To postpone or not?

spedteach4life

My FI is currently finishing school.  He has about 1.5 years left.  He is a nontraditional student and went back after we started dating.  He is currently not working due to being a disabled veteran.  My parents are pestering me to postpone the wedding until FI has a job.  I am working as a special education teacher and as long as I want my job I won't lose it.  I'm okay with FI not working or possibly finding a part time job only as long as he is working towards a degree.  Do I postpone to appease my parents or go ahead with the wedding planning?

Sidenote: My parents have not offered any wedding funds, we are not expecting any, and we plan to pay for everything ourselves.

JCbride2015

spedteach4life said:

My FI is currently finishing school.  He has about 1.5 years left.  He is a nontraditional student and went back after we started dating.  He is currently not working due to being a disabled veteran.  My parents are pestering me to postpone the wedding until FI has a job.  I am working as a special education teacher and as long as I want my job I won't lose it.  I'm okay with FI not working or possibly finding a part time job only as long as he is working towards a degree.  Do I postpone to appease my parents or go ahead with the wedding planning?

Sidenote: My parents have not offered any wedding funds, we are not expecting any, and we plan to pay for everything ourselves.

Former inclusion teacher here!  Glad to hear you have tenure and are happy in your job judging from your sn!  

Don't postpone to appease your parents.  If you and Fi are planning the wedding you can afford based on your salary, which it sounds like you are doing, there is no need to postpone.  This sounds to me like your parents are being judgy because your Fi isn't working, not like there is a practical reason to postpone.  Your parents should be proud to welcome your Fi to the family whether he is working or not.  A disabled vet working toward his degree deserves respect and thanks, not judgment.

EverAfer

Have your parents given any reason why you should wait, other than your FH being in school and not working?

If you can afford it without it being a financial burden to you, then go ahead with wedding planning. Just be aware that sometimes budget and guest list grows.

And, I agree, vets should be thanked and respected.

spedteach4life

EverAfer said:

Have your parents given any reason why you should wait, other than your FH being in school and not working? If you can afford it without it being a financial burden to you, then go ahead with wedding planning. Just be aware that sometimes budget and guest list grows. And, I agree, vets should be thanked and respected.

My parents have not given me a reason other than that they firmly believe men should provide for women.  My dad makes 6 figures and my mom works hourly at a church preschool.  FI lives with me and I am supporting him right now.  We want to plan a small wedding with a small budget, very DIY.  My aunt works for hobby lobby and can get discounts for our wedding stuff that we purchase including flowers.  I'm severely allergic to flowers (red face, runny nose, sneezy, swollen eyes, and that is with allergy medicine) and so is my dad. Real flowers aren't an option.

I also agree with both of you about vets being thanked and respected.  My FI hasn't gotten nearly enough of that.  He was injured pretty bad and then got bone cancer near his injuries.  He's had to fight for every penny he gets from the VA and it isn't nearly what he should get.  

KytchynWitche

How does FI feel about postponing? Is he happy with the date you have set currently? Only postpone the wedding if you and FI feel like you need/want to. Don't do it to make your parents happy - they're not supporting you and FI financially, nor are they contributing to the wedding budget, they get no say in the wedding.

misssunshine17

If you have the money to pay for your own wedding, I don't know why you would even consider this. Do you parents feel a job makes your FI more worthy of marrying you? It's not like he hasn't been in service or working toward an education. I think this is complete bullshit and I feel you should be angry with your parents since it sounds like they are questioning your FIs worth.

AddieCake

I wouldn't postpone. 

nsweare

I feel like you asked this question for one of two reasons. Either you don't want to postpone and are looking for validation, or there is a part of you that DOES want to postpone and was looking for others to give you some back up to not feel shitty about wanting to postpone. I don't think either option is right or wrong.

If you don't want to postpone obviously we all seem to agree that there is nothing wrong with going forward as planned. It's your and your FI's life and you need to do what's best for you.

If you want to postpone, same deal. It's your life. Don't do it because your parents have some antiquated idea of gender roles. Do it because it feels right for your relationship. There's no shame in waiting until your FI is done with school and is working.

Good luck OP!

Belthil

I think the reasons your parents provided are terrible. Many women, myself included, earn more than their husband. H was laid off just before we got married and struggled to find a job for a while. But we were able to support ourselves on my income so it was fine.

Things may happen later in life such as your FI losing his job but you're not going to divorce him because he no longer has an income. I think it's amazing that your FI is going to school especially after what he's been through and as PP said that should be respected not punished.

As long as you are comfortable with the situation and are able to afford your wedding there's no reason to postpone the wedding. 

karlipregler

I think if you both are financially comfortable continuing on with planning, then by all means continue. Don't let anyone else dictate what you should/shouldn't do. It's your decision.

spedteach4life

scribe95 said:

If you are comfortable with the plan and that you are the sole provider that's all that matters. Out of curiosity, why can't he get a part time job while going to school? You say he's a disabled veteran but won't he still be that after school?

FI is having a hard time finding a job where he won't be on his feet all day.  He has 2 knee replacements which wouldn't have been terrible but then he got cancer in the bone of his thigh (terrible with anatomy) where the replacements connect.  He can walk and stand but it is incredibly painful to do for long periods of time.  Hence the reason why retail, and food service are not an option.  We are looking into other options but until then I'm not pushing him hard to find a job.  He is getting a degree in sociology so that he can do Human resource work while pursuing a master's in counseling.

misssunshine17

spedteach4life said:

scribe95 said:

If you are comfortable with the plan and that you are the sole provider that's all that matters. Out of curiosity, why can't he get a part time job while going to school? You say he's a disabled veteran but won't he still be that after school?

FI is having a hard time finding a job where he won't be on his feet all day.  He has 2 knee replacements which wouldn't have been terrible but then he got cancer in the bone of his thigh (terrible with anatomy) where the replacements connect.  He can walk and stand but it is incredibly painful to do for long periods of time.  Hence the reason why retail, and food service are not an option.  We are looking into other options but until then I'm not pushing him hard to find a job.  He is getting a degree in sociology so that he can do Human resource work while pursuing a master's in counseling.

Is there a reason why you're ignoring my first post? I don't understand why this would be a consideration for you. 

spedteach4life

Sorry @misssunshine17!  Due to my parents and their enormous amount of family friends questioning everything I do, I've gotten in the habit of explaining why I make the decisions I make.  You are so right though.  It shouldn't be a consideration and I am upset with them about it.  FI has been through so much and done so much already in his life that I don't think anyone could be more worthy than him.  Thank you for reminding me of that!

JCbride2015

I agree with @misssunshine17 completely.  This sounds like a pretty clear-cut case that your parents get no say (since they aren't paying), so the decision should be 100% up to you and Fi.  Is there part of you that agrees with your parents?  If it's not about the gender roles, maybe part of you wants to wait for Fi to start working so you will have more money for your wedding?  Does Fi himself want to be working by the time he gets married?  I feel like there's got to be at least some part of you that is thinking about postponing, otherwise why post this at all.  That's totally cool, but it would help us bounce ideas around if we knew that.

My perspective about the whole provider thing is that it's BS.  Each of you is the provider for different things at different times.  Right after college, I was a teacher and Fi had an entry-level finance job; I made about $15k more than he did.  Then I went to law school, and I was way in the negative with student loans while Fi moved up at his company and recently got a better job-- now he is the provider.  This fall when I graduate, I will make over 3x Fi's salary.  I'll be the majority financial provider at that time.  Our plan is for him to stay home with future kids-- he'll provide valuable input for the family.  Each partner needs to be prepared to provide for the other one, regardless of gender or whether what you're providing is financial.

lc07

I think it's time to stand up and own your decisions. Or you shouldn't get married only because you are basing decisions on a judgement from your parents and not on what you and your future husband want in life together. Sounds like you aren't ready to get married if that's the case.

kmmssg

I'm a retired vet.  Please thank your FI warmly for me in appreciation of his service.

A couple of nosy questions here:  Is he using his GI Bill to go to school or is he attending a VA rehab kind of deal?

Is he a member of Disabled Veterans of America?  They are freaking phenominal in helping disabled vets whether it is combat related or service related disabilities.

I'm going to take my retired vet hat off and put my 4 time MOB hat on:

You and FI need to plan  your lives in a way that makes good financial sense for the both of you, not your parent's Victorian attitude.  Take them out of the picture and make your pros and cons list.  Figure out when it makes sense for you to get married.  Figure out the money and make sure you have some emergency funding for when your transmission goes out or something else comes out of the blue.

Spend far more time planning your lives and marriage than on your wedding and you will put yourself on a strong path.  Good luck to you!

ktjanesmom

I didnt read every word of previous posts so if I am repeating what has already been said I am sorry.  But I understand your parents point of view although not necessarily the suggestion you postpone.  I have a daughter and if she were in your situation I would also be concerned.  Lack of money can be very stressful on a relationship as I am sure you know and I am sure your folks simply have your peace of mind and comfort in mind. I guess I would just want to make sure that you clearly realize what you're getting into financially.  Someday you may become resentful that you're the only one working.

firebabe6519

If the current situation is what you are comfortable with then why postpone? Its ultimately up to what you and FI are happy with.

kgd7357

Don't postpone if you think you've done your homework and have a good plan for the future. Some people have asked why we are getting married now, since we wont be living in the same city for the next 2 years. My contract keeps me in DC until 2016 and he would take a HUGE pay cut to move here. It makes perfect sense to us, and is the most financially responsible thing to do. If you are making the choice to get married with all the info on the table and a good plan, you should do it, no matter what others think.

princessleia22

Don't postpone based on your parents. If you were to wait to get married and he doesn't get a better job than you after school, does that mean you would call of the engagement?  If the answer is no, then there is no point waiting.  Because that is probably what is going through their minds... that you shouldn't marry him unless he can support you... and if he can't support you then you shouldn't get married.  I see where they are coming from, but it is still antiquated thinking.

I am going through similar situation.  My FI got laid off from work shortly before we met.  After unsuccessful job search he decided to go to college, because he never liked the field he was working in anyway. He's worked part time while going to school, but he has made minimal income since we met and I've been supporting both of us.  I have a decent career and income. Everyone gave me a hard time about dating someone who is "unemployed" or working part time, even though he was in school, and even more negative comments when we got engaged... "Starting a new career at 40 years old isn't the responsible way to support a wife", "If he can't support you now, he never will".  It seemed like they would rather he find some crap job now rather then go to school and get a better career later.  But, I'd rather have a husband that is happy with his career and feels good about himself and like he's achieved something.  He has just recently gotten a full time job as part of his school program, so people have finally calmed down a bit about him, even though he only gets paid min. wage right now while in school.  But a lot of people told me to dump him or postpone the wedding until he was done with school and could "support me".  I'm sorry, but I worked my butt off in school to get a good career for myself so I could be financially independent... I don't need a husband to support me.  FI and I work as a team and it doesn't matter who makes more money.  I will probably always make more money than him, and that's okay, as long as he is doing something to contribute or working to better himself to contribute more later.  And I would prefer that he do something he loves and come home happy, rather than struggling everyday at a job he hates.  Being a team and supporting each other, means more than just financially.  It means we also have a responsibility to help support their dreams and goals.  I know that he would do the same if roles were reversed. 

And my mom has always had a more open mind about it, so at least I had her on my side.  She is very pro-education and got her bachelors degree when she was 50, so she can respect him going back to school. And she would tell me, "Well, if the situation was reversed and he was working while I was home or going to school, people would think how nice it was that he could support me while I fulfilled my dreams... why should it be any different when it's the other way around?".   She's able to move past the traditional gender role designations and support us.

triciaandkenswedding

Do what you think is best for you & your FI.   BTW - Your FI does have a job - recovering from his injuries / illness.  Being disabled isn't being unemployed.   Maybe your parents should see that difference.   My father is a disabled vet, he found contacting our local congressman did wonders to speed up the increase in his DI.  Also, many VFW posts have advocates that can also help him navigate thru the waters of the VA.

JCbride2015

nicoann said:

I am going through similar situation.  My FI got laid off from work shortly before we met.  After unsuccessful job search he decided to go to college, because he never liked the field he was working in anyway. He's worked part time while going to school, but he has made minimal income since we met and I've been supporting both of us.  I have a decent career and income. Everyone gave me a hard time about dating someone who is "unemployed" or working part time, even though he was in school, and even more negative comments when we got engaged... "Starting a new career at 40 years old isn't the responsible way to support a wife", "If he can't support you now, he never will".  It seemed like they would rather he find some crap job now rather then go to school and get a better career later.  But, I'd rather have a husband that is happy with his career and feels good about himself and like he's achieved something.  He has just recently gotten a full time job as part of his school program, so people have finally calmed down a bit about him, even though he only gets paid min. wage right now while in school.  But a lot of people told me to dump him or postpone the wedding until he was done with school and could "support me".  I'm sorry, but I worked my butt off in school to get a good career for myself so I could be financially independent... I don't need a husband to support me.  FI and I work as a team and it doesn't matter who makes more money.  I will probably always make more money than him, and that's okay, as long as he is doing something to contribute or working to better himself to contribute more later.  And I would prefer that he do something he loves and come home happy, rather than struggling everyday at a job he hates.  Being a team and supporting each other, means more than just financially.  It means we also have a responsibility to help support their dreams and goals.  I know that he would do the same if roles were reversed. 

Bolded: this, all of this!

MadHops21

spedteach4life said:

EverAfer said:

Have your parents given any reason why you should wait, other than your FH being in school and not working? If you can afford it without it being a financial burden to you, then go ahead with wedding planning. Just be aware that sometimes budget and guest list grows. And, I agree, vets should be thanked and respected.

My parents have not given me a reason other than that they firmly believe men should provide for women.  My dad makes 6 figures and my mom works hourly at a church preschool.  FI lives with me and I am supporting him right now.  We want to plan a small wedding with a small budget, very DIY.  My aunt works for hobby lobby and can get discounts for our wedding stuff that we purchase including flowers.  I'm severely allergic to flowers (red face, runny nose, sneezy, swollen eyes, and that is with allergy medicine) and so is my dad. Real flowers aren't an option.

I also agree with both of you about vets being thanked and respected.  My FI hasn't gotten nearly enough of that.  He was injured pretty bad and then got bone cancer near his injuries.  He's had to fight for every penny he gets from the VA and it isn't nearly what he should get.  

Ugh, my mom thinks this way. It's very old school thinking. I'm making double what my FI makes, but that doesn't mean anything. As long as we can support one another and have a healthy life, that's all that matters.