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FMIL did a '180' on us??

It makes me really sad that I am having to ask for advice on this.  It is a short story, so I am hoping to turn this around before it becomes a horrible problem.  I have been with my FI forever, and we have always had a loving, great relationship with his parents.  I love his older sister, too! 

We have been engaged for a few weeks now.  Twice we have sat down and tried to talk wedding stuff, for example, dates/possible invite list/ideas, and it has gone beyond terrible.  Twice now my FI has left the hang out furious, and myself in tears the whole way home. All the sudden, she is being rude and fighting us on everything we say.  She is being very aggressive and rolling her eyes, making rude comments, and just overall having a problem with everything.  For example, She even accused me of lying to her and saying that I told her we were getting married in 2016, which is laughable because I have never once said the words, "2016" in my life.  My FI AND my FFIL both told her ( because they were there) that I did not say that.  It is a simple misunderstanding, but she is was being crazy and accusing me to my face of lying about the year, then when I said I did not say that, she went back in forth with me like it was a grade school fight. It got the the point where I just quick talking. This is just one example of several. 

My FI and I cannot figure out what changed or what is going on?? We have never had issues with her or anyone in their family, not even once.  We are shocked and very hurt that she is just trying to create all this drama for zero reason at all.  Just because I know people will ask, they are not paying for anything for the wedding.  They didn't volunteer, so that is fine.  We were just talking to her about decisions we made and ideas just because we want her to be involved because we thought it would be fun.  We now realize that she cannot be involved or she will ruin this for everyone.  This isn't what we wanted but how do we turn this around??  I feel like there is nothing we can do. 

My FI told me today he thinks she is 'jealous'?  I don't really understand why or how? Any thoughts?  We just have no idea what changed? My FI is 30 and his older sister has her own family, so he isn't the first one 'moving on' in life.  Also, we have lived together for years, so us getting engaged/married did not actually change anything at all.  We are just shocked because we cannot figure out where all this drama is coming from and we NEVER thought this was going to be how this was going to go with her.  I hope it changes back ASAP, but it is out of my control. She seemed over the moon when we got engaged, then that quickly changed.  We do not like drama or confrontation, LOL.  I would appreciate any thoughts, similar situations, or suggestions. Thank you!

Re: FMIL did a '180' on us??

  • I put in the post he is the youngest at 30 years old but he isn't an only child.  She turned on both of us.  We made a deal that, " I deal with  my parents, you deal with yours". So he already had a meet up with her where she apologized to him, then did the exact same thing the next time we hung out.  She isn't just rude to me, she is rude to her son. :( 

    The one great thing is that my FI stands up for me and tries to handle the situation when she starts bullying me.  First hang out was at their house so the next time we made it at a 'neutral location' but that did not help.  We are afraid she feels like she is being 'replaced', but that is not what is happening.  We have been in a relationship forever, live together for years, so we can not figure out what changed or why she would feel like she is being 'replaced'. The whole thing makes us very sad, just wishing we could all get along again.  I was afraid that our only thing would be to not include her anymore.

    NOTE:  She made up the "2016" thing, that conversation never happened, so we think she is just making things up to justify her being jealous.  Also, my post keep double submitting, I am sorry.  I only hit the button one time. Weird.  My FFIL is amazing and cannot figure out what her problem is either, he is very upset by her actions, too. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited January 2014
    Am I blind? I can't find where you said that he was the youngest, only that he has an older sister that has moved on with her life.

    Since FMIL's apologies are meaningless, you should avoid discussing the wedding with her for the time being. She might come around when she realizes that she is missing an important part of her son's life because of her own nasty behavior. You don't have to put up with abuse from anyone, not even a family member.

    *I don't know whats going on with the weird font changes.*

                       
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLost
  • My FIL's have done the exact same thing. It's super frustrating, especially when everyone else is excited for you and they make it their personal mission to find the negative in everything. Stop trying to involve them. It was a nice gesture but they will continue to bring stress into your planning if you don't. Don't feel bad about it, they're the ones in the wrong and honestly, I think they're the ones that come across as immature.

     

    [Deleted User]
  • It makes me really sad that I am having to ask for advice on this.  It is a short story, so I am hoping to turn this around before it becomes a horrible problem.  I have been with my FI forever, and we have always had a loving, great relationship with his parents.  I love his older sister, too! 

    We have been engaged for a few weeks now.  Twice we have sat down and tried to talk wedding stuff, for example, dates/possible invite list/ideas, and it has gone beyond terrible.  Twice now my FI has left the hang out furious, and myself in tears the whole way home. All the sudden, she is being rude and fighting us on everything we say.  She is being very aggressive and rolling her eyes, making rude comments, and just overall having a problem with everything.  For example, She even accused me of lying to her and saying that I told her we were getting married in 2016, which is laughable because I have never once said the words, "2016" in my life.  My FI AND my FFIL both told her ( because they were there) that I did not say that.  It is a simple misunderstanding, but she is was being crazy and accusing me to my face of lying about the year, then when I said I did not say that, she went back in forth with me like it was a grade school fight. It got the the point where I just quick talking. This is just one example of several. 

    My FI and I cannot figure out what changed or what is going on?? We have never had issues with her or anyone in their family, not even once.  We are shocked and very hurt that she is just trying to create all this drama for zero reason at all.  Just because I know people will ask, they are not paying for anything for the wedding.  They didn't volunteer, so that is fine.  We were just talking to her about decisions we made and ideas just because we want her to be involved because we thought it would be fun.  We now realize that she cannot be involved or she will ruin this for everyone.  This isn't what we wanted but how do we turn this around??  I feel like there is nothing we can do. 

    My FI told me today he thinks she is 'jealous'?  I don't really understand why or how? Any thoughts?  We just have no idea what changed? My FI is 30 and his older sister has her own family, so he isn't the first one 'moving on' in life.  Also, we have lived together for years, so us getting engaged/married did not actually change anything at all.  We are just shocked because we cannot figure out where all this drama is coming from and we NEVER thought this was going to be how this was going to go with her.  I hope it changes back ASAP, but it is out of my control. She seemed over the moon when we got engaged, then that quickly changed.  We do not like drama or confrontation, LOL.  I would appreciate any thoughts, similar situations, or suggestions. Thank you!

    @MariePoppy it is easy to miss because I wrote a novel! LOL Sorry it is so long.
  • LoveLee2014LoveLee2014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
  • It makes me really sad that I am having to ask for advice on this.  It
    is a short story, so I am hoping to turn this around before it becomes a
    horrible problem.  I have been with my FI forever, and we have always
    had a loving, great relationship with his parents.  I love his older
    sister, too! 


    We have been engaged for a few weeks now.  Twice
    we have sat down and tried to talk wedding stuff, for example,
    dates/possible invite list/ideas, and it has gone beyond terrible. 
    Twice now my FI has left the hang out furious, and myself in tears the
    whole way home. All the sudden, she is being rude and fighting us on
    everything we say.  She is being very aggressive and rolling her eyes,
    making rude comments, and just overall having a problem with
    everything.  For example, She even accused me of lying to her and saying
    that I told her we were getting married in 2016, which is laughable
    because I have never once said the words, "2016" in my life.  My FI AND
    my FFIL both told her ( because they were there) that I did not say
    that.  It is a simple misunderstanding, but she is was being crazy and
    accusing me to my face of lying about the year, then when I said I did
    not say that, she went back in forth with me like it was a grade school
    fight. It got the the point where I just quick talking. This is just one
    example of several. 

    My FI and I cannot figure out what changed
    or what is going on?? We have never had issues with her or anyone in
    their family, not even once.  We are shocked and very hurt that she is
    just trying to create all this drama for zero reason at all.  Just
    because I know people will ask, they are not paying for anything for the
    wedding.  They didn't volunteer, so that is fine.  We were just talking
    to her about decisions we made and ideas just because we want her to be
    involved because we thought it would be fun.  We now realize that she
    cannot be involved or she will ruin this for everyone.  This isn't what
    we wanted but how do we turn this around??  I feel like there is nothing
    we can do. 

    My FI told me today he thinks she is 'jealous'?  I
    don't really understand why or how? Any thoughts?  We just have no idea
    what changed? My FI is 30 and his older sister has her own family, so he
    isn't the first one 'moving on' in life.
      Also, we have lived together
    for years, so us getting engaged/married did not actually change
    anything at all.  We are just shocked because we cannot figure out where
    all this drama is coming from and we NEVER thought this was going to be
    how this was going to go with her.  I hope it changes back ASAP, but it
    is out of my control. She seemed over the moon when we got engaged,
    then that quickly changed.  We do not like drama or confrontation, LOL. 
    I would appreciate any thoughts, similar situations, or suggestions.
    Thank you!

    @MariePoppy it is easy to miss because I wrote a novel! LOL Sorry it is so long.

    You never mentioned him being the youngest. Just that he had an older sister.
    MairePoppymelbelleup[Deleted User]Jen&Mike8
  • If this is a sudden, dramatic behavioural change that no one can figure out, has anyone suggested having her get a neurological check up?
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    PrettyGirlLostLakeR2014quadia1982
  • @Teddy917 I assumed that since I only mentioned one older sister that people realized that was his only sibling.  My bad.
  • If this is a sudden, dramatic behavioral change that no one can figure out, has anyone suggested having her get a neurological check up?

    Yikes, I never thought of this.  She works full time and they are very social, I just have no idea.  I would hope there wouldn't be something actually wrong with her....if I mentioned this people might think I was just trying to be rude?  I feel like I am in the 'catch 22' phase, anything I say will and can be held against me.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • LoveLee2014LoveLee2014 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2014
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I think it would be a very very bad idea for you to mention a neurological checkup. She might take it better from her son, or if you can get in touch with your FSIL, she might back you as well in thinking a doctor visit would be a good idea.
    MairePoppyLoveLee2014PrettyGirlLostMadHops21
  • @KeptinStitches ; I agree with everything you said!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If this is a sudden, dramatic behavioural change that no one can figure out, has anyone suggested having her get a neurological check up?
    I suggested this (possibly in the identical thread).
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:



    If this is a sudden, dramatic behavioural change that no one can figure out, has anyone suggested having her get a neurological check up?

    I suggested this (possibly in the identical thread).


    Great minds! The dupe threads mean I didn't read all the replies.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If this is a sudden, dramatic behavioural change that no one can figure out, has anyone suggested having her get a neurological check up?
    I suggested this (possibly in the identical thread).
    Great minds! The dupe threads mean I didn't read all the replies.
    Thanks.  I asked if the changes in her behavior could be due to something medical.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948 said:
    If this is a sudden, dramatic behavioural change that no one can figure out, has anyone suggested having her get a neurological check up?
    I suggested this (possibly in the identical thread).
    Great minds! The dupe threads mean I didn't read all the replies.
    Thanks.  I asked if the changes in her behavior could be due to something medical.
    That's what came to my mind, since OP made it seem like the 180 was on everything in her life, not just the wedding. If she were being just like this for the wedding, that would be a separate set of issues.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. The good news is that the rest of the family and most importantly your FI are on your side. I cannot tell you how many times my MIL has made me have to bite practically through my tongue. She's a good person at heart but she's very emotional and opinionated and you don't really ever know which version of her you're going to get. 

    I think it's best to just let this go, continue to be the bigger person, kill her with kindness, and hope that with time and talks with her husband and her son when these things come up, things will get better since this does not seem to be her normal behavior. 
  • What are these "hang out sessions" you are trying to have with FI's mom? If your parents are hosting your wedding, then you need to talk to FI about dates, etc. and then meet with your parents. Once some details are in place, and you NEED something from FI's mom like a guest list, THEN you can ask her for the list. Otherwise, have FI deal with his family.
  • The hang out sessions are just us trying to be nice and include them in the 'know'.  In a world where everyone finds out everything on Facebook or whatever, we want to make sure they know about things right after we pick it out, but she has a problem with everything we pick out or want.  They are not paying for anything, my parents are paying for a giant bulk of it.  We were just trying to be nice, I think she would want to hear the details from us instead of Facebook or 'the grape vine'. lol 

    UPDATE:  We have not seen her since the last time this happened.  I think time is what we need right now before she does some serious, life long damage to her relationship with us.  I can already feel myself drifting.....I am happy not to have any stress but this isn't exactly ideal.  I really wanted a good relationship with my FMIL but I can't do everything!  It is a two way street!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    The hang out sessions are just us trying to be nice and include them in the 'know'.  In a world where everyone finds out everything on Facebook or whatever, we want to make sure they know about things right after we pick it out, but she has a problem with everything we pick out or want.  They are not paying for anything, my parents are paying for a giant bulk of it.  We were just trying to be nice, I think she would want to hear the details from us instead of Facebook or 'the grape vine'. lol 

    UPDATE:  We have not seen her since the last time this happened.  I think time is what we need right now before she does some serious, life long damage to her relationship with us.  I can already feel myself drifting.....I am happy not to have any stress but this isn't exactly ideal.  I really wanted a good relationship with my FMIL but I can't do everything!  It is a two way street!
    I think you've tried hard enough and it's time to stop trying to "make nice" or "include them in the know" because what are you getting out of it except grief?  She has nothing nice to say about anything you suggest, so this is doing nothing for your relationship of a positive nature either.  If her attitude is not due to a medical issue, I think I'd put distance between yourself and her, put her on a "need to know" basis, and let your FI do all the communication with her.
    Jen&Mike8
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You could still end up having a great relationship with your FMIL.  Some people just go crazy over weddings (and not in a good way!).  She may revert back to the normal person you know after the wedding.  Just know that YOU tried.
  • I agree with PP, if she continues to act this way just plan without her and inform her of only need to know information... date, location, and time :)

    I'm sorry you're going through this.  It is of course ideal to have a great relationship with your FMIL and have her in on the planning, but if she is going to make planning your wedding a really terrible experience then it is better to leave her out.  SHE may even be thankful to be left out.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • UPDATE!!! LOL We are getting along fine....BUT have yet to talk a single thing about weddings. LOL  I do kind of feel bad because if she does bring something up, we say oh we are still working on it and change the subject.

    My Mother, Sister, Fiancé, and myself are just making all the decisions.  Thank you all for your input. 

    quadia1982MadHops21
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