Second Reception to Accomodate Groom's Family

sallydrescher

We're having a ceremony and reception at a barn in NH in August with less than 120 people. My fiance has a huge number of relatives (like more than 40) that live in Mexico. Our plan was to keep the NH wedding as small as possible and have a second reception for these family members in Mexico in April. We're doing this for several reasons: 1) I have serious anxiety and just thinking of more than 120 people gives me an anxiety attack. 2) not all of the Mexican family members can afford the trip to New Hampshire. 3) The later reception will allow us to celebrate with all of them and not just some of them that can make the trip.

Is this rude at all? I don't see another way around it. I thought it was a reasonable way to celebrate with everyone in our family and make it manageable for us. My fiance is very worried about his mother getting angry because we are not sending them invitations to the wedding in August.

I was thinking of sending an invitation that said "We hope you will celebrate with us from afar on August 16. Please join us for a reception on April X, 2015 in Vera Cruz, Mexico." Is this appropriate? Would you approach it differently?

manateehugger

sallydrescher said:

We're having a ceremony and reception at a barn in NH in August with less than 120 people. My fiance has a huge number of relatives (like more than 40) that live in Mexico. Our plan was to keep the NH wedding as small as possible and have a second reception for these family members in Mexico in April. We're doing this for several reasons: 1) I have serious anxiety and just thinking of more than 120 people gives me an anxiety attack. 2) not all of the Mexican family members can afford the trip to New Hampshire. 3) The later reception will allow us to celebrate with all of them and not just some of them that can make the trip.

Is this rude at all? I don't see another way around it. I thought it was a reasonable way to celebrate with everyone in our family and make it manageable for us. My fiance is very worried about his mother getting angry because we are not sending them invitations to the wedding in August.

I was thinking of sending an invitation that said "We hope you will celebrate with us from afar on August 16. Please join us for a reception on April X, 2015 in Vera Cruz, Mexico." Is this appropriate? Would you approach it differently?

Why wouldn't you at least send them invitations to the actual wedding? They can always decline if they can afford the trip. If your FI is concerned, I think you should have a talk about sending the invitations. It's his wedding too and if he wants his family to be invited, they should be, within reason and budget. 

A reception is designed to thank your guests for attending your ceremony. You're having a reception for people you didn't even invite to the ceremony? What about just having family gathering in Mexico shortly after you get married?

  

MyNameIsNot

It is rude to invite them to a second reception if they aren't invited to the actual wedding.  It would be ok to mail out an invitation to the wedding and spread the word of mouth that there will be a party in Mexico at a later date, but 9 months later is awfully far apart.  

Keep in mind, the party in Mexico is not a second wedding.  It's a party to celebrate your recent marriage.  You shouldn't reenact the ceremony or treat it like a second wedding.  

Jen4948

PDKH said:

sallydrescher said:

We're having a ceremony and reception at a barn in NH in August with less than 120 people. My fiance has a huge number of relatives (like more than 40) that live in Mexico. Our plan was to keep the NH wedding as small as possible and have a second reception for these family members in Mexico in April. We're doing this for several reasons: 1) I have serious anxiety and just thinking of more than 120 people gives me an anxiety attack. 2) not all of the Mexican family members can afford the trip to New Hampshire. 3) The later reception will allow us to celebrate with all of them and not just some of them that can make the trip.

Is this rude at all? I don't see another way around it. I thought it was a reasonable way to celebrate with everyone in our family and make it manageable for us. My fiance is very worried about his mother getting angry because we are not sending them invitations to the wedding in August.

I was thinking of sending an invitation that said "We hope you will celebrate with us from afar on August 16. Please join us for a reception on April X, 2015 in Vera Cruz, Mexico." Is this appropriate? Would you approach it differently?

Why wouldn't you at least send them invitations to the actual wedding? They can always decline if they can afford the trip. If your FI is concerned, I think you should have a talk about sending the invitations. It's his wedding too and if he wants his family to be invited, they should be, within reason and budget. 

A reception is designed to thank your guests for attending your ceremony. You're having a reception for people you didn't even invite to the ceremony? What about just having family gathering in Mexico shortly after you get married?

  

I was thinking along the same lines.  If you're not inviting these people to attend your ceremony, it really doesn't make sense to invite them to a "reception."

But there's no (etiquette) reason you couldn't have a celebration with them in Mexico.  Just don't call it a "reception."

JCbride2015

Talk to Fi about this, since it's his family.  But I would definitely send them invitations even if you know they cannot make the trip.  Perhaps you can get an insert for the invitation with the Mexican party information, or you can send a STD for the party around the same time as the invite.  That way his family knows that if it's a hardship to travel to the states, they can skip the wedding and just go to the party.  But if they can travel, they have the option.

And seriously, you weren't even going to invite his mother?  I'd be offended too if I were the MOG and didn't get an invite.

NYCMercedes

JCBride2014 said:

Talk to Fi about this, since it's his family.  But I would definitely send them invitations even if you know they cannot make the trip.  Perhaps you can get an insert for the invitation with the Mexican party information, or you can send a STD for the party around the same time as the invite.  That way his family knows that if it's a hardship to travel to the states, they can skip the wedding and just go to the party.  But if they can travel, they have the option.

And seriously, you weren't even going to invite his mother?  I'd be offended too if I were the MOG and didn't get an invite.

I read the "them" in OP as the MOB's relatives not being invited. Apparently you read the "them" as the as the groom's parents.

sallydrescher

Um, we are totally inviting his mom. Don't know where that came from.

Most of her family lives in Mexico. We'd love to send invitations to another 45 people, but we already have 120 people attending.

I don't know if you guys know what anxiety is like - if I have over 120 people, I will freak out. I wanted smaller, but we worked hard to agree to 120 attendees. I don't need my wedding day to be perfect, but I'd like if it were not miserable. Our way of accomplishing that is not inviting 45 people to the NH ceremony and celebrating with them at another event, designed to be more inclusive so they can all attend.

We'd love to do the party (thanks for recommending we don't call it a reception) closer to our wedding date than April, but it is the earliest convenient time for the family members that live in Mexico.

JCbride2015

sallydrescher said:

Um, we are totally inviting his mom. Don't know where that came from.

Most of her family lives in Mexico. We'd love to send invitations to another 45 people, but we already have 120 people attending.

I don't know if you guys know what anxiety is like - if I have over 120 people, I will freak out. I wanted smaller, but we worked hard to agree to 120 attendees. I don't need my wedding day to be perfect, but I'd like if it were not miserable. Our way of accomplishing that is not inviting 45 people to the NH ceremony and celebrating with them at another event, designed to be more inclusive so they can all attend.

We'd love to do the party (thanks for recommending we don't call it a reception) closer to our wedding date than April, but it is the earliest convenient time for the family members that live in Mexico.

The inviting his mom thing came from here: "My fiance is very worried about his mother getting angry because we are not sending them invitations to the wedding in August."  I read the "them" as including his mom.  Now I see you just meant, his mom would be upset that others in her family aren't invited.  So that makes more sense.

I have anxiety too (from PTSD), so yeah, I get it.   Personally, I think either 120 or 150ish would be a crowd and would not feel too different from each other.  But everybody's level of sensitivity is different and of course you don't want to be miserable or anxious on your wedding day.

So then I suppose, I'm in the "just call it a party, not a reception" camp.  That would be less awkward than calling it a reception for a wedding to which they weren't invited.  As for dealing with FMIL, make sure you and Fi are on the same page.  If Fi is okay with not inviting these relatives and doing a party later, then he can be the one to explain it to his mom.

MyNameIsNot

sallydrescher said:

Um, we are totally inviting his mom. Don't know where that came from.

Most of her family lives in Mexico. We'd love to send invitations to another 45 people, but we already have 120 people attending.

I don't know if you guys know what anxiety is like - if I have over 120 people, I will freak out. I wanted smaller, but we worked hard to agree to 120 attendees. I don't need my wedding day to be perfect, but I'd like if it were not miserable. Our way of accomplishing that is not inviting 45 people to the NH ceremony and celebrating with them at another event, designed to be more inclusive so they can all attend.

We'd love to do the party (thanks for recommending we don't call it a reception) closer to our wedding date than April, but it is the earliest convenient time for the family members that live in Mexico.

The problem with this is that it's really rude to invite someone to a wedding related event when they aren't invited to the wedding.  

If you just call it a party and frame it more as an opportunity for the family to meet you, you'll be ok.  But you shouldn't throw a party to celebrate the wedding with people who weren't invited.  

CaliMel11

I understand what you are saying about the anxiety, but remember that not everyone you invite will show up! I know people who invited 170 people to their wedding and had a 50% attendence rate, even with people who PROMISED they would be there. So you might actually end up completely and totally fine inviting the extra people since not all of them are going to come, I would hazard to say probably most of them won't, and the worst that happens is that they feel included.

abbyj700

I get your concerns with anxiety...but you are cutting out 45 people from HIS family and inviting all of yours? Work with your future spouse to get a guest list that represents both of your families within a # that you feel comfortable with. 

Like many said - just because people most likely can't come doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them. My fiance has a cousin in the Army - we assume he will be overseas on the date of our wedding - but we wouldn't dream of snubbing him by not extending an invitation to him.

Rebl90

CaliMel11 said:

I understand what you are saying about the anxiety, but remember that not everyone you invite will show up! I know people who invited 170 people to their wedding and had a 50% attendence rate, even with people who PROMISED they would be there. So you might actually end up completely and totally fine inviting the extra people since not all of them are going to come, I would hazard to say probably most of them won't, and the worst that happens is that they feel included.

I wouldn't bank on this, it's not that common to only have 50% of your guests show.

jessicabessica

abbyj700 said:

I get your concerns with anxiety...but you are cutting out 45 people from HIS family and inviting all of yours? Work with your future spouse to get a guest list that represents both of your families within a # that you feel comfortable with. 

Like many said - just because people most likely can't come doesn't mean you shouldn't invite them. My fiance has a cousin in the Army - we assume he will be overseas on the date of our wedding - but we wouldn't dream of snubbing him by not extending an invitation to him.

I agree with the bolded.  It's fine to want to limit your guest list to 120.  But both sides have to make sacrifices.  It sounds like it's really only his side that is getting cut.  If you can afford to host the extra people in NH and can fit them in your venue, I would strongly consider inviting them to NH. 

[Deleted User]

I had a friend that got married in RI and the wedding was planned very quickily (he was in the military & based in that area). It was planned so quickly that they didn't have time to do invitations with proper notice to his family that all lived in Ohio. Basically they had gotten married in her family church & I think did dinner with her immediate family & a few friends. He had to ship out and when he got back several months later, they came to Ohio and had a "celebration of our marriage" reception for his family & friends who they didn't have the funds at the time or the time to invite to the actual ceremony. We had a blast and none of us were offended.

You should be comfortable on your wedding day. I could see how increasing your guest list numbers and having to deal with even more people you don't know, who may or may not even speak english can be stressful. I would send out invites to the VIP's of his family just out of courtesy but have him contact them and let them also know that you will be coming to Mexico in April and plan to throw a celebration then (make sure to bring lots of your wedding photos or do a slide show). This way if his mom or any of the other VIPs want to come, they are invited (hopefully it would be a dozen or less people so it won't add very much to your guest list count) but then they also know, if you can't come, don't worry, we'll share photos and will be visiting you soon to party.

I would have loved to invited my cousins but they all live in Europe w/kids and I knew they wouldn't be able to afford it, so why send them invites when they won't be able to come and cut people who were local that we wanted to come and could come.