Second Weddings

His First, My Second

His First, My Second.

 

Is it odd to battle feeling like I’m cheapening the experience because of that fact? I was 21 when I was married the first time, I will be 32 when DF and I marry. Truth be told, with that 11 year gap I’m surprised I feel the way I do.

 

Both of our families are completely supportive, elated, even, because we have found each other. In fact, my ex-husband and ex-in laws are even supportive (our divorce, nearly 6 years ago, was amicable and as we share a child together, we have always kept relations pleasant and respectful for our son’s sake). But even with this great scenario, I find myself thinking,

 

“DF has waited 37 years to find “the one” and he chose me. And I already “used” the first wedding experience (think: registering, showers, etc) up on someone I should have never married.” 

 

Please understand, it really isn’t about the things/traditions – it’s really more about the fact that I purposely have to avoid the “normal” wedding traditions because this is my second wedding.  I think I feel like I’m taking away from DF, in a sense?

 

On reading this post I feel it’s almost pathetic – I am a grown woman and reasonably, I know none of this matters in the end. But still, I would love to hear from ladies in similar scenarios and how you kept perspective during this time.

 

On a side note, this man is literally the man I prayed for. We were made for each other and…it’s just easy, beautiful, and peaceful. After 2.5 years, I could not be more excited – I think I just need permission to be excited even though I’m a second time bride. 

Re: His First, My Second

  • You can definitely have the wedding you want with all the traditions that you want for a second wedding.  You can wear white and a veil, have attendants, showers and register. 

    My DH and I had a formal wedding.  I wore a white gown with a veil, he wore a tux; and we had 4 attendants each.  We kept the traditions we wanted to celebrate and tossed the ones that didn't make sense to us.  My MOH threw me a bridal shower (she offered and I accepted). We registered for things we wanted and or needed. 

    The only things you cannot do are: host parties in your honor (but you cannot do that the first time either), and get married in the Catholic church (unless your first marriage was annulled).  Other than that you can have all the traditions and such as you want. This is your first marriage to your FI.  So have the wedding you want and can afford. 

    Congratulations and welcome to the board!!

  • Oh SJohnson, you have described so many of the same feelings I am having! I am in the same situation you are...I married when I was 21, I am now 30, FI never married. FI is the man of my dreams and I am so happy to be starting a life together; however, the whole "wedding" situation makes me so uncomfortable I'd like to just skip it, haha.

    MikesAngie makes some great points and all I can add to them is that you shouldn't punish yourself for your past. Go on and plan the wedding that you want to have with your FI!

    Best wishes to you and do not forget that many of us are feeling the same way.

  • Even though we've both been married before we're still having a wedding, right down to wedding dress & tuxes. Just because we've danced this dance before doesn't mean we can't make our final dance memorable. Like you, this is the man I've prayed for and I know he's the one I'll spend the rest of my life with, why not celebrate that, regardless of being married before? The only thing we're not following "tradition" on is gift registry since we live together & have what we need. I wish you all the best!
  • Oh how I understand! My fiance and I were both married before. He married a woman while he was deployed and found out she only wanted his money and benefits. I married a man who I was with out of habit that showed his true colors less than 3 weeks after the wedding. Neither of us ever should have married our exes. I completely relate to the feeling of having wasted my first wedding. I feel like I am almost making a mockery of the fact that I was married already. I am excited about this wedding and love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love someone. But there's a part of me that feels like I'm a laughing stock. But then I remember that I am marrying the man I love and the man I'm meant to marry. And that this wedding is the one I always wanted. It's filled with love and laughter and a bright future. You're not alone. It's okay to be feeling like this. XOXO
  • This will be my second wedding too, and my FI's first, so I kind of get what you mean in that you feel like you've cheapened it because of that. 

    I was 23 when I first got married, and I'm now 41. Unlike PPs, and yourself, I don't regret marrying my XH. We had a great relationship, with practically no problems, but he wanted kids and I didn't (still don't), so there was only so far we could go, and we divorced shortly after we found out the other person's opinion of kids, after being married for six years (we didn't discuss kids before marriage. I assumed he didn't want them since he'd never brought them up, he assumed I wanted them as I hadn't said otherwise). 

    There is going to be nothing even remotely traditional about my wedding - I'm not wearing white, or a veil, or being given away, or anything like that. But I didn't have that at my first wedding either; it's just not my style.

    My advice is this: do whatever the fuck you want to do. If you want to go super traditional, be given away, wear a veil, wear a white dress, do it. If you don't, don't. It;s really as simple as that. Talk to your FI about about your feelings, I'm sure he'll say the same.
  • I'm in a similar situation, I had a short first marriage as my ex was abusive. FI has never been married before, so this is his first marriage, so out of compromise, we're having an Episcopal church wedding. I'm still doing some traditional things such as the white dress, veil, and being escorted by my dad.

    My first wedding was outdoors, so I'm already doing something different by having a wedding inside a church.
  • First marriage legally ended over a year ago but we were seperated for a year and half before. This year we would have been married 20 yrs. This will be my fiancé's first marriage. I want to keep it as traditional for him as I can. With my first I didn't have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party or even a  wedding dress for that matter. I didn't walk down and aisle with my daddy. So this time I am walking down the aisle with my daddy, I am doing everything I missed out on the 1st time. Its all about what you want.
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  • Go for it. I would have been married 31 years this past June. We've been separated for the last 2 1/2 years. I'm 51 and will be 53 when we marry. I'm nervous too. My son says why get married. It didn't work the first time so why do it again! He's 27 lol
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  • This is my 2nd marriage and my FH first.  I didn't have a wedding with my first.  I have 2 girls and I was thinking of having them walk me down the isle. I am still debating on wearing a veil. Do I wear a ivory dress or can I wear a white dress? (MY FH wants me to wear white)  Decisions, decisions...

  • edited August 2014

    This is my 2nd marriage and my FH first.  I didn't have a wedding with my first.  I have 2 girls and I was thinking of having them walk me down the isle. I am still debating on wearing a veil. Do I wear a ivory dress or can I wear a white dress? (MY FH wants me to wear white)  Decisions, decisions...

    You can't get married without a wedding. 

    Just a friendly FYI bc if you say JOP, elopements or simple weddings are not real weddings you'll get eaten alive on other boards :) 

    You may have had a simple wedding the first time  you got married, but if you got married you did in fact have a wedding. GL with your second one :)

    You can wear white or whatever color you wish. You can wear a veil if you want. Your attire is your choice, wear what makes you feel good.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • edited September 2014

    SIB


    To the OP: I feel like I could have written this! I was 21 when I married the first time, which lasted til I was 27/28.  I am now 33 and am marrying a man who hasn't been married before.  He just turned 40.  In my planning I have felt like I really wanted a toned down wedding this time, basically the opposite of my wedding to my ex.  My fiancé has always thought he would never get married and he dated the woman before me for 12 years. 

    In the wedding planning process because it is his first wedding and my second, I have decided to defer to his opinion on almost everything he feels at all strongly about.  I also don't even remember many of the minor details of my own first wedding, so I am not getting hung up on the small stuff. 

    Given the fact that I am a second-time bride, the pre-wedding parties feel frivolous and silly and I didn't want to register because people already bought me stuff the first time.  That said, a friend insisted on throwing me a bridal shower, so I made a very small wishlist on Amazon.  There will be 1 childhood friend and my parents at the wedding and those are the only 3 people who were present at my first wedding, so at least there's that? I'd probably put my foot down if there were more duplicate guests from my first wedding.

    So this time I'm just going with the flow and keeping the focus on the celebration of love.  If my groom wants something a certain way, fine by me.


    In this wedding we are skipping some wedding traditions; no attendants, no first dances, no big introduction, no formal dinner (there is plenty of food though).

    I am wearing a short ivory dress, a sweater I knit myself and a flower crown.  He is wearing khakis, a vest and tie I am also knitting.

  • I apologize that I have not finished reading all of the replies as I am at work (oops hehe) but this too is my second wedding and his first. However, I was VERY young when I got married the first time (I was 18) and I didn't have the big wedding .. no parties or showers or anything of the sort. I am getting completely wrapped up in it all and I couldn't be more excited. It honestly feels more like a first wedding ..

     

    so, enjoy your day .. enjoy!!

  • WOW, you could have written my post. I am dealing with the same thing - wondering if we should avoid "normal" traditions because this is my second marriage as well.

    A little bit of background, I am currently 35, turn 36 on 10/11, our wedding is set for 10/1/2015 so I will be almost 37 by then. FH is 27 right now, will be 28 by the wedding. Like you, I married young, but was with my ex-husband when I was 19. We had our daughter first when we were 21 (she is now 14 yo), and married at age 23, almost 24. This is also my FH's first wedding.

    For me, I want him to have the "wedding experience", and we both decided on what was best - a destination wedding to Las Vegas, we are getting married at a chapel and will be only inviting our immediate families, and a few close friends, as well as my daughter, of course. When he says to me, "I want you to have the wedding you never had the first time around", I can't say how much I appreciate that, because my first wedding was not what I wanted. That being said, I want him to experience the traditions and he's okay with not going that route. 

    Like you, I don't want to "cheapen" the experience for the man I love, OR his family. His family has been incredibly supportive from day 1, when all I thought was "I'm damaged goods, I am divorced with a child, etc". That isn't the case, but I don't want to take this moment from them either. I totally get it!

    Something I am learning through this experience is we are going to do what makes us happy, but I know roadblocks will be hit while going through the planning process. For example, I don't want my father walking me down the aisle (and FH is fine with that), because he did during my first wedding. I want to walk myself down the aisle. I am not sure how my father will handle that when I tell him (no, I have not yet).

    Best of luck to you, and remember, we are here for you!
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  • WOW, you could have written my post. I am dealing with the same thing - wondering if we should avoid "normal" traditions because this is my second marriage as well.

    A little bit of background, I am currently 35, turn 36 on 10/11, our wedding is set for 10/1/2015 so I will be almost 37 by then. FH is 27 right now, will be 28 by the wedding. Like you, I married young, but was with my ex-husband when I was 19. We had our daughter first when we were 21 (she is now 14 yo), and married at age 23, almost 24. This is also my FH's first wedding.

    For me, I want him to have the "wedding experience", and we both decided on what was best - a destination wedding to Las Vegas, we are getting married at a chapel and will be only inviting our immediate families, and a few close friends, as well as my daughter, of course. When he says to me, "I want you to have the wedding you never had the first time around", I can't say how much I appreciate that, because my first wedding was not what I wanted. That being said, I want him to experience the traditions and he's okay with not going that route. 

    Like you, I don't want to "cheapen" the experience for the man I love, OR his family. His family has been incredibly supportive from day 1, when all I thought was "I'm damaged goods, I am divorced with a child, etc". That isn't the case, but I don't want to take this moment from them either. I totally get it!

    Something I am learning through this experience is we are going to do what makes us happy, but I know roadblocks will be hit while going through the planning process. For example, I don't want my father walking me down the aisle (and FH is fine with that), because he did during my first wedding. I want to walk myself down the aisle. I am not sure how my father will handle that when I tell him (no, I have not yet).

    Best of luck to you, and remember, we are here for you!

    I detect a trend here lol As you with the other poster, your post seems as though I wrote it!

    2nd wedding for me, first for fiance. He is also younger than me, like yours is. I have two kids from my first husband and we were married for 12 years (together for 14), will be divorced for 6 when I get remarried.

    I too struggle with some of the traditions but also don't want to deny him the opportunity to experience everything he wants in a wedding.

    We are also going to Vegas, as that is "our place". We love it there! We are having immediate family and close friends and are expecting about 25 people. I'm not sure about having my dad walk me down the isle because he did that the first time and I'm not sure if I feel right about him doing it again. I have thrown around the idea of having both of my kids walk me down the isle -- my daughter will be 17 and my son will be 13 at the time. Is that weird? Just not sure...

    My mother is not overly supportive as she thinks we should just stay living together (which is funny because she was adamant that I get married the first time around lol). My dad just wants me to be happy.

    His parents are amazing, which is another reason that I need to remember this is his first marriage. They are over the moon excited and were on the trip with us when he proposed. They are very excited about the wedding, so I need to ensure we do it properly so that everyone is happy.

    So far we're thinking about having the ceremony at the Flamingo or Caesars, with an in-suite reception at whatever hotel we have the ceremony at. We weren't going to do the first dance but are now talking about it. I think he's always wanted to but wanted to make sure I was comfortable with whatever we decided on.

    I find it very tough because I'm worried that he's not voicing his opinion on certain things because he thinks I might not want it or want to do it if I did it the first time around. While there are certain things I do not want to do (i.e. the receiving line.......ugh, hated it the first time around, a bridal shower since I have everything I need, etc.), I am open to whatever it is he wants to do. I just don't know how to drag his opinion out of him lol

    Enough of my rambling, I'm just glad that I'm not the only bride that is struggling with so many of these thoughts. I guess I can almost dare to call myself normal lol

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  • You are definitely not alone, and it is normal! I hope you are able to get some feedback from your fiancé. Another Vegas bride! Come join us on the Nevada- Vegas board! It is fun! It will be our first time to LV!
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  • I totally get it.  I feel exactly the same way.  Instead of all the giddy first time around elatedness I feel like I just have anxiety and worries about what everyone else is thinking and that especially when it's his first that this is somehow unfair to him.

    Personally.... I found the "It's Normal" link out of the START here discussion on this board to be SO helpful.  Your feelings are normal, but they don't have to be the focus.  I'm trying to stay focused on this being a first for US, which helps.

    Good luck!


  • @atty526 it's good to look at the posting date of the OP (original post). This one is from Jan 2014 and the OP (also stands fro original poster) has' logged on in over a year. When you post on old threads you typically end up talking to yourself as the OP isn't around or may have already gotten an answer. :)

    We refer to these threads as "zombie threads" and bumping them is generally frowned upon in most cases.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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