Wedding Party Requests

OnionBreath

Many friends became engaged this season, I'm really happy for them but 2 have already asked me to be in their wedding party. It makes me feel weird because I've been engaged since July and I haven't even assembled my party yet. We still haven't booked our venue or have a date set in stone.

The thing that's bugging me is that I would not select these individuals to be part of my own wedding party. Does that mean I should decline to be in theirs? or does that mean I have to have them in mine?

One is a girl I went to high school with, I don't feel very close to her the past several years, but we remain in contact. She doesn't have many friends.

The other is my fiance's sister and that's the only tie that we have. We are at family functions together and friendly but we aren't close by any means.

I feel like I'm going to have some hurt feelings when I don't ask these people to be my bridesmaids... I also can't afford to buy dresses, accessories, gifts, and contribute to bachelorette parties and showers when I'm planning my own wedding.  And then I think, are our dates going to overlap even? Will I be focusing on their wedding instead of mine when it's necessary?

Am I a bridezilla?

AddieCake

Weddings are not tit for tat. Just b/c you are in theirs does not mean you need to ask them to stand up with you. The 2 ladies you mention are not people I would ask. If you are not close with someone, he or she should not be in your bridal party. As a bridal party member, your involvement is minimal, and it should not affect your ability to handle your own wedding. 

JellyBean52513

If you choose to accept their invitations to a BM, that doesn't mean you have to ask them to stand up for you. If you don't feel particularly comfortable or happy about being a BM for either woman, then politely decline: "Thank you so much for thinking of me to stand up with you in your wedding. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't commit to standing up for you, but I'm honored you asked and I would love to witness your marriage as a guest."

manateehugger

Agreed with what Addie said - it's not tit for tat, so don't feel bad about that at all. If you don't want to be in the wedding party, just decline graciously. 

As far as budget, the only thing you should have to pay for is the dress. All other things, accessories, shower, etc., you can simply say are out of your budget if someone asks you for them. Your planning should be minimal. I've been in multiple weddings and have co-hosted showers and b-parties (because I wanted to, not because I was somehow required to), but I've had ZERO involvement in planning the actual wedding.

MyNameIsNot

You are not a bridezilla.  You are under no obligation to ask them just because they ask you, nor do you have to say yes if you'd rather not stand up.  

Technically, all you should have to do as a BM is to buy a dress within a budget you set, and show up at the wedding.  Parties, accessories and gifts are all optional.  But practically, if you'd feel bad completely unable to contribute to any of those things, it's something to consider in making those decisions.  Not all brides are polite enough to consider BM budgets in making up their expectations.  

OnionBreath

I've only been in one wedding but it cost me almost $1500. We had to host an engagement party, the shower, the bachelorette party, a hotel for the bachelorette party that I didnt even know about and didnt' stay at,  do a bridesmaid gift, buy a $300 dress (when I include alterations), and I somehow also had to pay for the bride's manicure.

Time wise - I had to make a bunch of her centerpieces, go to all her fittings, go to pick out dresses, seal all her invitations, go to countless shopping trips for shoes... oh I'm getting a headache thinking of it all.

This wasn't required?

huskypuppy14

OnionBreath said:

I've only been in one wedding but it cost me almost $1500. We had to host an engagement party, the shower, the bachelorette party, a hotel for the bachelorette party that I didnt even know about and didnt' stay at,  do a bridesmaid gift, buy a $300 dress (when I include alterations), and I somehow also had to pay for the bride's manicure.

Time wise - I had to make a bunch of her centerpieces, go to all her fittings, go to pick out dresses, seal all her invitations, go to countless shopping trips for shoes... oh I'm getting a headache thinking of it all.

This wasn't required?

Hell no!  That is absolutely ridiculous. I didn't do this much work for my own sister!  Other than buying the dress, all the other stuff is extra. Who made you do this?

ETA: Why oh why did you have to pay for a hotel you didn't even stay at. Usually, if you attend the bachelorette party you split the accommodations with everyone else attending (but not if you're not even staying there). You could have bought your own gift, and I'm not even going to touch buying the bride's manicure.

manateehugger

OnionBreath said:

I've only been in one wedding but it cost me almost $1500. We had to host an engagement party, the shower, the bachelorette party, a hotel for the bachelorette party that I didnt even know about and didnt' stay at,  do a bridesmaid gift, buy a $300 dress (when I include alterations), and I somehow also had to pay for the bride's manicure.

Time wise - I had to make a bunch of her centerpieces, go to all her fittings, go to pick out dresses, seal all her invitations, go to countless shopping trips for shoes... oh I'm getting a headache thinking of it all.

This wasn't required?

Holy crap!!! No, NONE of this was required at all, and she was a bridezilla for expecting it. 

I expect my girls to show up on time, dressed and groomed properly, to smile for pictures, and to have a blast. That's the only requirement. Anyone who demands more is being ridiculous. 

I know they are hosting a shower for me, but I know there's a couple girls who can't afford to co-host. Who cares?! I didn't ask them to be in my wedding so that they would spend hundreds of dollars celebrating me.

JellyBean52513

OnionBreath said:

I've only been in one wedding but it cost me almost $1500. We had to host an engagement party, the shower, the bachelorette party, a hotel for the bachelorette party that I didnt even know about and didnt' stay at,  do a bridesmaid gift, buy a $300 dress (when I include alterations), and I somehow also had to pay for the bride's manicure.

Time wise - I had to make a bunch of her centerpieces, go to all her fittings, go to pick out dresses, seal all her invitations, go to countless shopping trips for shoes... oh I'm getting a headache thinking of it all.

This wasn't required?

Absofuckinglutely not. THAT is bridezilla behavior. You don't HAVE to do anything as a BM except show up sober in a dress OKed by the bride. 

OnionBreath

I thought a lot of that was common.

 

Bride was my college roommate with a 300 person guest list that made things really expensive. She has a wealthy family and married into one which made it worse because her mother was never happy. We were going to prep food ourselves and have it at a school building that was cheap to rent, though nice and the mother made us have it at a fancy hotel. She contributed to it at that point.

 

Bachelorette Party: I agreed to be DD because I had to work the next morning that night, they got a $200 hotel room. Ok. They added it to the total bachelorette party bill then divided by 5 for the contributions. I didn’t notice at first.

 

Manicure - She gave us an itinerary for a few weeks leading up to the wedding. Her nail appointment was on it. I said that I’d go with her to get mine done. We went and at payment time, she pointed at me. Actually, I’m still really bitter about that.  

HisGirlFriday13

The only observation I would make is that your FSIL might be asking you as a way to get to know each other better. For the sake of family harmony -- and knowing now as you do that all you have to do is buy the dress -- I would probably agree to that one.

You two are going to be in each other's lives for the rest of your lives. You might end up really close in a few years and be glad you did this or sorry you missed it.

ETA: fix my phone's correction of FMIL to FSIL back to FSIL so my answer makes sense.

NeverTooManyShoes

Wow! I'd be bitter too! My bridesmaids originally wanted to do a weekend in a beach house for my hen's night (what we call the bachelorette party in Australia) but it was a bit pricey for one girl who is expecting a baby 8 weeks before the wedding so the plans have changed. I'm thrilled that they are organising something for me and actually relieved that it will be an inexpensive, fun day/night with my bridesmaids and close female friends/family. @OnionBreath Are you still friends with the bridezilla? I

NeverTooManyShoes

^ sorry for no paragraphs, silly iPad!!!!

Jen4948

You don't have to ask either of these people to be in your own wedding party. 

There's no requirement that you ask someone to be in yours because you were in theirs. But even if you're not close to your FSIL, she might be asking you by way of getting to know you better because you are marrying her brother.  I'd reserve judgment until you get actual evidence that she only asked you because you are her FSIL and for no other reason.  Even then, you don't have to agree to be in hers unless any possible family fallout from you refusing just isn't worth it.

OnionBreath

I am still friends with her but I haven't seen her much since the wedding. She didn't even acknowledge my birthday on Facebook. I called her on hers, and she told me she had to go because her mother (who she still lives with, yes) was calling her.

OnionBreath

Maybe that means we arent friends anymore, now that I think of it. Would you grudge on the manicure for over a year?

huskypuppy14

OnionBreath said:

I thought a lot of that was common.

 

Bride was my college roommate with a 300 person guest list that made things really expensive. She has a wealthy family and married into one which made it worse because her mother was never happy. We were going to prep food ourselves and have it at a school building that was cheap to rent, though nice and the mother made us have it at a fancy hotel. She contributed to it at that point.

 

Bachelorette Party: I agreed to be DD because I had to work the next morning that night, they got a $200 hotel room. Ok. They added it to the total bachelorette party bill then divided by 5 for the contributions. I didn’t notice at first.

 

Manicure - She gave us an itinerary for a few weeks leading up to the wedding. Her nail appointment was on it. I said that I’d go with her to get mine done. We went and at payment time, she pointed at me. Actually, I’m still really bitter about that.  

I think you need to have a better backbone and say no. Your friend sounds like a major bridezilla and very ballsy!

kgd7357

One of my BMs is getting married 2 weeks after me. I am not in her wedding, but will be attending all her pre wedding events, and I'm excited to be a guest on her wedding day. I don't have any sisters or close female relatives, so I went with my 4 best lady friends and my FIs sister. She is having her sister, 3 cousins, and her best friend. I didn't expect to be asked for her wedding party because I know she has a close family and she isn't my best friend (that's my MOH . My poor MOH has been in like 6 weddings, and only 2 of those girls (me and her little sorority sister) will be in hers. It's totally okay to accept if you would like to and not have them in yours. They will totally get it. I would at least invite them to your wedding if you decide to be in their parties.

On the BP duties note, some of that stuff is ridiculous! Some of the girls are splitting a room on the night of my bridal shower and bachelorette (same day), but no one is paying that isn't staying in the room. WTF is wrong with people.

ETA: Also, even if the girls are planning pre wedding events, you don't have to go to all of them. My FI's sister can't make my stuff b/c she is going to Ireland for St Pats with her BF, which sounds way more awesome than hanging in NYC. She felt bad, and I said that sexy Irish BFs really need to be put ahead of bar hopping in NYC.

jessicabessica

I would say yes if you want to be in their weddings.  The bride should not expect anything from the BMs except to buy an agreed-upon dress and show up sober to the wedding.  Although the brides should ask for a dress budget before picking something out, I think it would be reasonable to remind them if you decide to be in these weddings that you have a strict dress budget since you are saving for your own wedding.  

And I don't think you need to ask someone to be a BM just because she asked you, BUT I would ask your FI's sister.  You're not that close, so I'm guessing she only asked you because you going to be her SIL.  In some families, that's pretty common, and in the interest of family harmony and getting off on the right foot, I would reciprocate in this case.

huskypuppy14

jessicabessica said:

I would say yes if you want to be in their weddings.  The bride should not expect anything from the BMs except to buy an agreed-upon dress and show up sober to the wedding.  Although the brides should ask for a dress budget before picking something out, I think it would be reasonable to remind them if you decide to be in these weddings that you have a strict dress budget since you are saving for your own wedding.  

And I don't think you need to ask someone to be a BM just because she asked you, BUT I would ask your FI's sister.  You're not that close, so I'm guessing she only asked you because you going to be her SIL.  In some families, that's pretty common, and in the interest of family harmony and getting off on the right foot, I would reciprocate in this case.

Nope, completely disagree. It doesn't matter the reasons the SIL asked the OP. The OP is not obligated to have anyone in her bridal party that she doesn't want.  

ETA: but I would accept the invitation to be in her bridal party though.

NeverTooManyShoes

OnionBreath said:

Maybe that means we arent friends anymore, now that I think of it. Would you grudge on the manicure for over a year?

depends really, if the manicure is a one off "not cool/rude/bridezilla moment" or if this is typical behaviour. 

No one needs shitty friends.

jessicabessica

@laurynm84, I didn't say she was obligated to ask the FSIL.  My prior sentence was that she didn't need to ask anyone.  I was saying what I would do in that circumstance.  It's absolutely fine if you wouldn't do the same, but I think it's better advice to at least mention the possible family repercussions rather than treating the FSIL and the friend the same.

indianaalum

laurynm84 said:

jessicabessica said:

I would say yes if you want to be in their weddings.  The bride should not expect anything from the BMs except to buy an agreed-upon dress and show up sober to the wedding.  Although the brides should ask for a dress budget before picking something out, I think it would be reasonable to remind them if you decide to be in these weddings that you have a strict dress budget since you are saving for your own wedding.  

And I don't think you need to ask someone to be a BM just because she asked you, BUT I would ask your FI's sister.  You're not that close, so I'm guessing she only asked you because you going to be her SIL.  In some families, that's pretty common, and in the interest of family harmony and getting off on the right foot, I would reciprocate in this case.

Nope, completely disagree. It doesn't matter the reasons the SIL asked the OP. The OP is not obligated to have anyone in her bridal party that she doesn't want.  

ETA: but I would accept the invitation to be in her bridal party though.

I see your point, HOWEVER, let's be real. Weddings lead to hurt feelings and sometimes what you are "required" to do (i.e. not ask her in your wedding party) isn't always the SMARTEST choice for a long term relationship with the person.

Does she HAVE to? no, absolutely not, however, is it possible she will inadvertantly offend her leading to a lifetime of animosity between the two? very possibly and sometimes people have to realistically think like that because it's the real world we speak of...not fake etiquette world where people understand and have no emotion

I  am pretty sure saying to SIL (metaphorically speaking)

"So, etiquette says I don't need to include you in my wedding after you just asked me so you can't really be mad or hurt about it", isn't going to make someone feel better if they feel bad about the decision.

Jen4948

indianaalum said:

laurynm84 said:

jessicabessica said:

I would say yes if you want to be in their weddings.  The bride should not expect anything from the BMs except to buy an agreed-upon dress and show up sober to the wedding.  Although the brides should ask for a dress budget before picking something out, I think it would be reasonable to remind them if you decide to be in these weddings that you have a strict dress budget since you are saving for your own wedding.  

And I don't think you need to ask someone to be a BM just because she asked you, BUT I would ask your FI's sister.  You're not that close, so I'm guessing she only asked you because you going to be her SIL.  In some families, that's pretty common, and in the interest of family harmony and getting off on the right foot, I would reciprocate in this case.

Nope, completely disagree. It doesn't matter the reasons the SIL asked the OP. The OP is not obligated to have anyone in her bridal party that she doesn't want.  

ETA: but I would accept the invitation to be in her bridal party though.

I see your point, HOWEVER, let's be real. Weddings lead to hurt feelings and sometimes what you are "required" to do (i.e. not ask her in your wedding party) isn't always the SMARTEST choice for a long term relationship with the person.

Does she HAVE to? no, absolutely not, however, is it possible she will inadvertantly offend her leading to a lifetime of animosity between the two? very possibly and sometimes people have to realistically think like that because it's the real world we speak of...not fake etiquette world where people understand and have no emotion

I  am pretty sure saying to SIL (metaphorically speaking)

"So, etiquette says I don't need to include you in my wedding after you just asked me so you can't really be mad or hurt about it", isn't going to make someone feel better if they feel bad about the decision.

No, but one can say to her, "Thanks for letting me know about your wish to be in my wedding party; however, I've already chosen my attendants."  If she still feels pissy that's her problem and she needs to get over it.  Being FSILs does not automatically require one to ask the other.

huskypuppy14

Look, we all say the wedding party is 100% the bride or groom's decision. 100%!  The OP asked if she was obligated to ask these 2 people to be in her bridal party because they asked her. The answer is no. Now of course there are other things to consider, but it's 100% the bride's decision who stands up with her. If other people don't like it that is their problem. 

My FI is not asking 2 of his 3 brothers to be on his side.  His mother made a few comments about it, but in the end, it's my FI choice.  People have to realize they don't get to be butt hurt that they were not in someone's wedding.

OnionBreath

I declined to be part of the friend's wedding.

She won't return my calls/emails/fb communication now. I offered to help her where I can but said that I had already accepted FSIL's invitation and was working on my wedding and we may be moving next year as well.  When I told her, she said she "totally understood".  But I think it's obvious that she didn't.

Regarding FSIL, I haven't actually said yes yet. I told her I'm overwhelmed right now, but asked if we could decide when we set our wedding dates. She seemed happy about that. I can't tell if she wants me in the wedding, or if his mother wants me in the wedding.