Now my dad won't walk me down the aisle

FiancB

I live in MN, my parents live in OR and I came home to visit for a week. On day 2 or so my mom started in again on me. I posted a previous thread where I was adamant about having an outdoor and secular wedding, and even though I told my parents years ago that I am an atheist they won't let it go. So my mom did the usual thing where she just always wanted to get married in a church. Well, I just always wanted to get married outside but I let it slide. Apparently my sister jumped in to tell her to knock it off and she did.

But then the next morning my dad started. We had an uncomfortable conversation where he asked point blank if I am a believer and stuff. I was very honest. This is all stuff that was covered years ago, but apparently they thought it was just a phase or something. My dad said that his conscience won't let him walk me down the aisle. I started crying but kept talking through it. He said that a marriage without God is not a real marriage at all. Oh and basically anyone that says doesn't believe, he doesn't believe that they don't believe. I explained that if I just wanted a free wedding and to make people happy then sure I'd have a church wedding, but that would be really disrespectful to the church, which surprised him but didn't change anything. They are Catholic and I said I think it would be like a nonbeliever taking communion. But worse. 

We went for a walk and he said it wasn't easy to do this to me, not easy to make his daughter cry, and then he started crying. You guys don't know him, but that's like seeing John bleeping Wayne cry. He's 72, a rancher, and an ex sea captain. It just doesn't happen. He also told me I'm his favorite (out of 3 daughters, both older), which I don't really want to know and feel is inappropriate and it's confusing since I'm obviously just this huge pain.

I already feel like I'm bending over backwards for them, and now both sides are wondering if it wouldn't be better if they just didn't come. Technically my dad could've married us as a captain, but I didn't ask because I knew he wouldn't go for it. I didn't ask to have it on the property. I have not asked for one penny to help pay for it, or any help planning for it, even though they paid for my sister's. I (or R and I) did plan on having it all the way in OR, in the same county as where they live. Most of the people at the wedding will be coming from MN or similarly far away. I didn't think walking me down the aisle was a huge deal -it's just WALKING- but I guess it is. I feel like a jerk for that now, but we already have a deposit in at the venue and some friends already bought plane tickets. 

I haven't talked to R about it yet because I'd rather talk to him in person. I just don't know how to handle this. There is no right answer, except maybe for them to stop being jerks. It's not about walking down the aisle- I always thought that was kind of a weird tradition anyway- but that they won't participate and they will hate every second of it and probably not stay for the reception. 

ReturnOfKuus

So what your dad is saying is, he doesn't think you're a separate, autonomous person but rather some sort of wayward limb of his, and as such, he thinks he gets to decide what you believe and how you should live.  And if you don't knuckle under and comply, he will punish you.  He will be sad that his disobedient leg is hurt, very sad, but ultimately it is of the utmost importance to him that he has this control over you.

It's time for you to start getting angry.

FiancB

Yeah. At first I thought I was ok with it but then the day after I got pissed. And I keep getting more pissed. I am really trying to hold out but I don't know if I have it in me to deal with them anymore.

delujm0

"Dad, I respect your beliefs.  If your religious convictions make it so that you feel uncomfortable walking me down the aisle on my wedding day, then even though I am hurt right now, I will understand.  However, I expect you to also respect how I have chosen to live my life.  If you can't do that, then please don't attend the wedding.  Please know that by disrespecting my life choices, you are effectively removing yourself from my life."

 

Also, they're Catholic, so maybe if you throw in something about how if they don't respect your wedding, they won't get to meet their future grandchildren (who I guess in their minds will be bastards), that might get you some attention.  Nothing works on the Catholics like a little bit of guilt. ;-)

ReturnOfKuus

I honestly think you should break it down to him like I did to you, about how he isn't seeing you as a person and is trying to exert control over you.  And be sure to ask him what Jesus did, according to the bible.  Did he try to control people like this, strong-arm people into going through rituals, and shun people who had different beliefs?  Or instead, did he say things like treating people with love was of the utmost importance, and go to weddings that weren't of the religion he started and even help with the refreshments (didn't he bring the wine once?)?

VarunaTT

ReturnOfKuus said:

go to weddings that weren't of the religion he started and even help with the refreshments (didn't he bring the wine once?)?

DED, Kuus.

Vivandiere8

There is one thing your parents aren't realizing about the church wedding. If you are an atheist, and no longer a practicing Catholic, you can not get married in the church. If you were to get married in a Caltholic church you would have to do marriage prep with the priest, and you would have to lie to him all along the way in order to make it to the wedding day. It amazes me that parents who are religious seem to mix up "religion" with "show".  You going through the motions of a religious ceremony wouldn't make it any more or less real than getting married in a garden. If for some reason they bring up the church wedding again keep pointing out the facts as you mentioned to your father, That they are in a sense asking you to disrespect their religion.   

FiancB

Yep, and I tried to make that clear. Catholics in particular are super serious about this kind of thing. So then he thought the issue was that I didn't like the Catholic church and he'd be ok with a pastor- but the real issue here is that I do not believe in God. Head 'splode, I guess. Even though I made this clear years ago they just can't fathom it. 

I talked to FI last night about it. We're considering moving the wedding to MN. It would save us and most of our guests a lot of money- really the only people that it would be close for would be my parents and 2 other guests, the rest would be driving at least two hours and half would be from MN. We've only got 5 months to go though, and everything I've done and planned so far has been hinged on it being out there, and my parents being there, and being happy for me. It's hard to imagine anything else. 

Blergbot

We're considering moving the wedding to MN. It would save us and most of our guests a lot of money- really the only people that it would be close for would be my parents and 2 other guests, the rest would be driving at least two hours and half would be from MN.

*stuck in box* This. I'm so sorry you're going through this, btw. I may be biased, since I'm agnostic, but this is just really shitty, un-Christian behavior (I was raised Christian). I wish I had better advice for you, but sometimes even parents who love their children can forget that it's not THEIR life, it's YOURS.

CLI242009

Blergbot said:

We're considering moving the wedding to MN. It would save us and most of our guests a lot of money- really the only people that it would be close for would be my parents and 2 other guests, the rest would be driving at least two hours and half would be from MN.

*stuck in box* This. I'm so sorry you're going through this, btw. I may be biased, since I'm agnostic, but this is just really shitty, un-Christian behavior (I was raised Christian). I wish I had better advice for you, but sometimes even parents who love their children can forget that it's not THEIR life, it's YOURS.

I have the same problem OP. It didn't have to do with religion though it had to do with my life choices. The choices I made and the person I became. I had to fight tooth and nail with my parents, especially my mother to go off and be my own person and have my own opinions.

I know this is not something you want to hear but for me, this fight resulted in my family and I no longer being close. At all. My FI's family is more of a family to me than my original family ever was during my teen and young adult life. It's something that I do not regret though. It was something that I had to do though to become the person I wanted to be and have the kind of life that I wanted.

I know you want your dad to walk you down the aisle and your parents to be there but you should prepare yourself that he might not do it and if they are very hardcore in their religion they might not even show up because it's not in a Catholic Church.

HeatherRene83

That's pretty messed up that he would rather you " lie to God"(from his viewpoint ). Than to just be honest and do what makes you happy. It's your day and nothing should ruin that. You've got enough stress to deal with than having to deal with this too. Maybe your mom or sister can talk to him ?

meganmackeigan

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I am in a similar situation, but it's my father in law who is insistent we get married in the church. Same deal - it's not a real marriage if it's not in the church. I am having a hard time dealing with it and he's my father in law - I can't imagine how hard it would be to have my dad refuse to walk me down the isle. You don't deserve that. I am an athiest as well, and I have always stood by the concept of co-exist. I respect other people's right to religion, and ask only that they respect my right to not have one. I don't know what the answer is, but please know there are people out there who believe you have the right to get married the way you feel is right in your heart. This is your wedding and your marriage, and all I can tell you is I really hope your dad comes around and realizes that this should be about your day, and not his religion. Sending you my best wishes, I really hope everything works out for you.

Megan

FiancB

I finally got around to the email. It's LONG, and still needs some sort of conclusion. But I thought I'd post here to get a second or third pair of eyes to let me know if it makes sense and if it's too harsh or whatever. 

I'm writing to try to find a common ground over what we talked about when I was home. At first I was at peace with it, but the more I thought about it, the more upset and hurt I felt. 

Mostly, I am hurt by the insinuation that we aren't taking our wedding and marriage seriously. My idea of having G officiate was not a joke nor thumbing my nose at anything. Rather, getting married means a lot to us and we would rather not have a stranger do it. G has been a great friend, took R under his wing when he started teaching, and has been involved and invested in our relationship from the beginning. We aren't pulling a random person off of a street; and picking a pastor, priest, or justice of the peace that we don't know would feel that way. 


It seems that people think that I can just snap my fingers and choose what to believe, and this couldn't be further from the truth. I don't feel like I have a choice in the matter. Some people are hard wired to believe in a higher power and some aren't, and somehow I ended up being the latter. I tried to stay with it and just ended up hating myself and feeling like a fake. 


You might remember what you said about Mormon beliefs seeming very foreign to you, and having a hard time understanding how anyone could really believe in it- I feel the same way, but applied to any religion. People are what they are depending on what resonates with them, which clearly has a lot of variety since there are hundreds, if not thousands, of different spiritual belief systems out there. 


I have neither hate nor love for the church, it just has nothing to do with our lives and that is why we don't want to get married in one or have a religious wedding. It would be pretending to be something we aren't, which would be disrespectful not only to ourselves but also to the church itself as well as its believers, including yourselves. 


With that said, you matter to us too and I am wanting to do what I can to let this be a happy occasion. We would not mind having some readings from the Bible, like Corinthians 13:4-8. There are wise words that apply to everyone. You could even do a reading if you wanted to, or the person marrying us, or whomever. At this point we aren't totally sure that G will be able to make it so we may have to pick someone else anyway. We would consider having a pastor do it and include some religious aspects if it would mean that much to you, but it isn't going to center around it or mean the same to us as it may to others. I would like to have you there, enjoying yourselves, and feeling at peace with the situation. 


I would be more understanding of the issue if we were doing something anti-religious, but secular is not anti-religious, at least not in this case where we weren't planning on saying anything about it one way or the other. I don't understand how participating in a secular wedding is being a traitor to one's faith. Jesus was not afraid to associate with gentiles and led by an example of acceptance and love. I am not asking you to denounce anything, I am just asking you to be my dad. 


I would feel better about it if you talked to a priest about what he thought, and I suppose if he thinks walking me down the aisle is such a big deal then I can come to terms with that. That isn't really the main issue here- I can walk by myself, or with other family, with friends, or with R. What does upset me is the idea of people I care very much about being unable to appreciate and accept the significance of our wedding day, and to be happy for us.

Blergbot

Maybe something like, "I love you, and I hope we can celebrate together on my wedding day." I think it's a good e-mail, gets your point across without being offensive or sounding like you're picking a fight and remains fairly neutral in tone. I'm wishing the best for you!

VarunaTT

You are an adult.  You do not need to do this.  You are asking for his validation all throughout this of your adult choices.  You've got an additional burden of it being about religion.  This is not going to go the way you want it to go.  Stop.

I cannot even begin to imagine how much this hurts, b/c I was very very lucky when it came to my very religious mother and my atheism.  But he isn't going to see this from your POV and you've rejected his.  You dad isn't John Wayne.  Hell, John Wayne wasn't John Wayne.  That's fictional, your father is a living, breathing, imperfect human.

"Dad, this is the date/time of my wedding.  I want you to walk me down the aisle.  If you choose not to, I will be incredibly hurt.  I hop you change your mind.  Daughter".

FiancB

Yeah, FI thought I went too long too. I cut it down to just saying that we might be willing to change a couple things but that's it, take it or leave it. They've had nearly a decade to accept that I am different from them and if they haven't yet, they aren't going to start now, so I pretty much left the religion stuff out. I haven't heard back.