Dealing with family members' opinions on the wedding

KCLindgren

Any tips on dealing with difficult family members during wedding planning and too many relatives/friends trying to persuade you to do something a certain way?

My father passed away in late September and I had posted on this forum about ways to honor a loved one at the wedding. I decided to have a photo in a frame of him and a candle next to the guest book at the cocktail hour.  I was going to add a small card that said "In loving memory of ______, father of the bride."  My fiancé loved the idea, my in-laws, and my mother liked the idea.  When I was sharing it with my dad's relatives they said they liked it, too. 
Then I got a phone call from my mom this weekend (weeks after the conversation) saying that she spoke to my dad's sisters and they don't want me to include a photo of my dad or a candle.  They feel it's "too upsetting," especially for them and my grandmother (my father's mother).  My mom said I need to take into account other people's feelings and that this wedding is not about my dad.

I am very upset because this gesture was important to me.  I really want to recognize my dad on that day and I think it's a subtle, classy way of doing it. 
My friend suggested I write a heartfelt letter explaining why this is so important to me and sending it to my aunts.  She says I should then go ahead and do the photo and candle. 
My mom says it will cause more drama. 

I'm feeling frustrated because I want to be able to share details about the wedding and our plans but it seems that every time I do, it causes drama because relatives want it done a different way (including my mom, who is contributing some money towards the wedding).  Should I just keep the details to myself from now on? 

Any similar experiences that you can share?  Thanks.

lac1252

I think in this case that you should honor your dad how you want to honor him. I think your plan is very simple and not something that will overshadow the day. I understand taking into account your relatives' feelings but he was your father and not having him on your wedding day is going to be hard enough if you also can't honor him in a way that you want.

I think your friend's suggestion to send a letter to your aunt is a good idea or at least talk to her so she understands how important it is to you. While the pain is still fresh for some I think you will regret in the long run not having honored your father in some way on your wedding day. Bottom line, it is your day.

Mandafly84

I think #1, you should do it anyway.  I would not send the letter to your aunts because it's going to open up further discussion and frankly, you don't need further discussion.  There are very few times when I've pulled the "it's your wedding" line, but this is one of them.  From now until the wedding, I wouldn't bring the subject up again with your family, but discreetly instruct your DOC to set up the photo and candle.  To me, this would be important enough to ignore the other opinions.  And honestly, if I was a guest and knew that your father had passed, I'd find it odd if there wasn't a mention of him anywhere.  I read your post about the ways to honor your father and I think your plans are perfectly appropriate.  I've seen weddings where a ceremony chair is left vacant or a place at the table is set and reserved for a deceased family member, and I've found those gestures to be uncomfortable.  You have a great solution where he is honored and recognized, but his absence is not made the center of attention.

And #2, while you weren't wrong in any way to discuss the situation with your family, I do think it's best to keep wedding talk to a minimum.  You don't really need endless differing opinions on the details of your day, and you open yourself up to it when you talk wedding with other people.  Certainly you can talk about the wedding with your mom, and yes take her opinion into consideration, but contributing "some" =/= final say.  To me, contributing "some" money means that you give in if she really wants a certain kind of flower, a specific appetizer, wants to sit with so-and-so, and really wants the DJ to play a certain song.  Early on in my planning I learned to discuss ideas with my fiancee (now husband), and when I needed an unbiased opinion, to come here.

hyechica81

my brother had a table outside past the bar area, it had photos of both sets of grandparents on there wedding day my parents wedding day and her parents and grandparents on their wedding days as well some of the people in the photo had long passed away and i thought that was a cute idea something we will be doing.


i think its a great idea and you should still do it

KCLindgren

You girls are right! Thanks for the input. Here's hoping I can prevent future drama by reigning in the wedding talk a little with relatives. Lol!