Vent-FI & Etiquette

Aray82

I've never understood why Catholic ceremonies get singled out for being "long." I've been to plenty of non-religious ceremonies that were longer than some of the Catholic Masses I've attended for family weddings. Some of my friends have jokingly told us they will not attend the ceremony if we do a Mass because it will be sooo long to sit through. Really? While there are many reasons why guests might not attend the ceremony, overall I don't think it's that unreasonable to expect grown adults to be attentive, prompt guests at a marriage ceremony even if it goes an hour. To echo PPs, FI should know that his comments to guests are hurting you and demonstrate a lack of respect for the day.

Jen4948

Yeah, your FI is coming across as dismissive of the whole reason for all the partying.

Can you bring this up in the pre-cana sessions?  He needs to hear that this is not okay-and hopefully the priest conducting it will back you up.

monkeysip

bethsmiles said:

lyndausvi said:

I'll admit I'm not a fan of ceremonies.  Especially religious ones and I was raised Catholic.  I think I've only missed one, but that was because I had another wedding the same day.  I choose to attend 2 receptions than 2 ceremonies.    Even though I'm there physically, I'm not there mentally at all.  If there was a way to get out of a Catholic mass and go strait to the party without it being rude I would.  

It's not rude to invite people only to the reception.  It's only rude to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception.  Sure people get disappointed not being invite to the ceremony, but it's not rude. Basically your FI is inviting them to the reception.  That in itself is not rude.    

The fact you 2 are not on the same page is a different issue.   

From reading the posts on this board I was under the impression that is is rude to invite people only to the reception unless your ceremony is immediate family only.

Personally, I can't imagine ever showing up to a reception if I didn't bother to go to the ceremony.

Couples often have very small ceremonies and then larger parties later in the day.  It's not rude at all.    That doesn't mean people will not be hurt, but it's not rude even in etiquette books.

I look at it this way.   The ceremony was between DH and I.  I was in complete tunnel vision.  My entire audience could have been naked and I would not have known that is how focused I was on him and the importance of what we were about to do.   Who was in the audience was completely irrelevant to me.  If it was not for the pictures I could not even tell you who was there outside of immediate family and the WP.  I see no need getting upset over something I would not have noticed anyway. 

The reception is 2-fold for me.  It's a thank you for coming to the ceremony but it's also a celebration of our marriage.  The reception is where we interacted with the guests and that is where I noticed who was there or not.  So in the hierarchy of rudeness guest who accepted the invitation then no showed are worse then those who came for only part of the event.

I respect why you are upset even though I don't agree.  However, I do not see him telling friends not to come to the ceremony as disrespecting your religion.   In the Catholic church marriage is a sacrament.  It's between you, your FI and the church.  He is attending the classes and allowing a church wedding.  That shows me he does have respect.   He just doesn't have the need to have friends witness something that is really between the two of you and the church. 

Go ahead and tell him you are hurt using the etiquette angle and leave the church out if it. Ask him to stop telling people only to show up to the reception.  Then drop the subject.  It's doubtful by the time you walk down the aisle you will even notice everyone who is in the church anyway.

*Stuck in dumb box*

To the bolded--actually, for Catholics, there is a public aspect to marriage.  Marriage is between the bride and groom, BUT a wedding is a public celebration because marriage is for the good of the whole Church community.  This is one of the reasons why Catholic weddings are supposed to happen in a Catholic Church--because it's a public celebration.

Also, traditionally, Catholic weddings actually happened during Sunday mass.  The whole parish celebrated.  

Of course things have changed, but theologically, the ceremony is NOT just about the bride and groom, but about the whole community.  So having guests come to just the reception really doesn't fit with that vision.

KittyKaty20

vt&dt said:

OP, I can only respond to what you've written - but in your first post and the one about FI learning what to expect & about your faith during the pre-canae, I wonder if you guys have different expectations or thoughts on more than just the wedding ceremony.  

I'm guessing that if you told him that the way he told his guests that they could skip the ceremony because it'll be long really hurt your feelings and made you feel like he cared more about the party than actually getting married, I'm sure he will listen and stop doing that (and possibly go back and talk to whoever he told that to before).  I'd just do that right away so that the smallest amount of guests are told that.

It might be nosy/not my place - but now would be a great time to talk about/decide some things about combining your lives - will you go to church together?  What kind of church?  Do you both want to?  If/when you have kids, will church (if so, what kind of church) be a part of their upbringing?

These conversations are so much better to have early on, and I think the conversations about how faith will play a role in your lives together will help him understand how important the ceremony is to you.

We have had conversations throughout our courtship about my expectations and his expectations. He was Baptized Episcopalian and spent time in his church through High School youth group, but hasn't done much as an adult. He is totally on board to Baptize and raise our children in my faith. I'd love for him to come to Mass with me so he can experience it before our wedding.

We do have specific issues regarding the faith, and I've been keeping track of them in a journal so we can talk about them with the counselors. He asked me if I wanted him to convert, and I honestly told him it's not about my feelings-if he feels called by the Holy Spirit, then that's his calling.

KittyKaty20

nextrightthing said:

P.S. - Am I missing somethin?  I'm kind of surprised everyone would get mad at their FI for this.  If I got mad at my FI for every time he didn't know the rules of wedding-planning etiquette we never would have gotten married.    Now if he did this despite knowing how strongly OP feels, different story.

I'm not MAD, per se, I was frustrated about FI sending people to the reception only. He didn't know prior to our conversation how rude I found it, & to please stop. To my knowledge, he has done so.

Thank you all for your kind comments. I was hoping I wasn't completely out of line being offended by this etiquette gaffe. I think joining two lives together (do not even get me started on the fact that my "filing system" is stacks/piles and he actually likes when something spills-so he can clean it!) is a challenge even if you don't have different religious views.