have some pent up issues about this and now I want $65 from her >.<

OliveOilsMom

Why are you worried about something that happened 4 years ago, especially when you seem to be BFFs with your SIL?

Lily9911

@oliveoilsmom I'm not worried, I was just kidding about the above comment I made wanting money back. I was just wondering what the E ladies thought about this, and I always thought it wasn't proper etiquette. 

And.....

misssunshine17

That is totally bullshit. Was it a $65 meal? Super tacky and awkward. Glad things have changed now, or else I would have stopped attending.

Rebl90

I would have been so mad...I'm glad that you all could work it out through and not have to deal with it.

I was in a similar situation when I first started dating my FI. He and his friends were all very close and I was told that they all get together the day after Thanksgiving and have a friend thanksgiving, hosted by one of their mother's.  So we went and I took flowers to the friends mother  and gushed about how wonderful she was to do all of it, and then almost fell out of my chair when the friend got up and collected $10 from every person there. It was completely my FI's fault for not telling me, but I was so mad that he spent $20 on dinner for us. She had to have turned a profit with the amount of people there, the spread was extremely modest. I wanted to take my flowers back and march out the door. 

Lily9911

misssunshine17 said:

That is totally bullshit. Was it a $65 meal? Super tacky and awkward. Glad things have changed now, or else I would have stopped attending.

It was hamburgers, with or without cheese,mac and cheese, coleslaw and portobello mushrooms for the one vegetarian in the group, but she bought a shit load of those mushrooms.

So to answer your question- no. 

Lily9911

Rebl90 said:

I would have been so mad...I'm glad that you all could work it out through and not have to deal with it.

I was in a similar situation when I first started dating my FI. He and his friends were all very close and I was told that they all get together the day after Thanksgiving and have a friend thanksgiving, hosted by one of their mother's.  So we went and I took flowers to the friends mother  and gushed about how wonderful she was to do all of it, and then almost fell out of my chair when the friend got up and collected $10 from every person there. It was completely my FI's fault for not telling me, but I was so mad that he spent $20 on dinner for us. She had to have turned a profit with the amount of people there, the spread was extremely modest. I wanted to take my flowers back and march out the door. 

It was $20 plus the cost of the flowers. I hope they weren't nice flowers (perhaps saved a buck from the grocery store flower shop)

If you are HOSTING an event, you don't collect a check at the end of the night. 

I refuse to cook for my BIL's anymore because in the past whenever I have done that, they would always thank they're mother for the food (we'd have it in her home since she isn't mobile.) You'd think if the woman can barely move, you'd assume she couldn't cook anymore either....

But yea, I want a thank you when I go out of my way. I don't want a check, just a thanks.

photokitty

I think if it was the norm and how it had always been then it was up to DH to tell you up front. If the family agreed to this then she is not really hosting, everyone is splitting it. If DH knew that he would be expect to pay his share for the two of you and he did not tell his sister you wanted to bring food and have it included in the tab then that is on him. 5 years of doing it that way, he should have warned you.

In my family we have holiday meals at one person's house, but that doesn't mean we expect them to pay for everything. Sorry, but I think your DH was in wrong on this one.

Lily9911

photokitty said:

I think if it was the norm and how it had always been then it was up to DH to tell you up front. If the family agreed to this then she is not really hosting, everyone is splitting it. If DH knew that he would be expect to pay his share for the two of you and he did not tell his sister you wanted to bring food and have it included in the tab then that is on him. 5 years of doing it that way, he should have warned you.

In my family we have holiday meals at one person's house, but that doesn't mean we expect them to pay for everything. Sorry, but I think your DH was in wrong on this one.

100%, but he's known to forget the "non important things in life", or at least that's what he says.

banana468

Your SIL may be your friend but she's totally wrong.

I don't understand people who pull this crap.   It's cheap and insulting. 

photokitty

Lily9911 said:

photokitty said:

I think if it was the norm and how it had always been then it was up to DH to tell you up front. If the family agreed to this then she is not really hosting, everyone is splitting it. If DH knew that he would be expect to pay his share for the two of you and he did not tell his sister you wanted to bring food and have it included in the tab then that is on him. 5 years of doing it that way, he should have warned you.

In my family we have holiday meals at one person's house, but that doesn't mean we expect them to pay for everything. Sorry, but I think your DH was in wrong on this one.

100%, but he's known to forget the "non important things in life", or at least that's what he says.

Well then I guess I don't understand what your question is - it's his fault, not hers. When families decide how they are going to run their own holiday then it's not fair for others to judge the way they run it. SHe didn't change the rules or start charging on her own accord. 

I get that you are just starting a discussion, but I'm sad to see people attacking your SIL calling her tacky and cheap. She didn't do anything wrong. She did what the family had done for the last 5 years. The only thing she did wrong was tell you what was owed - she should have approached DH as it was an agreement between them, not you. 

No offense meant

Lily9911

photokitty said:

Lily9911 said:

photokitty said:

I think if it was the norm and how it had always been then it was up to DH to tell you up front. If the family agreed to this then she is not really hosting, everyone is splitting it. If DH knew that he would be expect to pay his share for the two of you and he did not tell his sister you wanted to bring food and have it included in the tab then that is on him. 5 years of doing it that way, he should have warned you.

In my family we have holiday meals at one person's house, but that doesn't mean we expect them to pay for everything. Sorry, but I think your DH was in wrong on this one.

100%, but he's known to forget the "non important things in life", or at least that's what he says.

Well then I guess I don't understand what your question is - it's his fault, not hers. When families decide how they are going to run their own holiday then it's not fair for others to judge the way they run it. SHe didn't change the rules or start charging on her own accord. 

I get that you are just starting a discussion, but I'm sad to see people attacking your SIL calling her tacky and cheap. She didn't do anything wrong. She did what the family had done for the last 5 years. The only thing she did wrong was tell you what was owed - she should have approached DH as it was an agreement between them, not you. 

No offense meant

Well, in her defense I suppose she is actually cheap. I mean that in a good way though since she's said it herself. She's always worried about money and never likes owing people and will always remind you if you owe her anything. 

But even though it WAS a tradition for the previous 5 years, now that I think about it, it was HER idea, and she is a host. It was her plan to get that tradition started. I say if you wanna throw a party once a year for the family, its your responsibility to pay for it. 

But the other part with my DH forgetting that's how it went, of course that's his oopsie. I didn't actually have a question, I asked if anyone had any comments on this or similar stories. 

This discussion was basically a FREE FOR ALL.

And no offense taken.

tammym1001

For Thanksgiving everyone in my family would bring food to my aunt's house. One year she decided to make it "easier" on everyone she would provide everything and just charge everyone $10. This happened for a couple of years and then everyone stopped going to her house because they felt like she was making a profit on Thanksgiving dinner. She switched back to having everyone bring something and everyone started going again.

I thought she was crazy for doing that, but now I see that other people do that too. LOL When we host something at our house we host everything. I realize not everyone does that, but if I can't afford to provide a meal for everyone then I just wouldn't have them over. That's just my opinion though.

jessicabessica

I'm with @photokitty on this.  Your H should have told you.  $65 for 2 people does seem steep, but if that's what it always has been, then that's what it is and you decide if you want to decline the invitation or attend (or maybe now that you're BFFs with your SIL, you can shop with her to help keep costs down).  

I absolutely would not have expected your SIL to pay for the food you made and brought on your own.  It would be one thing if you asked her what you can bring and she didn't make items because you were bringing them, but it sounds like you just brought whatever you wanted.  

EverAfer

I think your husband is on the wrong here for not telling you about the agreement.  And if this is what the family has agreed to do, then I wouldn't call her cheap. If your FI doesn't like it, he a) could have chosen to not participate or b) offer to host.

We also have an annual bbq that involves about 40-50 people at a rented picnic site, probably more but hard to do headcount.  People's options are to figure what they're bringing with the coordinator or to give $pp to cover the cost of food (depends on whether they need to supplement the food being brought), soda, site rental fees/grills and fuels/trash bags, etc.  If someone doesn't offer to coordinate--there's no annual bbq.  I'm grateful that we have an awesome volunteer in our group that makes the effort to do this.

For some family gathering, I have offered money to cover food costs.  It's easier for me to do that then to try to cook and bring something.  In which case, I think it's awesome that there's someone else willing to put the time and effort.

huskypuppy14

I think the amount of money is the issue.  65 dollars for a bbq per couple- I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous!

Lily9911

jessicabessica said:

I'm with @photokitty on this.  Your H should have told you.  $65 for 2 people does seem steep, but if that's what it always has been, then that's what it is and you decide if you want to decline the invitation or attend (or maybe now that you're BFFs with your SIL, you can shop with her to help keep costs down).  

I absolutely would not have expected your SIL to pay for the food you made and brought on your own.  It would be one thing if you asked her what you can bring and she didn't make items because you were bringing them, but it sounds like you just brought whatever you wanted.  

I just wanted to explain a little further. At that time DH and I were living with his mother, and we always had parties and what not at her house because it was big enough to fit everyone (DH has a large family). 

So yes, my DH completely forgot that my SIL brings the food (which is pre cooked, you just need to heat it up) and we would have to pay for the food. I thought it was just a BBQ, I've cooked several times for his family and never asked for any money at the end of the meal so I thought it was the same thing. 

But I thought that $65 at the end of the night for the both of us, for food we didn't even eat was a bit steep. I had no issue paying for food if that's what they do (my family doesn't do that, if you cook and bring food for a party it's for everyone no question) but I had spent a lot of money on my dish that I actually prepared and cooked. Also, because we were saving every dime, we really couldn't just hand over that 65 at the time.

I think I thought so badly about this whole thing because in my eyes she wasn't really the "host". She made herself in charge (BEFORE I entered the family) because A. she was the only one with a Costco membership and knew they made pre-cooked food. and B. everyone in the family was so afraid of her that they just let her do and say whatever.

I'm happy that now, we all are in charge of bringing a dish to her home (they have since moved into a house that can fit everyone). No one pays for anything and we all clean up after the meal is over. I prefer that way more than the old way.