NWR: How to ask your boss....

JellyBean52513

....to stop disrespecting your relationship?

I've been working there for a year now, and I love this job and all of my co-workers, particularly my boss. We're the same age so we get along well, we work great together, and have many qualities in common. I don't always agree with some of her wedding choices--like her cash bar and wanting to do a Money Tree for her shower-- (and of course my disagreement is private) but one thing she does is starting to really irk me: she has a generally disrespectful attitude towards my relationship of a year and a half. She told someone who asked if I was on the market "Welllll, Jellybean is sorta off, sorta on the market," despite me firmly responding that I am nowhere near the damn market. She has tried twice to get me to "think about it!" when a guy client came in that she thought would be JUST PERFECT for me, and she addressed her STD to only me. My SO and I did split up for about 6 weeks over the summer, and her advice after we got back together was "not to sell myself short." At the time, that advice was totally warranted from one friend to another. However, things have been great between my SO and I since then, I have never even hinted that I am unhappy or that he's a bad partner, and yet she still seems to make these comments. 

I don't want to talk to my SO about it, because they've met multiple times, he always stops by when I'm at work and they're friendly with each other. I think it would really upset him to know that she's nice to his face and trying to set me up with other people behind his back. I don't want to get into dramatics with her at work over this, but I just want her to stop disrespecting my SO and the job he is doing at being a wonderful partner.

chibiyui

Why exactly did you split up?

I hate to ask, but your boss knows your FI better then any of us do, and while she sounds like a nice if overbearing person, my guess is its something about your split up that shes hung up on.

KittyKaty20

Is your boss like this with other subordinates? If so, then see if anyone else is bothered by her comments/demeanor, and approach it from a "work culture" standpoint.

If she's just like this with you, then you need to determine how important her comments are to you in the grand scheme of things:

Is she responsible for your promotions/growth within the company? Is this a place you'll be working at long-term? (More than 3 years, at least?) Would talking to her affect your business relationship in a detrimental way?

IF you decide to talk to her about it, do it in private. Simply say that you feel disrespected when she makes (those comments), and it removed focus from your work. If you think it'll be too dramatic for work, either do it at the end of your shift when you two have a day or so before working together again, OR do it away from work, wherever you guys hang out. (If you've never hung outside of work, then 1. She's not really a friend, 2. don't ask her to hang out just to tell her to stop talking smack.)

**Not that it matters too much, but are you engaged to your SO? If so, your boss really needs to stop saying anything about the "market" (which is icky, because you are a person, not a thing to be sold.)

One more thing...if you and SO aren't living together, and she only knows him through you, it's perfectly acceptable etiquette to only address a SaveTD to you.

Good Luck!

jessicabessica

I think you need to set better boundaries with your boss.  Stop talking about your personal life with her. 

JellyBean52513

It's totally ok to ask. To be frank, we broke up because we reached a point where we were both frustrated with each other too much to be together-- every little thing was causing a fight. I don't mean to sound one-sided, but he was acting like a straight up douchebag for a few weeks near the end. The breaking point was when he decided to take a road trip with friends instead of being there for me when I was having surgery, like he'd promised when I scheduled the surgery 2 months prior. After about 6 weeks apart, we got back in touch and had a very honest look at what went wrong and whether or not it was worth it to try again. We both decided 'yes,' and it's been extremely wonderful since. We aren't engaged, but we are practically co-habitating; he is at my apartment more than his own home (which is right across the street from my job), we share a car that we both pay for, we split bills, and she knows all of this. 

She is DEFINITELY critical to my role in the business, and has been one of my biggest advocates and has helped me through a lot of personal turmoil....that apartment I only have to walk 5 steps out of my door to get to work from? She knows the landlord and hooked me up, and you E-ladies from Boston would be SICK if you knew how low my rent was. She has a good heart, I just feel like she has a pompous attitude towards this relationship issue.

Jen4948

When it comes to your work, you might need to establish a more professional relationship with your boss, and not discuss your personal life or anything unrelated to your job with her. 

You should also not accept invitations from her that don't include your SO.  If she asks why you're declining, just say that you're not available that day at that time.

JellyBean52513

jessicabessica said:

I think you need to set better boundaries with your boss.  Stop talking about your personal life with her. 

I try not to talk about it too much. I know the rule just from being here: if you talk about something to other people, you open yourself up to their opinion about the subject. It's tough not to talk about it even minimally though; we're such a tight-knit group at our job, and nearly everyone asks "What'd you do this weekend?" or "What are you doing on Friday?" My answers almost always include my SO, because we just do things together. Even if I leave it at that, I don't understand how she can construe "I spend every weekend with my SO" to meaning "Hook me up with someone!" I seriously can't tell if she's joking or if she'd genuinely like to see me with someone else.

Also KittyKat, she does this with another girl at our job, but granted that girl tells us every other day how her and her BF had a huge fight and she's so fed up with him but she still stays with him. Of course, it's 150% her choice to stay with him and I don't ever tell her what to do one way or another. It bothers her too when our boss makes similar comments....but she kinda gives our boss some ammo.

Jen4948

Regardless of what your boss's relationship with this other girl is, I think you need to be firm and just not talk to her about your SO.

If she asks about him but indicates that she doesn't respect your relationship, I'd tell her at that point that from now on he's a closed subject.  And try bean-dipping by changing the subject to something work-related.

JellyBean52513

Jen4948 said:

When it comes to your work, you might need to establish a more professional relationship with your boss, and not discuss your personal life or anything unrelated to your job with her. 

You should also not accept invitations from her that don't include your SO.  If she asks why you're declining, just say that you're not available that day at that time.

I've been dreading this happening... the other girl and I both received STDs and we're both convinced that we will receive invites for only us. I'm sure you'll be hearing from me again in a few months if this is the case lol

freebread03

I really think you've just been sharing too much with your boss.  Unfortunately, you've established a friendship with her, and it;s often difficult to separate friendship and professional relationships.  You've put her in the friends zone, rather than the boss zone, and she is reciprocating and treating you like she'd treat a friend, rather than a subordinate.  Both of you are equally as wrong.  

I think that you should simply stop talking about personal stuff at work.  If she asks how your weekend was and what you did, you can say "well we went out to dinner with some friends" or something equally as vague.  I know its hard, I really do.  There are people I work with who have no idea I'm engaged (and we've been together for over 4 years).  I don't talk about my relationship at work, we have very few pictures of us together on facebook, and I don't air my good OR bad news.  When you share personal details, you invite people into your personal life.

If you do talk to her about it, I think you need to approach it from a friend perspective since you've put her in the friends zone.  Frankly, I think you have a FRIEND problem, not a boss problem.

doeydo

She probably thinks you can do better and that he is mooching or something.  Anywho, it is not her place to say anything.  Maybe if you two were close friends, but not in your work environment.  I think you just need to stop talking about personal stuff, as PPs have said.  

freebread03

doeydo said:

She probably thinks you can do better and that he is mooching or something.  Anywho, it is not her place to say anything.  Maybe if you two were close friends, but not in your work environment.  I think you just need to stop talking about personal stuff, as PPs have said.  

But OP has treated the relationship like they ARE close friends-or so it seems.  She's obviously shared a LOT about their relationship to make her boss think that.  When you share that much, you move into the friends zone.

Jen4948

freebread03 said:

doeydo said:

She probably thinks you can do better and that he is mooching or something.  Anywho, it is not her place to say anything.  Maybe if you two were close friends, but not in your work environment.  I think you just need to stop talking about personal stuff, as PPs have said.  

But OP has treated the relationship like they ARE close friends-or so it seems.  She's obviously shared a LOT about their relationship to make her boss think that.  When you share that much, you move into the friends zone.

That's why I've suggested that the OP do what she can to return the relationship to a more professional one by not discussing her personal life and bean-dipping when this woman does ask her about it.

mysticl

JellyBean52513 said:

....to stop disrespecting your relationship?

I've been working there for a year now, and I love this job and all of my co-workers, particularly my boss. We're the same age so we get along well, we work great together, and have many qualities in common. I don't always agree with some of her wedding choices--like her cash bar and wanting to do a Money Tree for her shower-- (and of course my disagreement is private) but one thing she does is starting to really irk me: she has a generally disrespectful attitude towards my relationship of a year and a half. She told someone who asked if I was on the market "Welllll, Jellybean is sorta off, sorta on the market," despite me firmly responding that I am nowhere near the damn market. She has tried twice to get me to "think about it!" when a guy client came in that she thought would be JUST PERFECT for me, and she addressed her STD to only me. My SO and I did split up for about 6 weeks over the summer, and her advice after we got back together was "not to sell myself short." At the time, that advice was totally warranted from one friend to another. However, things have been great between my SO and I since then, I have never even hinted that I am unhappy or that he's a bad partner, and yet she still seems to make these comments. 

I don't want to talk to my SO about it, because they've met multiple times, he always stops by when I'm at work and they're friendly with each other. I think it would really upset him to know that she's nice to his face and trying to set me up with other people behind his back. I don't want to get into dramatics with her at work over this, but I just want her to stop disrespecting my SO and the job he is doing at being a wonderful partner.

I don't know what line of work you're in but in many offices the bolded would be considered incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional.  First a boss should not be setting up their employees (that can go very badly).  Second, a boss really shouldn't be encouraging employees to date clients (that can go very, very badly).  It honestly sounds to me like your boss has an issue with professional boundaries and wants to be "one of the gang".  

jessicabessica

I didn't mean set boundaries because you open yourself up to criticism and other opinions if you discuss your personal life with someone.  You need to set boundaries because this is not an appropriate or professional boss/employee relationship.  She sounds like not the best boss, but  do what you can to keep things professional.  As @freebread03 said, if she asks how your weekend was, keep it vague; don't give her the play-by-play of your argument with your BF over what movie to watch.  Practice saying things like, "I do not want to go into details, but I did want to talk to you about (work-related thing) if you have time now." 

You might want to check out the blog www.askamanager.org.  She gives excellent advice about dealing with poor managers. 

climbingsingle

I think you've definitely moved into the friend zone with your boss and because of that, she feels it's OK to have an opinion on your relationship. Just playing devil's advocate here - maybe she really does feel that you can do better. I know when I've felt that way about a friend's SO, it's hard not to express my feelings. 

aurorajanette

As a supervisor of six young ladies in their early twenties, I understand how things can get muddled at times, but it is both yours and your boss's responsibility to set this straight.  We have a tight-knit department too. The girls in my department are friends outside of work and hang out together on the weekends. Sometimes they try to invite me along and I have to say to them, "do you really want your boss out drinking with you on the weekend? That would be inappropriate."

They tell me how their weekends went and about special occasions with their significant other's, and it's not my place to say anything but, "oh, how nice", even if I think their SO acted douchey. I encourage them to censor what they tell me. I've had girls come in and start to tell me about their crazy drunken weekends, and I will interrupt them and say, "take a step back, and think about if this is something you want to share with the person who does your annual review." Some of them have learned better than others, but we're getting there.

I know it can be hard when you work in a tight-knit environment, but you and she really need to establish stronger boundaries. I think you should start by not sharing stories about your personal life with her. This may work. If it doesn't, sit down with her and have a frank discussion. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable sharing person info with your supervisor, and you feel that her comments about your relationship are not constructive to your working environment. If that doesn't work, it may be time to take it one step higher.

But remember, this is your responsibility too. Do not under any circumstance, talk to her about your love life.

buddysmom80

I work in a small group of women, but I keep my personal life to myself when it comes to my senior CW and my manager. Telling them EVERYTHING does affect your work life, review, etc. @aurorajanette hit the nail on the head.

My best friend was an over-sharing type in her office and it cost her her job. Her H was dealing with medical issues, and was very anxious, and would call her about 15-20 times a day screaming at her. Instead of her boss approaching her, she told her boss what was going on. Her boss suggested to take her H's phone calls outside. Then her work started sliding and they had no choice to fire her because she told her boss everything and they put two and two together.

She learned her lesson now and never talks to her CWs. She's friendly with them, but she doesn't share the details of her personal life.

JellyBean52513

Thank you for all of the advice, ladies; once again, your perspective really helps reframe things in a clearer way. Overall I do love working with her, I just don't understand why she feels comments about my relationship are warranted. I know, based on conversations, that she and her FI have split up at one point during their relationship because of infidelity on his part, so I know she must understand that good people can make mistakes, but they're still worth something in your life. 

I want my value as an employee to be her main concern, not my personal life. I'm really going to try to limit my conversations with her to work-related things moving forward. I hate to have to limit that friendliness we've developed, but like PPs said, she's not really a good friend to begin with if she undermines a relationship that she knows I'm perfectly happy in. That nonsense is not something I need to deal with while I'm at work. Thank you again everybody

JellyBean52513

buddysmom80 said: I work in a small group of women, but I keep my personal life to myself when it comes to my senior CW and my manager. Telling them EVERYTHING does affect your work life, review, etc. @aurorajanette hit the nail on the head. My best friend was an over-sharing type in her office and it cost her her job. Her H was dealing with medical issues, and was very anxious, and would call her about 15-20 times a day screaming at her. Instead of her boss approaching her, she told her boss what was going on. Her boss suggested to take her H's phone calls outside. Then her work started sliding and they had no choice to fire her because she told her boss everything and they put two and two together. She learned her lesson now and never talks to her CWs. She's friendly with them, but she doesn't share the details of her personal life.
THIS is something the other girl at my job puts herself at risk for.... her and her BF are always arguing and again, none of my business, but they text-argue all day long and it makes her really moody and almost unbearable to be around.

Edited because the quote box was messed up

buddysmom80

JellyBean52513 said:

Thank you for all of the advice, ladies; once again, your perspective really helps reframe things in a clearer way. Overall I do love working with her, I just don't understand why she feels comments about my relationship are warranted. I know, based on conversations, that she and her FI have split up at one point during their relationship because of infidelity on his part, so I know she must understand that good people can make mistakes, but they're still worth something in your life. 

I want my value as an employee to be her main concern, not my personal life. I'm really going to try to limit my conversations with her to work-related things moving forward. I hate to have to limit that friendliness we've developed, but like PPs said, she's not really a good friend to begin with if she undermines a relationship that she knows I'm perfectly happy in. That nonsense is not something I need to deal with while I'm at work. Thank you again everybody

To the bolded: this is the best advice you could have given yourself. My dad retired as a senior VP in his company and he was a hard-ass but he gave me some of the best advice when it came to dealing with CW's, management, etc. One thing he taught me was to leave work at work and home stuff at home. The other one was that to make yourself known positively as a good employee, not negatively as someone who has a crappy home life (not you, OP, this was advice he gave me when I was in a bad relationship and it was affecting my job!). It's tough, because I think most women are social people, but you need to set up that work/personal barrier and be known for being an awesome employee!

abbyj700

I personally know it can be extremely difficult not to separate well your personal life from your professional when you are friendly and close with your boss. I met my boss and became his friend before coming to work with him. We're both pretty specific about changing out our friendship and work partner hats when appropriate. If he's at the house having dinner with me and my other half - we aren't talking about work and if we're at work - we try not to dive too deep into outside life (it's still possible to say what you did that weekend, night, holiday, etc without talking like you would with a close friend. Try to draw that line - and be honest with your boss that you are doing so. If you don't tell her you're trying to separate the two with everyone at work more - you may come off poorly which doesn't help your career.

And secondly - and this goes with everyone - watch what you are telling people. The last boyfriend I had before I met my fiance - I started realizing that by the end it seemed like so many people disliked him. And that's when it hit me - I was telling them all the horrible things he did - and from only my perspective. The things he said and did were bad - but they didn't need to hear every fight, every bitter word and then have me expect when things smoothed over that they would like him again. 

JellyBean52513

abbyj700 said:

And secondly - and this goes with everyone - watch what you are telling people. The last boyfriend I had before I met my fiance - I started realizing that by the end it seemed like so many people disliked him. And that's when it hit me - I was telling them all the horrible things he did - and from only my perspective. The things he said and did were bad - but they didn't need to hear every fight, every bitter word and then have me expect when things smoothed over that they would like him again. 

I would never, ever do this. For all the girls at work know, my relationship is Cloud-Freaking-9 (and I mean, it pretty much is 90% of the time). I strongly believe in never bad-mouthing the person you're partnered with to others; if you have a problem, you fix it between the two of you. I would be so embarrassed to tell my co-workers that my SO/FI disappeared for an entire night/never came home/hasn't talked to me in 2 days.... like I heard all about today from THREE girls at work. I try not to be judgmental because of course I'm only hearing one side of each story, but I can't help but wonder what is making them stay when they rarely have a decent word to say about their partners.