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Wedding Etiquette Forum
isperduto
member
Ideas for how to honor my fiance's late father with a surprise at the wedding
Hello! My fiance's father passed away from cancer a few years ago and I'd like to think of a creative way to honor him as a surprise for my fiance and future mother in law at the rehearsal dinner of wedding. I've seen the idea of candles but I was hoping to do something bigger. Any ideas are welcome! Thanks 
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Re: Ideas for how to honor my fiance's late father with a surprise at the wedding
I think your heart is in the right place but I think this is an awful idea- you do not want to surprise your fiance or mil with something like this. Make sure they are 100% on board with any kind of honor for him.
I agree with PP that you shouldn't surprise them. My dad passed over a decade ago, but I know I would be a sobbing mess if FI tried to do a showy tribute without my knowledge. It can put a real damper on a happy occasion.
Why not have a photo of your FI and his dad put into a locket that he can pin inside his suit on your wedding day?
At the rehearsal dinner? That's interesting, I hadn't thought of that. I don't know if I agree or not, mostly because of the suprise element. Surprises are such a double edged sword, be careful with this.
I've seen tables with pictures and candles set up in loving memory... or chairs reserved for loved ones gone.. I don't know. If you try to make a production out of it though, be prepared for backlash.
Assuming your FI is okay with it, the deceased can be given a tribute in a wedding program, your FI can wear or carry something associated with him, or you can provide food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment he would have enjoyed.
But it should definitely not be a "surprise." That has the potential for being incredibly painful to your FI, his mother, and anyone else in mourning for him.
Consider the following: my grandma is THEE most important thing in the world to me. Since she passed in 2007, her memory is all that I have left. My SO knows this very well and even told me, when I took him to her grave in my hometown for the first time this Christmas, "Thank you so much for bringing me here. I'm glad we were able to visit her" as he wiped the tears from my face. If he were to do something to honor her memory and surprise me with on the day of our wedding, I might have a breakdown. People who've gone through loss typically find their own way of coping during really important life events--it's a survival tactic. A surprise memorial could really disrupt their emotional well-being and they may shift their focus from the wonderful, positive point of the wedding to the fact that they're missing their loved one.
I know your heart is in the right place, but I cannot stress enough not to do anything to honor your FI's late father that is a "surprise". Death is a sensitive subject and what might be "touching and wonderful" for one person would be "gut wrenching and horrific" for another.
My father is passed away and I got married in June of last year. I personally would have been very disconcerted if my DH had sprung something to honor my father, at our rehearsal dinner, without any discussion with me first.
With that said, I think it would be a loving gesture to ask your FI and FMIL if/how they would like to incorporate your FI's father's memory in the rehearsal dinner and/or wedding.
IMO, "bigger" is not necessarily better. You don't want to overshadow a happy occassion with tragedy. In my case, we didn't do anything at the rehearsal dinner, but had subtleties in the ceremony that only myself, my DH, and mom knew about. I've read other PPs who have symbols more public than what I did, such as special flower(s) or a framed photograph, and I think those are subtle yet meaningful ideas also. But again, what is subtle for one person might be overwhelming for another and that's why I strongly recommend you discuss any ideas with FI and FMIL ahead of time.
I surprised my H with a groom's cake at the RD. FIL passed away 7 years prior to our wedding and there was no way I could have surprised him with any sort of tribute to FIL at the RD. It would have put a huge damper on the evening and I think MIL would have cried uncontrolably. We were even careful to not let our DJ play certain music at the reception so that MIL did not become upset.
We did honor FIL in our program, had him mentioned during the Prayers of the Faithful during our ceremony, had a bouquet of flowers honoring FIL and our grandparents (but there was no sign indicating what the bouquet meant), and had FIL & MIL's wedding picture displayed with my parents and all the grandparents wedding photos. And all of what we did was fine with my H and MIL - as they knew ahead of time what was planned.
I would have to agree with the PP's here...please don't try to surprise someone with this topic. I would mention to them that you would like to honor the FI fathers memory and ask them for what they would like to do to make that happen. A wedding is a happy place, and I personally hate when people make over the top memorials at their weddings. (I don't like the whole empty chairs, pictures at an empty table etc...) Just keep it simple and small and you'll be fine!
When I was engaged, I already had ideas in mind of how *I* wanted to honor him and his memory at my wedding. They were private and personal and not anything that anyone beyond me, my FI, and my most immediate family would ever know about. And they all were on board with everything.
I would ask him how he wants to remember his dad at the wedding, if he chooses to acknowledge it at all. And then back off and respect his decision.
No surprising. Bad, bad idea. FI's Mom is deceased. He was surprised when I asked if he wanted to honor her in some way. (We had already discussed what we would do if my Dad passed before our wedding, thankfully that hasn't happened, though his health is touch and go). We thought about putting the rocking chair that she rocked him in somewhere in the foyer of the venue, but decided there was too much risk of damage. Instead, I'm wearing one of her rings on my right hand.
Talk it over with FI and his Mom. See what THEY would want, even if it's just a brief mention of him in the ceremony, or a boutinerre on the chair he would have occupied.