Fragrances and Other Scents - Be BOLDLY unscented!

SayMoi

Edit: I'm not sure why this is a solid paragraph, I apologize. As follow-up: I find the span of opinions here so interesting! Some great thoughts on both sides. To clarify for some: a lifetime of learning to handle my mom's issues as a family has definitely not left me deluded into thinking this is by any means a comprehensive solution. Rather, it is a first line of defense. Of course people will forget. Of course I don't expect anyone to buy a new closet of toiletries. The point is that every little bit helps, sometimes a little, sometimes a huge amount. As the most recent poster pointed out, I left it open to the interpretation of the guest - "as much as possible" - and then specified the worst items: perfumes, colognes, fragrances. Why are these the worst? Because unlike other toiletries, they do not serve a purpose other than presenting a smell, and so they use any and every means to achieve that goal. Further measures are wonderful, kind, quite helpful, but lesser and therefore intentionally unspecified. For those interested, other lines of defense do, of course, include medications, possibly an air purifier as mentioned, and attempting to lessen contact, although crowded places are just difficult. As others have stated all these defenses only go so far. Realizing that leaving will cause much less of a scene than her losing all voluntary muscular function and being carried out, she will, of course, leave if/when necessary. But in all sincerity, I would personally prefer to offend a guest so deeply that they refuse to come than have her leave due to a situation that could have been improved through a simple, if personal, request on my part. (I'd like to point out that this is me - she constantly carries embarrassment and self-hate for when she has to gamble between offending with such a request or offending by making a scene or offending by her frequent absences.) If it were anyone else but my mom, I might consider not including the request in invitations as was kindly suggested, but without a second thought she is absolutely worth it to me. It does help that my side of the family and acquaintances are familiar with it to varying degrees. I posted, in part, to raise awareness of the motivation behind such a request, and perhaps encourage some understanding for those who are highly restricted in their ability to join in the simple company of other people.

misshart00

I think that ushers could also help. If someone is wearing a strong fragrance, an usher could seat them further away from where your mother is sitting.

delujm0

misshart00 said:

I think that ushers could also help. If someone is wearing a strong fragrance, an usher could seat them further away from where your mother is sitting.

That is a really good idea.  A lot of times i think that ushers are unnecessary, but they could definitely help in this case.

chiualover

lovesclimbing, point taken.

smalfrie19

SayMoi said:

Edit: I'm not sure why this is a solid paragraph, I apologize. As follow-up: I find the span of opinions here so interesting! Some great thoughts on both sides. To clarify for some: a lifetime of learning to handle my mom's issues as a family has definitely not left me deluded into thinking this is by any means a comprehensive solution. Rather, it is a first line of defense. Of course people will forget. Of course I don't expect anyone to buy a new closet of toiletries. The point is that every little bit helps, sometimes a little, sometimes a huge amount. As the most recent poster pointed out, I left it open to the interpretation of the guest - "as much as possible" - and then specified the worst items: perfumes, colognes, fragrances. Why are these the worst? Because unlike other toiletries, they do not serve a purpose other than presenting a smell, and so they use any and every means to achieve that goal. Further measures are wonderful, kind, quite helpful, but lesser and therefore intentionally unspecified. For those interested, other lines of defense do, of course, include medications, possibly an air purifier as mentioned, and attempting to lessen contact, although crowded places are just difficult. As others have stated all these defenses only go so far. Realizing that leaving will cause much less of a scene than her losing all voluntary muscular function and being carried out, she will, of course, leave if/when necessary. But in all sincerity, I would personally prefer to offend a guest so deeply that they refuse to come than have her leave due to a situation that could have been improved through a simple, if personal, request on my part. (I'd like to point out that this is me - she constantly carries embarrassment and self-hate for when she has to gamble between offending with such a request or offending by making a scene or offending by her frequent absences.) If it were anyone else but my mom, I might consider not including the request in invitations as was kindly suggested, but without a second thought she is absolutely worth it to me. It does help that my side of the family and acquaintances are familiar with it to varying degrees. I posted, in part, to raise awareness of the motivation behind such a request, and perhaps encourage some understanding for those who are highly restricted in their ability to join in the simple company of other people.

If you would rather offend a guest for your mom, why don't you just have a small intimate ceremony and reception. If your mom is that much more important to your guests, then don't have the party at all. Its not fair to your guests.

AlexisA01

smalfrie19 said:

SayMoi said:

Edit: I'm not sure why this is a solid paragraph, I apologize. As follow-up: I find the span of opinions here so interesting! Some great thoughts on both sides. To clarify for some: a lifetime of learning to handle my mom's issues as a family has definitely not left me deluded into thinking this is by any means a comprehensive solution. Rather, it is a first line of defense. Of course people will forget. Of course I don't expect anyone to buy a new closet of toiletries. The point is that every little bit helps, sometimes a little, sometimes a huge amount. As the most recent poster pointed out, I left it open to the interpretation of the guest - "as much as possible" - and then specified the worst items: perfumes, colognes, fragrances. Why are these the worst? Because unlike other toiletries, they do not serve a purpose other than presenting a smell, and so they use any and every means to achieve that goal. Further measures are wonderful, kind, quite helpful, but lesser and therefore intentionally unspecified. For those interested, other lines of defense do, of course, include medications, possibly an air purifier as mentioned, and attempting to lessen contact, although crowded places are just difficult. As others have stated all these defenses only go so far. Realizing that leaving will cause much less of a scene than her losing all voluntary muscular function and being carried out, she will, of course, leave if/when necessary. But in all sincerity, I would personally prefer to offend a guest so deeply that they refuse to come than have her leave due to a situation that could have been improved through a simple, if personal, request on my part. (I'd like to point out that this is me - she constantly carries embarrassment and self-hate for when she has to gamble between offending with such a request or offending by making a scene or offending by her frequent absences.) If it were anyone else but my mom, I might consider not including the request in invitations as was kindly suggested, but without a second thought she is absolutely worth it to me. It does help that my side of the family and acquaintances are familiar with it to varying degrees. I posted, in part, to raise awareness of the motivation behind such a request, and perhaps encourage some understanding for those who are highly restricted in their ability to join in the simple company of other people.

If you would rather offend a guest for your mom, why don't you just have a small intimate ceremony and reception. If your mom is that much more important to your guests, then don't have the party at all. Its not fair to your guests.

Exactly this.How will your ushers determine if something is "too much" to move them away from your mom. That could open a can of worms.

Liatris2010

I worked with a woman who had a severe allergy to perfumes and smelly chemicals. She wore a mask to work, rather than demand everyone else change their grooming habits to accommodate her. You should consider a similar solution.

PrettyGirlLost

Liatris2010 said:

I worked with a woman who had a severe allergy to perfumes and smelly chemicals. She wore a mask to work, rather than demand everyone else change their grooming habits to accommodate her. You should consider a similar solution.

Your logic has no place here among such strong emotions, be gone!!!

Maggie0829

I agree with Liatris and smalfrie.  Asking 100+ people to change their habits for one individual is ridiculous.  But having that one individual wear a mask to prevent the fumes from bothering her would be the easiest solution.

I am not well versed with smell sensitivity issues, but have you considered an outside wedding?  That way the fresh air will help dilute the fragrances that people may be wearing rather then bottle all of those potential fragrances in a ballroom?

phira

Eh ... I don't think it's good hosting to say that it's okay by you to seriously offend some of your other guests. I get your intentions--you want everyone to be able to enjoy your wedding, your mother is a VIP guest, and perfume and cologne are not essential toiletries (e.g. they are not required in order to be clean and not smell like you just came from the gym). But like @smalfrie19 said, if this really turns into "offend other guests vs. have Mom get up and leave the ceremony," then you need to reconsider the size of your guest list.

Again, I urge you to think about solutions that you and your family can actually implement before going with a few non-obtrusive pan-guest solutions.

Mom/family/non-guest solutions:

- seat Mom with family who know not to wear scents

- come up with a plan if Mom needs to leave the ceremony or reception

- talk with your venue: is there a room she can go to?

- talk with your venue: will they refrain from using scented products for cleaning/preparation of the venue? Of the room designated for your mother if she's not feeling well?

- talk with all vendors: request that waitstaff, photographer, DJ, etc, refrain from wearing scents

- are there any medications or coping mechanisms that will help your mom if she's not feeling well?

Pan-guest solutions:

- put a note on your wedding website

- let it spread through word of mouth that there's someone at the wedding with a severe allergy, and that it would be helpful if people could avoid wearing scents.

What does "word of mouth" actually mean? It means saying to your wedding party, "By the way, as you know, my mom gets very ill from strong fragrances like perfume, cologne, or body spray. It would be really wonderful if you could avoid wearing anything like that for the wedding or rehearsal dinner." It means that, when people ask how wedding planning is going, you can say things like, "It's going well, although we're really stressed out about an uncommon issue we're having ..." and then explain the situation. It means asking the people you tell to mention it to their significant others or children or parents who (they know) are attending.

jdluvr06

smalfrie19 said:

SayMoi said:

Edit: I'm not sure why this is a solid paragraph, I apologize. As follow-up: I find the span of opinions here so interesting! Some great thoughts on both sides. To clarify for some: a lifetime of learning to handle my mom's issues as a family has definitely not left me deluded into thinking this is by any means a comprehensive solution. Rather, it is a first line of defense. Of course people will forget. Of course I don't expect anyone to buy a new closet of toiletries. The point is that every little bit helps, sometimes a little, sometimes a huge amount. As the most recent poster pointed out, I left it open to the interpretation of the guest - "as much as possible" - and then specified the worst items: perfumes, colognes, fragrances. Why are these the worst? Because unlike other toiletries, they do not serve a purpose other than presenting a smell, and so they use any and every means to achieve that goal. Further measures are wonderful, kind, quite helpful, but lesser and therefore intentionally unspecified. For those interested, other lines of defense do, of course, include medications, possibly an air purifier as mentioned, and attempting to lessen contact, although crowded places are just difficult. As others have stated all these defenses only go so far. Realizing that leaving will cause much less of a scene than her losing all voluntary muscular function and being carried out, she will, of course, leave if/when necessary. But in all sincerity, I would personally prefer to offend a guest so deeply that they refuse to come than have her leave due to a situation that could have been improved through a simple, if personal, request on my part. (I'd like to point out that this is me - she constantly carries embarrassment and self-hate for when she has to gamble between offending with such a request or offending by making a scene or offending by her frequent absences.) If it were anyone else but my mom, I might consider not including the request in invitations as was kindly suggested, but without a second thought she is absolutely worth it to me. It does help that my side of the family and acquaintances are familiar with it to varying degrees. I posted, in part, to raise awareness of the motivation behind such a request, and perhaps encourage some understanding for those who are highly restricted in their ability to join in the simple company of other people.

If you would rather offend a guest for your mom, why don't you just have a small intimate ceremony and reception. If your mom is that much more important to your guests, then don't have the party at all. Its not fair to your guests.

That is a completely unfair statement. I wouldn't give a shit who I offended if it was for my mother. Also of course her mother is much more important to her than her other guest. It is her mother!

PrettyGirlLost

jdluvr06 said:

smalfrie19 said:

SayMoi said:

Edit: I'm not sure why this is a solid paragraph, I apologize. As follow-up: I find the span of opinions here so interesting! Some great thoughts on both sides. To clarify for some: a lifetime of learning to handle my mom's issues as a family has definitely not left me deluded into thinking this is by any means a comprehensive solution. Rather, it is a first line of defense. Of course people will forget. Of course I don't expect anyone to buy a new closet of toiletries. The point is that every little bit helps, sometimes a little, sometimes a huge amount. As the most recent poster pointed out, I left it open to the interpretation of the guest - "as much as possible" - and then specified the worst items: perfumes, colognes, fragrances. Why are these the worst? Because unlike other toiletries, they do not serve a purpose other than presenting a smell, and so they use any and every means to achieve that goal. Further measures are wonderful, kind, quite helpful, but lesser and therefore intentionally unspecified. For those interested, other lines of defense do, of course, include medications, possibly an air purifier as mentioned, and attempting to lessen contact, although crowded places are just difficult. As others have stated all these defenses only go so far. Realizing that leaving will cause much less of a scene than her losing all voluntary muscular function and being carried out, she will, of course, leave if/when necessary. But in all sincerity, I would personally prefer to offend a guest so deeply that they refuse to come than have her leave due to a situation that could have been improved through a simple, if personal, request on my part. (I'd like to point out that this is me - she constantly carries embarrassment and self-hate for when she has to gamble between offending with such a request or offending by making a scene or offending by her frequent absences.) If it were anyone else but my mom, I might consider not including the request in invitations as was kindly suggested, but without a second thought she is absolutely worth it to me. It does help that my side of the family and acquaintances are familiar with it to varying degrees. I posted, in part, to raise awareness of the motivation behind such a request, and perhaps encourage some understanding for those who are highly restricted in their ability to join in the simple company of other people.

If you would rather offend a guest for your mom, why don't you just have a small intimate ceremony and reception. If your mom is that much more important to your guests, then don't have the party at all. Its not fair to your guests.

That is a completely unfair statement. I wouldn't give a shit who I offended if it was for my mother. Also of course her mother is much more important to her than her other guest. It is her mother!

That's not good hosting and just rude though.  I get the sentiment, but there is a way to properly host everyone w/o offending them and accommodating her mother's rare issue.

It is also completely reasonable to suggest OP have a very small, private affair with just family and  close friends in order to accommodate her mother.

Maggie0829

jdluvr06 said:

smalfrie19 said:

SayMoi said:

Edit: I'm not sure why this is a solid paragraph, I apologize. As follow-up: I find the span of opinions here so interesting! Some great thoughts on both sides. To clarify for some: a lifetime of learning to handle my mom's issues as a family has definitely not left me deluded into thinking this is by any means a comprehensive solution. Rather, it is a first line of defense. Of course people will forget. Of course I don't expect anyone to buy a new closet of toiletries. The point is that every little bit helps, sometimes a little, sometimes a huge amount. As the most recent poster pointed out, I left it open to the interpretation of the guest - "as much as possible" - and then specified the worst items: perfumes, colognes, fragrances. Why are these the worst? Because unlike other toiletries, they do not serve a purpose other than presenting a smell, and so they use any and every means to achieve that goal. Further measures are wonderful, kind, quite helpful, but lesser and therefore intentionally unspecified. For those interested, other lines of defense do, of course, include medications, possibly an air purifier as mentioned, and attempting to lessen contact, although crowded places are just difficult. As others have stated all these defenses only go so far. Realizing that leaving will cause much less of a scene than her losing all voluntary muscular function and being carried out, she will, of course, leave if/when necessary. But in all sincerity, I would personally prefer to offend a guest so deeply that they refuse to come than have her leave due to a situation that could have been improved through a simple, if personal, request on my part. (I'd like to point out that this is me - she constantly carries embarrassment and self-hate for when she has to gamble between offending with such a request or offending by making a scene or offending by her frequent absences.) If it were anyone else but my mom, I might consider not including the request in invitations as was kindly suggested, but without a second thought she is absolutely worth it to me. It does help that my side of the family and acquaintances are familiar with it to varying degrees. I posted, in part, to raise awareness of the motivation behind such a request, and perhaps encourage some understanding for those who are highly restricted in their ability to join in the simple company of other people.

If you would rather offend a guest for your mom, why don't you just have a small intimate ceremony and reception. If your mom is that much more important to your guests, then don't have the party at all. Its not fair to your guests.

That is a completely unfair statement. I wouldn't give a shit who I offended if it was for my mother. Also of course her mother is much more important to her than her other guest. It is her mother!

Um, no.  My Mother is one of the most important people in the world to me.  But you can bet your ass that everyone we invited to our wedding were also important that I would not want to offend any of them, even for my Mother's sake.  In fact, my Mother would have been appalled if I offended anyone for her.

phira

Saying, "But it's her MOM!" is really not that fair to other guests. It's rude to serve the wedding party and parents top shelf liquor and not serve it to your other guests. It's rude to serve the wedding party and parents a plated lobster dinner while serving everyone else a mediocre buffet. It's rude to offer ceremony seating to your VIP guests but not to other guests.

It's okay to have some guests be honored guests. But we're making the distinction between guest and honored guest by having our honored guests play roles in the wedding (walking down the aisle, doing a reading, carrying the rings, making a toast, signing the ketubah, ceremonial dancing with the bride/groom). The idea is to elevate the honored guests but not devalue the other guests. Saying, "It's okay to be rude to other guests because they're less important" is devaluing the other guests.

smalfrie19

If you would rather offend a guest for your mom, why don't you just have a small intimate ceremony and reception. If your mom is that much more important to your guests, then don't have the party at all. Its not fair to your guests.
That is a completely unfair statement. I wouldn't give a shit who I offended if it was for my mother. Also of course her mother is much more important to her than her other guest. It is her mother!

so the party and offending guests is more important then just having an intimate ceremony and not having to offend anyone at all? That's like getting everyone together just so you can give them the finger! Its absurd. The OP can choose, her mother's absolute comfort or the big party that her mother may have to miss, you can't have it both ways, I am sorry.

easilyunamused

I don't know, I think word or mouth and maybe on the wedding website would be ok. I have a doctor who is also severely allergic to perfumes/colognes and she has a sign on her door, the nurses tell you before your appt is made and will put it on the discharge papers.   Maybe a bit of an overkill but I get it. I'm luckily not too affected by it, but I get a massive migraine when guys wear too much Axe spray or cheap perfume. 

heathertims

I would write something on the website, and try and pass it around via word of mouth. I realize this is an etiquette board, but you are not asking the world, you are asking someone to try and skip out on the perfume that day, should they remember. If your guests are so mortally offended that you asked them not to wear perfume to avoid your mother having an asthma attack, well, i think they need to get out more. 

She's asking them to try and remember not to wear perfume, shes not mailing her invites out with a a big boogery loogie in the envelope. Geeze.