Surprise wedding

purefluff

Gotcha.

thisismynickname2

OK, so, there are circumstances under which a surprise wedding can work, so let me tell a story.
A coworker of mine moved out of state with her military fiance. She is fairly low key and just wanted to be married, yet extended family were applying pressure for the big to-do. So, their parents agreed to help them throw an "engagement party" back in her hometown as soon as FI returned from overseas. They had it at a nice hotel and halfway through... she changed into the big white dress and surprise! Had the ceremony that night.
This worked because it suited the couple's low-key desires, let them escape family pressure for a big blowout event, and the nearest and dearest were local. Plus, the FI returned from a tour so people particularly were excited to celebrate.

A surprise wedding will surely be smaller and if that suits the couple, fine. Gifts should not factor into the equation.

Rebl90

I'm sorry, this is a terrible idea. Surprise parties are for birthdays, not weddings. I would seriously reconsider this.  You will lose a lot of people who would normally attend your wedding and you run the risk of damaging the relationships you have with your friends and family.

MadHops21

laurynm84 said:

GLEE!!! Tangled!!

GrrArgh

If I already had plans that day, I probably wouldn't break them for a party... there will be other parties. If I already had plans that day I would probably break them for a wedding, as that's not something that happens every year (hopefully.) don't put your guests in that position. 

It's not fun, it's not trendy, it's not a good plan. 

Believe it or not a vast majority of adults do not like surprises. Then there are the gifts, I typically bring a small boxed gift to a shower or party and then will do a larger or cash gift at the actual wedding. I'd feel horrible showing up with a shower gift and it turned out to be the wedding which would in turn make me have to decide to either write you a check right then and there or simply not give you a wedding gift. Regardless if you are asking for gifts or not, you will be putting your guests on the spot and that's NEVER a good plan.

kmmssg

I have to agree with everyone here.  On the list of wedding events e-parties rank lowest on the list of what I would attend so if I had other plans, I wouldn't break them to attend.

When it comes to logistics this would be super tricky.  People don't arrive to e-parties 15-20 minutes like they do for weddings, they arrive whenever.  I would feel horrible if I was making a noisy introduction during the couple's vows!

I really encourage you to reconsider this.

emmyg65

Is OP going to come back and explain the desire for the surprise wedding? I'm not a fan of surprise parties in general, so the only thing I can think of is that she's hoping for a low-key wedding. If so, there are other ways to accomplish that. 

You can plan a wedding so that it's a surprise, meaning people know it's a wedding, but you don't tell them any details beforehand. Or you can elope. Or just tell people you're going low-key and stick your guns, bean dipping when necessary. 

But planning an "engagement party" that turns out to be a wedding, where you're also hoping for gifts, is pretty much the worst way to go about it.

rajahmd

Anyone else suspicious of the fact that OP has yet to return?

In case she does ever come back, add me to the "this is a bad idea" list, for all the reasons previously covered.

delujm0

Surprise weddings are a bad idea, for all of the reasons mentioned above.  However, if OP is really set on having one, she needs to understand that it won't be a gift giving event.  Right now she's basically saying "we want to lie to our guests and surprise them with a wedding, but i can't figure out how to still make sure they buy me gifts." 

 

It's pretty horrible to be so concerned about gifts, but if that's really how you feel, have an actual wedding, with a shower, that your guests have the opportunity to plan for.  I'm really wondering why anyone would WANT to have a surprise wedding though.  As a guest, I would never travel from OOT for an engagement party, so if this had happened to me i'd get the invite and think "oh, i can't afford to get myself to the engagement party, i'll save up so that i can attend the wedding" and then when i found out that the engagement party WAS the wedding, i'd be really mad.

Fairyjen1

     I went to a surprise wedding about 10 years ago for a close family friend and it was fine. They had been dating for 14 years.

    The invites were to a catered outdoor dinner party in the summer. Completely hosted. Most of us suspected that they were going to announce their engagement, although nothing they did indicated that, but they had a quick ceremony right before dinner and then we ate. Gifts were never mentioned anywhere and I suspect they didn't really want or expect any. I sent them a congratulatory card after the fact. It was low key and a lot of fun, but only had close friends and family, maybe 40 people tops. 

   I'm sure someone somewhere was offended, but I liked it

cruffino

britney did this. need i say more?

lc07

I agree with the PPs about how this is not a good idea. One of my closest friends got engaged during a party. I was invited to the party but did not attend (we partied several days a week back then) because I was tired after work. My friend's "now husband" proposed to her that night and it was planned. Of course, my friend didn't know about it and I didn't fault her husband for keeping it a secret but I was SO bummed I didn't go when I would have gone come Hell or high water had I known.

So had this been their actual wedding day, I would have been majorly upset. And at the couple.

clarke10

To your GUESTS, this is going to come off as a bride hosting her own engagement party and registering for gifts. You have people not come just because is bad etiquette.

Also, I'm not likely to make much of an effort to travel for an engagement party, but I definitely would for a wedding. Many guests might feel the same. 

JellyBean52513

I attended a somewhat-surprise wedding. A close friend of my ex-FI told us, on graduation day from college, that he and his girlfriend were getting married that day and we were welcome to attend if we wanted, and they'd love to have us there. Ex-FI's cousins were visiting for the graduation, and they were invited to attend, too. We were pretty confused but we went to the wedding. It was being held at the home of a friends, whose father was a pastor and the officiant for the wedding. It was a dry wedding, and home-cooked food and cake were provided afterwards for the guests. There were about 25 people in attendance. We got there late, because we pretty much went straight after the graduation ceremony, and we walked in while they were in the middle of their vows. No gifts were ever mentioned or given (from what we could tell).

The whole thing was incredibly awkward, and the last-minute invitation made us feel like a complete and total after-thought....which was not how we enjoyed feeling, as we had personally helped this couple through a lot of turmoil. I know this is a slightly different situation, but it was still pretty surprising and a terribly inconvenient way to host a wedding. You risk making your guests/loved ones feel unimportant, because if they don't attend and they later find out they missed a wedding, they might feel like you didn't value their presence enough to inform them of exactly what was happening. 

sofakingmad

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

manateehugger

DragonBlood13 said:

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

I'm curious about what expectations - besides an actual invitation and notification to family and friends that this event is a wedding - that a surprise wedding would avoid. 

sofakingmad

PDKH said:

DragonBlood13 said:

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

I'm curious about what expectations - besides an actual invitation and notification to family and friends that this event is a wedding - that a surprise wedding would avoid. 

As many posters have mentioned, they hold a wedding in higher regard than just a party.  Maybe they want people to just come at will because they want to be there.  Not because it's a wedding and they are expected to be there.

I'm also not someone who loves weddings, but will go normally go because it's an important day for the bride and the groom and I'm honored to be invited.  

OnionBreath

I also think this is a bad idea.

thisismynickname2

PDKH said:

DragonBlood13 said:

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

I'm curious about what expectations - besides an actual invitation and notification to family and friends that this event is a wedding - that a surprise wedding would avoid. 

Given all the concerns we see on these boards with bridal parties, family pressure, family dynamics, etc, a surprise wedding can allow a low-key couple to have a nice celebration without the drama.

manateehugger

thisismynickname said:

DragonBlood13 said:

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

I'm curious about what expectations - besides an actual invitation and notification to family and friends that this event is a wedding - that a surprise wedding would avoid. 

Given all the concerns we see on these boards with bridal parties, family pressure, family dynamics, etc, a surprise wedding can allow a low-key couple to have a nice celebration without the drama.

LOL and a surprise wedding with crazy families wouldn't spark drama? I don't even consider my family to be dramatic, but I'd catch some major grief if I invited them to a party that turned out to be the wedding. 

NYCBruin

PDKH said:

thisismynickname said:

DragonBlood13 said:

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

I'm curious about what expectations - besides an actual invitation and notification to family and friends that this event is a wedding - that a surprise wedding would avoid. 

Given all the concerns we see on these boards with bridal parties, family pressure, family dynamics, etc, a surprise wedding can allow a low-key couple to have a nice celebration without the drama.

LOL and a surprise wedding with crazy families wouldn't spark drama? I don't even consider my family to be dramatic, but I'd catch some major grief if I invited them to a party that turned out to be the wedding. 

Agreed.  Think of the drama some people have to deal with for not including people in their wedding party, not inviting random extended family, not having some tradition, etc.  If people are going to be upset about those things, I imagine a surprise wedding would launch WWIII.

thisismynickname2

NYCBruin said:

PDKH said:

thisismynickname said:

PDKH said:

DragonBlood13 said:

If a couple wants to have a surprise wedding, then they will have accept that some people who are important to them will not be there.

But honestly, I have no issue with someone doing this.  Weddings bring such high expectations and doing something like this could be light and fun.

I'm curious about what expectations - besides an actual invitation and notification to family and friends that this event is a wedding - that a surprise wedding would avoid. 

Given all the concerns we see on these boards with bridal parties, family pressure, family dynamics, etc, a surprise wedding can allow a low-key couple to have a nice celebration without the drama.

LOL and a surprise wedding with crazy families wouldn't spark drama? I don't even consider my family to be dramatic, but I'd catch some major grief if I invited them to a party that turned out to be the wedding. 


Agreed.  Think of the drama some people have to deal with for not including people in their wedding party, not inviting random extended family, not having some tradition, etc.  If people are going to be upset about those things, I imagine a surprise wedding would launch WWIII.

I see everyone's points. Honestly, my coworker's surprise wedding was a hit so, just saying, it can be done.