Second Weddings

eloping and having a larger celebration down the road

So my FI and I decided after months of crying and fighting with our families over all the details who's paying for what, whether or not we should be married, mean things being said to us and about our decisions to marry we are eloping. So I must add before anyone leaves not so nice comments like I've seen on other posts about eloping. We are going to announce to our families after the elopement takes place what we have done, and we already know his side wants to see us be married so we will in a year or two when we can afford it on our own to have a wedding for everyone to attend. 

I know I've seen people bring other woman down on here about having the second wedding, would it really be wrong to do so? Why can't we renew our vows with our families as a celebration of our marriage?

Re: eloping and having a larger celebration down the road

  • Have a 2nd wedding would not be appropriate. You're already married so there's no reason to have another wedding. It's considered a pretty princess day (PPD). If you want his side to see you get married then suck it up, pay for things on your own and have the wedding you can afford and ignore what others are saying if you want to.

    If you elope instead of having a typical wedding ceremony then you can have a vow renewal or a celebration of your marriage. 
  • You are welcome to elope. You are welcome to have a small wedding now that you can afford. You are welcome to invite only his family to your wedding.

    But if you are adult enough to get married, you are adult enough to own the consequnces of that decision, which means not having a big party if you can't afford it.

    But a wedding is the ceremony in which you are legally wed. You may have a celebration or party at a later date, but you may not call it a wedding or a reception, you may not recreate your wedding (wear a wedding dress, have a first dance, etc.).

    A vow renewal after one or two years, unless you went through something truly traumatic, is silly. Vow renewals are beat saved for milestones -- 10, 15, and up anniversaries.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Your post makes you sound very young and unwilling to listen to the voices that are going to tell you that it's uncouth to have a mock wedding two years or so after you were legally married via elopement.  If at the end of the day you are legally married you had a wedding - period. 

    If you want to have a celebration of your anniversary with family and friends call it what it is, a number of years (or year) married anniversary celebration.  

    I don't want to know why the family drama; but if it has to do with being young, issues that they see or unfinished education you might consider listening to them.  If your partner is perfect and all is well you could wait to get married until the timing is great for all parties there is no reason to be in a hurry.  Pregnancy is not a reason for marriage. 
  • So my FI and I decided after months of crying and fighting with our families over all the details who's paying for what, whether or not we should be married, mean things being said to us and about our decisions to marry we are eloping. So I must add before anyone leaves not so nice comments like I've seen on other posts about eloping. We are going to announce to our families after the elopement takes place what we have done, and we already know his side wants to see us be married so we will in a year or two when we can afford it on our own to have a wedding for everyone to attend. 

    I know I've seen people bring other woman down on here about having the second wedding, would it really be wrong to do so? Why can't we renew our vows with our families as a celebration of our marriage?
    The only way for HIS side to see you marry is to take them along on the elopement.  Anything you do after that fact will not matter.  You cannot live as man and wife for "a year or two" and then have people "watch you marry".

    If you can afford to elope, you can afford a wedding.  You can afford a marriage license, coffee and cake.  You can afford soft drinks and sandwiches.  BUT, if what you want to afford on your own is the traditional white dress-dinner-reception extravaganza, then you need to wait until you save up for it.  It's a one and done deal.  Be mature enough to decide what exactly your priority is and own it.
  • edited January 2014
    As someone who purposely chose to elope, I agree with pps. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a small, private wedding with just the two of you and there is NO reason to have a re-enactment just because you can't have something big now. Believe it or not, people actually choose to not have big, frilly weddings on purpose! If you really want certain family members present, invite them, have a reception you can afford, and enjoy the actual point of a wedding- the marriage. Or choose to wait if a bigger wedding is what you prefer. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting and in fact, its a mature thing to do!

     







  • First we are not too young to be getting married, we are both finished with school, and no we are not pregnant. 

    We did not want a big white wedding to begin with it was at our families request for us to have it one day and in the Catholic church.

    Yes we got married on January 10th in a civil ceremony. the courthouse didn't have enough space available to accommodate our large families so we had no one there. we are planning to do a religious ceremony for our families in the church when we can afford it on our own to have our families in entirety there. It is not a ppd it is a pledge of marriage through our faith and uniting our families in the eyes of God. We in no way care to have a big fancy white dress extravaganza twice, hence the reason no big fancy white dress was included in the civil ceremony. We said our vows and went to lunch.

    The decision was made because my family refused to pay for a wedding if the grooms family wasn't going to help. They (the grooms family) could not do so without taking out loans, thanks to medical expenses. We did what we did as to not burden our families with the costs, when in time we can afford it ourselves, but we chose to getting married now and hold a Catholic wedding when we can do it justice. 

    The problem was never we weren't listening to our families, it was our families were trying to do more than we had the means for. Thank you for all your comments its refreshing to hear peoples opinions (not being snarky it really is refreshing). I guess my real question was is it horrible to have a civil marriage than do a religious marriage. 


  • If you a religious and feel strongly about having your marriage recognized in the church, then there is nothing wrong with having a ceremony in church. However, it is considered rude to invite guests without them knowing you are already married and it is also considered rude to wear a gown, have a bridal party, and act like it's a real wedding. What would be considered acceptable is inviting your family to watch the religious services with them knowing it's just a reaffirmation of vows, wearing a very nice outfit that is church appropriate, and then hosting them at a nice celebration afterwards with food, drinks, dancing and perhaps a cake. However, there should not be any formal introductions, no bouquet toss, no garter toss, and there should not be a registry set up for any type of shower of gift giving.

     







  • edited January 2014
    First we are not too young to be getting married, we are both finished with school, and no we are not pregnant. 

    We did not want a big white wedding to begin with it was at our families request for us to have it one day and in the Catholic church.

    Yes we got married on January 10th in a civil ceremony. the courthouse didn't have enough space available to accommodate our large families so we had no one there. we are planning to do a religious ceremony for our families in the church when we can afford it on our own to have our families in entirety there. It is not a ppd it is a pledge of marriage through our faith and uniting our families in the eyes of God. We in no way care to have a big fancy white dress extravaganza twice, hence the reason no big fancy white dress was included in the civil ceremony. We said our vows and went to lunch.

    The decision was made because my family refused to pay for a wedding if the grooms family wasn't going to help. They (the grooms family) could not do so without taking out loans, thanks to medical expenses. We did what we did as to not burden our families with the costs, when in time we can afford it ourselves, but we chose to getting married now and hold a Catholic wedding when we can do it justice. 

    The problem was never we weren't listening to our families, it was our families were trying to do more than we had the means for. Thank you for all your comments its refreshing to hear peoples opinions (not being snarky it really is refreshing). I guess my real question was is it horrible to have a civil marriage than do a religious marriage. 


    What does that mean? Doing justice by your faith or justice by having an expensive party and big white wedding you said you never wanted?

    You don't need to wait to do your faith justice. You can talk to your priest and see what needs to be done to have your marriage blessed. Since you are already legally married it is unlikely a priest will hold a wedding for you, sorry. The church recognizes civil marriages - don't think they do? You must get an annulment for any marriage, not just those held in a Catholic church. They just aren't valid by the churches rules until they are sanctified.

    The third bolded - no, but you can't get married again. You already are married. ou can only have your existing marriage convalidated by the church and your religious records updated. You can't "do a religious marriage" as you are already married. You can have it blessed.

    I'm not trying to be mean, but you should really go talk to your priest before making any plans or assumption on what you will be able to do eventually when you "can do it justice."
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • My church does not recognize civil marriage so they would indeed do a full marriage ceremony, and by do it justice I meant have our entire families there. 

    Thank you Jells2dot0 that was good information to hear on what was proper not just belittling the idea of having a religious ceremony. Both families are aware of whats going on and know it would be a reaffirmation of our vows. Per the MIL and FOB request a wedding gown will be worn though. My dad felt cheated he didn't get to give me away so he wants us to do it right during the church ceremony. 
  • edited January 2014
    Autumn&Ray said: My church does not recognize civil marriage so they would indeed do a full marriage ceremony, and by do it justice I meant have our entire families there. 
    Thank you Jells2dot0 that was good information to hear on what was proper not just belittling the idea of having a religious ceremony. Both families are aware of whats going on and know it would be a reaffirmation of our vows. Per the MIL and FOB request a wedding gown will be worn though. My dad felt cheated he didn't get to give me away so he wants us to do it right during the church ceremony.  ________________________
    I guarantee you are incorrect on this. It does not recognize a civil marriage as a
    sacramental marriage. By having a civil marriage you are actually not allowed to receive communion, per church doctrine, until your marriage is convalidated. It has nothing to do with "doing it justice." And again, your priest will probably not be willing to preform a wedding ceremony when you are in fact already married. If your priest is willing to pretend to marry you again, rather than doing a blessing of your existing marriage, he is a VERY laxed priest and a rare find.

    You can't get married again - you are already married. You can have a blessing of that marriage so it is a valid sacrament at the church. If you and your family want to pretend it is a wedding that's your call, but it won't be. It's perfectly fine to invite your families to be present during the blessing - which typically takes place during a normal mass, but not always. But make sure everyone knows in advance you are already married, don't let any of them think you are not already legally married. If you want to wear your wedding dress, I'm in the camp that doesn't think that's an awful thing. But I would be shocked if your priest agrees to do a blessing that gives the option of your dad walking you down the aisle.

    I am sharing this from experience as a Catholic who choose to marry outside the church and currently am not "in good standing" and cannot participate in the sacrament of the eucharist. My priest has told me he will look the other way if I come up to receive communion (which is was quite frankly SHOCKED by) but I cannot in good conscience go up knowing the doctrine of the Catholic CHurch does not permit to do so. If your faith is as important as you claim, you might want to talk to your priest and get this situation rectified as soon as possible. Or be like me and be cool with our mortal sin of marrying outside the church.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • edited January 2014
    My church does not recognize civil marriage so they would indeed do a full marriage ceremony, and by do it justice I meant have our entire families there. 

    Thank you Jells2dot0 that was good information to hear on what was proper not just belittling the idea of having a religious ceremony. Both families are aware of whats going on and know it would be a reaffirmation of our vows. Per the MIL and FOB request a wedding gown will be worn though. My dad felt cheated he didn't get to give me away so he wants us to do it right during the church ceremony. 
    ________________________

    I guarantee you are incorrect on this. It does not recognize a civil marriage as a sacramental marriage. By having a civil marriage you are actually not allowed to receive communion, per church doctrine, until your marriage is convalidated. It has nothing to do with "doing it justice." And again, your priest will probably not be willing to preform a wedding ceremony when you are in fact already married. If your priest is willing to pretend to marry you again, rather than doing a blessing of your existing marriage, he is a VERY laxed priest and a rare find.

    You can't get married again - you are already married. You can have a blessing of that marriage so it is a valid sacrament at the church. If you and your family want to pretend it is a wedding that's your call, but it won't be. It's perfectly fine to invite your families to be present during the blessing - which typically takes place during a normal mass, but not always. But make sure everyone knows in advance you are already married, don't let any of them think you are not already legally married. If you want to wear your wedding dress, I'm in the camp that doesn't think that's an awful thing. But I would be shocked if your priest agrees to do a blessing that gives the option of your dad walking you down the aisle.

    I am sharing this from experience as a Catholic who choose to marry outside the church and currently am not "in good standing" and cannot participate in the sacrament of the eucharist. My priest has told me he will look the other way if I come up to receive communion (which is was quite frankly SHOCKED by) but I cannot in good conscience go up knowing the doctrine of the Catholic CHurch does not permit to do so. If your faith is as important as you claim, you might want to talk to your priest and get this situation rectified as soon as possible. Or be like me and be cool with our mortal sin of marrying outside the church.

     

    My response- edited for formatting issue

    When I responded above, the bolded is what a meant- having a blessing of the marriage/reaffirmation of vow at the church and having your family witness it if they really feel its important to witness it. I did not mean to actually have a full out ceremony. I am not sure my thoughts came across clearly. While I am not Catholic, I was bought up in the Catholic church, so I'm aware of the process for a blessing, but have not actually gone through it nor will I go through it.

     







  • We have already discussed with the priest of our church about this and he said my parish does not recognize a marriage outside of the church. He told us the steps we need to take to get married in the church, he will be the one overseeing everything between now and when we do have a marriage in the church. FYI they hold a mass that includes a marriage ceremony and allow the brides father or another family member to give away the bride. During the mass the bride and groom sit together off to the side of the alter while the families sit in the pews. Then they do the marriage ceremony after the reading of the Gospel, the entire mass is geared towards readings about marriage such as readings from the Book of Sirach and 1 Corinthians. It is not held on Sunday during regular mass but it is open to the public unless the families ask for a private mass. 

    Musikalbunni our relationships with our families are important to us. Its not that we are acting like minors we would just rather remain in good standing with our families. and yes it is a problem enough for my family that communication has been halted until our marriage can take place in the catholic church, with everyone there. 

    photokitty as I have said previously everyone is already aware that we have been married civil so no one will be there under the impression it is our first marriage just the church recognizing our marriage. 
  • What your priest is talking about is a convalidation.  It is not a wedding, but a validation of a civil marriage by The Church to bring the couple back in line with doctrine.  

    It is done during a Mass.  You shouldn't wear a wedding gown or have a wedding party.  A nice party afterwards to celebrate is fine, but it should have none of the trappings of a wedding reception (e.g.: bouquet toss, bridal party etc)
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