I Just Want to Be Married - Just Venting

kannf1982

I got engaged in the past month and I absolutely have never, ever wanted a wedding. to me, the ceremony itself is a very personal thing, so I've always wanted to elope and have it be something between my husband and me.  My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 years (dated for four) and he has always known this.  He also knows Im right out of grad school and broke, and my parents have no money, either.  He keeps insisting we have a wedding and I finally talked him down from 200 to 100 people but I have found even trying to plan something small and simple is as much work if not more than planning something large and lavish. 

I have showed him a very detailed budget a few times, with a "0" in the many things we'd cut out, from DJs to limos to reception dinners and even a honeymoon....and all of this can only be done with all the savings I have, the savings he has, and $5000 his mom offered to give us out of her retirement account. If i do that at all, it'll be JUST to appease him and his family.

So yeah, tonight I again asked him why he wanted one again... because every time i mention getting a plane/hotel/car rental package to somewhere nice for like $1200 a person for a week, he keeps saying how nice that sounds and how he wants to do that. He keeps explaining why in terms of "I like parties" and "my family will think this or my family will think that."  I don't think draining ours and his mothers' finances to have a very basic wedding is something we should do just to supposedly silence critics or to "throw a party."  My bf loves to entertain (as do i) so i know there is appeal there, but alas.

I think we ARE actually on the same page save for his over-worrying about what his extended family will think. I really like his family and despite being out of town I plan to put forth all effort possible to be a part of their lives in the future - I am a very family-oriented person.  Anyway, i am just venting.  He said he is really leaning toward what i am saying but he has to "thinking about how he will tell his parents". I honestly don't think they're going to care.  Our happiness in life and their support of us isn't going to change because we didn't suck ourselves dry for one 4 hour party.  

I enjoy weddings and understand thats what some people want - thats fine, but I just REALLY hope he can stop worrying about what people think and get on the same page as me!!!!!  He's always been more of the type to be a people pleaser and worry about others' opinions. 

hlvonb

I think you two should talk some more especially when he said he is LEANING toward what you're saying. You shouldn't think about planning anything until the leaning is gone and you two are 100% on the same page.

lovetulips04

Is there a way you could have your personal ceremony & nice dinner party after? So the familes can have thier "party" & you & your husband can have your ceremony

AddieCake

I definitely think you need to talk more about this. He is being very irresponsible with your money and his mother's money. If you really do not think you can afford this, you need to make him see that, and you need to be on the same page. The wedding is the first test of compromise in your marriage. 

kannf1982

Yeah we have agreed to wait a few weeks while he decides. He has a huge family where if we invited anyone at all, we are kind of stuck at 100 people minimum. The smaller option it to cut it off at our immediate families (parents and siblings only), which I would absolutely be fine with. Then, the final option like I said, is going away together, which he in his heart of hearts actually prefers, save for his worry about pleasing everyone else. 

Despite his seeming like he wants what i want at the end of the day, it sucks to sit back and wait for him to decide, bc there is always the chance he will be like you know what, we should have the wedding. I am PRETTY sure after thinking on it awhile he will come to the same conclusion as me.  

He also said if he was going to tell our immediate families that were eloping, that the "only way we can break the news to them" is by having his parents in town to meet my parents and telling everyone at once at a nice dinner.

Sure, i agree our parents should meet and a nice dinner is fun, but we can do that anytime, i don't think we need to gently break the news about our wedding choices to people. My mom, my dad, and his dad, and my brothers and his brother have all already said we should skip the wedding and save money for a house.  His mom is the only one that was like "yay wedding!" but i think truly she would go along with what we wanted either way.  He also mentioned he's concerned about gossipy aunts/cousins and what they would think. 

I also mentioned to him that while we're not in a great position right now, I got done with grad school and got a new, better paying job and he got a new job last year and we've spent the past few months paying off debts and building some savings...we actually are now making really good money - not enough to stop our momentum and throw a party, but enough that we could skip the expensive wedding, keep saving for a house, and then throw a party in the next couple years at our house once we get one. I think that would be more personal and fun and a more responsible use of our money anyway, and i always get to interact a lot with people at family parties, versus weddings where you just feel like you can't relax and enjoy anybody that much. 

kannf1982

Good news....after getting a few estimates on wedding venues and everything, my boyfriend was blown away at how much it would cost to invite only a fraction of our families and cut corners on just about everything, and declared that he, too, just wants to elope.

He nervously talked to his parents about it but as I suspected they were entirely fine with it and thought it was a prudent financial decision. His mom offered to throw a more casual post wedding party back where my boyfriend is from, where none of the fam gets excluded.  Likewise my aunt is helping do the same for my family. Its no full on catered event, but hopefully they will be relaxed and fun and more personal. 

So yeah, happy ending for us on the wedding decisions....we won't go broke trying to have a wedding and we can still have a meaningful day for ourselves.  In a perfect world we could have the money to include everyone and give them a nice party without breaking the bank, but it's not possible. Hpefully it all works out and nobody hates us for doing it this way! Thanks for listening and for advice. 

JennyColada

Sounds fantastic!

My Fi and I opted for the "immediate family only" option and I'm so excited that our parents will be there. By I too hate the idea of having dozens of eyes on us during such an intimate moment!