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Can you please just let me have my day?! *VENT*

KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
I got engaged in 2007. It didn't work out, for reasons I don't care to go into, BUT I had been engaged less than a month when my sister announced that she was also engaged, they picked a date that was earlier than my date, and all my wedding planning had to go on the back-burner so her wedding could be planned. I was not thrilled at the time. But it didn't work out for me, so in a roundabout way she saved me a lot of heartache. She got married in 2008, and divorced in 2011.

In September I got engaged again. In October, so did she. She assured me at the time that she had no intention of getting married for another year at least, that she'd done it once and was in no rush to do it again. We recently set our date for the end of October 2014, she's just told me she's set her date for mid-June 2014.

I know I'm probably being petty, but I really feel like she is doing this on purpose, that she can't just let me have my day. I don't feel I can bring this up with her without it becoming a huge thing.

Last week she told me she had bought a dress to wear to a NYE party, to my wedding, her best friend's wedding, and two other weddings next year. I think that's great - times are hard and I don't want anyone to have to spend unnecessary money on my wedding, especially if they're not part of my BP. Then she tells me that she's having a black-and-white wedding, and her guests have to wear black-and-white, absolutely no colour. Which basically means I have to go out and buy something to wear because my I don't have any plain white clothing and my only black clothing is not suitable for the evening in the middle of winter (southern hemisphere).

I'm just hugely annoyed right now, and I probably shouldn't be.
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Re: Can you please just let me have my day?! *VENT*

  • @urbaneca

    I would be slightly annoyed with the clothes thing but honestly I wouldn't even focus on what happened in 2007. And yes you will have your day and she will have hers. Yes she picked a date before you again but oh well. She didn't pick the same day as you so I can understand your annoyance with it but I don't think it's necessary. I am positive that you're day will be awesome and special and that everyone there will be focused on you and you groom. Also, your sister may have reasons for picking that date (unknown to you). I would continue with planning your wedding and don't share any details with her (if you're worried about her copying them) and don't let it get to you.
    KytchynWitcheCLoGreenEyes
  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    CMGragain said:
    No, you are right.  You shouldn't be annoyed.  You get ONE DAY.  Yours is in October.  Your sister's is in June.  I bet by morning, you'll feel better.  Enjoy YOUR DAY.  (It is also your FI's day, your family's day, and his family's day, too.  It isn't all about you, unless you decide to elope.)

    PS.  Your sister's idea about telling her guests what they have to wear to her wedding is incredibly rude.  She will look like a fool if she goes through with this.  At least make sure that your plans are appropriate.
    Funny you should mention that. I actually wanted to elope, but FMIL would have a hissy, so in the interests of preventing WWIII we're doing the "proper" wedding thing (her words, not mine). We're taking the families into account and making sure that, as far as possible, everyone will be happy.

    I couldn't agree more about the rudeness factor though. Yuck. Our plans are definitely appropriate - we're not dictating to our guests on any level, and it's going to be a fairly laid-back ceremony followed by a simple lunch. We're going simple because that's what we can afford. Our guests will not have to host themselves, or be told how to dress or what to do.

    I'm going to have a glass of wine before bed tonight, and hope things look better in the morning.
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    hlvonb
  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    hlvonb said:
    @urbaneca

    I would be slightly annoyed with the clothes thing but honestly I wouldn't even focus on what happened in 2007. And yes you will have your day and she will have hers. Yes she picked a date before you again but oh well. She didn't pick the same day as you so I can understand your annoyance with it but I don't think it's necessary. I am positive that you're day will be awesome and special and that everyone there will be focused on you and you groom. Also, your sister may have reasons for picking that date (unknown to you). I would continue with planning your wedding and don't share any details with her (if you're worried about her copying them) and don't let it get to you.
    Thanks.

    I'm not worried about her copying me - our styles are very different. Honestly, it's about more than just the engagements. Every time I get a little sunshine she makes a scene or does something to pull the focus back to her, and it's been this way since we were kids. I think she has some kind of scarcity mentality - she's always got to get there first, get the bigger portion, have the better stuff.

    Anyway, I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.
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  • urbaneca said:
    hlvonb said:
    @urbaneca

    I would be slightly annoyed with the clothes thing but honestly I wouldn't even focus on what happened in 2007. And yes you will have your day and she will have hers. Yes she picked a date before you again but oh well. She didn't pick the same day as you so I can understand your annoyance with it but I don't think it's necessary. I am positive that you're day will be awesome and special and that everyone there will be focused on you and you groom. Also, your sister may have reasons for picking that date (unknown to you). I would continue with planning your wedding and don't share any details with her (if you're worried about her copying them) and don't let it get to you.
    Thanks.

    I'm not worried about her copying me - our styles are very different. Honestly, it's about more than just the engagements. Every time I get a little sunshine she makes a scene or does something to pull the focus back to her, and it's been this way since we were kids. I think she has some kind of scarcity mentality - she's always got to get there first, get the bigger portion, have the better stuff.

    Anyway, I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.
    @urbaneca

    I am sorry to hear that it has always been like this but I agree that you will be fine in the morning.
  • CMGragain said:
    No, you are right.  You shouldn't be annoyed.  You get ONE DAY.  Yours is in October.  Your sister's is in June.  I bet by morning, you'll feel better.  Enjoy YOUR DAY.  (It is also your FI's day, your family's day, and his family's day, too.  It isn't all about you, unless you decide to elope, and even then you share the day with your FI.)

    PS.  Your sister's idea about telling her guests what they have to wear to her wedding is incredibly rude.  She will look like a fool if she goes through with this.  At least make sure that your plans are appropriate.
    This x100! I don't think your sister's wedding should have any bearing or comparison to yours. You are each happy enough to get to marry the person you love. Be happy for her and let it go, pronto.

    Second the fact that her delegating what the guests wear is tacky and etiquette-less. Be more mindful of your guests than she is being.

    doeydo
  • The good thing is that if your sister does try to purposefully outshine you during your engagement (at times when it should be about you, such as your bridal shower, etc.), she'll just look selfish and petty.

    Also, remember that this is her second wedding, and your first. People will be excited for you and provide you with the attention you want and deserve, but may be a little less over-the-moon for her because she has been through this process before. It sucks that it happens that way for second-time brides, but I've seen it occur a few times now.

    Finally, everything PPs said. All that matters is your day -- and by 'your', I mean you and FI celebrating the love you and FI have and are sharing with your families and friends. Just remember that she can't take away the excitement for you if you don't let her :)


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    Emmy1493melbelleup
  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013

    The gap is pretty big. Four months is plenty of time if you want to get a shower in or a bach party. If she picked the weekend before yours that would be sort of annoying. Just get your STDs out in plenty of time, so important people can plan for both events if they are invited to both. If they can only attend one, then they will just have to choose.

    Also, try to borrow a dress from a friend. Don't buy one just because you have to. If you can't find one, no big deal. Half the guests wont be in the right color anyway because this is a strange request from your sister. If I saw a dress code on an invite, I'd roll my eyes, then probably follow it if I had a dress that worked and just ignore it if I didn't.

    melbelleup
  • Sorry, one day per person. My wedding is June 28, 2014. My brothers is July 19, 2014. Only three weeks in between them... I'm not complaining, they're not complaining. Okay, I complained a little because they were taking all of my ideas. But needless to say, it's all gravy now. I made sure my STDs went out before her's. We were engaged Dec. 31st 2012, they were engaged in I think March? No biggy.
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  • urbaneca said:
    hlvonb said:
    @urbaneca

    I would be slightly annoyed with the clothes thing but honestly I wouldn't even focus on what happened in 2007. And yes you will have your day and she will have hers. Yes she picked a date before you again but oh well. She didn't pick the same day as you so I can understand your annoyance with it but I don't think it's necessary. I am positive that you're day will be awesome and special and that everyone there will be focused on you and you groom. Also, your sister may have reasons for picking that date (unknown to you). I would continue with planning your wedding and don't share any details with her (if you're worried about her copying them) and don't let it get to you.
    Thanks.

    I'm not worried about her copying me - our styles are very different. Honestly, it's about more than just the engagements. Every time I get a little sunshine she makes a scene or does something to pull the focus back to her, and it's been this way since we were kids. I think she has some kind of scarcity mentality - she's always got to get there first, get the bigger portion, have the better stuff.

    Anyway, I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow.
    I had a friend copy me and purposely get married a month before me. She even had her FI upgrade her engagement ring to look more vintage, just like mine. 

    But yea, you'll get over it in no time. Shake it off and take it as a compliment.
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    urbaneca said:
    I got engaged in 2007. It didn't work out, for reasons I don't care to go into, BUT I had been engaged less than a month when my sister announced that she was also engaged, they picked a date that was earlier than my date, and all my wedding planning had to go on the back-burner so her wedding could be planned. I was not thrilled at the time. But it didn't work out for me, so in a roundabout way she saved me a lot of heartache. She got married in 2008, and divorced in 2011.

    In September I got engaged again. In October, so did she. She assured me at the time that she had no intention of getting married for another year at least, that she'd done it once and was in no rush to do it again. We recently set our date for the end of October 2014, she's just told me she's set her date for mid-June 2014.

    I know I'm probably being petty, but I really feel like she is doing this on purpose, that she can't just let me have my day. I don't feel I can bring this up with her without it becoming a huge thing.

    Last week she told me she had bought a dress to wear to a NYE party, to my wedding, her best friend's wedding, and two other weddings next year. I think that's great - times are hard and I don't want anyone to have to spend unnecessary money on my wedding, especially if they're not part of my BP. Then she tells me that she's having a black-and-white wedding, and her guests have to wear black-and-white, absolutely no colour. Which basically means I have to go out and buy something to wear because my I don't have any plain white clothing and my only black clothing is not suitable for the evening in the middle of winter (southern hemisphere).

    I'm just hugely annoyed right now, and I probably shouldn't be.
    I don't get how your sister's joyful occasion has anything to do with how you plan or how happy you are about your own upcoming wedding? I am confused by your statement about how your planning goes on hold for hers. Doesn't she and her fiance and perhaps a coordinator plan her wedding and you and your fiance plan yours? I don't get the big deal. Seriously. People can be happy about multiple things simultaneously. 
    doeydo
  • My definition of a "proper wedding" = bride, groom, officiant, license, witnesses. (This means that a PPD isn't proper because there is no license.)
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    wajohnson09
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Re: her stupid dress code, I would wear the reddest damn dress I could find.
    Or at least something in a very obvious grey...*innocently* what? It's black mixed with white :)

    GrrArghMrsDeRuyter87
  • KytchynWitcheKytchynWitche Ridin' the Zebra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    lc07 said:

    urbaneca said:
    I got engaged in 2007. It didn't work out, for reasons I don't care to go into, BUT I had been engaged less than a month when my sister announced that she was also engaged, they picked a date that was earlier than my date, and all my wedding planning had to go on the back-burner so her wedding could be planned. I was not thrilled at the time. But it didn't work out for me, so in a roundabout way she saved me a lot of heartache. She got married in 2008, and divorced in 2011.

    In September I got engaged again. In October, so did she. She assured me at the time that she had no intention of getting married for another year at least, that she'd done it once and was in no rush to do it again. We recently set our date for the end of October 2014, she's just told me she's set her date for mid-June 2014.

    I know I'm probably being petty, but I really feel like she is doing this on purpose, that she can't just let me have my day. I don't feel I can bring this up with her without it becoming a huge thing.

    Last week she told me she had bought a dress to wear to a NYE party, to my wedding, her best friend's wedding, and two other weddings next year. I think that's great - times are hard and I don't want anyone to have to spend unnecessary money on my wedding, especially if they're not part of my BP. Then she tells me that she's having a black-and-white wedding, and her guests have to wear black-and-white, absolutely no colour. Which basically means I have to go out and buy something to wear because my I don't have any plain white clothing and my only black clothing is not suitable for the evening in the middle of winter (southern hemisphere).

    I'm just hugely annoyed right now, and I probably shouldn't be.
    I don't get how your sister's joyful occasion has anything to do with how you plan or how happy you are about your own upcoming wedding? I am confused by your statement about how your planning goes on hold for hers. Doesn't she and her fiance and perhaps a coordinator plan her wedding and you and your fiance plan yours? I don't get the big deal. Seriously. People can be happy about multiple things simultaneously. 
    Yeah, I forgot that normal people actually hire planners and such. In my family, my mom does the planning because she is amazing at planning events. Basically when the whole 2007 thing happened, my mom and I were in the middle of planning my wedding (then-FI was overseas, so he wasn't involved much other than saying "no, I don't like that idea" or "yes, go ahead"), my sister announced she was engaged and picked a date that was significantly earlier than mine, as in "we have to get moving on this right now or everything will be booked". She and my mom felt it would be best to focus on her wedding first, get through it, and then worry about mine. As it turns out, it was for the best, because I then found out that not only was then-FI a cheater, but that I was actually the other woman - total blindside on that one. And she has actually admitted that in she did what she did in 2007 because she wanted to one-up me.

    As for what's happened recently, I'm over it already. Honestly, I'm more upset over her stupid enforced dress code than I am over the wedding thing. Having talked it out with FI last night, and reflected on it for a while, I've come to the conclusion that it was never really about the weddings, but about the fact that for 20-something years, if I've gotten/done something, she has to get/do it better. But whatevs, right? I'm used to it by now, and her behaviour is a reflection on her, not on me.

    @CMGragain - I couldn't agree more. Like I said, FMIL's words, not mine.

    Anyway, yeah it's her second wedding, she's got a much smaller guest list, she's not inviting any of the family except me (apparently), she's enforcing a ridiculous dress code which I'm fairly certain she got from a movie, and she's just generally being a bigger bridezilla the second time around (and she was a pretty big bridezilla the first time - did I mention she uninvited me and my mom from her first wedding two weeks before the time?). I have actually had people tell me that they are happier for me than they are for her, so whatevs.

    Just reminding myself every so often that when she tries to steal my thunder, she's the one who looks petty, not me.
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    pumpkinsandturkeys
  • I kind of get what you mean about the time leading up to your wedding...but really that day will be all about you. My FI's sister got engaged shorty before us (actually my FI put off asking me when he found out she was getting engaged so as not to take away from her "time") So the whole year leading up to her wedding (6 months before mine) was all about their wedding. Some family members even forgot that FI and I were engaged. I see why you are bummed but once her wedding was over it all shifted and it was really neat when people started showing interest in our special day; but really I was just more excited that I had to wait only 6 more months to marry my best friend! You can be bummed but don't let it ruin this experience for you, you can't go back and change your attitude when all is said and done. When both weddings are over this feeling will be forgotten and/or thought of as a waste of emotion.
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