NWR and probably TMI: Mental health

JCbride2015

So, I'm not really sure what I expect to get out of posting this except maybe to get it off my chest.  Maybe some of you have had similar experiences.

I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it.  The PTSD is a result of Hurricane Sandy, and I was only diagnosed a year after the fact.  I kept thinking I would just eventually feel better and now I feel like a total failure that I can't just "get over it."

Biggest symptoms are a complete lack of attention span, and huge irritability.  I also get heart palpitations and a weird feeling of panic for absolutely no reason.  Oh and I either can't sleep, or I finally get to sleep in the middle of the night and then I want to sleep till noon.  It's totally fucked right now.  The worst part is that it all really gets taken out on Fi.  I snap at him a lot, basically for no reason.  I start to feel smothered even when he's just trying to be nice and helpful.  And he's essentially the best, but I can tell it's getting to him.  He'll say, "I know it's just your brain but whatever is going on in there, I need you to not turn it around on me right now."  And then he gets all quiet and doesn't want to talk to me.  Which makes me feel awful, because I'm not actually mad at him.  I just feel crazy.

Right now I'm supposed to be writing a paper, and I'm really just a couple pages away from being done-- which is going to feel AWESOME.  I just constantly have this voice in my head insisting that whatever I'm doing at the moment, I need to do something else.  I'm writing the paper?  Need to check Facebook.  I'm on Facebook?  Need to check TK.  I'm on TK?  Need to read NY Times.  Oh, so I'm finally settled in and writing?  I'm hungry, better go make some food.  And the paper is all about online media, so it doesn't help that I have to be online to pull the articles I need for the paper.  I can't just unplug.

I have NEVER had a problem with concentrating.  I usually get complete tunnel vision when working on something, and this insane ability to focus has made me a really high academic achiever throughout my life.  I feel completely lost right now.  And I'm aware of the irony that I'm posting on TK about my inability to get off of social media... I have no real counter to this argument except that if I'm wandering aimlessly online anyway, I may as well vent about it.

And yes, I'm seeking counseling.  I went to the counselor at my school and she decided I need someone more permanent.  My SM is a counselor specializing in trauma and she referred me to a couple of people she has worked with, so I'll be calling tomorrow to see if one of them is taking new patients.  

AprilH81

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.  I don't have any first hand experience, but have you found any commonalities in your "triggers" that cause an episode?

Can you ask your therapist for a mild dose of medication that could help you concentrate?

firebabe6519

Try reading an article or two or even just re-reading what you have written already and then go take a nap. Studies have shown that this allows the brain a chance to "reboot" as it were. In addition, the last thing you were reading or working on before you slept will be the first thing your brain will concentrate on when you get up.

Step back and relax a little. Hopefully you feel better and get that paper finished soon! Good luck!

JCbride2015

Thanks ladies.  @AprilH81 I am sort of scared by the idea of meds but it's worth asking about... the concentration thing is getting pretty ridiculous.  @firebabe6519 Great idea.  I think I'm too keyed up to actually take a nap though.  I do think I'm going to take a walk down the street, pick up a snack, and put the computer down while I eat so I can come back with a fresh eye.  I really only have 2-3 pages left to write, which "old me" could knock out in like an hour and a half.  I just want to be done with this thing already!

EverAfer

Gosh I'm sorry. I went through a loss a few years ago-watched it happened first hand, and had to see a counselor. Sometimes the experience you go through changes you mentally and emotionally.. The biggest thing I've learn is to let the feelings come and know that it'll go. I've been more A type since, I needed to get things done part of it due to feeling like you have some control. The inability to concentrate or focus was hard.

I do feel bad for FH. I still occasionally have bad days that just confuses FH. It's ok. Counseling will help. I chose to not go to the meds, just a personal choice. My therapist was very supportive, though I will warn you, sometimes it hurt more. But in the end, it really helped me. You should not feel like a failure because it IS a big deal. And, it's cliche, but even with the counselor, it will take time.

Please go easy on yourself, esp with wedding planning. Be good to yourself and just go through the feelings. Set up a signal or sign for your FH and tell him what you need and that it's not his fault, and what he needs to do.

I wish you luck, it is not as easy journey. Btw, if you don't click with the first therapist, try the second or third. I have ended counseling after the first therapist, she was awful. But the second one was so awesome, she changed my outlook.

pumpkinsandturkeys

I suffered a moderate concussion in my early 20s and ended up being diagnosed with post-concussive syndrome (like what hockey/football players get after a bad blow to the head), and experienced a lot of the same symptoms as you described with PTSD -- weird sleep patterns, mood instability, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, etc. I had to take 6 months off of university, and had great difficulty when I went back.

Any kind of brain trauma, whether it be physical, emotional, or psychological, will get better in time. Try to be patient with yourself and keep in mind that you're not going to be the person you were before the trauma -- and that's perfectly okay.  You will most likely get back to who that person was, or very close to it, but it's not going to happen overnight.

I found that breaking things into small tasks made it a lot easier to manage and focus on what I'm doing. If you have an article to read, make a goal of getting through 1 - 2 paragraphs without being distracted. After you've reached that goal, allow yourself a brief distraction, and then set your next mini-goal; keep repeating until you've finished the overall task (finishing the article). Try the same approach when writing, too.

You're not broken (although I know it can feel that way at times). Everything you're experiencing is just a sign that you're healing yourself and re-learning how to interact with and relate to the world around you.

JCbride2015

@EverAfter and @pumpkinsandturkeys Thanks so much for the kind words and advice.  Fi is really understanding but sometimes I need to actually say to him, "I think this is the PTSD talking" for him to realize what's going on.  And breaking tasks into small pieces is a great approach.  I've tried pacing out particular mini-goals for myself throughout the day.

Happy to say-- I finished the paper!  Yay!  Officially done with the semester, finally.  THAT feels good.

lc07

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's Hell.

I do not have first hand experience with PTSD but I do with anxiety and depression and have dealt with many of the symptoms you are describing. Counseling is amazing. Medication has it's place but is a beast and a Hell all on it's own. What surprisingly helped me tremendously that was really unexpected was diet. I cut gluten and dairy (with a naturopathic doctor's supervision) and it was absolutely life-changing for my mental and physical health. I'd be happy to discuss more in a PM if you'd like.

I think you're brave for reaching out.

KytchynWitche

I've been in and out of psychiatric treatment all my life and, while I don't have PTSD, I do know what you're going through. I just want to tell you that you're not alone, and you never need to feel like you are. If you want to vent, my inbox is always open.

The counseling will help. And as @lc07 said, medication can help but can also be a whole other level of nasty. I think it's immensely helpful that you're aware of your issue and that sometimes what you're saying and doing isn't actually about what's going on right then. I also think it's immensely helpful that you have a FI who understands and is patient with you.

You will get through it, things will get better, you just need to keep being as brave as you have been so far!