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XP: Getting married before destination wedding

Here is the original thread from the DW board:

 

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1005305/getting-married-before-destination-wedding#latest

 

I am somewhat shocked at some of the responses on here. It's a full on PPD frenzy over there. I had a DW in Australia with no guests, and in fact, it was more of an elopement because most people did not know about the wedding. Am I wrong for thinking the situations in the original post are PPDs? To me, it just screams "I want pretty pictures on a beach but don't want the fuss of filling out some papers." I think what's even worse is that some of these brides are not telling their guests.

 







Re: XP: Getting married before destination wedding

  • IMHO, that's even worse than any other PPD.  I would be way more upset if I took time off work and spent money to travel to a wedding that wasn't actually a wedding than I would if it were local.  

    A lie is a lie.  
  • IMHO, that's even worse than any other PPD.  I would be way more upset if I took time off work and spent money to travel to a wedding that wasn't actually a wedding than I would if it were local.  

    A lie is a lie.  
    That was my thought exactly.

     







  • I have never been on this site before I was engaged a few months ago so I had never heard of PPD or a lot of things on here.

    There is a lot of helpful information and I thank you seasoned posters for that, but no offense sometime it comes off as wedding nazis.

    I attended a DW in Cancun a year ago so just out of curiosity I texted the bride to ask how she went about it/ where/when she technically got married. We are close friends so it's not inappropriate to ask her, she didn't mind. She said they legally got married on 4/2 but the wedding in Cancun was on 4/27 and not legally recognized in Mexico. To be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap, I really don't. You argue that everyone would be upset to learn they flew there for a "fake wedding". She looks at it as her real wedding and they are going to celebrate their anniversary on that Cancun day so what the heck should it matter to me? It doesn't. So they had a paper signed beforehand, it doesn't change the way I feel about the beautiful ceremony they had and the emotions they shared on that day.

    I understand you went to a lot of hassle to marry in Australia and good for you, you can do it your way, they can do it their way, I honestly don't see the big deal. I did, however, have a friend secretly marry in May for health insurance then have a PPD blowout in October and I agree that was inappropriate and left a bad taste in my mouth because they were married for 5 months but if's 2 weeks the hell with it.

                                                                     

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  • edited January 2014

     

     jenna8984 said:

    I have never been on this site before I was engaged a few months ago so I had never heard of PPD or a lot of things on here.

    There is a lot of helpful information and I thank you seasoned posters for that, but no offense sometime it comes off as wedding nazis.

    I attended a DW in Cancun a year ago so just out of curiosity I texted the bride to ask how she went about it/ where/when she technically got married. We are close friends so it's not inappropriate to ask her, she didn't mind. She said they legally got married on 4/2 but the wedding in Cancun was on 4/27 and not legally recognized in Mexico. To be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap, I really don't. You argue that everyone would be upset to learn they flew there for a "fake wedding". She looks at it as her real wedding and they are going to celebrate their anniversary on that Cancun day so what the heck should it matter to me? It doesn't. So they had a paper signed beforehand, it doesn't change the way I feel about the beautiful ceremony they had and the emotions they shared on that day.

    I understand you went to a lot of hassle to marry in Australia and good for you, you can do it your way, they can do it their way, I honestly don't see the big deal. I did, however, have a friend secretly marry in May for health insurance then have a PPD blowout in October and I agree that was inappropriate and left a bad taste in my mouth because they were married for 5 months but if's 2 weeks the hell with it.

    FWIW- you can legally marry in Mexico as a US citizen. There are some legalities that need to be attended to, but it is possible. I just don't understand why you would choose to have a ceremony somewhere if you aren't going to have it be the legal ceremony. As I said, I did not have any guests, so my choices did not affect anyone, but let's say I did. Someone would have spent at least $1400 on airfare. To have someone travel all of that way thinking they were witnessing my marriage, only to have it be a redo, is selfish IMHO. PPDs are also a smack in the face to those who purposely chose small civil weddings. Why was their small civil marriage not good enough? I know, it has no bearing on me on what anyone chooses to do, but as someone who has been invited to several DWs, and had my own DW, I would be upset if I didn't know the full truth.

    Anyway, my original question was actually asking if I was wrong about DWs/PPDs. You think I am wrong and that is fine. You answered my question with your opinion, so thank you for sharing!

    EDIT- added paragraph

     







  • I don't think that you should tout these getaways as weddings. A wedding occurs when two people legally bind themselves together -- if this happens at a courthouse ahead of time, then THAT'S your wedding!

    The issue with PPDs in general is that people get all caught up in the reception and the big dress and the things that don't actually matter, and they think that's what makes it a "real" wedding. Newsflash: it's not. It's a party; it's a celebration of the wedding. It is not the actual wedding itself.

    I agree that I would want to know if I was invited to a destination PPD or vow renewal, rather than being told I would be witnessing a wedding and the actual moment when two people are legally committing themselves to each other out of love. At least then you are showing your guests some respect and giving them the courtesy of deciding for themselves whether they want to take a vacation with you to celebrate your recent marriage. While some many decline, others may still want to go and have a great time.

    But once again: these are NOT weddings, and we're not 'wedding nazis' for pointing that out. I think any couple owes it to their guests to let them know exactly what type of event it is, and then allow for their guests to make an informed decision regarding their attendance.


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  • I would be livid to spend a ton of money to go to some location to see someone reenact a wedding.  Help me out here regs, I don't know if this knottie is still around or not.

    We had someone here who was a MOH in a wedding in Ireland (I think) and found on the wedding day that they were already married.  She was livid too.  Does anyone remember who that was/or are you still around?
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
    kmmssg said:
    I would be livid to spend a ton of money to go to some location to see someone reenact a wedding.  Help me out here regs, I don't know if this knottie is still around or not.

    We had someone here who was a MOH in a wedding in Ireland (I think) and found on the wedding day that they were already married.  She was livid too.  Does anyone remember who that was/or are you still around?
    I do remember the bride who was a MOH.  I want to say her post is lost among the freakishly long etiquette thread, "Having a PPD....."

    If a bride marries civilly in the states, and then travels to a destination, I have no problem with that. However, that bride is NOT having a destination wedding.  She is having a destination reception. Invite me to that and I can make a reasonable decision as to whether I want to combine my vacation with your party.  Lie to me and I will flip a lid.  If you disrespected me enough to lie, then I have no obligation to you to avoid a "scene".

    Where the flipping fig has all the integrity gone?

    ETA.....@kmmssg.....I don't recognize any names on this DW thread.  However, I never look on that thread and now am grateful I don't.  It's hard enough "fighting the good fight" on the regular boards.  I feel like a dish rag some nights trying to argue with these clueless and thoughtless posters.
  • I'd definitely rethink options if I were invited to a destination "wedding" versus a destination "reception".  Really, what's the point of a destination reception?  A group vacation to celebrate you?  

    It's already a lot to ask of people to have them use THEIR hard-earned vacation time to watch YOU get married.  If you're not even getting married in your destination, I wouldn't go unless you were a super close friend or family member AND the destination was on my list of places I really wanted to go.  It's too much time or money otherwise. For a real wedding I'd certainly make the effort.  


    ________________________________


  • jenna8984 said:

    I have never been on this site before I was engaged a few months ago so I had never heard of PPD or a lot of things on here.

    There is a lot of helpful information and I thank you seasoned posters for that, but no offense sometime it comes off as wedding nazis.

    I attended a DW in Cancun a year ago so just out of curiosity I texted the bride to ask how she went about it/ where/when she technically got married. We are close friends so it's not inappropriate to ask her, she didn't mind. She said they legally got married on 4/2 but the wedding in Cancun was on 4/27 and not legally recognized in Mexico. To be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap, I really don't. You argue that everyone would be upset to learn they flew there for a "fake wedding". She looks at it as her real wedding and they are going to celebrate their anniversary on that Cancun day so what the heck should it matter to me? It doesn't. So they had a paper signed beforehand, it doesn't change the way I feel about the beautiful ceremony they had and the emotions they shared on that day.

    I understand you went to a lot of hassle to marry in Australia and good for you, you can do it your way, they can do it their way, I honestly don't see the big deal. I did, however, have a friend secretly marry in May for health insurance then have a PPD blowout in October and I agree that was inappropriate and left a bad taste in my mouth because they were married for 5 months but if's 2 weeks the hell with it.

    This is exactly why this is so wrong and insulting.  Getting legally married is so much more than "signing a piece of paper."  That is when you are actually married; when you actually make the commitment to each other.  

    The legal marriage is the point of the event, not the big dress or pretty location.  If those things are more important than the actual commitment, these people aren't mature enough to get married at all.  
  • Here is the original thread from the DW board:

     

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1005305/getting-married-before-destination-wedding#latest

     

    I am somewhat shocked at some of the responses on here. It's a full on PPD frenzy over there. I had a DW in Australia with no guests, and in fact, it was more of an elopement because most people did not know about the wedding. Am I wrong for thinking the situations in the original post are PPDs? To me, it just screams "I want pretty pictures on a beach but don't want the fuss of filling out some papers." I think what's even worse is that some of these brides are not telling their guests.

    Validation of bad ideas is one of the reasons I don't come around very often anymore.  TK has changed drastically in the last year or so.
     
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  •  
    This is exactly why this is so wrong and insulting.  Getting legally married is so much more than "signing a piece of paper."  That is when you are actually married; when you actually make the commitment to each other.  

    The legal marriage is the point of the event, not the big dress or pretty location.  If those things are more important than the actual commitment, these people aren't mature enough to get married at all.  

    I agree- for my own wedding which is here (not destination) I a very excited for that moment of "I do" being the legally binding moment in front of everyone. I'm just saying as a guest of the destination "PPD" I am really not offended or give a crap because it's not my wedding/ celebration/ reception/ whatever it's theirs so why would I really care that much about their decision. So they did it 2 weeks before, ok , I wouldn't, but I'm not going to scoff at her and stop being her friend because she chose that.

                                                                     

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  • I hate when people say they can't legally get married away cos there's too much paperwork/blood tests/costs them less.  Get married at home then.  I did a DW and got legally married there.  It cost me an extra 2 days off work, losing pay and also covering the pay for my supply teacher (about $600 in lost wages and another $600 paid out by me), plus 2 days of pension.  It would have a been a hell of a lot cheaper to get married here and have a ceremony there.  But I refuse to have people pay for flights and give up vacation time if they're not there to see the actual thing.  

    If I was invited to a DW "ceremony" where the couple was already legally wed, I wouldn't bother going, cos I don't see the point.  I want to see the wedding, not a reenactment of it.  

  • I'd definitely rethink options if I were invited to a destination "wedding" versus a destination "reception".  Really, what's the point of a destination reception?  A group vacation to celebrate you?  


    .  


    And bring presents, Duh!!!

    I also feel like there's a right way and a wrong way to have a DW and do reception back home.

    My FI's best friend's sister had a DW. About a month later they had a nice BBQ in her parents backyard- invite said no presents, just come visit. Bride wore a nice sundress groom wore regular clothes. This was perfect, a real nice get together.

    A girl I knew in HS got married in Mexico, her and DH's families and closest friends attended. 5 months later they had a masonjarapolouza vow renewal and reception and dance. She wore her wedding dress, bridesmaids wore theirs, and hubby and groomsmen all wore suits..... Freaking odd.

  • My cousin and her husband traveled to Turks & Caicos when she was four months pregnant for a very good friend's wedding.

    In total, it cost them nearly $4K with flights, hotels, a gift, the costs of staying there, etc. 

    They found out later from their friend that the DW was a show, and the couple was planning on "signing the paperwork" later -- and they were planning to invite my cousin and her husband to the after-party of that ceremony.

    This was her husband's childhood best friend, whom he had seriously considered for the role of godfather to their unborn child. He was so hurt that his friend had lied to him, they didn't attend the after-party, they don't talk to the couple anymore, and they didn't have this couple be their baby's godparents.

    Actions have consequences. If your action is to lie, the consequence is that you will lose friends.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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