XP - Etiquette Question about Shower

fungrl97

I have a post up giving the whole story in the pre-wedding party section, but FI were just debating something so I figured I'd ask part of it in the etiquette thread.

In terms of etiquette, does a bride-to-be get any say in the guest list for showers thrown in her honor? - assuming that the person throwing the shower knows the rule about not inviting those who aren't invited to the wedding.

Long story short - FMIL wants to throw a shower but hasn't consulted me on any of it - date / guest list / anything and presumably wants it to be a surprise.  She hasn't even told my FI the date.  I know from one of my bridesmaids that she plans on having it at a big family event and there will be lots of people in attendance that I never would have suggested be invited to a shower since a shower is typically a gift-giving event.  My FIs cousins girlfriends, for example, don't need to be invited, but will be at the family get together.  

HisGirlFriday13

Yes, the bride-to-be gets a say pre-wedding events to the extent of being consulted about the date (to make sure the bride is available) and the guest list (to make sure that the list doesn't include people who would be invited only for the sake of gifts).

If your FMIL wants to throw you a shower, that's lovely, but she needs to (a) clear the date with you and (b) make sure that it's not at a "big family event" because if it IS, every single person invited to that event, which has now become a shower, will need to be invited to the wedding. 

JCbride2015

That's tough.  I think the short answer is no.  As long as the host invites only people who are invited to the wedding, the bride can't say whom to invite.

But-- I get where you're coming from, and I have special sympathy because your intentions are to AVOID being gift-grabby.  Can you pass word through family that you desire only a small shower?  Or just be upfront with FMIL and say, "I heard you're doing X.  I would really prefer a much smaller shower, and it makes me feel awkward that these other family members may feel obligated to buy my gifts."  You can also bring up that you don't want to make this other family event all about you.  But at the end of the day, she's the host so once you've voiced your concerns, she can take it or leave it.

doeydo

Yes, I think the bride gets to choose the guest list and have a say in the date.

EverAfer

AllI think the bride gets a say
A) guestlist-just because someone is on the wedding list doesn't mean the bride wants them there, for ex: FH's friend S/O who I might not know or like. I know some of the S/O and for the others I don't know them because the boys go out and do boys things. I have no interest in being good friends with the S/Os just because of the mens friendship and don't see the reason why they need to be involved in my bridal shower. Some of his friends S/O I like, we've hung out together and hosted each other at homes, so that would be fine with me. I also don't want to feel like I need to spend the event getting to know people unless I want to, I'd rather spend that time with the people I already know and adore.

The date, yes the bride gets to ok. I know I'll be meeting the FH's extended family for the first time, and some might come a few weeks early. I also have other things going on, like planning a friend's baby shower, so yes dates needs to be cleared with the bride.

C) The bride should get a day in what kind of event it is, she knows her crowd and her comfort level and it should be respected. It's slightly different, but 2 of FH would love strippers and nudies bar for his Bach. He doesn't care for it and would rather go bowling. It's what he is comfortable with and would rather enjoy. I can't imagine someone hosting something for him in such a way that he'd rather do something else. How would that be an event in his honor? I also wouldn't be into alot of traditional games, so I'd expect whoever is hosting to not plan something for me that I don't like. I don't want to me selfish, but I prefer low key and if someone is planning something for me that's more than that, I'd thanked and politely refuse the offer.

All of that being said, is there a way to get the message to FMIL that you'd rather be a regular guest at the family get-together? Maybe someone can say you'd rather spend time getting to know people at the get together instead of being in the center of attention.

MairePoppy

The host should definitely clear the date and time with the bride. It's nice, but not necessary  for the host to consult the bride on the guest list. But this is different. She is holding the shower during a family event that has been scheduled for another purpose, such as a family reunion, right? That would make me feel squeamish, too. 

Inkdancer

MairePoppy said:

The host should definitely clear the date and time with the bride. It's nice, but not necessary  for the host to consult the bride on the guest list. But this is different. She is holding the shower during a family event that has been scheduled for another purpose, such as a family reunion, right? That would make me feel squeamish, too. 

I disagree. My FMIL wants to host a shower for me and FI, and invite all of her longtime friends. Since we will not be inviting them to the wedding, they should not be invited to the shower. The host needs to make sure that they are not accidentally inviting anyone who won't be invited to the wedding, so as not to hurt any feelings.

MobKaz

MairePoppy said:

The host should definitely clear the date and time with the bride. It's nice, but not necessary  for the host to consult the bride on the guest list. But this is different. She is holding the shower during a family event that has been scheduled for another purpose, such as a family reunion, right? That would make me feel squeamish, too. 

This is my red flag.  The FMIL is trying to kill two birds with one stone.  The invitation list goes both ways.  What if I want to attend the reunion but would prefer not to be included in the shower?  I am basically being forced to choose both or none?

MairePoppy

Inkdancer said:

MairePoppy said:

The host should definitely clear the date and time with the bride. It's nice, but not necessary  for the host to consult the bride on the guest list. But this is different. She is holding the shower during a family event that has been scheduled for another purpose, such as a family reunion, right? That would make me feel squeamish, too. 

I disagree. My FMIL wants to host a shower for me and FI, and invite all of her longtime friends. Since we will not be inviting them to the wedding, they should not be invited to the shower. The host needs to make sure that they are not accidentally inviting anyone who won't be invited to the wedding, so as not to hurt any feelings.

I agree. No one should be invited to a shower, unless they are on the wedding guest list. I didn't mention that because fungrl97 implied, in her OP, that the FMIL ' knows the rule about not inviting those who aren't invited to the wedding.'

MairePoppy

mobkaz said:

MairePoppy said:

The host should definitely clear the date and time with the bride. It's nice, but not necessary  for the host to consult the bride on the guest list. But this is different. She is holding the shower during a family event that has been scheduled for another purpose, such as a family reunion, right? That would make me feel squeamish, too. 

This is my red flag.  The FMIL is trying to kill two birds with one stone.  The invitation list goes both ways.  What if I want to attend the reunion but would prefer not to be included in the shower?  I am basically being forced to choose both or none?

For example: When my husband and I were newlyweds, we accepted an invitation to a family reunion at his aunt's farm. Each family was to bring a salad, hot dish, or dessert for the table. When Auntie realized her daughter and new husband would be attending the family reunion, she restyled it as an at home reception, spread the word by mouth to key family members. MIL never gave us the message, so we were surprised to see a wedding cake, pile of presents, card box and favors at the family reunion. When I told my MIL that I was embarrassed, she told me not to worry about it. She had added my husband's name to her card. I was mortified. 

fungrl97

Thanks for answering everyone.  This whole thing makes me so uncomfortable - I was literally in tears yesterday after finding out what FMIL plans to do.  FI has tried once to tell FMIL that it isn't necessary for her to throw a shower but she wouldn't listen to him.  My FI either doesn't get it or thinks that telling his Mom no will cause an insanely huge argument.  That may be true so I might just have to deal with the uncomfortableness but it does help a little to feel validated.

I feel like I definitely can't turn down 1 shower unless I turn down all showers and to be honest spending time with my closest family and friends and talking about wedding stuff together was something I was looking forward to.

His mom definitely won't invite people who aren't invited to the wedding.  But we're also inviting 200+ people to our wedding so I don't think it's appropriate to invite half of those people 100? to showers.  In my opinion showers should be very intimate and include immediate family and very close friends.  The guest list I would have given to my BMs when they asked would have included 15-20 people total and that would be pulling from both sides.  Now the shower that FMIL throws will likely be 2-3 times the size of the shower that includes my own family.  I'm an introvert and while I love getting together with his family as just another guest I would feel terribly uncomfortable being the center of attention in a huge group, possibly without my FI and having people who just wanted to go to a family get-together feel like they need to buy me gifts.

I was thinking about having FI request a theme like recipes or kitchen utensils so that we could at least ensure that people don't really have to bring gifts or they could bring inexpensive gifts.  But if FMIL doesn't want me to know the date / time / guest list - I highly doubt she'll take pointers on something like a theme. 

HisGirlFriday13

fungrl97 said:

Thanks for answering everyone.  This whole thing makes me so uncomfortable - I was literally in tears yesterday after finding out what FMIL plans to do.  FI has tried once to tell FMIL that it isn't necessary for her to throw a shower but she wouldn't listen to him.  My FI either doesn't get it or thinks that telling his Mom no will cause an insanely huge argument.  That may be true so I might just have to deal with the uncomfortableness but it does help a little to feel validated.

I feel like I definitely can't turn down 1 shower unless I turn down all showers and to be honest spending time with my closest family and friends and talking about wedding stuff together was something I was looking forward to.

His mom definitely won't invite people who aren't invited to the wedding.  But we're also inviting 200+ people to our wedding so I don't think it's appropriate to invite half of those people 100? to showers.  In my opinion showers should be very intimate and include immediate family and very close friends.  The guest list I would have given to my BMs when they asked would have included 15-20 people total and that would be pulling from both sides.  Now the shower that FMIL throws will likely be 2-3 times the size of the shower that includes my own family.  I'm an introvert and while I love getting together with his family as just another guest I would feel terribly uncomfortable being the center of attention in a huge group, possibly without my FI and having people who just wanted to go to a family get-together feel like they need to buy me gifts.

I was thinking about having FI request a theme like recipes or kitchen utensils so that we could at least ensure that people don't really have to bring gifts or they could bring inexpensive gifts.  But if FMIL doesn't want me to know the date / time / guest list - I highly doubt she'll take pointers on something like a theme. 

Actually, this is exactly why you CAN turn down your FMIL's shower. You just say to her, "Oh, my family is throwing one for me, and I really don't need two, but thanks so much!"

Also, if you were so upset about this you were in tears, your FI needs to have your back -- and that means he needs to grow a set, man up, and tell his mother, "Mom, I'm sorry, but Fungrl doesn't want a shower -- let alone a surprise shower -- so you're going to have to either compromise and work with her on the guest list and date or not have one at all. Those are your choices, so pick one."