Family Vent

blabla89

This is a long one so if you don't want to read, feel free to just skip to the bottom and leave me some cheer up gifs.

So, my Grandma's 85th birthday is coming up and my brother informed me that the whole family would be spending her birthday weekend together in a vacation house somewhere. Being cooped up in a house with my family generally results in tempers flaring pretty quickly - so that's not my idea of a party. But hey, anything for my Grandma. I love her.

Tonight my aunt, who is a total bully, texted me that she had selected Lake of the Ozarks as our destination. The lake is nasty and there is really not much to do down there except hang out together. But, trying to be nice about it, I responded that it sounded nice, and did she have any specific activities in mind. Suddenly I was getting walls of angry text about how she searched everywhere in the country and this was the only place for an affordable vacation rental and how dare I think we should all gather at Grandma's house (I never said that) because that would stress her out way too much. I responded, "Okay okay, just asking in case I could help with anything, sheesh." And then my aunt asked why I said that, like it was completely unwarranted. I know my aunt isn't deliberately being harsh - she's a single mom of two rowdy boys and takes all that stress out on other people. She especially loves to berate me for doing things wrong, and then when I try to stay out of the way, for not helping enough. My mom was the only one who would stand up to her, but she's gone and now my aunt has free reign to treat everyone else like crap again.

So now my mind is racing thinking about how bad this could be. I'm already dreading that this will be a repeat of the last 3 Christmases, which were absolutely miserable due to my aunt's bullying and other family frustrations. I hadn't had a panic attack in 3 or 4 years but suddenly I had 3 over the week that I was home for Christmas. I know the birthday weekend won't really be that bad, buy my worst case scenario thinking is getting the best of me.

Anyway - I'm glad this is a place where I can get all that off my chest. Just typing it out kind of felt good. I'd love to hear any advice you ladies have on dealing with crazy family or anxiety/panic attacks. Gifs are also appreciated.

Teddy917

I don't get along well with my family. Neither does my husband. We can tolerate them but we don't like how they treat us. However, we go to events with them to show that we're making an effort to bridge the gap. But we have a signal. If I nudge my husband, he'll make an excuse to have us leave or at least go for a walk. He even warned them that he doesn't do well with a lot of people that he doesn't know (which is true). He wanted to make it so any need to leave was placed on him so that I would feel comfortable leaving and not get blamed for not spending time with them, or whatever other thing they would get butthurt about.

RWS2011

I am so sorry to hear about your family woes.  This does not sound like the kind of person who would respond to any kind of discussion about respect or boundaries from someone younger than her.  The best you can do is try not to internalize her anger/aggression.  When you feel like you want to react to it, remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you.  It is her baggage.  (edited to fix typo)

In the meantime, enjoy these pictures of cats posing like male models:

minskat30

I'm sorry.  I wouldn't try to engage her at all other than simple "yes", "no" or "ok" answers.  If she starts to berate you for that just tell her you won't engage with her when she is berating you and walk away.  I hate to admit it, but I have certain family members (especially when drinking) who do this to me.  I found escaping and pretending like it didn't happen in the morning is the best route... but I hate conflict.  Also, can you get anything in advance medicine-wise in case you do have a panic attack again?

blabla89

Thanks y'all.

@RWS2011 I want pictures of cats...why can't I see them??

@minskat30 I will throw some meds in my bag for the trip. I totally regretted not bringing them with me for my last trip home. I don't need them on a daily basis anymore but I keep them just in case.

RWS2011

It's not showing up?  

minskat30

@Lalalaurita - No shame in needing meds to deal with crazy family.  I try my darndest not to be brought into the drama last time I visited family ... it just sucks you in though, doesn't it (especially when you are the target because they don't see you that often so they don't feel like it has consequences)?

@RWS2011 - I can see it!  Love, love, love it too.

blabla89

@RWS2011 it's probably just my silly office computer - I'll check it out when I get home!

@minskat30 - Totally agree. I did take meds daily and went to counseling several years ago, when the stress was just way too much. It helped, and now that my situation is better (done with school, living on my own, in my favorite city, with a secure job) I can manage just fine without. The family drama though, definitely sucks me in.

ETA: I googled cats posing as male models and it is HILARIOUS!

melmac86

I'm sorry you're dealing with a tough crowd. I don't have good advice, but I do have this:

phira

Your aunt sounds like a nightmare. UGH!

My partner's sister-in-law is really hard to be around for long periods of time ... well, and short periods of time, too. Just in general. Our new way of dealing with her is that we have a signal for when one of us needs to get away from her for a bit. Right now the signal is just meaningful eye contact, but basically, one person gives the signal, and the other one says something like, "I want to go for a walk for a bit. Come with me, [partner]."

I don't know if that'll help you at all, but it sounds like you just need an escape plan for when your aunt gets WAY unbearable.