Proper etiquette is difficult!

yellowdaisies84

I feel like I have learned A LOT about proper etiquette especially relating to weddings from research on the Internet. And this forum has helped me to learn a lot about different people's views on what proper etiquette is. It has helped me to learn popular opinions and unpopular opinions, and I feel like I have mostly been able to check sources that I think are reliable (I like Emily Post) to get the 'final' answer when there are discrepancies. 

I know I can't be the only frustrated person who finds that knowing 'proper etiquette' can actually be quite frustrating when nobody else around you follows it or even knows about it. And politely informing people about what proper etiquette is usually doesn't work- it either leads to the person feeling strongly that they know better because of weddings they've been to before or what people they know have said- or even dismissing you immediately with "Oh I could care less about all that proper etiquette wedding stuff. It's so stupid. I'm going to do things the way that I want to do things..." And when they ask me to site my source and all I have is 'the internet' or 'the knot etiquette forum' most people I know are not concerned about that. It's fine with me, I am not judgmental of other people following or not following etiquette that I believe to be right. But sometimes, I wish that I didn't know as much as I did because it frustrates me when I go out of my way to follow it and nobody around me notices or returns it back my way. Which has made me wonder more than once- what is the point of following etiquette strongly supported on internet etiquette forums when it goes against the 'etiquette norm' in my area, my circle of friends, my generation? 

Sometimes I have felt like going out of my way to follow proper etiquette when I got married was pointless when nobody around me recognized it. And when I'm a bridesmaid for others they don't follow any etiquette at all and I don't want to get annoyed or frustrated or judgmental. Sometimes I feel like it actually would be easier to be polite if I didn't know all the etiquette rules! Well, I don't really know all of them. Just more than most of my friends and family are interested to know. It doesn't seem to matter to others, and I've even felt silly admitting that I was researching etiquette. 

It's like if a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around to hear it kind of thing. If I didn't know that it was rude to have my husband sit at a different table when I'm your bridesmaid, would it occur to me to be annoyed? I think I actually may have preferred to be blissfully unaware! 

CMGragain

Following proper etiquette is not as difficult as dealing with rude and ignorant people who do not follow it!

phira

I like to think of it as giving people fewer things to complain about. One way to deal with improper etiquette as a bridesmaid is to opt out of stuff you don't agree with. "Hey, just double checking that everyone on this guest list for the shower is also invited to the wedding ... okay, who isn't on the wedding guest list? ... I get that, but if you're going to insist on inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding, I won't feel comfortable hosting."

misssunshine17

I get it. In my area, cash bars are completely the norm. Like literally, every venue we toured thought we were CRAZY to be offering beer & wine. It would have been way easier and saved us 2k to not do the right thing... but we did, and SO many of our guests commented how well taken care of they were. 

ktjanesmom

So for years and years people were exhibiting poor etiquette by having a head table for the bridal party?  Really?  Or just bad taste maybe.  I was in a few weddings in my day and I never thought twice about being separated from my husband to sit at a head table. 

tcnoble

I feel the exact same way!! I have a few friends that are wedding planning right now, and have spent zero time on the knot or any other wedding resource. FI and I were at a get together with one said friend last night, and as my FI has also become well versed in wedding etiquette via me, when this friend mentioned the word "honeyfund" my FI turned to me and gave me a look like what?!! But our friend really doesn't think this is bad... Same as the friend who is putting together her timeline and has a 2.5 hour gap - I've even sent her links to these forums as a hint but get nowhere. I guess the saying "ignorance is bliss" suits some of these people... They didn't know wedding etiquette before they were engaged/planning, and they have zero intentions of learning proper etiquette now. Admittedly my FI gets a little annoyed when I shoot down ideas and blame it on etiquette, but I would rather know these things and not have a wedding that people talk about for the wrong reasons! It's a shame not everyone feels the same way, can't save em all!!

APDSS22

One of my husband's relative's first impression of me was receiving a thank you card for the gift they sent prior to the wedding before attending the wedding.  Apparently at the reception, she was telling anyone who would listen how amazingly polite we are as a couple.  There are some lights in this dark wilderness.

MGP

yellowdaisies84 said:

Which has made me wonder more than once- what is the point of following etiquette strongly supported on internet etiquette forums when it goes against the 'etiquette norm' in my area, my circle of friends, my generation? 

You know why?  Because it costs $0 to take the high road. It may require some tough decisions, but $0 to treat people well. Seriously what's the WORST they can say?

"Oh look at this they invited my significant other and I both!"

"Oh look at this a chair for every butt!  And an added bonus we are not freezing or sweating with an inappropriate outdoor event!"

"They started on time and didn't have us wait on anything!"

"We had a full meal and drinks we didn't have to pay for."

"We were never asked for money or gifts."

"We received a sincere thank you note in a timely manner."

I would (and did) make every tough decision possible to have feedback like that about my wedding.  I just wish other people would too. 

JCbride2015

I know it can be frustrating.  I'm 26 and I agree that a lot of my generation have not been taught properly.  But many of us have (or we take the time to learn for ourselves) and now that I am learning about proper etiquette, there's no going back.  One of my close friends got married last year, with a 3 or 4 hour gap, Honeyfund, and shower requesting cash or Honeyfund donations; another family friend just had a cash-only shower and then misspelled my name on our invitation; my FSIL is talking about B-listing people.  I am excited to be an excellent host for all of them at our wedding.  Even if they don't really know what they did wrong, at least I hope they appreciate being hosted well.

ETA: but it isn't only a generational thing either.  Lots of older people still have the "guests pay for their plate" expectation of gifts, or don't understand that all invitees to pre-wedding parties must get invited to the wedding.  And people of any age can be rude or gift-grabby.  FMIL tried to add friends of hers to the engagement party because they would give nice checks, and it was cheaper to do that than invite them to the wedding.  WHAT?  This was a situation where even though those who pay have a say, Fi had to set her straight.

EverAfer

It is frustrating, esp since alot of people are offering unsolicited advice-sometimes they're thinking about you and not your responsibility as host.  But if you follow etiquette, then at least you know you are doing right by your guests.

Think back to that wedding you went to, when you were annoyed or uncomfortable. I imagine everyone has been to at least one-if not check out the worst wedding thread. Not enough chairs, food, long gap etc.. You noticed but you didn't complain to the couple.  But you noticed.

I'm pretty sure by the time we have our wedding, more than a few guests will have an "aha" etiquette moment. I'm still waiting (though not holding my breath) for a thank yous from a couple of people for gifts received.  I can't wait to get their wedding gifts (not expecting it) but would love to show them how to send a proper thank you.

People will notice, even if they're not aware that you're just following etiquette. They'll be pleasantly surprised at least.

sandrabrooke

I absolutely know where your coming from!!! 

At my dry wedding, people complained so much that the bar wasn't open that the bar became a cash bar later fairly early in the night.  (My Inlaws were paying and made that decision unilaterally....i mentioned to them i didnt like that after.  Despite saying no initially, they never figured out the PROBLEM with the cash bar so they did it anyway)

Not only did people feel happy when the bar was open, they started giving us EXTRA cash because we were not having the typical "dry" wedding that most people in our circle had.  The fact we had a cash bar made it so they liked our wedding more and gave us more.  I cringe saying this, but oh my gosh.  

Etiquette needs to be a class in school.    I am still cringing.  

BlueBirdMB

I agree that it's difficult to deal with ignorant people who don't know better.  When you do follow etiquette though, people may not understand what you are really doing, but they will feel comfortable and relaxed because they have been well hosted.  

OP, I'd suggest using Miss Manners as a final say in etiquette- Emily Post advice has changed significantly in recent years to perpetuate myths the wedding industry likes to spread to garner more business.  

Viczaesar

ktjanesmom said:

So for years and years people were exhibiting poor etiquette by having a head table for the bridal party?  Really?  Or just bad taste maybe.  I was in a few weddings in my day and I never thought twice about being separated from my husband to sit at a head table. 

Yes. 

coronado11

I know what you mean! Every time i say something about etiquette people are rolling there eyes. They say im over-thinking everything and stressing myself out for no reason. *sigh* I feel that there not going to understand that my wedding will have beer and mimosas only and they are going to complain as to why I dont just let those who want to drink hard liquor buy it. I dont want it to be an option!

kgd7357

Ugh. Explaining etiquette to my FI and parents is such a pain in the butt.

My FI can't get off B-listing (I have all the invites, so there is no way this is happening) or including a honeymoon fund (which I've now swapped with a BB&B registry). He is relatively easy though, I just fix the error and he doesn't even notice.

My dad's favorite line is: "invite them, they won't come, but they'll send a gift". Ugh. How do you know they wont come? Do you want them to come? Will you be excited that they come? Do we have space to host them properly?

My mother is the worst, and I've been looking to rant about this.

My mother does not understand that SOs MUST be invited. When I told her that we really can't add on any more people that we were hoping to invite b/c too many of our single guests that got STDs started dating people, she flipped out. We all agreed to the STD list when it went out and knew this might happen.

She is hosting a "Honeymoon Send Off Party" a month after our wedding. The Party is NOT a wedding nor is it a second reception. It's just a party in our backyard with food, drinks, and music. I'm going to wear a sun dress, not a wedding dress, there will be no ceremony and no cake. I agreed to it b/c we usually have an end of summer party at the house and we really are leaving on our honeymoon the next day. She ordered STDs for this party without telling me and they read something along the lines of "Save the date to celebrate with MYFIRSTNAME MYLASTNAME and HISFIRSTNAME HISLASTNAME at their second hometown reception after our DC destination wedding on DATE." There is so much wrong with this in so few words. I LIVE IN DC. It is not a destination wedding. It's 15 minutes from my house and 70% of the guest can get here in less than 5 hours driving. It's NOT a second reception. Also, it's "our" wedding, who is the "our" she is refering too? The wording basically says you were not important enough to come to the wedding so this is your consolation prize. Also, why is my last name on there? I'm going to be married at this party. It makes it seem like I'm not. I am changing my name and no last name is required anyway. I'm so glad I caught these before the went out. I conviced her that if she really wants to send a STD that an evite is fine, and I MUST see it first.

So I asked the reason for these STDs and she said, so I can invite these people to the shower too. This way they'll know that even though they aren't invited to the wedding they are invited to something. WHAT? Just no. It's like banging my head against the wall.

csuave

It can be hard but hopefully when someone sees the proper etiquette in action it then has the potential to catch on. 

A couple of people in my family were shocked that we were doing a sweetheart table.  They were only used to the "traditional" head table.  I explained to my mom that it was more polite and that it allowed MOH to sit with her husband, etc.  If anyone commented on the sweetheart table to my mom I hope that she shared the reasoning.  Maybe it will start to take root with people as a good idea now that they have actually seen it. 

The first time I saw a sweetheart table (long before I ever came to TK) I heard the explanation and it was like *lightbulb* what a great idea.